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Why Is There An Issue With A Nigerian Man Marrying An Aa?

I need some insight before i make a hasty decision. My fiance is Nigerian (Yoruba), christian, with papers. He is well Americanized to a certain extent but his culture values still exist. We have been together for 5 on-off years( a lot of growing up b/w us, not all bad) . No, i have not met his parents. They(parents) are not in the states and they have only visited once when we first starting dating. Through out our relationship he never talked about his family even when i would ask about them. He could call on my family at any time.

He is an awesome guy. We have a great time together with everything we do. We are very positive and keep Christ into our relationship as much as possible (we are not saints, lol). We both have made a lot of sacrifices for this relationship and we both have learned a lot. The love and the commitment is solid. He proposed to me a couple months back (fairy tale Grin). I recently just found out that the family is not all accepting of him marrying an African-American Girl. Hence, they do not know me at all.He wants to hold planning until he goes home in a month and talk with his parents. He wants them part of our future. He is trying to please everyone. I have explained to him that I would never want him to choose between his family and me. Its just not fair. I love him too much to have him go through this pain. Family first, bottom line.

I don't want to be married and have this negative impact over my future husband and future kids. I partially take blame for this maybe 30%. If family is so important to me, why did I allow him to deny me the rights to get to know his family

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For ones girl, i suggest you listen to "KB1's" advise. that guy meant no harm from my own perspective. It wont be a shocking news that yoruba's has no age barrier as per engaging or as far as having kids with someone down in Nigeria before relocation to any country. It therefore amount to unbearable pressure from the bude's parent if he should divert his attention to someone else.

My humble advise to you is that if he wouldn't allow you to visit naija the same time with him, it therefore means rat is in the wardrobe, run! run!! run!!! period. It is very possible that he is really in love with you but no matter how racism the parents could be, your visit wouldn't complicate issues if he wasn't previously engaged with any girl in naija. let your mind lead you through. good luck

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I think its a bad idea to go with your husband given the fact that he had not told his parents about you until he popped the ring. Its like taking your  man to your parents without  ever mentioning him to your parents. Its like you are begging to be "married" to this guy which I know that you are not.

He should be the one to explain everything to his family not you.

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I guess we are all reaping what we sow. Unfortunately innocent pple are caught up in the middle.

Whether in the third or western world, women are all the same. But a GOOD WIFE, wow, her price is indeed greater than rubies or precious gold.

Moreover, Parents should be seeking for a good WIFE instead of a cultural woman.

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Common guys, many African parents knew how men are treated in the US when it comes to marriage. More emphasis are placed on the women, and many uncultured women get away with so much uncommon and unacceptable behaviors. This issue among others constitutes fear in some Africans' parents mind - nija included.

Examples:

Have you not heard of the story of a brother that loses his job, and the African American wife kicked him out of the house for that? When you go online, do you not see how so loose the white or colored females (any color besides the brown skin) portrayed themselves?

In short, the story about American women needs to change. However, the story we too in the states are hearing about nija women are almost at equilibrium with other women in the western world if not much worse. Just an opinion.

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btrue, if I were you I wouldn't get my hopes all up and kicking over the possibility of his folks accepting you, if that's what you're looking for. Yes, be true-- but at the same time be real, sis and realize that if his family over in Nigeria already don't like you, the possibility of him going over there and convincing them otherwise ain't likely to happen no time soon. Hey, I'm just keeping it real with ya sis. Peace and Love, my beautiful brown blossom.

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JustGood Yeah, love can make you blind. Not refusing that but i'm far from naive. I just happen to be strong companion trying not to give up so easily and become part of the sterotypical AA female. I'm still admiring the 28 year marriage that my parents have.What's wrong with giving the benefit of the doubt until exhausting all options BEFORE marriage. So please, clarify what signs you see that are obvious.

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The signs are obvious here. Some people only see what they want to see

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It's a very very delicate issue. If at the end of the day he cannot at least help you cultivate some kind of working relationship with his family, then don't even bother. Especially, if he has a close bond with his family. On your part, you must be ready to sacrifice a lot of ego. Remember you're getting married to him and not his family. He needs your help to work his family. I'm not saying you have to take BS from his family to get married to him but if there is true commitment between both of you, you'll be able to navigate the murky waters of cultural differences and come out just fine to enjoy a happy marriage.

I'm actually in the last phase of a similar situation. I had to put pressure on family subtly because I was 100% sure of what I got in my AA GF. And she has played a wonderful role in the whole process. Good luck in your quest for happiness.

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You are welcome. it is you guys lives, so you should know best.

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@ Btrue, I'll advise you to ignore tribal bigots like KB1 and Spoilt, who just churn out baseless generic crap without any concrete evidence.

