«Home

Can You Marry Against Your Parents' Wishes?

I don't know why Igbos, most especially Anambra people, don't allow their children, especially the daughters, to marry from another tribe.

Please I would like to know because I have a friend that is in love with a middle belt man but when the man proposed the parents refused. The parents are against it because the man is not igbo and he has a son from his past relationship.

Please, I would like to hear your opinions on this issue. I need answers.

Avatar
Newbie
98 answers

@siena

hey sweetie, how's you wife doing?

0
Avatar
Newbie

Of course I can marry against my parents wishes. I'm a grown man, and free to make my own choices, right or wrong. That's how we learn. If you need your parents to make one of the most important decisions in your life, you'll never learn.

And you'll remain a sissy and pushover for life.

0
Avatar
Newbie

If u have respect for your parent and u want their blessing then u would not marry against there wish if u do then u should knw that the marriage wouldn't last almost 2years their is always going to be trouble until the both of u dipart son don't do it. I'm talking from experience. i will nottalk 2much

So all failed marriages did not have the parents consent? I f yours failed it might be ur fault.You argument holds no water.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I don't know about this one oo

0
Avatar
Newbie

My father is a control freak whom listens to no one he is rich and demands his children worship him. My mum is the only wife and has no say in the family. My brothers and sister play politics trying to outdo one another for the old man's attention i can hardly endure their unwholesome how are you doing? I left the home stead trying to get a job for the first time at 30 am going thru hell right now if i find stability and want to marry and my parents are still alive. Do you think their consent or lack thereof would shake me. I think not.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Can I marry against my parent's wishes? Every good thing I do is against their wishes, so why not?

0
Avatar
Newbie

@Topic

Maybe or maybe not, depending on the situation, but i still need my parent blessing

I will try talking to my parent, let the reason with me, by looking at things at my own point of view

But luckily for me, it’s hard for my parent to say no to me, especially when they know that’s where my heart is.

We should also try to understand is for our own good, they want the best for all of us and want to see their children happy. Sometimes they tend to say no because of their own past experience but might later agree then the line after you have convince them why he/she is the person you see to be spending the rest of your life with.

These parents could be a pain in the Bottom but at the end of the day, they want the best for us

0
Avatar
Newbie

Is it a sin to marry against parents wish?

even if u know their reasons are selfish.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I did against my parents wish because of love and 5 years down the line, we are waxing stronger and the better for it.

There has been some 'i told you so, ' but i believe in working on things and making it happen.

0
Avatar
Newbie

No I won't marry against my parents wishes.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I love my parents. So I can’t marry against their wish.

If I love a girl whom they aren’t satisfied with, all I have to do is to convince them to accept her that’s all. I know they will. Some parents are a bit tough but with time, they would get used to the girl.

I can’t choose a girl at the expense of my parents.

0
Avatar
Newbie

if they do not want me to marry for their own selfish reason, then to hell with their blessings, who says they know best, they dont at all. if i know who i want to marry and i love him and am sure he loves me too, then i will go ahead, even if he is poor, we shall make it together. fine, problem arises in a marriage but even the so-called-know-all parents have problems within themselves. the best thing they can do for we modern children is to give us the best advice and prepare us for the future ahead. especially the anambras.

0
Avatar
Newbie

My parent must approve my marriage. they are more experienced and their blessings I will never miss

0
Avatar
Newbie

This is still amazing! I love and adore my parents and also respect them but I still believe you can marry who it is you want to. Some people seem to be tied to their parents in some strange way I cannot fathom. Your parents views are quite important but we also need to understand as Napoleon Bonaparte said, The best person to do anything for you is you. You as an individual need to make that decision,you know what is best for you not your parents. Because your parents think something is good for you does not always mean it is.

