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For The Married Folks: What Happens When The Novelty Wears Off?

I am talking to people who have been married for over 3years

What happens when the  novelty wears off?

When you cant feel the butterflies in ur stomach?

when reality sets in and you realize that at the end of the day,he is just human

which makes him imperfect

what do u do

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68 answers

Marriage is a business you must learn to run successfully most of the time.It should be handled the way a natural business is being handled.

Many women cannot take nonsense from their husbands at home but they can tolerate it from their bosses in the working places.WHAT AN IRONY.

To much familiarity brings contempt they say.The same goes for marriage.Love in the home will always be tested by so many things.For the love to keep on standing depends on the genuineness of the love in the first place.A lot of people thought they married out of love only to discover to their horror that they find it difficult to love their spouse after few years into the marriage.

IF YOU TRULY LOVE YOUR SPOUSE NOTHING ON EARTH CAN BREAK YOUR MARRIAGE LET ONLY TO WEAR IT DOWN BELOW ZERO LEVEL.

The many divorce in marriages and lost love in homes is making many to believe that is the common trend today.

By December 4 next month I would be clocking 12years in marriage.I still love my wife and she still loves me.Though we have faced so many challenges that are enough to wear the novelty down but like I said it is difficult to kill a real love.

SONG SOLOMON 8:6-8 SAYS,

"SET ME AS A SEAL UPON YOUR HEART, FOR LOVE IS AS STRONG AS DEATH,MANY WATERS(troubles,people,trials) CANNOT QUENCH LOVE, "

That is what I believe marriage should be and not the many lies being told by people who are weak in nature and cover their evil indulgence with fake eloquent words.

However you must learn to be creative if you want your home to be interesting.Tolerate the weakness of your spouse,get use to his or her verbal language until change come.I strongly believe genuine spouse tend to change as they grow older in their marriage and laugh about their childish behaviors in the early years of their marriage.

In summarily you must know how to run a home and keep it aglow with joy.MUCH OF IT LIES IN THE HAND OF THE WIVES.

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Okay, this is going to be a bit long, but I hope it helps.

I was in this space a while ago. I've been married 8 years, and the first few years were pretty good. But like others have said, then the kids came, my work involved a lot of travelling that took me away from home for days at a time, and then about 2-3 years ago, my husband did some things that caused me to lose respect for him, and diminished him in my eyes. It was like all of a sudden, all I could see were his faults. And when he tried to touch me, I would cringe, make faces, excuses, etc.

I got to the point where I thought I was destined to live in that situation for the rest of my life (I don't believe in divorce). The first breakthough for me was when I started to pray about the situation. I went to God and laid my complaints exactly the way I felt. I basically poured out my heart in prayer and asked God for help. Next, I started to remember the way we were when we first met - MEMORIES are a very powerful tool - especially if you chose to meditate on the good ones and not the bad. The more I remembered how good he had been to me, the less angry I felt.

Next, God made me realize I was holding unforgiveness in my heart. Everytime I got upset, I would dredge up issues 3-5 years old and think about them until I was almost bursting with anger all over again. I had to let go of all old issues - whether they had been dealt with or not.

And then, i made a conscious effort to be more spontaneous and romantic. This was hard for me, but I worked on it. I'm more like a man than a woman in that area - I can be an island on my own and not need anyone, but I consciously started to lean on my husband more, open myself up to be more intimate with him, and gradually things got better.

Something happened a few days ago. We had dinner with a couple - the wife and I are colleagues. As we started to talk about the people at work, my husband was contirbuting to the conversation as if he works there. The other guy looked at him in amazement and said - how do you know all these people? My husband said, my wife talks to me about them. The guy replied - my wife talks too, but I don't really listen. That was enough to keep a smile on my face for a good two days. I have filed it away in my memory hard drive and if he does something to make me angry in the future, I will drag it out and remind myself what a great guy my husband is.

BTW, i've quit the travelling job - in my experience, absence does not make the heart grow fonder.

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Marriage is hardwork. Maintaining the sparks dont just come you have to work at it.

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marriage is a lot of hardwork. you have to consciously create time for each other by doing whatever it takes. with kids running around there's no privacy for romance oh. Each time my daughter sees the bedroom door shut she will knock and knock and whine till she is let in. you cant even knack in peace. Lol. Frustrates the heck out of my husband. I am all for shipping the kid off to grandma. Enjoy peace and quiet and each others company.

