«Home

Child Abandonment By Callous Fathers, How Come?

While divorce is becoming acceptable in today's society, unfortunately, child abandonment is a baffling subject, because one just can't comprehend why a parent would coldheartedly abandon their own 'flesh and blood'. A slight doubt in paternity could be the reason behind this unfortunate developement, but in today's world, when DNA has sucessfully quelled such doubts with a 99% accuracy, that hasnt prevented these cowardly men from taking this less dignifying route by severing ties with their children.

It is no longer news that the black community has been hit hard by reports of child abandonment, neither is it a surprise that kids, growing up in a single parent family are more likely to engage in societal vices. I read a report about a certain celebrity, whose father, would call him up on his birthday or so, tell him to meet him at the airport. The excited kid would show up at the airport to wait for his father, who would be a no-show. Speak of cruelty, which may damage a child's emotional health.

Some prominent blacks have had tales of woe of being abandoned by their father, for the 'other woman', perhaps, or for drugs, etc. Child support, which could remedy the problem, posed by a single parent, suriving on one's income can easily be defeated. Some of these heartless men would connive with their employers to pay them "under the table". So no revenues can be substantiated. And for the truant ones, an attempt to sneak back into their ward's lives sometimes occur when the younger generation has hit a gold mine. The charitable ones have accomodated them, while the unforgiving ones, have also turned their backs on them. Today, I was reading about Dame Shirley Bassey, a Welsh singer, who has attained celebrity status, on account of her singing career. No big deal, but here is the truth about her heritage , her dad was from Nigeria. Apparently, (if he is still alive) he may have lost out, if his sucessful daughter has not reached out to him.

In Nigeria, I never heard of men, abandoning their children for whatsoever reason. On the other way round, they were the ones who fought tooth and nail for child custody, (and in most cases, winning the judgement) and then, forbidding their former wife from visiting them. The vengeful ones could go a step further by attempting to poison the children's thoughts about their mother. It does happen, but in the USA, (regarded as the land of milk and honey) some men, would gladly heave, "What a relief to be free from this burden", why is that?

Avatar
Newbie
69 answers

I still dont understand why women like to have children for men who are clearly irresponsible or at worst, they should have a discussion with men before leaving themselves open to pregnancy.

I would rather than women keep their bodies till they are ready for procreation, which should be after marriage. If you have a baby for a man who has no part in your life, why do you think he will be more interested simply because you decided to have a child for him? Try and get realistic

0
Avatar
Newbie

@sista, same here, I remarried nearly five years ago A'isha knows my current husband from the day she was born.

The distance tends to justify their ignorance sometimes, as in the fact that her father lives in US and I live in EU. I reckon though, even if I stayed in PA the situation would be the same. He's always to busy with one thing or another.

Sure I eventually found out then that he had a number of other children in IL and one or two in IA. Shame on him.

0
Avatar
Newbie

My childs father was an african american man and we were married. He has abandoned his daughter from day one. His father (nigerian) abandoned him and his mother (african am) when he was a new born baby. It continues and continues. I would not have even given birth if I were not married. I was married and look what happened. Some men just don't care. There are men here (white) that do these things also. I dont have the stats though.

0
Avatar
Newbie

@ post

I'll never understand this myself, it's extremely selfish to completely disregard and adandon one of the biggest responsibilities you'll ever have in life. I have a lot of respect for the dutiful single parents out there whether male or female and all the absent parents, I hope they get what's coming to them.

0
Avatar
Newbie

What is a certain kind of woman

0
Avatar
Newbie

I realise there is a growing number of, mostly foreign based, Nigerian ladies who do not like to hear that a man would not want to marry certain kinds of women. I have always believed, and still do so, the reason is because they realise it affects them in a personal way.

0
Avatar
Newbie

chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

You people have blinded me.

my eyes l.

0
Avatar
Newbie

lmao alot of single mothers as single friends --- of course you do. you should be locked in a room with your own voice for company you can sound so silly sometimes. Talk here talk there and end up making no sense muthafunke'

BITE ME

You are such a dumb , and not only so, you must have had an absolutely ridiculuous upbringing.

Your warped mind cannot take in anything that does not feature in your wierd world of loonies and so you resort to attacking anyone who has contrary views and opinions. You have done it to a few on some threads and I am not afraid of taking on imbeciles like you, especially indecent and uncultured ones.

You have a problem with who my friends are? Go and find idiots like yourself for company,

0
Avatar
Newbie

look at how animated you've become from one small sentence lol

0
Avatar
Newbie

roflmao the real thing uh? can you handle it?

