AN H U N G R Y M A N
A hungry man was going along the street.
He got to a place and saw a sign board with the inscription "eat as much as you can here, your grandson will pay"
The man went in and confirmed from the receptionist who confirmed the statement. The hungry man now ordered for series of food with assorted meat, fish, turkey and others. He ate and ordered for drinks in excess.
He drank excessively. As he was preparing to go, the steward called him and gave him a bill of 2,000 Naira.
The man was annoyed and asked "what the hell is going on here ? What is this ?" (So so big big grammar
The steward answered "it is the bill of your fore- father which you must pay so that your grandson would pay for the one you ate.
I WAN TEAR BUSH !
We all remember that in public primary schools in Nigeria, the teachers always tell the students to speak English and not vernacular.
In this particular class, there was a little Yoruba boy who had just came from the village and spoke very little English.
One day he had to go to the bathroom (toilet to Nigerians) real bad and this is the conversation that ensued.
BOY: Teacher, " igbose ngbo mi, mo fe lo yagbe (I have to go to the toilet real bad)
TEACHER: Stop speaking vernacular, you have to speak English before I can let you go.
Since the boy cannot express himself, he stood in front of the classroom shaking real bad, all of a sudden, he thought of a way to tell the teacher what he needed to do in the little English he understood.
BOY: Teacher, shaking leg is shaking me, I want to go and tear bush!
All the other students busted out laughing including the teacher who just had to let him go before he did his business on the floor.
An old man traveled to London
An old man traveled to London to visit his children.
One chilly day he decided to take a stroll down Oxford Street . Unfortunately while on his stroll it started raining quite heavily and he decided to take shelter under a store canopy.
While under the canopy, an Englishman who was passing by tried to be friendly to the old man shivering under the canopy.
Here's what happened.
Englishman: Cold ain't it?
Baba Agba: "Ori re ko da! Baba re lo ni shobu ni?
(Translation: " You must be sick in the head, is this your father's shop" ?)
Baba Agba said this because the way the Englishman spoke, he thought he had said "Kuro nihin"
(Translation: Get away from there!)
Scene inside a Lagos Molue Bus
A salesman was trying to sell a product which he claimed to be a cure for every ailment afflicting the human anatomy.
As he went about his business in the packed and stuffy Molue bus, a woman was trying to pacify her crying baby girl, much to the annoyance of the salesman.
Still, the salesman continued in his efforts to gain the attention of the people in the bus.
As he did so, the cries of the baby continued to wail loudly nearby.
With every passing minute, the salesman grew increasingly agitated at the sound coming from the baby.
When he could not take it any longer, he confronted the woman.
"Efun omo yi loyan now", he shouted at the woman.
"Oyan ko lo fe, ofe pon ni", the woman replied.
"Efun le pon then"
The Three Corpses
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.
A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.
"Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile Inspector," says the Coroner.
The Inspector is taken to the second dead man.
"Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Nothing unusual here," says the Inspector, and asks to be shown the last body.
"Ah," says the Coroner, "look at this one, he's black. Nigerian, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why the bloody hell is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
The Coroner replies, "It was his first time in the UK and he thought he was having his picture taken."
Blind man inside bus
Scene inside a Lagos Molue Bus
A blind man entered a molue bus one hot afternoon, and no sooner had he been inside the bus, than he started to beg the passengers for alms.
A young school boy took pity on him and told the blind man to sit down at the back of the bus and he will endeavour to collect the alms on his behalf.
After going to every passenger, the school boy was able to raise 500 naira for the blind man, which he promptly gave to him.
The blind man thanked him for his selfless effort and the boy returned to his seat in the front of the bus.
Every passenger marveled at the way the school boy offered to help the blind man as they began discussing the issue amongst themselves.
Then the bus approached a bus-stop and several passengers got ready to alight, including the blind man. As the blind man got to the front of the bus, where the school boy sat, he said in a whisper to the boy's ears "Once again, thank you for helping me. By the way, na where you keep the rest of the money, especially the 100 naira note wey that tall man pay you"
There was a man living in Victoria Island, Lagos .
A thief came to his house one night and threatened to inject him with blood containing the HIV virus if he didn't drop all the money he collected from the bank the day before.
The man: Are you going to leave me with the money if I allow you to inject me with the HIV virus?
The Thief: I will not collect the money and I will leave you.
On hearing this, he told the thief to give him 5 minutes and he went to the toilet. When he came back from the toilet, he asked the thief to inject him with the HIV virus.
The thief injected him with the HIV virus and left immediately.
Immediately the thief left, the wife became hysterical
The Wife: What the hell did you just do?
The Man: Don't mind the silly thief, he doesn't know that I put on a condom the other time I went to the toilet.
I Know My Rights!
A certain young man who had spent the last 10 years in the USA was arrested by the Nigerian Police because he refused to bribe them for a minor traffic offense. He was amazed to be taken to the police station.
The young man was very upset and angry. He was ranting and raging at the policemen;
"you people don't know who I am, by the time I make one phone call you'll all wish you weren't born. I'm entitled to one phone call and you must let me make that call, I know my rights and I won't be trampled upon".
He went on and on raking at the station.
After a while the DPO couldn't take it any longer, and instructed a constable to throw the guy into the cell.
When the guy was pushed into the cell he continued ranting and raging as to how he was entitled to one phone call as part of his fundamental rights.
After a while the "president" in the cell got up and said
"ADC I don tire for all dis englis e dey blow. I beg give this man him phone call ojare".
At this time the ADC got up and gave the young man a resounding slap, 'gboaaaa'.
He then calmly asked him: "e dey ring abi make I re-dial?"
The young man meekly replied "NO, ooooooo no need to re-dial, edey ring, Sir, e connect well well,
After a long period of silence an Igbo guy phones his good pal and the following conversation ensued,
Chike: Nna, How now??, long tam no see you!
Chidi: Nna, I just dey o. Wetin dey happen now ?
Chike: I jus dey, Ah beg, I need your hep for sontin,
Chidi: (grumbles) Na wetin?
Chike: Ah won borrow small money from una
Chidi: Hello? Hello? I can't hear u well o
Chike: I say ah need small money from una
Chidi: Hello? Hello? , dis line no clear o,
Chike: (yelling into the phone) Ah say come borrow me small money abeg!
Chidi: Hello? Hello??, I still can not hear you!
(The phone operator now butts in)
He said he wants you to borrow him money!
Chidi: NNA YOU WEY HEAR AM WELL GI AM THE MONEY NOW! (foolish operator shiooo, )
Johnny's Black Eye
Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened.
He replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face".
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher replied, trying to help, "the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye.
The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.
Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too!' and that's when I got punched in the face."