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LIVE WITH IT. YOU ARE YOU AND SHE IS SHE. ITS CALLED WILL POWER.

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In your own interest, i can see that u dont want the novelty to wears off. God will help you.

Pls follow positive advice on this tread.

In addition you said he's just being human, studied him the more and know more about his nature. Use what u have to get what u need, Use that his nature of 'being human', make innovations towards it such that the novelty will not wear off and keep the flag flying.

Wayback in time, before the kids. You know how to turn him on. Innovate, devise a new plan and make him come to life again. START A RESEARCH ON THE NEW HIM, WHAT IS IT THAT IS TURNING DOWN THE LIGHT.

Good luck.

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the both of you have to b interested in bringing back d butterflies in ur lives, so its not a one sided thing.there r websites that couples can visit once in a while to get back d romance in their lives. apart from that, u have to b innovative and think up what u can do to spice up ur marriage. then most importantly, pray to God.

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Sholyb is right.Marriage has to be worked on.But I dnt really think I have the patience.

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Africaine,

Am a woman, just a little too liberal minded. Most times i guess i come across as a man.

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Start dating eachother again.

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Africaine,

I told an unmarried friend of mine yesterday, that lady "marriage is sooooooooo overated"

If you are a married man or woman out there and you have a happy marriage, you are truely blessed.

Most marriages are like prisons to most of the couples in it, and sadly here in Africa to be divorced, even for the men is a herculean task. You really need to be someone who doesnt care what society thinks to go ahead with a divorce. Many men and women are living in loveless marriages but they dont have the guts to go their seprate ways.

I have been married for 5 years and truely the there are no more sparks in my marriage. Right now am really trying to put some colour back into it, but its even more difficult when your partner can't meet you halfway. Its harder when intellectually you can not relate with your partner on the same level. Your ideologies are simply different, your partner can not grasp the the context or content of your conversation. It really is a sad situation to be in a loveless marriage.

Africaine you are so right the novelty does wear off but if is a person you really love you can work around it. Yeah it crazy sometimes kids, work, maybe classes, exam and of course catering to your partners need. Like so many people have suggested make time for just the two of you. Create time for romance, yeah its another task creating that time but thats the only way you are gonna be seeing any butterflies, sparks, romance or whatever name you may choose to call it.

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@adetoru,the reality bolee stated is scary but it is the truth.I live by it.

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What happens when the novelty wears off is,you work reeeeally hard.Both parties need to work at it.We all tend to relax after we get married which is wrong;the guy stops wooing and the girl stops dressing to impress.Keeping the butterflies fluttering around is hard work.I spend a fortune on lingerie and I don't use my weight issues as an excuse to dress up in tents.

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Babe, Sorry to burst your bubble but that is it!

You have had your 3 years of marriage according to mills and boons, that is all

Some folks stretch the fantasy period t0 7-10 years but after that you are left with the wind and grind of marriage reality and it is not a bed of roses.

Problem with the advice being given is that it is for you the woman, if the effort is one sided it will not work. forget the religious fanatism, you r the one missing something, craving for affection, who is being adviced to show love and affection, you, so how will it work?

Pele, sad to say it doesn't get better, issues will arise in marriage, Kids or no kids, school, work, relatives, friends, finances, health issues, emotions will run wild.

there will be ups and downs, happy periods and low tides, quarrels and make up sex

Sex may be drastically reduced to once or twice a month unless you keep a sexy figure and attitude to match.

I hear marriage is a cycle, and that you get back to the flutters in your stomach bit again later in life, if life does not deal you very hard cards and you manage to stay married, when the children have left the house and you finally accept that life may just not get better and realise all you have left really is each other.

How does that sound? Pathetic really and not much to look forwrad to but that is the reality of marriage!

We have been deceived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

, Been married 12 years and speak from experience.

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@beknown very well I know that,bt the issue here is about novelty not fading and the instance I posted is about things that do exactly the opposite.

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@sayso,

Do you know that there are married couples wanting to hear the cry of their own baby for many years without any success?

Would you consider giving your children away for permanent adoption to enable you have time to enjoy your life with your wife?

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I love this post cause am in it,the two kids are driving us mad,we cannot remember our wedding date anymore cause of daycare/nursery dates with kids of other parents and one has to maintain the financial side of the house,screen saver has saved alot,at least I look at her and the kids all day through my phone and sometimes when I call to talk to her in an intimate way the kids will start crying,mummy mummy.It is really had but to God be the Glory.