0
Avatar
Newbie

you havent wanked today have you? **looks concerned** see this is why you erractic

0
Avatar
Newbie

I'm young and strong, but you can never trust these Nigerian girls, they like the Energizer bunny the keep going and going. So i need some extra juice just to keep up. I'm used to white chics and every body knows that it take only one time with my Mandingo pee pee to satisfy a white chic

*zulu hope no white girl reads this*

0
Avatar
Newbie

zulu you are very silly, look these ppl would soon come and sart crying that we changing topic lol , if only they realised it is dead at nite and hardly anyone is about, anyways leave my mangos alone you rotten perv

0
Avatar
Newbie

I'm just hanging in there, just can't wait to get my hands on those juicy succulent mangos of yours. Hope you keeping em warm for papa zulu

0
Avatar
Newbie

been good , had a lazy day today and wish it could go on, but yeah been good. Yourself?

0
Avatar
Newbie

What makes it a narrow point of view? Is it the fact that I made choices that I feel are best for me? Must my choices in life be the same as your thoughts?

By the way, I don't care what any woman wants to become in her life or whether or not she made a mistake and is rectifying it. It had been my choice for a long time never to marry anyone who has had a child. If you want to marry all the single parents in the world, it's your prerogative so don't come here and give me feminist theories about who's doing well.

Who's doing well is not what affects my life choices.

The fact that I chose not to marry a single mother does not imply I treat them with disdain, you are the narrow minded one who doesn't seem able to accept the fact that everyone is entitled to make choices with regards to how they want to live their lives and who they live their lives with.

I have, as you may or may not be able to imagine, quite a number of single mothers as good friends!!!

0
Avatar
Newbie

Uh? Isn't that a rather narrow point of view? What if the mother is an intelligent, hard-working, caring, truthful, honest, sensitive widow? Should the fact that she has a kid without a father, condemn her to a life of[i] 'single-hood'[/i]?

Should the fact that a woman made an error of judgement somewhere, somehow by getting pregnant & has retraced her steps enough to forge ahead & take care of herself and her kid alone, make her a pariah?

Thank goodness, not all men think like you do!

Some women get pregnant, but not all, keep it. A few give up the kid for adoption, several others arrange a termination, quietly,  because for them, this is an easy way out. Child birth & child rearing is not kid's play. And it takes a lot of courage for a woman to walk that road, all alone. Many men date & marry women that have had a termination in the past, and those men are deluded into thinking that because there are no kids in public view, their woman is some kind of saint, or she is in some way better than those single mothers who have kids to show for their folly. They walk away with a self-righteous smirk after putting down single mums, for their folly, in having kids outside wedlock.

I have seen some of these single mums get married to some other decent men at the end of the day, who end up taking care of them & treating those children, like their own.

One needs to look at this issue in a realistic manner. Am not an advocate of women having kids outside wedlock because it is fashionable or convenient to do so. But am also not an advocate of treating single mothers like dirt or looking down on them, because they didn't toe the moral line dictated by their society. I believe by helping those single mums to find their feet & making sure they realise there is a better alternative out there, they would be able to get back on the 'straight & narrow', and still make a success of their lives & raise their children, well. Who knows what those children would become, tomorrow? A supreme court judge, a preacher, a doctor or even a president of the most powerful country in the world? Just think! The possiblities are endless.

In a world where some women cry daily, because they cannot have children, others are being castigated & ridiculed, for becoming single mothers. Its' really amazing!

0
Avatar
Newbie

Easy i am a single Mother.

My daughter has won 3 awards for best performance in her school . In the last 3 years.

The other two have not met her standard but they too are doing well.

No school drop outs here and no unwanted babies.

Having a baby is not the worst thing that can happen to a girl.

In Germany a teenage mother can go on with her school with a baby.

There are a lot of people that will take care of her.and her needs.

But only if the mother wants to finish school

0
Avatar
Newbie

The links Easy posted only serve to higlight the torment these children OFTEN go through when a father leaves a mother to cope on her own. It is a miracle when some kids turn out well I know several of my friends who are successful women despite having no father around, all down to the love and determination their mothers showed them. Despite this though it only takes a few words to send them into a rage or see that look of hurt and sometimes shame (although they should not) what about your dad?'.

0
Avatar
Newbie

That only gose for london girls the world is big

0
Avatar
Newbie

Exactly! You even made a good point - a big number of these men still go on to become lower class citizens, often jobless or impregnate others anyway and finally settle down with one of their baby mamas whilst cheating on the side, so what better life is it they are running to? They might as well just stay and if not have a relationship with the mom, support her in raising THEIR child. For a man to look after a child from a previous relationship makes him not a brave or courageous person but someone who has morals. You made a decision now deal with the consequences. You won't die from having a child by a woman you don't wan't to be with. Atleast your conscience will be lot clearer. It is called doing what is right! Many women marry men who have kids the reverse is alot rarer though. You may even find you love the mother of your child. Many men have married women to avaoid a child out of wedlock and grew to love them. Some of these relationships, survive those of people who had no kids before marriage. It is true it won't be easy. But nothing in life is easy, anything that comes easy often has big consequences anyway (e.g. sex itself).

