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Am Comfused In The Situation I Find Myself I Sincerely Need ur Help! mari who??

I need your candid advice. I am really confused, I am 26yrs old and i have this guy I love so Much He has been the only guy in my life since I was 20 he always tell he loves me but he is not emotional. Ie, He doesn't call me unless there is something serious he doesn't believe in social calls. He has not bought anything for me since the relationship started, anyway, I understand he was in school at a time I even support Him financially because am the last and He is the first in his family so I get from my bros and support him whenever he complained. But now the issue is that I feel I love him more because he calls me when he needs something from me and whenever I complain he tells me he is not emotional but he loves me.

Now he got a job with Mobil and has proposed to me. But am not comfortable with his "I don't care" attitude at all. That has been problem with him. Meanwhile he has everything I would need in a guy, very intelligent , handsome, loves God, and neat but emotionally he is =0 even when am sick in the hospital I will be the one calling to tell him how am doing.

But recently a guy I knew in my church we were friends both in choir nothing more than that. After He finished law school got visa lottery traveled to the states. He came home after we met in church he collected my Cell phone No. and has been calling me and has made friends with all my family members he calls them and calls me more than five times a day and we talk for hrs sometimes. He just told me last week that he is in love and would want to come this Dec. to propose and other things might follow he just got his citizenship and will want to settle down and he wants someone he knows from home.

The two people now have common personalities, same profession, handsome, God fearing not same tribe with me. But the first has a character that my family don't want because of the way he carries himself they see him as an arrogant person. My dad once told me that that arrogant boy will have nothing to do with his family. But the truth is that I love him. But this second person, my family loves him always saying good things about him though they don't know his intention yet but I know they will all accept him when his intention is known.

Am beginning to compare I can tell u that the second person is more caring always calling I don't even call him, sending gifts sending his people to come and check on me and know how am doing and he is damn worried whenever an down. But the main man is always on the receiving side I do the calls, the visit, and he keeps telling me he is in love and will do everything to have me. My guy is is 30 this yr and the other person is 35. My friends tell me he will one day mature the other person is more matured thats why he know what to do.

Ladies!!!!!!!! Please if you are in my shoes what will you do and guys in the house just read my story carefully and tell me who will make a good husband. because am a sensitive person I need peace security and love,

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30 answers

Ha! This is from 2 years ago. OP's probably had a baby now for another man who's not even part of this story.

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You'll have to think well and solve this for yourself sister. No matter how much you tell us about their personalties, even if you choose to attach their pictures, only you know what you want and you should reason hard while also trusting in God - if you believe in God.

I think the part about emotionality may not be very accurate as you may be downplaying his romantic side - not because you've chosen to mislead us, but because you expect more from him. As a friend of mine says, there are women who'll rather have a man saying "I love you" while kicking them than a man who shows love but says nothing. While your partner's words are important, his actions are more important. Also you have to know that the other guy who's super-romantic now will cut down the romance as soon as you know him for a while.

I also think your parents know why they prefer the new guy and why they think the other one is arrogant. Maybe he is, maybe he is just the quiet type. You should know him by now. Ask him questions without nagging, this is the way to communicate, this is obviously something missing in your relationship so far. Goodluck, may God guide you.

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@Poster.

I read your post and I was drawn to make a little contribution due to ur need to seek a way forward. Indeed in a multitude of wise counsel there is safety. Although the ultimate decision lies with u but knowledge will help u make an informed decision. I ma joining others to say the 2nd guy seem to be a better option. Its very obvious u r tolerating the first guy, and for just relationship/friendship that is okay but for marraige, am afraid u will get so frustrated that u may loose ur mind.

For the 2nd guy even though u don't know him much doesn't mean that u cant try. Fear of failure is even worse than failure itself. The guy I presumed is even taking more risk than u, so if he could do that for love, then I think he knows what he wants. As a young man, I will advice u go for the 2nd guy because to me he will make a better husband.

When a guy begin to repeatedly use the word "u can walk away if u like, I just can't change". Then that sums it up. walk away my dear but this time u have another hands wide open to receive u. Cheers.

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I would advise u go 4 the second guy cos he is more matured than the other guy and he will treat u like a woman.Most importantly pray for Gods guidance.

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My dear sister ,dont venture into marrying the first guy,i beg you in the name of God.For you to have been able to notice that he is nonchalant and uncaring that means it is quite obvious.And again you dont overlook such kind of behaviour.And from the way you talk i can see that you really loved to be cared for.which woman doesn't amyway?If you go into the marriage and he travels and he doesn't call.It will become a big issue,infact his nonchalant and uncaring attitude will create problems for you both .At that time you can't change him and if you try to complain all he will tell you is that but you know this is how i am before you got married.