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@Poster,

Have you considered a time with your spouse at the beach? You could just run around like children or play beach volley ball. You must be ready to be active together.

If you are not close to a beach, get ready to travel to it. The beach can relief a lot of stress. Try it.

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I believe, the most important thing is commucation. Be open to one another, communicate your feelings and also be willing to tolerate each other. Both party have a role to play in ensuring that the fire does not go dim, but is constantly being fuelled, with loads of love and understanding.

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You should'nt let it wear off, everyone has his/her own fault. Marriage is an institution, you partner is like an algebra, all you need is the formula to solve every situation that arises. And your marriage will last forever.

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Damn! Living wid someone for the rest of one's life! Marriage is scary mehn. I guess it takes God to make it work out.

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It's important to realize that no body's perfect. all to often when people are in love, the have this idealized image of their partner which blurs short comings. Short comings which some times become annoyingly visible when the daily routine of running a marriage starts to tear at you.

It's always important in the beginning to tell your self what you want in a relationship, and what you will and will not put up with. Make an honest appraisal of your better half, the good , the bad and the ugly. If what you see is ok with you, Have fun, if ti's not, the decision on what to do next is entirely yours.

Need books on relationships, self improvement, money making, family, freebies n lots of other crazy stuff?

www.greatbooks.350.com

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thats why marriage is for adults not just for fantasy driven souls

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That is when marriage starts LOL

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word! I've been chewing on this all day. Cant swallow, though.

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People should always ensure they're married to their friend.

It's like when you quarrel with your best friend you know you'll make up again.

It's the same way with marriage, up and down, quarrel and make up.

You don't hate your friend just because you quarreled, you think of how to quickly resolve the issue.

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@Poster,

The novelty of being boyfriend and girlfriend will surely wear out. The novelty of being married never wears out if you both work towards oneness as God destined marriage.

As for children (whatever their ages), they are the blessings in the marriage. Many married people who do not have children are not happy, even with all other enjoyment.

Plan and organise your children around you and your spouse. That is one of the joy of marriage blessed with children. Remember that you are more matured now with more experience. Allow plenty of time for you and your spouse, very important.

The love of husband and wife is not like the love of parents and their children. Your spouse should be your soul mate and best friend.

Never let your love for your kids or job come between you and your spouse. Always make your spouse feel wanted.

Make time for both you and your spouse to do something that you both like and enjoy. If you like holiday, live the children with grandparents or good friends. If you cannot take a travel holiday, both of you can take a day off work  and take the children to school while both of you can do something you enjoy together. You may also plan something for your weekend for both of you alone.

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Words of wisdom from a female.

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never let your kids or work come between you and your husband

make that your utmost priority

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Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church, ,Think about it. I have built my marriage on this verse. Courted for 4 years being married for 3years, the love of God flows from my heart to her. While we were yet sinners, Jesus died for us.

You should be friends and not just lovers. Some days we're friends, brother/sister and lovers. Respect each other.

Work out your salvation with fear and trembling the bible adjorns. What this means is that there is no eternal security.How does this apply to marriage. I still bring my marriage before the alter of the author of marriage in prayer. Ask God to fill you with his own kind of love for your partner.

Marry for the right reasons.

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Communication

Trust

Respect

The 3 play important roles but the 1st seems to be the not-so-easy one to deal with. For every relationship (including those based on LUST), we are always excited to discover 'LOVE'; few months later, reality sets in.

It's up to you two make sure you constantly discuss how you'll make 'US' (or WE as you put it) work out; you need to share your expectations and you both look forward to it. It 's important that you happiness also makes him happy - Sholeyb gave a valuable solution in the previous posts.

Children could be distractions but the fact remains that they 'll come, go but 2 of you will remain. Therefore, since you've realized that children are likely to cause some stuffs, talk to him about your feelings - it's the only way he can know what to do with making you happy.

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okay,some people are just been silly on this thread,but thanks anyways to people who have been sincere with thier replies

Let me reiterate please,I love my hubby,he's really nice and helps out with the kids,but I just feel

thats all we do,we have a toddler and a baby,so its really hectic, with work and all

we dont even have any "WE" anymore,

its almost as if the kids,is driving us apart!!!

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All this people saying novelty does not wear out are all lying to yourselfs,it does because he or she has definitely changed,3 years of marriage,kid(s) is/are around,etc,but what  you all should be posting here is how you handle the fading novel.3 years ago,I took her to the altar and I made a convenant to GOD that I have taken my missing rib for better /worse,that GOD should give me the grace to hold on to this woman till the rest of my life,by his grace I am living that.

