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His Father Is Cheating On His Mum, What Should He Do?

Hi landers, I have a friend with this problem so i told him that i will share with u guys and know ur views.

My friend's parents started out together as a very poor couple living in a face-me-i-face-u apartment. With the woman's effort, he helped the husband all the way until now that he is a successful businessman. They have grown up kids, some in the university, my friend the eldest on his NYSC.

Now that the man is successful, he goes around town chasing girls and generally misbehaving. Everybody knows about this, I mean everybody apart from the poor wife.

The most annoying part is that his escapades are around the neighbourhood. He goes out with the neighbours' daughters, wives, his secretaries, everthing on skirts both underaged and overaged.

My friend and his siblings also know about this too. Each time he challenges his father openly, he charges up and threatens to lay a curse on the poor boy saying that he is ungrateful.Once he tried to throw in words indirectly to the dad in that direction in presence of his mum, all hell broke loose. The dad ranted and shouted and threatened fire and brimstones on both the mother and the kids calling them ingrates and reminding them that after spending all his money on their school fees, they come to insult him. The mum at the end of the day dint even catch the gist, she ended up begging her husband (as an ever peaceful woman)on behalf of the kids.

Now my friend is confused. He wants to tell the mum about everything. He doesnt know if he should do so because in as much as the mum is peaceful, she culd be erratic. If it hurts her so much, she is the kind of person that can pack up and leave the marriage; and the consequences will definitely fall on the kids.

On the other hand, he is afraid of confronting the dad because he doesnt know how he would react. Without the dad, how wuld they feed talkless of paying bills like school fees?

He also thot of confronting the dad's girlfriends, but how many will he confront?

I told him to get someone to talk to his dad but he said the father intimidates all his friends cos he's richer than them all. The bad friends follow him on his escapades while the good ones will be too afraid to confront him (cos he pays some of their children's fees).

The only person the dad respects is his elder brother and he pretends to b a saint in his presence. Going to him might bring up too many problems afterwards.

What should he do

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41 answers

The ones making the most noise will even do worse. That is why I say tread carefully. Let the married couple sort themselves out!!!! And when is he ever going to be of "age" to tell his father what to do? Who is the father and who is the son? I am laughing. Hmmmmmmmmm! I dare not even approach my father with that kind of topic. Hmmmmmmmmm! Not out of fear, but out of respect as my father! Let my mother handle her business! Just like I would never dream of approaching my mother with such a topic. Pretend like you do not know what is happening and look the other way. Really no body's business than the people involved.

Na me born them?

YEA A TRUE GRADE A NIGERIAN RESPONSE, IN ONE OTHER TOPIC YOU SAID, WATEVER UR FATHER DOES, HES UR FATHER.OK THE FACT DOES REMAIN THAT HE IS UR FATHER, BUT WHEN MY FATHER DID THAT TO MY MOTHER, I WAS DONE WITH HIM.I DONT AND WILL NEVER CONDONE ADULTRY.I'VE WASHED MY HANDS OF MY FATHERS ACTIONS. YEA WE SHOULD ACCEPT OUR PARENTS FAULTS BC THEY ACCEPT OURS BUT THE THINGS HES DONE, NA FORGET IT, IM EVEN EMBARASSED TO SAY HE IS MY FATHER. SOME NIGERIAN ( OK SOME )MEN, WOW. IM NIGERIAN BUT DAMN, WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR YOUR KIDS?

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Same thing happened to me and my parents got a divorce which was the BEST THING to happen to my siblings and my mother any of you who disaprove of divorce then you know where to go, I dont know why but this is like the norm. for nigerian fathers to cheat .Almost every nigerian family around us has had the father cheat on the mother. Im not saying this happens in allll nigerian families but it happens in A LOT of them and its very very sad. Most of the times the wife turns the other cheek and pretends nothing is happening, the kids know and are very angry, some confront their father and he gets pissed and denies every damn thing and even starts changing to subject to u kids are ingrates and blah blah blah. I mean OUR OWN FATHERS sleeping with girls OUR age? thats nasty. One thing that pisses me the off is the women. WHY CANT THESE WOMEN STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES AND KNOW THAT THEY DESERVE MUCH BETTER? WHY CANT THEY SHOW THEIR DAUGHTERS A GOOD EXAMPLE SINCE THEIR FATHERS ARENT SHOWING THEIR SONS A VERY GOOD ONE? WHY CANT THEY TEACH THEIR SONS THAT A PROMISCOUS LIFESTYLE (MUCH LIKE THEIR FATHERS) IS WRONG? AND THAT THEY SHOULDNT DO WHAT THEIR FATHERS DO?

