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Why Am I Often Approached By African Men? (An African-American Woman)

Please don't take offense to an American posting here. I am not trying to start any controversy or mess. I have had a question I have wanted to know the answer to - or at least get some insight for - for years, but had nobody to ask. This is not a prank/spam posting. Okay, here goes:

A little background info on me: I am a 35 year old black American female from the deep South. I was raised in a strict Christian environment and am conservative in the way I dress and behave. I speak correct English (I speak "Ebonics" with family and friends as the situation calls for), I don't have any children, and I'm somewhat educated (bachelor's degree, some grad school). I am not promiscuous or loud, and I am careful about who I let in my life.

Black American men don't pay me that much attention. But, for some reason I don't understand, I get a LOT of attention from African men - MUCH more than I get from black American men. Mostly, it's been Nigerians (Igbo and Yoruba), but I've been approached/pursued by other West African men and even a black Libyan (as he self-identified).

In my late teens and early 20s, I dated a couple of the men who approached and pursued me, but ended up breaking off the relationships, because they always wanted to move TOO fast, and that scared me a lot. And to be honest, I also didn't know a dang thing about being a wife at that age, and I wasn't ready, as I'd finally gotten out of my miserable little backwards and racist Southern hometown and wanted to see what else existed in the world.

Anyway, the question I've always had, but never got to ask until now is (if it even HAS an answer):

Why do I attract so many African men? Especially Nigerian? Don't get me wrong; I do not think this is a bad thing; not at all.

But, I'm wondering what it is about me that makes black American men keep going, but makes African men stop. With the exception of the almost 7 years I was married (to a man from Guinea, ironically; hey, a girl's gotta get in where she fits in and I'm not going to turn down a good man of another culture just to wait for black American men to see my worth), I have been pursued by African men. Now that I'm single again, same thing. I don't even know what to think.

Can anybody give me some insight on this? A hint? A clue?

Thanks in advance.

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74 answers

I won't mention any names but if someone can respond that OP having a big booty is the REASON African men approaching her HAVE DISGRACE their ENTIRE FAMILY. How sad.

We need to keep it real when it come to WHAT is going on in every aspect of the world. There are good men and bad men in every corner of the world. However we need to look at the rise of FAKE marriages and relationships that exist between foreigners. It is a reason why IMMIGRATION offices are tightening up the reins not because of some hearsay.

However when you are dating someone new especially from another country there are many factors that come to play and must be considered before moving on. If a woman or man decides to enter a relationship purely because she or he is desperate for paper, dick ,Kitty-Cat, or whatever then someone is going to be hurt and mistreated.

I will say this there are some people who ACTUALLY looks for love and regardless whom the person is and where they are from they will still deal with static. If you have people who looks like the very person you are dating telling you that YOU ARE BEING USED what do you expect the person to think?

The first thing that needs to be rectify is people bashing their OWN COUNTRY/HOMETOWN and painting a bad light to the "outsiders".

Negroids are the only group of people that does that and that is pitiful.

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She probably did think about that. The original poster, Chelley, hasn't been active for the past five years. It's too bad, I would have liked to find out how she is doing and if she ever gave a Nigerian or other African man a chance.

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You should be happy plus, maybe because you're from African descendant have you ever think about that?

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Cause' you're a beautiful akata.

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ono (m)

N'Djamena

Re: Why Am I Often Approached By African Men? (An African-American Woman)

« #12 on: April 13, 2006, 10:07 AM »

"So, Chelly, myself and Kajad are saying thesame thing.

There's something ''African'' in you. And I think you should come home to Africa, where you'd get all that you need. Don't believe in all those false talk about Africa in the US. They are grossly misleading. You'd surely like it in here.

Besides, if Nigerians are the folks who kept coming around, it's because it has been generally acknowledged the world over that we are the ''happiest people on earth''. And they want you to take part in that enjoyment bliss in here. Now, isn't that some record to behold? and wouldn't you like spending the better part of your life with happy people? Just think about it. And also, just to let you in on Nigeria, there other better tribes in Nigeria. We have the Kanuris, the Ijaws, Isokos, Itsekiris, Urhobos, Ogoni's Oron, Ibibios, (of the Niger Delta stocks - rich and peace loving people of this world).