I am in this kind of situation so I know exactly how it is

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Your opinion is totally valid and I agree 100% with you. 

Still, would love to know what decision she made in the end.

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My dear poster, you have to be very careful at this time: here are my assumptions and suggestions that ypu may need to consider

1. Never rush at making decisions when you are at cross roads.

2. Pray continually until you finally end up with your choice.

3.I believe so much in time. allow a good period of time before making decision 6 months to 1 year will do.

4. dont be discouraged by lack of display of affection from the 1st cos he might still actually changed and dont be too impressed by display of

excessive largesse from another as it might be a game plan to buy over or a show of desperation as he is out of country and might be difficult to find the kind of wife he wants abroad.

5. Give both of them 50-50 chance within this period and try to be neutral to both of them within the period.

6. before the period ends, time factor will have made the real situations clear to you.

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Hi . I think and feel that the First guy your main guy may be feeling obligated to you having received some assistance from you in the past as such he is trying hard not to fail you. While the second guy is showing concern and efforts to win your love. Who knows tomorrow? but if I may ask do you have or have you had any covenant with any of them? Why the question Girls or rather Boys and Girls seems to take for granted the act of first sex. the guy that first had sex with you in life established the first covenant with you because if you don't know let me remind you that blood was involved in that act an most often that not 90 % of Men and women after marriage wish to get back with there first love if possible and with that hunger unsatisfied there always something missing. So now is your chance to reconcile with the covenant you made right or wrong. use your head.

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@hadiza,

am sure the poster would have made her choice. The thread is an old thread and the lady is ok by now. As for you, I don't see any similarity between your situation and hers. Read her story again.

Your ex was telling you by when deleting your picture from your phone, that you are not that important and that he can't show the world you are his.

And by buying him the latest phone, you made it look as if you are desperate to have him. I am not saying you are wrong to want him or to buy him gift. I suspect, however that you must have gone beyond your brief. Just an opinion.

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My dear, getting a man that truly love & adore you, is an inestimable treasure. My humanly advice, is to go for the man that loves you more. but dont lean on your human inclinations, take it to God the source of true love and let Him choose for you. Take time to pray about it, God is not an author of confusion, He will show u the right man for you.

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I really thank everybody who has contributed to this thread. This has really made me to draw more closer to God to seek His face and really understand who I am and what is it that I want also what love is all about.

Honestly am getting somethings clearer and God is really helping me cos this is the most difficult situation I have ever found myself and it has pushed more to God and at the end I will stand to thank Him.

I really appreciate. Thanks

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i'm very sorry dear that you found yourself in this confusing trend, anyway you are confused because you believe you love him, but the earlier you start knowing that the relationship have been longing for an end and another new one to begin the better for you.

I know you are not blind, i appologize there are many ladies seeking the second opportunity you have if they get it 50% they will act upon the news i wouldn't want to hear is that you didn't choose the second person who adores you, i am a young man and i know what is in the heart of this two men.

Please open your eyes and get married quick and do it purposefully, your former relationship well has quite lasted but was unproductive, you lost severally, any man that your beauty and qualities as a Woman of Integrity does not move to do or act in a way to show it does not love you and cannot love you.

You can end up becoming the very reason that man acts the way he does, he wants you to understand that he's tired of you. that all.

Remember you have been cheated, end that relationship and start a new one, relationship is symbiotic or mutual, in all love, respect, giving, emotions etc even if you are a queen who wants to marry a poor man the Poor man shouls have a way of expressing his hearts to the queen.

Every Man is the full composite of his heart.

Many men use such acts to speak their mind and whatever a man thinketh so HE is.

Help us Preachers go a long way in solving many late marriage problems, please my dear get married now you are 26yrs old thats the peak time get married before you start rushing to seek a husband and fall into a wrong hand.

Like i said earlier marry with a purpose in mind, plan how you are going to spend the rest of your life with that partner of life.

Plan how your family will look like and have GOD in mind let all your plans revolve round HIS Name.

Pray always that things dont run your life but that you will be in charge and control

Post any other questions as topics or contact me for more counselling and prayers until you succeed in your pursuit

Remain Blessed.

Prosper Njoku

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True talk!!!!!!!!! God has to come in here for her to make the best choice. Also she should understand when God speaks.

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complicated situation but yet again

What a friend we have in Jesus,

all our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry

everything to God in prayer!

O what peace we often forfeit,

O what needless pain we bear,

all because we do not carry

everything to God in prayer.

As it is, you have to go spiritual because mr. america can also change for the worse or mr. mobil can be better.

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H

Marry the man that loves you is the best advice.