SOMEtimes i get pissed at nigerian mentality, stay in the marriage for the kids, dont disgrace the family, thats bullsh!it. NIGERIAN WOMEN: YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think ur friend should confront his mother seriously.so they can go their seperate ways.its obvious his father is on his way to catching AIDS or something and why should she compromise her health just bc the silly man is a LovePeddler?

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first thing to do is pray, for guidiance on what to do[color=#000099][/color]

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from Carlosein: cases like this are so rampant that you can hardly find a customised answer to how they should be handled.

a solution in one case may not apply in another.

what i advise is for your friend to pray for his parents. pray to God for his father's change and also in

thanksgiving for a mother like his who knows (yes she does) yet keeps calm.

as for other actions, there is hardly much he can do, but i challenge him to be good himself and watch lest he

be carried away and begin to act like his father (lots of men are promiscuos because they saw one or other of

the parents so). he should be a good example in charity to his parents and more in understanding.

these usually pay off in the long run.

God bless your friend and his family.

I agree with u. There is nothing prayer cannot do.[quote][/quote]

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i want to get something out here,that ur friend's dad is he performing his fatherly role apart from d fact that is promicisuos man, if yes then tell ur friend not to tell his mom,they shud keep praying for a change of heart for his dad

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To know the truth and to keep it within is no easy joke at all. My fathers wrongs are very minute compared to your friends but believe me at every opportunity i get i let him have a slice of my thoughts. However this has in no way changed him or rather its even getting worse. But at least, i feel a lot better with it out in the open than locked up within me. The thing is we all want a father to be proud of. But life does not always gives us what we want. There is no replacement for the truth. He should tell his mother and let disaster strike. Time will heal all physical wounds. Dont worry he will survive with his sibling. Then he will have no regrets 20 years from now. Note that the timing has to be right. Like after he gets a good job. But to keep it within, no one gets punished than his mother, his sibling and himself. With i psychological blow that does not respect time. And even worse disaster may strike. I read in paper today of some underaged girls who got Molested and now tests positive and i felt like murdering the bastards who did it. Let him picture his mother with AIDS. There is nothing worse than the innocent getting punished. Its a make or break situation. Choose wisely.

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that's like reporting most naija men. besides why are u taking panadol for someone's headache?

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If ur friend's dad curses him its not gunna come to pass cause he did nothing wrong to his dad. He should tell his mom so that she would approach her husband herself. This is one of the reasons y some Nigerian women should learn to be independent by taking some necessary measures cause marriage is not all about cooking, washing and taking care of family. U gotta let a man esp. one like the cheating guy know that u may love him but u also have a life. Since he's cheating she should move out of the house if she cant take it (lots of diseases out there) or get a cute and nice boyfriend instead of trying to make 'peace' so that her husband wont be angry with the kids. Tell her to get a life cause happiness is priceless. Since her husband decided to be happy his own way, let her get hers her own way. But, if she will be happy being or acting naive then her kids should let her be. I just hope she doesnt contact AIDS. Well, who knows, by now the guy is prolly not gunna be touching her talk less of making love to her. By now they may not share the same room nor the same bed cause the guy is likely to see her as a 'plague'.

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This a a real interesting topic

first things first you have not told ius what your firend wants to do

is he just being protective of his mother or does he really eschew sin and he would ensure he does not break a woman's heart later himself

if he is protecting his mum, he shd leave things be, work his way up and maybe set up a business for his mother so she can have sth to fall on.

if he eschews the act then stand up to your father no curse can catch u except later u do the same

Let them pray but the mum is the key

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Tell ur Friend to leave his father and concentrate on himself. He needs to get to that level in his life and he can give his Mama anything she wants. Let him leave the father for now,he'll deal with him later.If the guy gets angry and don't wanna pay school fee,that one na die oh.

Thank God the man no dey bring them come house and he neva marry anotha wife.

Tell ur friend to be wise and upgrade himself first.

"Ti Owo Omode O ba Te Eku Ida"(Hope u understand this yoruba proverb)

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From religion point of view, a child has no right whatsoever to confront his father to the extent of exchanging words with his dad.

But i tell u every father will listen to his respectable son or daughter if they are very respectful with the way they go about their complains.

However it could be very difficult for a father to forgive a son who confronts him to the extent of exchanging words with him.