I think that the best thing to do if you can, would be to make a journey to Nigeria with your fiance. This would serve two purposes -

(1) To give your potential in-laws an opportunity to get to know you (and if possible like or fall in love with you), and

(2) To give you the opportunity to know what you are letting yourself in for. You will be able to see the way your fiance relates/interacts with members of his family and have a first hand chance to see and learn a little about the culture.

After the visit, I am sure you guys would be able to come to a decision, one way or the other. You may find that it is too much of an uphill task and you want out, or that you absolutely want to go ahead and marry him (family and all). i must say however, that should you decide to go to Nigeria, it would be wise to learn a thing or two about the Yoruba culture. The Yoruba race lay great emphasis on culture and respect (one must not only be respectful, but must be SEEN to be respectful. There is a culture of deference particularly to one's elders. And under traditional Yoruba culture, as a wife, you defer even to those members of your husband's family who are younger than you. This does not mean you should be a doormat to be used and walked all over and the line is or should be drawn somewhere. However, don't for example go stretching your hand for a handshake from his folk simply because you are American. That would be considered rude. If someone however, offers their hand to you to shake, then by all means do shake it).

Whatever decision you make, I wish on you the path that would bring you happiness. Goodluck.

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Yes I have Sammy. we talked about going but as you can see, I will not be going anytime soon until this situation is resolved.

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I see this welfare loving akata gay has started his madness again.

btue, ignore Yoruba hating gays like KB1 if you know what's good for you. Let him deal with the family stuff and go from there

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btru thought bout visiting nigeria?

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yeah i dont understand that either. . .

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Spoit No, i'm not sour heartbroken. i'm just trying to get clarity before I break someones else heart when this could be a matter of genuine intentions. Possibly a matter of him stepping up to his family. If I chose to step out of this engagment, of course it would be sad but life goes on. I've just never been a quitter and there is love here.

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Ok now let me put myself in his shoes. If i fall in love with an aa, and I get engaged, my family would have some reservations- mostly because of the prejudice that AAs would most likely be disrespectful and cultureless (which of course is outright wrong). A guy like me- and most likely like your fiance- have very close ties with family, and owe everything to them; and I would be in a serious quandary having to choose between you and them. I honestly wouldn't know what to do; I'll just keep trying to persuade my family as to how much you have character and values, and how being an AA has nothing to do with personality. I know one thing though: it would be extremely difficult for me to go ahead with that marriage if i don't have the slightest go-ahead from my family; and it has nothing to do with being weak, its just how much I owe them. I say you stay really close to him right now; give him every reason to try to make it work. That marriage wouldn't work if he has to choose you over his family, cos he'll spend everyday pointing at reasons why he shouldn't have done that.

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Whatever you say, sis. It all sounds fishy to me, and my instinct tell me that he's playing game. By the way, there's no way that you can possibly know what the heck he's got back home in Nigeria. How do you know for sure that he's not married with kids already; you couldn't of checked his records because they rarely if at all, keep such records on federal file there for you to access, and even if his records just so happened to be on file the chances of you being able to get them via computer or any other source is pretty much a non-existent chance.

Don't be foolish, please check more into this guys intentions and background before you make such hasty moves. His friends are not reliable sources of information about him, many of these guys prey on AA women like you for all sorts of alternative means, not just for papers. They'd play the madly in love game out for years if that's what it takes to achieve what they're after and then out of the blue-- they plit on you as if you were nothing.

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Honestly KB. He have a choice, there is no shifty in this situation because i'm not forcing him to get involved. I'm not naive and I'm fully aware of what goes on over there. I've been told such stories by him and his friends. Its either a matter that he is unsure if he is ready or wants to please his family which is clearly understandable. I'm just trying to be patient, doing my duty, the verdict will come. I know for sure that he has no kids over there nor a wife. But i'm sure that his family have some wives lined up for him to marry.

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Based on what you've stated, I'd probably advise against marrying that dude. Seems like he's carrying too much luggage. And you say he's Yoruba hah? Hummm, very interesting. I'd be careful sista. I'm an African-American guy, and would hate to see another one of my lovely ladies duped by another shifty Yoruba guy. So many times I've heard from fellow AA sistas like you, in person and on this and other Nigerian boards complaining about how some shifty Yoruba guy played as though he loved them, got married and had kids with them, and they bought a home together, and this that and the other, and then out of nowhere the dude up and disappears back to Nigeria to be with some other wife he had tucked away back there, taking with him the families money and other possession.

You say, he's stated to you that he had to go home, back to Nigeria, to talk with his folks over your plans, ey? Yeah, sounds like a typical slick move, be sure that he's not sliding off to go and settle things with a wife and kids he's got holding out for him back in Naija, as is often the case with these such situations. Anyway, you obviously don't have to take my advice on this issue, but whatever you chose to do, please chose wisely. I'll pray for you.

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