You'd get all you need in Africa. Just come ''home'', and you'd be glad you did."

Very interesting, Ono. Have you encountered other African American women looking to come 'home'?

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@NINETOFIVE

abeg, go to my hubby and tell him his prince no dey his baby, he will finish you with his bear hands. PERIOD!

My son came with the marriage, his mother, aunts brothers and sister will kill anyone who harms this child, you are a crazy man!

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Big sis,

Your contribution to this discourse is very shocking. Whats the Big deal about American Women. They don't give respect to their beaus, feel larger than life. whats the Bleep about your so called green cards. Africa for Africans marcus Mosiah garvey said. I love my negritude, u are a disgrace to the black race.

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get a life , this aint no post

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Eudora tanx you off my back now.

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I would suggest black Americans women consult with as many Black Americans women as possible who have had the experience to give the the "what to look for and how not be taken!"

I have know too many women who have been robbed, and royally screwed over. You better watch you back. Don't go into these situations blinding. These men got some serious game.

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Nigeria is a desperate country, with no opportunities. They can't go back there. There is nothing for them. So desperation rules, and they will use anybody to get what they want.

@BigSis

How dare you come to a Nigerian forum to make such insulting comments about Nigeria? I guess you arent any different from your fellow loud African American women. Talking about Nigeria in such derogatory terms shows how empty and dumb you are! Fact is you can never have the privilege of being a Nigerian! Damn you Dam!

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Bigsis? More like small sis

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@Chelley, There's nothing exciting or interesting about this post. You seem to be an attention seeker. Perusing through the entire thread reveals a woman who knows the answer to her problem, yet wouldn't wanna accept the reality.You are lucky African men are still interested in you at 35. After seven years of marriage and divorced, you should know you gotta big problem at hand.

@ BigSis, You are not just a charlatan, but highly egocentric. Bracing through your thread exposes your inferiority complex. To be honest, you don't sound an American. I'm not even sure you live in the States. Bring up your picture let's see what you got. Come on! You have the nerve to open your volume of garbage to insult Nigerians in a Nigerian forum. Can you do that in your East African country?

Go look at the photo of Mokwuosa, read through her threads and learn from the Diva. She's a true African who wouldn't sell her PRIDE because she lives in LA.

Sister Mokwuosa and Iyke-D had already dealt with this post. Ya'll need to accept it or get lost.

@BigSis, do you know how many black American ladies in my Church who had tried every thing possible to get my heart in marriage?. I've seen some desperate black American ladies too. They are everywhere. There's a case I'm handling right now involving a black American female soldier going crazy for a Nigerian brother. The Nigerian boy doesn't want her, but she's doing everything to get the guy acceptance. What makes you feel all Nigerian are desperate? Please get a life and stop being naive and shallow minded.

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i hope ozoneflake isnt offline cos am after. Stick 2 one topic now. U only drop crabs everywhere n escape

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Tho this post sounds more of an advert of a good notured woman but been married before spoils it all. I think they just want to sleep with you or get something they want. Africans to be honest without debasing the post, do not have real feeling for divorcees. And ex. Therefore you gotto be careful.

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big atrracts african mehn!

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I AM GLAD AFRICAN GIRLS ARE NO LONGER RISING TO THE BAITS IN TOPICS LIKE THIS.

The whole reason for the post is not the paper issue Bigsis is harping on about like a broken record, BUT to goad us into arguments like "african women are too submissive and are used as doormat by their men" or "African men chase us because we are smarter than their women" or "african american girls are prettier" etc

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end of the road i guess?

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Ms Chelley, all i gat is one question

Do you have a nice booty ?

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i guess there are some gangsta bii   tcccch  love to hate nigeria! well good or bad trust me we nigerian will never i repeat subdue in all the hate flyin across the world! so weather 1+1 is 2 or -1-1is2 niether they will critize but hey nigerian man look behind u , do u see who is there! i bet is the same haters that think they run blacks are behind u! wonder if u get that !! any way hahh ahhaaaa heee hee he

we are out!