I will ask your friend to humbly apologise for his actions towards his dad then from there he should try and identify those of their family members that can call his father to order.

I think this would help to some extent but it will be very difficult for the father to stop completely,because he has the resources and this will allways push him.

Its is none of your business to say your friends mothers made his father what he his today that remains between the mum n dad,and if care is not taken the man will marry a second wife.

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Request for GOD intervetion in this situation, and face ur own life

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hmmmmmmmmm, Sounds like a family I know. In fact too similar. Eldest son doing youth service. Daddy is a big big, time womaniser, he claims to be a born again christian, acts like a saint in front of his brother and others in the community, he is nothing but, his wife spends most of her time preaching and is a church member and she's bringing her children up to have christian values. The saddest part is that this particular individual wants to run for public office, any man or woman who cheats on their partners should not be allowed to run for public office full stop, he's powerful and no one can touch him. God will humble him one day. I feel for your friend, it's very sad when children are affected in this way.

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I hope she doesn't contract diseases from her 'husband'

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chii, I am hoping your friend communicated his problems to you and asked your advice, and that you didnt get all your information from hearsay and observation.

If he asked your advice, then its ok for him as first son(if he is first son) to try to fix what has become a family issue since all in the family are definitely affected by his father's ways. I really dont think confronting his mom is a good idea, she most probably knows even if she doesnt admit it. If the family cannot take the shame anymore then it is in no way disrespect if he calmly and like a man, chooses the right moment to talk to his dad about the issue. Tell not not to take a moral high ground as if his father has shamed the family,although he has. The man is his father anyways, rather he should make his father see how his behavior is affecting the family HE CLAIMS TO LOVE, and if it is not love that makes him care and provide for his family but a sense of pride and responsibility, let him make his father see how his behavior is undermining that family pride and dignity. Whatever his father gets his sense of importance from, he should diplomatically use that to let him see how his actions belie his beliefs. However emotional your friend is about the issue, his father will probably get erratic but let him be sure to put his feelings aside and try to drive the point home in the shortest possible time during the discussion. His father no matter his response, will, at a later time remember the things his son told him, and most importantly the manner in whch he spoke, and that might make him pause to think.

Secondly your friend should pray about the issue personally, and then with all members of the family who know about it, hoping their father is not under some sort of curse.

If all avenues have been exhausted, he can talk to his uncle.

A father has no rights anywhere to hold his family to ransom with his behavior, and if he still does not change, they must find a way to slowly remove themselves from under the shadow of that cruel and immoral 'provider'. And while he is still their father, they must empower their mother to do what is right.

While the mother may not be a strongwilled woman, she must also summon the strength and will to protect her family if the father is neglecting his moral responsibilities. She is a wife, a helper and a complement not a subservient slave.

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I think a man on NYSC is no longer a kid.He should humbly comfront his father again and if this approach fails,the eldcer brother and pastor should be briught into the picture.

They may not believe him at first but as adults I think they know that there is no smoke without fire and will eventually investigate the story and intervene.

Mainwhile I want to advise him and his siblings to take the matter to  God in prayer as adultery is an evil spirit that needs divine intervention to overcome.

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I'll say let them handle it themselves if they don't have kids/family! but if that happen to me at my age today, Honestly I'll need a surgery to get my leg out of his Bottom!

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[center]his father will remain his father even if he is Mr.Satan himself,

he should look the other way, because of his mum, and avoid

being cursed by his old man, the curse of a parent is not worth it

all the best to you or sorry your friend[/center]

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RULE NUMBER ONE: never tell any of a married couple that one is cheating on the other unless you want to cause a break up.

the best your friend can do if he is of age(ie if he is independent of daddys support) is to tell the old goat to keep his dick outside of the neighbourhood.the mother probably knows what the husband is doing but is turning a blind eye to his activities for the sake of peace.

the best advice i can give your friend is to learn from his dads stupidity and not act like that when he gets married.

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@ poster:

It takes a man who fears God to be faithful. Therefore, no amount of confrontations would change the man's ways, except he understands what it means to really be GOD FEARING.

For the sake of peace then, encourage your friend and his siblings to take it to God in prayer that their father should learn to fear Him.

All da best

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First all I think every man is entitled to whatever path he chooses to follow,what is not acceptable is reflecting the shame on his loved ones out of selfishness and promiscuity which he obviously is less bothered about.