I think people who do this may just be afraid of facing the consequences of their in the event things go wrong. They're afraid of hearing I told you so from their parents lips. One of the great tests of being an adult is being able to face the consequences of ones actions. You only live once,make it a good life for yourself. You don't want to be old and grey thinking about what you should have done,but what you have done.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I CAN'T MARRY AGAINST THER WISH because WHAT THEY SEE S1TTING DOWN EVEN IF I STAND ON THEIR HEADS I CAN'T SEE IT.

MARRAIGE IS NOT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND

IT IS LIFE COMMITMENT AND THER IS NO GOING BACK

I BELIEVE THEY MUST HAVE REASONS 4 THAT, NOT TRIBAL ISSUES BUT A GOOD REASON 4 SUCH. NOBODY MARRIES 2DAY WITH THE INTENSION OF QUITTING 2MORO.

WE MUST BE CARE

0
Avatar
Newbie

You can try but it requires a very special set of circumstances. Both parties have to be ready to live with not having amicable relationship with one (or both) sets of parents for a long time. That was one of several reasons why my engagement ended.

0
Avatar
Newbie

HI,

PARENTS ARE IMPORTANT YES BUT IF THEIR REASONS BELLY SELF INTEREST(B/C MOST PARENTS SEE THEIR CHILDREN AS PROPERTIES ESP D IGBOS N ANAMBRARIAN),I WILL GO AGAINST THEIR WISHES BUT IF I SEE REASONS WITH THEM E.G LOVE BLINDS WOMEN SUCH DT THEY DONT TAKE TIME TO KNOW THE PRACTICES OF THOSE OTHER TRIBES THEY ARE GOING TO E.G D WIDOWHOOD RITESD FAMILY LIFESTYLE,ETC

EVERY BODY JUST SHINE YA EYES SHA !

0
Avatar
Newbie

I understand where you are coming from, but I don't think that just because you don't agree with what some people think that it's nonsense.

Yes, SOME whites, Hispanics, and Asians marry against their parents wishes, but that doesn't mean they all do. In fact that vast majority probably do not. So saying that because some people of other cultures do get married against their parents wishes is not a reason for all Africans to do the same.

Personally for me, I wouldn't marry against my parents wishes because I know they have my best interest at heart. No matter how much growing up I felt like I knew the right thing. . .in the end, they were always right. And they are open-minded to a point, so I know they wouldn't be limiting who I marry based on some tribalistic stuff.

And being that my parents are married, all their friends are married, they would be in a better position to advice me when that time comes. I know the effects of an unblessed marriage on the family. . .and the kids. Because not all parents come around, and sometimes you think that you will be able to make it fine without them, but that is not always the case. I can assure you that such a life is not an easy one (I'm not saying that you should take the easy route at all. . .but really it depends on the reasons behind your parents saying what they say). As for my parents, they might see character flaws in the person that I'm with that might be a problem later. They know couples that have gotten divorced, that they knew back when they first got married, and they know what went wrong. . .and even at our ages they will teach us little things here and there or tell us things to be careful of when we're looking to get married. Things to avoid and what not in a potential partner. I gladly take the advice of someone who has been there, and knows more on the whole idea of marriage, and what it takes. And it takes a lot more than my idealist mind might be able to comprehend at this point in time.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I can't blive all the absolute nonsense I'v heard.Some grown up people will actually allow their parents emotionally blackmail them out of marrying who they want? Wherever you are you need to grow up and grow up fast. I understand that valuing your parents views about things are important,and all that stuff about honouring your parents in the Bible, but your parents have lived their lives and now it's time for you to live yours.Parents,due to no fault of theirs try to pick out what they think is the best for you; their choices are not always the best unfortunately. How many of us picked a subject in school our parents thought was not for us? How many of us went ahead and bought that car or applied for that job?

To my people that say we are nigerians we need our parents blessing,don't white,hispanic or asian people marry? Even without their parents too!The only reason people back down is cos of hearsay from individuals that think about their parents comments every time they have a little quarrel,and they think their parents are the encyclopedia of marriage.If african women weren't so quick to run to their mothers if your husband comes in late and you husbands if your wife can't cook you decide to go to your mum /dad(instead of being romantic and showing her lovingly how to cook), our parents won't have a cause to say i told you so.Please spare me the drama,you better marry who you want.