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NO AFRICAN MAN WILL EVER TAKE YOU SERIOUS AS LONG AS YOU ARE DIVORCED, NO AFRICAN MAN WILL EVER TAKE YOU SERIOUS IF YOU HAVE A CHILD FOR ANOTHER MAN, THIS STEP FATHER poo AIN'T HAPPENING, AFRICANS TAKE MARIAGE SERIOUSLY. THEY DON'T WANNA THINK THAT THEIR WIFE WAS MARRIED BEFORE TO SOMEONE ELSE WHO DID STUFF WITH HER 24/7, HOW CAN SOMEBODY FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY LIKE THAT, YOU SAID YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN BUT YOU ARE DIVORCED, READ YOUR BIBLE PROPERLY.

NO AFRICAN MAN WILL HAVE A CHID AND WALK, YOU CANT COMPERE YOURSELF WITH AN AFRICA WOMAN, IF AN AFRICAN WOMAN GETS MARRIED SHE WOULD STAY COME WHAT MAY. FOR BETTER FOR WORSE IT IS, AND IN DEED IT IS, THE RESPONSIBILITY IS BOTH ON THE SIDE OF THE WOMAN AND THE MAN, IN AFRICA WHEN PEOPLE GET MARRIED IS FOR LIFE, PERIOD.

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Big sis you should just hide your face in shame and agree you are wrong. That is the only way you will learn and become a better person. Please stop been an ignoramus.

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Big sis you should just hide your face in shame and agree you are wrong. That is the only way you will learn and become a better person. Please stop been an ignoramus.

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Big sis you should just hide your face in shame and agree you are wrong. That is the only way you will learn and become a better person. Please stop been an ignoramus.

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Makeda,

Hey girl.  I am glad you found a good one. You go  girl. 

I have never been the type to be more African than the Africans. I rarely wear African clothing. It is the same when you hear Nigerians in Nigerians say in reference to other Nigerian, "he/she is more British than the British." I am very well versed in African American/America history and culture. So I have a strong appreciation for who I am and where I have come from.

So if you should ever see me at an event in Nigeria, I will have my sista girl Sunday go to meeting hat and a sharp dress or suit, with pumps, no stocking. It is simply too hot.

Nia,

I appreciate your sentiments.  Thanks.

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@ Makeda

congrats on your union. I wish it long life and many more happiness to come.

@ Big Sis

all your criticisms are well received and you have touched on many subjects that Africans should focus on and work on to improve. For example, tribalism and different levels of female oppression is not something that should be swept under the rug because we find the truth inconvenient or too hard to swallow. Even being on this forum in the short while that I have, the amount of sexist jaundice (and to a lesser degree, tribalistic jagbajantis) that pollute it is sometimes sick enough to force you to log out with immediate alacrity, LOL. But I try to battle the temptation to do so and try to understand that our culture and the way we've been raised is highly responsible for this and cannot be ignored. Sometimes people just need to be enlightened and unconditioned. Truth is, at one point or the other, we have all touched on one or more of the subjects you've highlighted.

Having said this, though, I must disagree with your approach and the angle with which you've presented these issues. It is harder to give due respect to your views because of the way you've chosen to project it. You speak/write like an outsider who is not genuinely interested in working for the betterment or on solutions to these same problems you're presenting but someone who wants to use it as an opportunity to attack. Also, while you wrote of your displeasure at what you perceive as "BIGOTTED STATEMENTS", you continue to make similar statements (and arguably graver) accusations.

While you state that "no group of people think alike", you propel generalistic statements that reads like everybody from Africa DO act alike and think alike, to just highlight a few of your contradictions. I will stop here because I do not want to take attention away from the points you've raised, which I believe would make our society better if we focus on dealing with them. 

But I will state that we MUST work together because we can achieve greater things when we do.