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^^^^ well said. This is about the most matured thing i've ever read on Nairaland. The comments are precise and objective. I guess maturity comes wit marriage. I'm not married yet, but im having a similar issue wit my GF. I love this girl so much, but all d fun in d relationship is gone. We've been together for more than a year and it was really great at the begining. But now, we dnt get to talk anymore although i know we've got so much to say to each other. Based on d really helpful comments above, i guess we'll just go back to d drawing board, open up and try once more to make it work. Kudos to the OP and contributors.

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This is one of d most reasonable threads I have ever come across on Nairaland. I am not married yet so guess I can't share any experience, but I sure feel I have learnt a thing or two from all the insightful post on this thread.

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Marriage is for adults and for immature kids.

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@OP

Search yourself, what do you REALLY mean when you say that you love??

Let me give you something to chew on ==>

"You are never in love with anyone,

You are only in love with your prejudiced and hopeful idea of that person,

And you fall out of love when that IDEA CHANGES. . . "

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What a lot of pple do not realise is when children comes into a marriage, a man and a woman changes due to the stress and challenges of the responsibilities of looking after the kids thereby lowering  the intensity of the passion that was there originially. This if not properly managed will most of the time lead to extra marital affairs and cosequently divorce. So, couples get real, u both will never feel the same when your everyday bedmatics results into babies who due to not their fault demands daily attention. I hope this helps solmeone out there.

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simple. be friends with her as well as a lover,when one suffers a hitch the other uplifts.believe me, be friend with your partner.

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Novelty does not wear off in genuine love.Period.

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I have been married to my husband for over 8 years and honestly, the butterflies are still there. Marriage needs to be worked on. My husband & I made decisions early in our marriage to;

a) Spend time alone everyday

b) Go out on a weekly date

c) Be intimate at least twice a week

d) Pray together daily by God's grace

e) Never keep malice with each other

d) share all we have including money

f) keep family out of our matter( no matter who it is)

g) Go away on holiday once a month( weekend away)- it does not have to be an expensive hotel or an exotic location, any where will do as long as we can be alone. To be honest we don't manage this every month, but we try to do it as often as we can.

There have been times when I have been angry with him or felt like leaving the marriage or killing him!but it soon passes because one of these things listed above will force us to talk and resolve issues.

You must form a deep friendship with your husband, I tell my husband everything and I mean everything and he does the same. I can genuinely say by God's grace, he is my best friend.

Bottom line, you have to work on your marriage daily. A lot of us spend more money and time on our looks, career than on our marriage.

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I understand what you are trying to pass across. I have read through every bit of the advice given. They are good. Just want to add this bit. Even when it seems the love is not there, be friends. That helps through a lot of the glum in marriage. Take time out. Leave the kids and go on a date. Not necessarily to a place where you would spend money. You can go for a walk together. It helps. Be creative in bed. The old routine can bore one out. Make the move even if he's shy. Most importantly, let God reign in your home.

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Your duty is to never let it wear off!!!

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Poster sounds like she married just coz she was 'in love'. How won't the butterflies fly away? "At the end of d day, u realise he's just human, " Was he supra-human during d courtship?

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Never let the novelty to wear off. Let no circumstances or situations or recession cause the novelty to wear off.

Think about all the things you did that made the novelty to blossom.

After thinking about them, put them into active service.

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Missing butterflies is what makes a marriage go totally sour.

@Poster, the butterflies aint missing but hanging somewhere around you and your hubby's heart waiting to be watered back to life.

You should kindle the love back by doing those things that made the butterflies leap for joy when you guys just met.

Keep doing it, don't stop doing it. Bring in new ideas to your love life that will not tamper with your jobs and kids.

This is what i do always, even though it is not easy, but i still do it.

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great topic. I had to reactivate my almost 3 years dormant nairaland account to comment here. I would say it takes quite some hard work, with God's help of course. You do your part to always try to recapture that feeling by practising the wise tips fellow nairalanders have already contributed plus:

1) Dressing up for him for absolutely no reason!

2) Little suprises throughout the day, text msgs, cards, small gifts

3) Have date evening as often as you can without the kids , stick to it religiously.

Last tip, but most important, consciously pray that God renews your love for one another like old wine.

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try  taking your spouse out,go to cinema,resturants etc.reignite the flame,try new sex styles,go on holiday,picnics,etc

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