0
Avatar
Newbie

They got there life, I got mine

0
Avatar
Newbie

This topic still dey on

0
Avatar
Newbie

this thread means alot to me am in a similar situation but my prob is RELIGION am a muslim and he is Christian my parents re not down at all his parents re both late but his siblings re so nice to me, i really do love him but my parents!!!!!!!!!!!!! do i wear a placard writen muslim brother wanted this thing is not easy at all! i worry so much, i just pray for guidance and hope

0
Avatar
Newbie

the only reason i can accept not to marry if my parent protest is if they have a genuine reason without that i will go ahead

0
Avatar
Newbie

ARE YOU PARENTS PLEASER OR YOU ARE GOING TO MARRIED SOMEONE WHO YOU FIND

HAPPINESS WITH? NOW I KNOW WHY YOU NIGERIANS HAVE DISASTROUS MARRIED

LIFE.YOU MARRIED INCOMPATIBLE PARTNERS JUST TO PLEASE YOUR PARENTS? YOU PEOPLE

ARE SO "silly AT TIME IN REASONING?" GOSH!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE THE ONE GOING TO LIVE

WITH THE PERSON, NOT YOUR PARENTS THAT'S WHY DIVORCED IS SO RAMPANT IN YOUR

COUNTRY.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Wealth shldnt be an issue.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Well said, jare. Lafem, that was deep!! You said exactly what I was thinking, but couldn't find the right words to convey!!

You hear some (not all), parents giving excuses like[i], "she is not from our area, "[/i] as if they were the ones that drew the map of Nigeria, or others like "he does not have a master's degree," meanwhile the Bobo get BSc. o! Or another ludicurous one "how rich are his people? Can he afford to take care of you?" forgetting that it is the Almighty God that blesses people with wealth. The fact that a man has money today, does not mean he will not have any, tomorrow & vice versa.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Majority tried it and failed.

0
Avatar
Newbie

best [as you blanketly put it] to listen them, especially depending on the situation and their motive. Infact, it may sometimes be necessary for parents to be the ones doing the listening. The same God that asked children to honour and obey their parents also asked parents not to abuse their exalted positions, which as we all know, some of them DO! They're human too, and are prone to exercising wrong and poor judgements from time to time. I think in the matter of marriage, we gotta be careful to appraise each situation on a case by case basis, and examine their motive and reasons, before judging whether or not to accept their advice. Fine, as an adult one can hear-out/listen to their view/advice, but the final decision ought to based on the truthfulness and soundness of such advice, because believe it or not, parents don't always know best [note that I said 'ALWAYS', as nobody's 'always' right]. There've been countless instances when some parents chose to selfishly and unjustly withold their consent without sound/just reasons, and consequently caused the couple to elope and marry without it, AND STILL end-up having a successful marriage. You can't tell me that such marriages are invalid or that parental consent guarantees a successful marriage; because at the end of the day it's going to boil down to how willing the couple are to make the marriage work.  It's o.k for you to hold on to your view on this matter, but atleast put it in context by considering that some parents may not always have just/good reasons to withold their consent.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Well i think its best listening to them and opting out when they dont think its the best for you.

0
Avatar
Newbie

i can do.the facts still stand dat love is a strong feeliings. when you follow your heart is good. and also it depends my parents must av a genuie reason if not forget about it

0
Avatar
Newbie

@Topic

Highly unlikely but possible.