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I have been reading this post and I just have to reply here. I am a 25 year old African American woman who is married to a wonderful 26 year old Nigerian man. I am sooooooooooo HAPPY!!!! My husband is the love of my life. He is a true man of God. We pray together, go to church together, we study our bibles together, we cook together, etc, He is the most romantic man I have ever met. Sure at first we had our rough patches, but after having a long talk with his older sis we worked them all out because I began to understand him better, and she opened my eyes to things. Yes he is very, very strong, but I do not see him as being domineering or demanding, I just view him as being strong, and I love it!! I have always wanted a man who knows how to take charge. It is great to not have to worry because you know your man will take care of everything. I know how to keep things in God's perfect order by letting him be a man, and I continue to be a woman basking in ALL my femininity. You see some African American women cannot handle the strength of an African man because we come from a different culture where women exercise more control. We just come from a different culture and there is nothing wrong with that. Not all African men are after African American women for papers, some are generally interested in trying something new. My husband was attracted to me becasue I am a Christian woman, and I answer to a higher calling of God. He also found me witty, intelligent, sharp, outgoing, humorous and full of contagious laughter. Our spirits connected. So Chelley maybe your spirit just connects more with African culture. I have always loved African clothing, music, food and culture, and found it to be very interesting and charming, so when my husband found me I was honored to be persued by an African man. Everytime I go to Africa I feel like I am at home, and I can truly feel the spirit of my ancestors. The best part is his family is truly my family, we are one. I never worried about African American men not asking me out, I simply left myself open to the blessing of having a good man and loving husband, regardless of race or culture. I do not see what the problem or issue is here, we are ALL black. God is no respecter of persons and neither should we be. We, especially African American women, need to let God open our hearts so that we can let love flow freely, because alot of you are going to miss out on the man God has prepared for you worrying about silly stuff that does not matter.

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Take me as an example lets say am a woman of around 36 years old.

Some Nigerian comes to marry me and tells me he loves me .

He says lets have the kids later and he plays me 3 years(in Germany you have to be married 3 years) (i do not know abou USA) Then he dumps me am now 39 years old.

You have robbed me 3 years of my life . 3 years are 1 .5 babys.

You take my money and my heart.

That nigeria "Has no hope" dose not make it right.

You are not robbing my property but time of my life.

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They are lookin' to 419 you -- desperate for an American woman to secure a green card. That is what special about you. You are a US citizen. You are potential prey. They are stealth predators. Don't let them 419 you. It is a real problem that America women need to be aware of when dealing with foreigners who don't have papers.

This is how it goes. By the way, I am a Black American woman. Every poster knows why they are interested in you, but none will say. The are often agressive in the manner in dealing with you. They look for women they deem as needy or weak in some area. They wine and dine you. They cater to you. They appear to be the perfect man. The goal is to get you emotional attached, and before you know it, they profess their undying love for you. He can't live without you, and ask you to marry him within a very short period of time. Their only goal is to use, abuse, and discard you as soon as they have their papers. They spread their net wide, knowing some lonely, desperate woman will bite. It is a scam dear. Don't fall it. This is one way the marriage 419 aka scam works.

They are interested in you because you are an American, and they are desperate to get papers. The easiest way in the US to become a cititzen is to marry an American. That it in a nutshell. Sistah girl please don't be a sucker. Once these men are finished with you will poor and a basket case. They fake nice until they have what they want.

Nigeria is a desperate country, with no opportunities. They can't go back there. There is nothing for them. So desperation rules, and they will use anybody to get what they want. - BigSis

Maybe this will bring home BigSis ignorant views of the Naija man.

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I have not discovered one lie that bigsis is telling here even now i know some delta igbos if you call them igbos they will answer "NO we are not igbos we are delta igbo its not the same.

More and more states comming up in Nigeria why??

When i started school tthere were were 12 how many are there now.

Nigerians are maybe even worse than many they do not only see black and white they are Tribalistik

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@BigSis

Were you spurned by a Nigerian guy? What's the beef? I'm pretty sure you know that your theory do not apply to most Nigerian guys. Give yourself another shot. There are many Naija guys that will treat you real nice. But you must be sweet.

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BigSis,

I will attempt to give you more respect than you are giving me or any other sister or brother of color in this thread.