If I were this fella I'd just take some time to converse with my father perhaps find out why he does it outrageously being careful not to judge him.I've been made to believe the reasons we men go out of many ways to satisfy our selfish desires varies and depends on the individual.It usually is the fact that they are aware they can get away with this guilty pleasures without being accountable to anyone especially if they contribute their bit to the welfare of their family and especially when they are the only ticket to the family's survival.This and a tonne more justifications promote this deed.

At this point I will suggest that this gentleman ask himself if he could be capable of doing the same thing,if he's sure he can't downgrade himself to the extent of so many extra marital affairs would he even experiment with one? Ofcourse provided with all the necessary means to foster this acts.

My opinion, if he's man enough to talk to his mum he should do so with indifference at the same time understand the consequences of a confrontation.Then lastly wait until he's his father's age before throwing stones at him even in his grave.

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wats wit this SEPERATION of parents nd all.

its just that the woman is almost helpless witout the help of the man.

excludin dat wat kind of MAN s dat? i really dont no aw men get wen dey re like dat dou m a pdt of a 1ce broken but now reconstructed home ve neva bin around a home were d MAN of d house cheats nd if my dad were to b d 1 i can only imagine d HAVOC my mum lld cause i 4 1 feel dat man s a JACKASSS well obviously he s.

 but guys apart from the fact that the lady cant cope witout the man livin wit a man s not a criterion 4 survivin wats d use of livin in a home dat u dont ve peace?

u cant say m so sure my husband s at his workplace nd m so syre he s meetin wit dis person now?

u cant say he s wit this friend of his nd dat nd dose nd i no d name of d bar were they rre?

u cant cose ur eyes nd say 1 tin u re so sure of ur husband s doin now?

dere certainly s no life there .

i dnt bvlame the woman ova anytin as many of u ve earlier stated probably she knows but she decides to kip quiet but dere s no peace dere.

my dear ur FRIENDS FATHER LLD DEFINETELY CUM  BAC 2 HIS SENSES ONLY IT MITE B LATE OR HE MITE B LATE BY THEN.

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Your friend has no reason to tell his mum and i dont even see the neccesity to talk to the father. My uncle is just like your friend's father and the much i know of him nothing but may be age will put an end to it, I being close to him have spoken to him but nothing has changed, they should just leave him and show him love and respect and make him see you them through their education so that if he eventually die of it they can take care of the mum. My uncle's wife is aware but she is happy that the man so love and respect him and he is paying so so much pounds, euros and dollars to educate her kids as the 3 of them are abroad US, UK,IRL except for the little last kid.

This is why women should not depend on their husbands, if that happens to me i will either stop having sex with him or leave the house to avoid dying of aids or std.

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I suggest u sit ur father down and talk to him.

Then if he refuse to listen to u, that is when u involve ur uncle or any other person u feel like.

But for ur mother, u shouln't involve ur mother in that case since she doesn't know anything about except u want to seperate ur parents.

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Till tody the vrage man is still afride of his mother and his pastor.

I it were my dad i would have shut my mouth.

But in my time aids was something far far away.

and two my mum is late so what he dose withhis new wife is not my problem she is not my mother. she has to take care of it

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candies is right almondjoy, and when i said it was rampant, i meant it.

and all too often the mothers do exactly as described above which in my opinion is a great sign of strenght rather than weakness.

from my experience, even a very weak woman is in her own way stronger than most men.

make una never stone me o

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@ almondjoy,

No, it definitly wasn't the same culture, homes and upbringings differ. My grand parents were just partially educated not like Okonjo's parents who were well read as well as she grew up in the village and remained there all her life, teaching and bringing up her girls.

My mom is very strong in a lot of ways, she's not a weakling by any standard, but do you expect my mom who was a secondary school teacher to walk out of her home with her 9 children of which 8 were girls and take to the streets or back to her parents house because her husband was cheating?

She was strong enough to stay, and we took up her case as soon as we could. my dad did all of that nonsense short of taking a second wife and even had kids outside but she still remained the pillar of the home, well respected, loved and valued by her kids.

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pls leave your mother out of it all.The fact that she did not know about the whole thing makes it look like nothing is happening.You will as a point of duty summon courage to talk to your dad why he should change his ways.

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@ almondjoy,

If you were brought up in a culture that preaches 'submissiveness' of woman to man, a culture where the man is infallable and where daughters as well as wives are not suppose to have a say in major decision, you might understand what I'm talking about.

