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African American Woman Dating American-born Nigerian Man--can It Work?

This is my first post to this forum, and I am looking forward to meeting lots of people---both Nigerian and Non-Nigerian!

I have been dating an American-born Nigerian man for a few months now, and I care for him very much.  I believe it is mutual.  I do know that we have a lot of problems communicating sometimes and I think it is because of cultural stuff.  I have read lots of posts from other African American women who have the same fears as I do about the many "cousins" and family obligations that seem to monopolize the man's time, but in my case, I don't know what to think.  To put it simply, our dating styles are definitely different, so I don't know how to bridge this gap.  We are trying to adjust to each other, but sometimes, I feel like he keeps things pertaining to his culture from me because of the stereotypes out there about Black women and what he says Black Americans feel about Nigerians.

In my case, I would love to know more about his culture, and I would appreciate it and value it as much as he does.  This man has done so many things that scream that he loves me--he has told me this once, but we are both scared.  He does not like to talk about his feelings---but every now and again, he will share things that are reassuring. I am concerned because what I may be taking as offensive or that he is involved with other women may be culturally related to family obligations, and I want to believe the best of him. I've never dated a Nigerian before, but I have had my share of Black American men that are dogs, and I am scared of being hurt again.  Any advice?

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6 answers

African men are affectionate. If they like you will for real, they have no problems with displaying it publicly. In most cases, they are waiting on their sweet heart from there own country, and you are there to take their mind off of the long wait. Or their parents have arrange for them to marry a friends's daughter back home. Most of them don't trust AA ladies. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket, that is what I will tell you. Just take it easy and have fun.

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Your man may be nobody than igboman.

2 things to do:

1. learn how to cook ofe egwusi with okporoko and pounded yam (he'll lick both fingers and toes together)

2. don't shout on him good luck.

       make sure he got akwukwo ikikere obodo unu before you move foward, otherwise ojiri gi wee nwee akwukwo ikikere.

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Hi Prunella

I'm dating a Nigerian born man who lives in the states and has American born children. You are so right that the affection is private and not public. In my case, he has told me he loves me and I can take that to the bank. I expressed the importance that I hear he loves me and I do hear that from time to time. We are in a bit of a tough spot because of and ex-spouse and I'm having trouble as an American woman I want to talk it to death, but he is withdrawn and quiet. He likes to process his sad moments by himself. Hang in there, Nigerian born or culture is different but the man is definately worth it.

N

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Hi Justgood,

Thanks for your response.

Perhaps it should be the same, but the person grew up in London and was back and forth to Nigeria, and believe me, there are differences. I realize that this could be any man to some degree, but all of the black men I have dated up until now have been pretty expressive---in fact, they will even mislead or lie about their feelings or emotional stuff. This person will actually "demonstrate" how he feels through his actions (and this is a good thing), but he is less likely to say how he feels and if he does, it will be said one time and that's it. Another difference is in the affection arena. American men typically know that hugs and affection are expected and understand that women want this---at least the ones I have dated. This guy really doesn't understand the need for hugs and a whole lot of affection outside intimate settings. He endures for my sake. :-) I know this is a difference based on conversations with my other Nigerian friends who have expressed to me they don't get the romantic/affection stuff. I share these examples with you to show you how there is a difference.

I am not saying this is enough to wreck a relationship, but just wanted you to know that he is Americanized in some ways and in others not.

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I did not read every line of your post but I fail to see the difference. Both parties are Black Americans because the Black American born in America to Nigerian parents will differ little from a Black American born of parents of any other nationalities. They are both bred in the same country and, supposedly, same culture.

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