Who killed Abel?
Little Johnny is taking a shower
with his mother and says, "Mom,
what are those things on your
chest!?" Unsure of how to reply,
she tells Johnny to ask his dad
at breakfast tomorrow, quite
certain the matter would be
Johnny didn't forget. The
following morning he asked his
father the same question. His
father, always quick with the
answers, says, "Why Johnny,
those are balloons. When your
mommy dies, we can blow them
up and she'll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that's neat and
asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad
comes home from work a few
hours early. Johnny runs out of
the house crying hysterically,
"Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"
His father says, "Calm down son!
Why do you think Mommy's
dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing
up Mommys' balloons and she's
screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Student Report Cards
These are real comments made
by teachers on their student
1. Since my last report, your
child has hit rock bottom and
has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student
3. Your child has delusions of
4. Your child is depriving a village
somewhere of an .
5. Your son sets low personal
standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-
pack" but lacks the plastic thing
to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working
with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ
reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights
are flashing, but the train isn't
10. If this student were any
more silly, he'd have to be
watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the
sperm that created this child
beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the
hamster is dead
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from thewaist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks,"My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me mysneakers please?"The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees hisfriend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies!Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"He replies, "OK, let's check!"He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?""Yes, both of them!"
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompanies him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
A wife was in bed with her lover (cheating) when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said to the lover. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me. Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed & slept off, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticki, ng out at , the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet on this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there". The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right"
MUST BE AN IMPOSToR
Since our library didnt oper8t lending services, i was surprised 2 learn one mornin dat, 1 single copy of a biografy titled, THE MAN CHIDI NWAGWU, was missing.
After makin some enquiriez, i found out dat Julie, a newly employed Library Assistant, had loaned it to a reader witout permission,so i sent 4 her.
"Go and get me, THE MAN CHIDI NWAGWU," i told her, wen she entered my office.
"Is he a reader or a member of staff?" she asked
MUST BE A VAMPIRE!!!!!
Femi was so desperate about the job that when he was asked a question in Igbo language, which was the language in which he wuld be xpected to work, he appeared stuck.
"You see Sirs," he xplained after a brief silence.
"I dont understand Igbo, bt I have Igbo blood in me."
"How did you acquire it? Replied the Chairman of the panel. "May be through a blood transfusion."
TO HAVE AND TO HOLE
I once phoned a neighbour to give him a very important message but the phone was answered by his 6years old son who informed me that his father was out of town while his mother was away to the market. He, however, assured me that she would be back soon, so I told him to tell her to give me a ring in exactly one hour from the time I was talking to him.
One hour later, there was a faint knock on my front door. I opened the door and beheld my neighbour's son. "Is your Mum back?" I asked.
"No." he replied, " but since you said she should give you the ring within one hour, I decided to search her room. This is the only ring I found." He preferred a diamond ring.
DEATH COMES BUT ONCE.
A few days afta his girl frend-a medical student-packed out of his house,folowin a quarrel btw dem, a banka stumbld upon a plastik model skeleton she had 4goten. Not prepared 2 talk 2 her again,he tuk d skeleton 2 his offis and tld his secret3 2 fone d girl's broda workin in a nearby buildin 2 cum nd pick it up. Yl e was glossin tru d visitor's buk,d banka over-heard his secret3 tel d person on d line, "my boss said u shd cum 2 his offis and collect ur sister's skeleton."
A drunk was on his way home 1 9it wen e fel in2 a gutta and soon dozd off. Yl e was snorin, anoda drunk came along and startd urinatin in2 d gutta.
"This must b a combination of d Yankari Cold Spring and d Ikogosi Warm Spring," d 1st drunk said on bein rousd by d warm liquid pourin on him.
"A littl yl ago,it was al cold here, naw it is rainin warm water."
Shaken wit fright, d 2nd drunk staggered bak 2 d restaurant. "Say,gentlmen,"he almost shoutd. "Has any of u eva heard a gutta snorin or talkin 2 itself?"
Mr Amos:Junior! Up! U'r doin sumtin else wen d test is goin on abi?! Ok then!
Wu killed Abel?
Junior:uncle, i no cum sch sinc last week which 1 b wu killd abel?
Mr Amos: wil u keep quiet? I say wu killd Abel?
Junior: (crying) uncle abeg i go talk truth.Abel dey live 4 our street bt sinc dat day wey i tel 'am see i go kil 'am i stil see 4 sch d nxt day No b me kil Abel. I kno say na Paul go tel u say na me. E dey dier dat day wey we fight.
Mr Amos: oh God! Simpl question, wu kild Abel?
Junior: (stil cryin) no b me. Hey see 'am sey b na d 1 wey dey pry 5. E don pass naw naw. I see 'am wit my eyes.
Mr Amos: ok. It is nt dat Abel. It is the 1 insid d bible.
Junior: ookk! U kno tel me b4. Shey na d 1 wey dey 4 old testament abi na d 1 wey dey new testament?
Mr Amos:what du u mean?
Junior:ehm! U see d 1 wey dey old testament na Cain e egbon kil 'am bt d 1 wey dey new testament na OPC kil 'am wen e go steal Mary d mama of Jesus money. Na d guy dem hang 4 crox wit Jesus.Na e dey curses Jesus mak e sav him. ;Dstion[/sub]
Before an apptitude oral test, Mr Amos the C.R.S teacher has informed the whole class that they shd go and read their bible for the test.
On the d day as Mr Amos comes in al the pupils stand to greet him xcept Junior wu was nt in school wen d announcement was made and was try to copy his note so as to meet up with wat he has missd.
The following conversation goin during the test.
Mr Amos: ahem!! I kno dat u'v fully prepard 4 my test. Oh! Hav ur sit! Hav ur sit!!. Now let's begin. Plz kno whisperin and if u hear ur name just stand up,ok?!
Class: yes, uncle!.
Mr Amos: Paul stand! What is the first book of the new testament?
Mr Amos: correct! Clap for hhhiiimmmm.
Mr Amos: Bilikis, the first man on the earth is?
Bilikis: Anobi Adam(asale tu wasalam).
Mr Amos: Which version of the bible du u see that?!
Bilikis: i used my koran wen no 1 is ready to lend me their bible.
Mr Amos: Good. I luv dat.
As he is sayin diz, he saw Junior doin sumtin else so he cald him to answer his question