0
Avatar
Newbie

for me

It is a good option. Parent can advice pray and support but that it!

guess what! i would go aganist thier wish with no regret if i notice even a slim trace of them being selfish

0
Avatar
Newbie

The bottom line still remains its nt adviceable.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Is the guy's "tribe" the only reason why your father won't allow you to marry him? Or are there other deeper reasons? Do you feel comfortable with the guy's culture? Are you both willing to work at your relationship, and make it perfect? Do you believe in your heart of hearts, that he is the one for you? Most importantly, do you have peace within,when you are with him? Does your spirit agree with his own & has the good Lord confirmed it to you? If the answers are "YES", then go on your knees & pray hard.

What do the Scriptures say? "The hearts of the kings & princes are in the hands of the Lord & He turns it whichever way He wills, " Obi Ekwueme, the first son of  former vice-president Chief Alex Ekwueme had the same problem, when he wanted to marry a Yoruba girl. The girl was so afraid of her parent's reaction. The guy told her calmly "If this relationship is of God, then it will stand, let's fast & pray." By the time they both announced to their parents that they were getting married, both parties took it without fuss. And the rest as they say, is history.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Most Times When Parents dont want u to marry ur choice of man. There is an 80 percent chance that it is for a selfish reason. Imagine an excuse that He is not rich enough or i'll like you to be close to me (and take care of me). I will definitely marry against their wishes as long as it is a God fearing person irrespective of where he/she comes from.

0
Avatar
Newbie

the fact is there are some decisions you take in life that make or mar your future,like marrying against your parents wishes.its better you let them see from your own point of view.as for me,i can and i cant,its just from the way am looking at it.if it is love,i can

0
Avatar
Newbie

Would i be wrong to ask u what sort of parents you have? No one wants to see their children go through hell.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I'm in a position where this situation is happening to me. I'm an igbo lady who has found love with a yoruba man and we have been together for more than 5 years. My father has met him on some ocassions and really likes him, but will not allow me to get married to him because he is a yoruba. I thought he would understand as his relationship to my mother (igbo) ended in separation, and me not having seen her for more than 10 years before she sadly passed away. He doesn't want me to get married to any yoruba man because he thinks it will not last. But this is not acceptable to me, because I feel he is just being selfish that he cannot give me a valid reason. But I know if I do get married without his blessing, he and his family will disown me. On the other hand, if I listen to my father, I will never be happy and out of spite I will not marry, because all he wants is for me to get married to an igbo man in which he prefers. I might as well have an arranged marriage!

0
Avatar
Newbie

Those who claim to be 'well-advised' must also ask for the spirit of discernment & understanding, because advice can come from different sources & can take any form, shape, size or content.

Some of the advice (even though they carry good intentions), may turn out to be hopelessly wrong, or unsuitable.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Ma parents used to be the kinda ppl who will say "ehen u can't marry him if he's not our tribe o!"

But these days, their eyes are opening up and they're realizing that it's not about tribe o!

For reasons of religion however, ma parents can decide not to bless ma union. For example, ma parents will

not let me marry a man who's not a born again chrisitian that is well integrated into a living church and confirmed by his pastor.

They would not let me marry any man who goes to catholic, anglican or white garment churches, I wudn't even consider those

in the first place (esp. white garment churches, not to offend anybody). Ma parents are very concious about the spiritualilty of the man

I'm goin to marry and if their spirit does not agree with him, then I have no other choice than to RELAX AND LET GO!!

I trust ma parents judgements more than anything else wen it comes to that sort of thing. After reading sum stories in Late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya's

books for singles, I don't want to make a grave mistake.

So bottom line, I WILL NOT marry against ma parents wishes. PERIOD!!!

0
Avatar
Newbie

Its jst easy to say but most people wont do it @ orl.

0
Avatar
Newbie

@ Laudate

I did feel bad bt one sure thing is everyone has a reason for saying what they say.Do u get

0
Avatar
Newbie

My post was not meant to declare who was 'right' or who was 'wrong'. Neither was it meant to be a fault-finding, moralistic treatise. I leave that to the priests. And to human conscience. My post was just to highlight the fact, that decisions which concern matters of the heart, should not be based on tribal lines. Such decisions hardly ever fall into neatly demarcated compartments of 'do's' & 'don'ts.', no matter how much we would like them to do so. Period.