Fortunately, my siblings and I aren't anything like my parents in that angle, so, we are the only strenght she's got. His infidelity is our problems too because it's a dance of shame and every one in our neighbourhood knew about it and made jest of our family.

To your question, NO, it didn't stop my dad from going around with women but it did stop him from doing it to our faces and shamelessly as if it were his birth right.

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go and meet his pastor or priest

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@ Poster

I was in the same situation while in High School. My Dad probably slept with all the ladies in the whole area.I mean from married to young girls to university girls, it was so bad that he was sleeping with girls i was meant to be toasting.No one knew bout this until the security guard called me and told me. I thought my mum did not know but the security guard told me he had  told my mum a couple of weeks earlier.

I will tell you from experience that there is nothing you can do. The only person that can put a stop to the whole situation is your friends mom and i believe she knows that if she confronts him the marriage might break up-and that is the risk most women are not willing to make.

As for me my mum confronted my dad a few months later

They separated less than a week after she confronted him

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In a society that a monogamous family is an obscure phenomenon?  What kind of faces are they trying to put up?  Life has problems and if you are married in the city or village--don't care where it is--you should be able to handle "infidelity" in marriage. Not just cooking and raising children. 

My main problem here is that this woman is making her children do her dirty work and it is just not fair on them. How can you expel all these kids from your body, raise them and you cannot handle your man and his wahala?  When people get married, do parents not teach them how to take care of "domestic" issues other than having sex, cleaning, cooking, plaiting hair, having and raising children and so on and so forth?--It goes with the territory please.  That was one of the first things my parents taught me as a "girl"--how to handle a "wandering snake"!!!! 

If this woman cannot set a good example for her kids--especially her daughters, I am sorry to say--this viscious cycle will continue to repeat itself. The man has done what he has to do---by not setting a good example for his sons----it is the woman's turn to step up to the plate.  Nothing violent or nasty--every woman should have a formula for this kind of mess.---It is called  "a guide to covering all bases"!!!! You do not just lay down there playing helpless when you have work to do.

Please do not involve the children!!!!!!

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Thanx y'all for the prompt response

@ seun,

beleive me, the mum honestly doesn't know about it. Even if she has an idea about it, she honestly does not know the extent to which it has gone. I dont want to use the word naive to describe her but she is not one that mixes up with people often so there's no way she can find out. Moreover this woman preaches morality, she even boasts to her children that she got married as a virgin and has never gone out of her matrimonial home.

@almondhjoy,

I know its none of my business but im trying to help out a young freind here. They can't even put up their face in the neighbourhood proudly especially the younger siblings; so its their problem as well.

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Carlosein

Very well said

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cases like this are so rampant that you can hardly find a customised answer to how they should be handled.

a solution in one case may not apply in another.

what i advise is for your friend to pray for his parents. pray to God for his father's change and also in

thanksgiving for a mother like his who knows (yes she does) yet keeps calm.

as for other actions, there is hardly much he can do, but i challenge him to be good himself and watch lest he

be carried away and begin to act like his father (lots of men are promiscuos because they saw one or other of

the parents so). he should be a good example in charity to his parents and more in understanding.

these usually pay off in the long run.

God bless your friend and his family.

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@Poster

I will suggest ur friend tell the uncle. Secondly, they should try as much as possible to organise an all nite vigil in his behalf. If that doens't solve the problem, then maybe a crusade,

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A fool at 40 is a fool for ever what of a fool that is more than 40?

Make una leave the man, his cup will soon be full.[/color][color=#990000][color=#990000][/color]

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I don't agree with almondjoy,

I know what the poster is talking about because this has happened to me too.

We confronted my dad and he threatened to disown all of us!

My mom knew but she was too scared to talk, she always apologised on our behalf and looked guilty. It's simply the African mentality, she's about 60 now and grew up in the village with strict African mentality and beliefs even though she's a graduate.

I can feel the pain of your friend but the only option is to talk to your dad. I'm glad he's male, let him call him and have a man to man talk with him.

Tell you what, even if he threatens brim stone and fire, he will curtail his actions and stop doing it as shamelessly as he's doing.

We actually told my dad he was disgracing us before the eyes of our friends and pers. He was so mad and wondered why 'he sent these wortless girls to school!'

It's a terrible world indeed.

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I think the mother knows and is just turning a blind eye to it.

I hope she doesn't end up with diseases she doesn't deserve.

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@ almondjoy, people are different. People are strong in different ways.

@ Candies, I feel your pains and salute the strength of your mom.

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