You can't have any pride to abandon your blood. People need to stop making excuses as to why it is hard to look after or even stay in contact with their son/daughter of course there are many reasons - reasons that affect the women who bear these children too who also had the opportunity to abandon their kids. Yes, it is hard. But get a grip, what's done is done, it's time to get it together. Have you wondered why they don't call it 'DO THE MOST HONOURABLE THING'? It is because their is no honour in it. It is your duty as the creator of this being who enetered this world by your decree. it is called 'Do the RIGHT thing'!

0
Avatar
Newbie

I found some of these particularly interesting

http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/b/broken_homes.asp

0
Avatar
Newbie

The men have no pride and are chasing a future that probably isn't there.

0
Avatar
Newbie

SURVEY RESULT

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/core/Content/displayPrintable.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/02/24/nteen24.xml&site=5

0
Avatar
Newbie

@ Donzman - did you understand me? If not I was not supporting child abandonment. But the question is not why people are not smart enough to use protection - an issue in itself. But once the child is there why would a man feel he can live with the immorality of leaving an innocent being in a horrid situation.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Oh so after giving birth to the kid, you now realize it is hard and run away. Does that not point to a lack of intelligence and foresight?. . . If the man was a little bit smart, he could have known that children are not easy to handle and will do everything possible to prevent having one.

Again, I point to lack of INTELLIGENCE and FORESIGHT on behalf of these men and women, no other thing can convince me otherwise.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I think some people (not gonna mention names), have gotoon things wrong. Whilst it is a strain on the mum to be a single mum in this scenario. There is no use saying 'she deserves it'. THE BIGGER PICTURE IS she is not the one who necessarily suffers the most. It is often the child. You can say why did the woman not do this, or do that - fine. She should have take the same precautions we say the men should have, perhaps more if you wish to argue so.

But what did the child do, what part did he/she play in this. Did he/she have any choice to be born? Did he/she have any opportunity to take chances on life. Often raised in poverty and if not that then raised without a father figure they may crave no matter how perfect their mother may be. I respect a lot (although not all) single mothers. Especially in Nigeria where there is no social security. She too can run away! She can give the child to adoption, have an abortion, but she does not do that mostly because she knows this child need not be punished for her mistakes.

My question is not about the reason why men abandon children. The answer is clear - it is hard. But my answer is how do men go to sleep at night, or how can they claim to have morals. Knowing somewhere some child is asking why his/her dad did not love him/her? HOW? We should not ask how come? It is actually not a hard question to answer and will only cause bashing. But how do you cope with the knowledge you abandoned a helpless human being (or two self if you wan't to include the mum), when they needed you the most? All I know is it can't be easy.

0
Avatar
Newbie

This may appear so statistically but I dont think it's an absolute.

Westernisation does not necessarily have to lead to single parenthood if a girl has the proper background and prental upbringing, and if she apllies some wisdom as well.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I retract my earlier discourse about not hearing of this trend of child abandonment by fathers in Nigeria. It is also common back home. I know that there are some young men who have disavowed their girlfriends pregnancy, either because of finances, societial disapproval of unwed pregnancies and furthermore, fear of a backlash from their family members. Working adults in Nigeria, are also guilty, because some of them have not stepped upto their plate, with absolutely no valid reasons. How this is different from the USA is that back home, such topics are usually discussed/restricted in a private setting. (No baby daddy drama, as it is publicly played out here because of shame)

0
Avatar
Newbie

well, the long and short of it is:

men walk away BECAUSE THEY CAN.

That's all there is to it.  So at the end of the day, a single man who is so inclined can get any girl(s) pregnant and simply walk away.

So sad.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Reason is simple -

Most of these boys/girls who get pregnant at an early age (which often leads to abandonment) do not have a clear goal for the future. They have the kid and it's all joy for the first 6 months after which it dawns on them that their future has been mortgaged. The men find a way out while the women are stuck with the kid.

It's all a product of poor intelligence on behalf of both parties. If you want to have sex, use a condom AND a contraceptive pill both of which are easily available in the western world. If these guys had visions of what they wanted to achieve, they'll be smart enough to work towards that goal and avoid "unwanted pregnancies". I don't see the excuse for "unwanted pregnancies" in the West (except for cases of molest). It's all due to lack of intelligence for both parties and lack of pride on the man's part which is often due to the man not having a father in the first place.