How would you feel, if someone told you that you were just not good enough for their son, simply because you came from another 'tribe?'

0
Avatar
Newbie

i think i would go against their wishes if i think their reasons are ridiculous ( He's White, He's not from the same tribe , or he's not from the same country, these are examples of ridiculous reasons )

But if their reasons are geniune, you know some mothers who love their children can feel certain things,

but however i want to beleive youths nowaredays have come above these backward manner of thinking.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Umm, I'm sorry. Did I miss something? How much more of a story do I need.

Man dates Girl A. Man breaks up with Girl A and marries Girl B. Man while married to Girl B is having affair with Girl A.

Seems to me that Girl A is carrying on with a married man. I don't know about you, but that makes both of them adulterers. This means they are willing to violate marriage vows consequences be damned.

Are you seriously trying to suggest that there is some alternate explanation for what happened. That they were not really committing adultery? Perhaps if I knew the full story I would feel sorry for them and not judge so harshly? Death row criminals try it all the time. They were abused by their parents as children. Nobody every loved them. It doesn't matter. As an adult, you are held responsible for your actions unless it can be definitely proven that you were or are insane.

0
Avatar
Newbie

There have been cases where parents have frowned at the choice of their offspring. But in the years to come, after studying the spouse of their children, or after subjecting their prospective son or daughter-in-law to close scrutiny, they end up changing their minds, or may shelve their initial objections & give their consent to the wedding.

In some cases, after grandchildren enter the picture, they become more amenable to their children's spouses.

Unfortunately, most young people do not take out time to convince their parents respectfully, on why they have chosen a particular person. They either chicken out & meekly do a U-turn to fall in line with their parent's wishes, or take a hardline stance & draw the battle line with their parents, by giving them an ultimatum. The latter approach hardly ever works out well. It breeds resentment & disrespect down the line.

But if efforts to appeal for the parents' understanding, are made with decorum & respect, then parents are often bound to give in, after a while.

Show why you have chosen this or that person to be your spouse. List the qualities you find appealing in him or her. And make them understand why that person is central to your happiness. An African proverb says that "if you say something is sweet, then you have to demonstrate its' sweetness."

A couple in my church celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary recently, and at the occassion, the husband recalled that his wife's father had him arrested by the police when they were dating, because according to the old man, "this young man is always coming to disturb my daughter." But the couple asked other elders in the woman's family to intervene, and eventually they got married. Today, their marriage still serves as a source of inspiration for many people.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Such sweeping judgements shouldn't be made, unless one has all the facts of the whole story, at one's fingertips. The young man merely went in search of happiness, with someone he loved. Period. The Efik girl from what I heard, did not have a history of dating married men. The Nnewi guy was her first boyfriend. She was there for him, when he had nothing. She was living with her relatives when they met. She persuaded them to help him. Took him in, sheltered him, got him his first job & suffered with him when things were rough. When he became financially secure, his parents got him a wife "from their place." Sadly, he went along with their plans. He was obviously too weak to follow his heart.

Marrying along tribal lines, does not always guarantee success. Even though many say there is a high rate of successful marriages among people from the same ethnic group, I have met people from the same village getting married & a few years down the line, the marriage ended in an acrimonous divorce. I have also seen folks from different ethnic nationalities getting married, and their union lasted for many years, until they were parted by death. Respect, love, understanding, compassion, trust, loyalty, fidelity, sincerity etc. have a lot more to do with making a union work, rather than just tribe or merely what geographical region, a person comes from.

The example of the Nnewi guy & Efik  girl, just goes to show that matters of the heart are hardly amenable to regimented rules. Especially when it comes to some out-dated tribalistic ones, drawn up by some old-fashioned parents.

0
Avatar
Newbie
Your answer
Add image

By posting your answer, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.