The unity that you says will never exist in my "nonsense" post, will exist when you start with yourself. I can't possibly ask or suggest for something I am not willing to practice daily. As an african-american woman in the US, how can you be so judgemental of Africans in Africa (I am not separating, just putting the distinction out there right now for the sake of this post). I can't speak on the treatment in Africa of each other, because my post was in regards to brothers and sisters of color that have come to the US and the treatment we provide them with, which is so lousy. You continue to refer to them as "they" which is the same thing that white america refer to us as here in the US. See you are attempting to make us better, and my dear if you look at the prison population of black men in america, that should make you weep.

Every person from Africa is not looking to get over on you, or looking to scam you, there are just as many brothers and sisters born and raised in the US that use our women everyday. Regardless of where they are from that needs to stop. You are so worried about what they are doing in Africa, but what are you doing here to change you? You sound bitter and your ignorance throughout this thread is overwhelming. I am yet to meet a man from Africa that has approached me that is not hard-working, and has really done well with themselves in the US. You attract what you present. Check yourself on what message you are sending on those that are looking for a woman to make them a citizen.

I feel sorry that you feel like this can never happen, that simply means your mind is not large enough to accept growth and in order to grow, you have to make changes. Also on your comment about liking all people because they are black, no I don't like everyone, but if I dislike you, I promise I have a legitamit (msp) reason, and it's just not because of the color of your skin or where you came from.

But I do have a question, if you have such views of our brothers and sisters in Africa and that has come to the US from Africa, why do you frequent this board?

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@sweetness

Although your post was directed to romeo, I cannot help but commend you on such a beautiful piece. How true and sad is this statement "but they also know we will never stick together". Thank you very much sister, if we all keep putting the word out there, hopefully the remnants of our generation and generations after will reap the fruits of the resulting unity.

Once again Thank you.

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Ikye-D,

It is cool. I am totally the opposite. I am an avid reader. Books are the most glorious creations.

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BigSis,

I replied too soon before seeing the rest of your post. No, I am not familiar with the

author - but it sounds interesting, Trouble is, I am not much of a reader any more.

I used to read a lot ages ago - now all I read is news (what a shame?), there is so

much fake news via the usual media outlets so I have to feed myself - multiple sources,

US news, Nigerian news, Jamaican News, Google News, that kind of stuff. Sorry to

disappoint you, No hard feelings at all.

As per immortality, I don't know whether I will covet it or not, just don't know,

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BigSis,

Thanks. I will be on the look out for that friendly black woman, Trouble is I am so used to

frowning, You are making me blush!!!!

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@mokwuosa

Girl, In the department of analytical thinking you score 100%. I am still speechless. Way to go sis.

@Bigsis

I  am a nigerian man with a lot of educated African American friends that definately do not think like you. To stereotype African Americans as only dating africans out of desperation is just worng. The few in the family that raise their eyebrows to their family marrying an African are just ignorant. Every culture has its good and bad. stereotypingis born out of the fear of the unknown and can also be attributed to attempts to validate yourself and hide your insecurities by demonising a group of people.

I hear some African Americans critisize the white man for stereotyping them with a lot of derogatory things (I am ashamed to mention) only for the same people to turn around and stereotype people they share the same roots with. This is very hypocritical, shallow and outright disgraceful.

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Romeo,

I could not resist responding. Do you realize that I am considered a foreigner when I am in Nigeria? I am an outsider. I am not offended. So my question is why would you think black people would perceive people of African descent as any different when you are in the US. It is simply human.

When you are outside of your cultural group in Nigeria, are you considered a foreigner? I don't understand the anger.

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Romeo,

I didn't want to let your comment hang around in the air without a response.

I feel your anger and I understand. Its very sad that "some" black Americans

will consider other black men living in the US as "foreign black men". That goes

to highlight the depth of the problem we as black people have today in America.

And you are right, the Puerto Ricans, Cubans, Mexicans, etc. inspite of their

differences, for the most part see themselves as hispanics. As a matter of fact,

not all of them even agree on the name hispanic, some prefer Latino. But for

the most part, the level of distrust between this groups is nothing compared

to that which exist between African Americans and Africans. Not to say the

African are without any fault in this regard.