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I agree with u "its a difficult issue here"

But marry the man u love is another difficult issue cos loving somebody and hating his character that much is a big problem. The family is also not in support is another case that has to be paid attention to. See u can't change such an adult. Again from her post i understand the man is a lawyer ITK pple. its not easy Unless she is ready to endure till the end. He is always sayig follow ur heart if u can't cope thats who Iam not emotional I mean a hard man. The poster is the last in her own family she needs some pampering from her man. Myself I can't stand a hard man who has no emotions. Be wise.

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I really appreciate everybody's opinion on this matter. You have given me some suggestions that I think its up to me to decide.

Actually before the second person came, its not been easy we have been a kind of off and on, the 6yrs thing is not at a stretch, I remember in 2004 I was always complaining about that his character he told me that thats who he is if I can't put up with that I should quit and I did. .But in 2006 he came back begging that he was ready to change although he did change but gradually went back to his normal life now all he tells me is that thats he"s life if I can't cope wt that

then i should follow my heart.

Anyway, am just praying to God for divine direction because everything has to be settled this yr.

Again I say thank you all for your candid contributions i really appreciate. Will still welcome more.

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Dumping the first guy is definitely an option but marrying the second one may not necessarily be a better alternative. U have known the first guy for 6yrs and the second guy u just met when he came home and maybe with an agenda to find a wife. Anybody that comes looking for a wife would always present a likeable facade. Now what is behind that facade-----only time would tell. U are completely going into uncharted waters here.

As for the nonchalant and arrogant dude, u have known him for 6 yrs , attitude and all. I believe 6yrs is a long time to know if he loves u or not and also to differentiate that from his attitude. I want to believe that u never thot of leaving him until the emotional americana showed up with his proposal.

Question is what kind of poo can u tolerate and what kind of poo does he give (Every person has some kind of imperfections). If for 6 yrs he has not given u any problem but his[i] percieved inchalant[/i] and u feel u can deal with that, then fine. If u cant deal with that, then leave but at this time the americana is not a veritable alternative. U dont know him that well.

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Telam sometimes I wonder were some pple are coming from. There is time for everything!!!!!!!! You most not post when u have nothing to post.

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my dear, don't be confused. The devil u know is better than the angel u don't know. The guy in the states appears nice and caring but do u know him well enough to marry him?

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Hi my girl, your story sounds like mine b4 i got married I understand what u are going through.Men like that are so difficult to please the more u try the more frustrated you get. They are mr. know it all.

The second one u said you know some yrs back b4 he traveled and after seeing all the babes in yankee he came back to fall in love with u and he is more matured and from the look of things your parents will prefer him to the former, parental consent in marriage is so important.

Main prayer is needed but you don't a prophet to tell you that God has come to ur rescue. First guy might be real but since u are not comfortable with his way of life he can't change after marriage unless u are ready to endure till the end. Marriege is forever000000000000.

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Another thing that bothers me in this relationship is that he comes from a broken home. But each time I ask him the reason he will tell me is not yet time to go into that. But this evening I called him telling some of my worries in this relationship. also asking him what transpired B/w his parents. He finally told me that the dad had much love and care for the mom but she couldn't handle it. That was the reason for divorce. Honestly I love this guy so much but sometimes I don't understand his person.

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main, i know human beings are different but similar in a way.

As a woman i love petting a lot and i believe avery real woman does so i suggest you let the first guy go.

and the second guy, girl look b4 u conclude even if it appears like a saint, don't rush and don't loose for age sake.

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In my opinion like reloaded and 4Him said,forget that first guy.

He does seem like he loves you but has a strange way of showing it.

Some men are like that but he'll drive you nuts.

He is most likely a man who would not help you around with anything in the house.

You may be backing a crying baby,breastfeeding your infant and frying akara while he's watching TV and drinking fanta.

He has no emotions.

Go with the 2nd guy but know that he may also have his own "demons"

No one is perfect.

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I actually forgot about the fact that you help him out financially

I think it's funny that you do all that yet he acts all indifferent towards you. That's actually pathetic and as for him not showing much respect for your parents, that's a problem.

luckily you have a second optioon but I still say you should watch the second guy well before you make any hasty decisions, since you havent known that one for long yet but from what you've said, seems like he's the one that will end up being better for you but still dont rush anything

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Go with the second guy. If he doesnt care so much about you now neither will he do so when u're married to him for life.

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I once told him about other offers, But then he was still in school, so he said because he got no money thats why I want to leave and he keeps saying, If my spirit compels me to leave him then I should follow my spirit but one thing he knows is that he loves me and will do everything for me. But he just got a job recently.

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Hmm, this is an interesting situation. I will come back with my response later.

AlmondJoy and other "agony aunts and uncles" please you contribution is much needed

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Nikki W,

Just like Sly said,PRAY!

The 2nd guy seems moe like it in my own opinion.

I am very sure u cant love both of em equally.

It is well.

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