To answer the question: It is due to lack of intelligence, vision for the future and pride! End of story!

0
Avatar
Newbie

Any woman who adopts the western style of life would eventually end up a single mum, that is a must.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I used to live in an environment where young girls would willingly become the mother to the child of the biggest known drug dealer just to be able to say "I have his baby." They didn't care that he had children by other women they just wanted to be a part of th ghetto stardom. I know what i am talking about. Bottom line, a lot of the young girls who come from homes where education is not important but the fast dollar is more important, they are not thinking about the future, they are thinking about right now, they want to have a child for the richest drug dealer or the next one who is in line to become the next greatest rapper. To them, if they could just get that nigga to love them they will always be taken care. Of course, that is a immature fantasy. If a man does not want to be kept, he will not be kept.

The girl needs to be the one to look out for her self, of course the fact that she is pregnant is both of the young man and womans fault but will that matter after the baby is born and the man is gone? What I just talked about is in the case of teenagers, not young adults the ages 21 and up. The young adults who feel they do not want to be together but have children together, they are going to court to gain equal parental rights.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I agree with Ndipe that we need to instill values in our kids as we raise them. The rate

at which young men abandon their kids would dramatically decrease if they had been

raised with good values regarding taking care of one's family.

While we are not perfect in Nigeria (and Africa), I think we fare better in this regard

compared to some others.

0
Avatar
Newbie

hmmm and then the thread changed -----------i am out

0
Avatar
Newbie

where were you when the form was passed around before we entered our mother's wombs? Go and ask o!

0
Avatar
Newbie

i talked to an aunt about the issue, my brother if the child were maybe less than a yr old then we could consider. Two kids both over 3 is a BIG hurdle o!

What about when (NOT IF) i become a rich guy? Wont those idiots start coming around to demand visitation rights? Will i be able in court to become the sole father of the kids and give them my own name?

Will my wife be spared having to interact with those riffraffs?

0
Avatar
Newbie

When did you sign the contract with God ? Before or after you were born ?

0
Avatar
Newbie

Sensible piece.

However, going around and bashing the men without sending out the proper message to other young girls will result in this the same thing ocurring again and again.

I honestly dislike it when hard truth is spoken in order for people to understand reality and some liberalist people, especially over-westernised ones, come out to try and make out that what the girls are doing is fine and all the blame should go to the boys. Girls will never learn with that kind of attitude and that's why there are quite a few on here with the same kind of problem.

0
Avatar
Newbie

That's actually been corrected, and it was done before your post

0
Avatar
Newbie

this truly disgust me and pls dont go into details, becos it just tells me immature boys do this not MEN. anyway thanks for your post you have verified what David was saying, and yes it is very callous to do what you say. well congrats you have sucessfully labeled many Nigerian men as spineless twats

0
Avatar
Newbie

Irresponsible boys who should be in college or high school going around sleeping with girls for fun, irresponsible girls who wont listen to mommy rebeliously running after irresponsible idiots with rented cars and borrowed clothes.

I just came back from a vacation yesterday where i ran into some long forgotten family friends who came here inn the 80s. The first kid is only 29, cute thing! She's a single mother of 2 kids from different fathers!!! Now the big issue on her hands and those of her parents is who will marry her. Now she's a good christian who goes to church 3-4 times a week. But with pikin, all the good boys are looking the other way.

I inquired about her sister, no one is sure if she also has a child out of wedlock too and she's just in school. When i came last yr, her mom was trying to get me to talk to the girl. Marrying a girl no matter how cute who has another man's abandoned property is not the contract i signed with dear God.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Any man who's first instinct not one of survival is not a man. Maybe I need not go into details with you about that. It's the natural constitution of most Nigerian, and probably African men

0
Avatar
Newbie

not EVERYMAN, NOT AT ALL THIS SOUNDS LIKE A CUP OUT TO ME.

MY  former colleague GOT pregnant and wanted to abort badly but her boyfriend begged and begged her NOT TO

0
Avatar
Newbie

dream on soldier dream on

hey what was that guy on about that martlet ? that was so random dont even know him

0
Avatar
Newbie

Every man's first instinct is that of survival so if the guy thinks that the presence of a little baby in his life will ruin the progress he wants to make, he'll bolt. It's bitter but it's the truth and girls had better know it.

0
Avatar
Newbie

this must be some special girl who gets pregnant willingly just to trap a man into a relationship. Where is this girl? Mars or Venus?

0
Avatar
Newbie
Your answer
Add image

By posting your answer, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.