Bottom line, we all need to learn to appreciate each other more. There is a lot

Africans immigrating to the US can learn from blacks here. In the same vain,

there is a lot that blacks with interest in Africa can learn from Africans. At least,

how about developing a strong and genuine interest in Africa. Africans are not

the only ones immigrating to the US and for all its problems, there are places

and people doing far better in Africa than you can find in parts of Asia. But our

people here need to be made to realize this.

Lastly, when Katrina happened, the entire world saw how our people were

treated in New Orleans - the pictures on the TV screens weren't any different

from what people were used to seeing in parts of Africa in times of crisis.

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i think the Negro Americans need to change their approach toward Africans, if black Africans can not get some respect and love from black Americans i wonder how you black Americans can be respected in that society!! because you're bullshit in America because you hate the ones you need to make a major minority group in American politics, who are the hispanics? they people of different races from the content of south America and they go like brothers because they only share same language and some nasty black Americans like the girl that wrote this is calling Africans foreign black men and black Americans are brothas and sistas

i feel bad that a black African can not date a black American girl because he is not a (a lazy down for what ever in the hood brotha) you have every where in America. you people are becoming the minority of minorities in America for rejecting other black people and it serves you people right

i use to love everything black American until i talked to my friend on the phone sometime ago and she told me all ills black Americans do to black Africans i felt sad but i reserved my comments until i came across this thread even though it was started for another topic

if you reject your own black blood because they are not Americans!! you'll never be accepted in American society and ( i am not hating just saying my own mind too)

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just to get a reply on this

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interesting post this is

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Big Sis,

You truly leave me dumb founded.  I am not one who seeks to call people names or characterize but you are a walking contradiction.  I earnestly do not believe you have valid a stance on this issue.  You take it upon yourself to join a forum that is primarily engrossed with Africans (hence the name Nairaland) and continue to insist that African men are users in some manner; however, you have the same mind to attempt to correct another poster when they make generalizations about Black American men. 

What a contradiction.  It saddens me when people who have such limited experience and knowledge regarding a certain culture are so quick to make generalizations.  Granted I applaud you for seeking to know and become aware of the African culture, but that acknowledgment is very limited.  I question your motives.  I understand that this may sound peculiar but I truly do question your intentions.  If you are so leery of African men then why do you associate with them?  Why do you seek to involve yourself with them?  You appear to be similar to a white person who has very limited knowledge about Blacks, but is quick to say, "I have black friends."  Do you not see how silly that is?  That my dear is how you come across. 

Please, if you truly want to learn and appreciate the African culture you must first learn to accept it as a whole, including all its good and all its faults.  This culture is one that runs so deep in many intricate manners.  To know the African culture is to love it.  However, to get to this point you need to preclude from protraying oneself as a person who knows it all, and actually open up your mind so as to gain the knowledge that is necessary and beneficial in order to have a better appreciation.  And sorry to be the one to burst your bubble but what you claim to know is very little.  What you know about African men is what you have heard from others with bad experiences (and believe me some of it may also be played up for show).  Oh, and by the way congratulations for being married to an African man and having one as a close friend, but remember what good does it do you when all you think is bad of the men that derive from their country? 

I have never believed in division and supporting the notion that certain people should only mingle with "their kind," but after encountering a person such as yourself I would highly promote you remaining with Black American men and leaving my African brothers alone.  But if I supported such an idea I would only be feeding into a very shallow and simple minded behavior as you have already demonstrated from your posts.  Therefore, my only advice to you is this: if you have any true genuine interest in learning or understanding this culture you need to have respect for it--that includes having respect for its people.  Again, despite your beliefs not ALL African men use Black American women for papers or are they with them for such.  And by the way, while you are making your generalizations I don't want you to forget about your fellow Black American sisters who intentionally and personally seek out foreigners to marry to help get papers--oh, did you forget about them?  Yes, they do exist and they do prowl seeking my African brothers--trust that! So if you are seeking to point fingers and make generalizations first look at your people and cast stones, then when you have cleared that mess may you seek to clear the mess of others.

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