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How Do You Leave A Nigerian Man?

Now I know that all Nigerian men are not the same! I must admit that when I first married mine (and during the dating) I as an American thought that the 'culture' was universal. Now I see there are many, many 'sub-cultures'.

I have just left my husband and moved from Europe back to the States with our child. It was a very unhealthy relationship with both mental abuse and towards the end physical.

I know I've done the right thing for myself and my daughter but now I am left feeling even more out of control. When he is not sending me emails full of abuse he is asking of his daughter and accusing me of withholding her from him. Mind you he hasn't sent one dime of support for her. The problem is I don't know how I will ever let her see him again? I want her to have a father and I don't want to keep her from him; but I know nIgerian men do not take kindly to being left by their woman. Not so much out of love but from the shame it would provoke from the ridicule of his friends and family(feel free to correct me on this if you think I'm wrong)

My question is - how do I know he won't snatch her and take her to Nigeria? And if he does how can I get her back? Is it safe for me to travel back to Europe for him to see her?

He has always had an inflated view of himself and has always been very, very disrespectful, critical and abusive verbally so its not as if the things he is saying to me now are any different than what he has said in the past. But then I've never left him before.

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Nigerians have left such a good impression on my kids. Now they do not even step out pg the car when i go to the afro shop.Any Nigerian i visit they refuse to come with me.

God bless nigerian men

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please do not invite him,Let him find his way, by inviting him you are comming up for ever rubbish he may do,

Even if you did not cook for him. is anything wrong with his hands.

There are men that are looking for slaves and not for wives.

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solution.

invite him to the states to see his daughter,

create the condition where you know he will get angry cos you attack his ego

wait until he gets physically abusive

Then blast him into the next world!!! american courts are kind to women who gets physically abused

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what a load of tripe.

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He has always had an inflated view of himself and has always been very, very disrespectful, critical and abusive verbally so its not as if the things he is saying to me now are any different than what he has said in the past. But then I've never left him before.

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I can so relate to this. I'm sorry for your problems, but I'm glad I'm not the only one. The fear you have about him taking your child is the same as I have as well. As a fellow American, keep your strength. It takes a strong woman especially being American to tolerate a Nigerian man. No offense to the wonderful Nigerian women out there, but you are used to them. As an American, it's very difficult for us. Tellsimone, do not believe his opinions of you. You are a wonderful person, look at what you have accomplished. Leaving and going to another country to be a wife is to be commended. Most Americans would not have that kind of commitment to an African man. Keep your head up and fight for your child.

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Fabulous you sound just like him - good thing your not all the same.

And for your information I make jollof - agusi soup - the whole lot.

So what do you think perhaps I sweep the wrong way?

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you probably refused to cook for him

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Tell,

You just made a bad choice.  I do believe some naija men abuse you, and throw up their culture.  So I guess being abusive to their women is a culture thing.  Are you African?  Naija culture is strickly man dominated.  You should just be glad you had the strength to move on.  It is not healty to be with an abusive person.

Absolutely, do not allow him to interact with your daughter outside of the US.  He will steal your daughter if he has the chance.  His family will also support him in such behavior. 

He is simply humuliated that you left him and embarrassed him before his friends and family.  He is not the big man he wants everyone to believe, since he wasn't able to control his wife.  It is all an ego thing with him. I find a lot of Naija men have this totally false perception of who they are.  They make themselves be way more than they are.  I can relate to this experience.  I think it is their culture that creates false pride.

Of course, you want your daughter to have a father, but what kind of father.  Do you think you are good mother if you allow your daughter to grow up seeing you abused?  You are showing her how to be treated by a man.  I don't believe you should keep a man just to have a man. 

Have you thought about limiting the contact you have on the internet?  Why would you engage him if he is disrespecting you?  Do you think you have become accepting of such behavior?

Yes, file for divorce immediately.  Don't let it drag on.  Did you legally marry him in the states?  If so, he doesn't have to be present to end the marriage.  I am assuming of course, you are threw with him.

There is life after divorce.  There is also a chance that you might find a better man one day who will love you and your child.  Life is short.  Before you know it, you are a corpse.

Please inform your family and friends of the situation.  You may even have to notifiy the police.

I have heard your story before.  Believe me, you are not the only American woman going through this.  You can recover your life and sanity. 

You need to get on the net a find internet groups that focus on American women and foreign men, particularly African, more specifically Naija. You can get a lot of information. Whe you talk about Naija men in a Naija site, and it is usually not flattering, they get very defensive. So if you can find American women groups who have and are having various experiences with these men, you will have some support.

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Thank you for your replies - I think your all saying the same thing about the court system and I think your right

In regards to his behavoir being a Nigerian thing perhaps I should have been clearer - much of the abuse was based on my being an unfit wife according to his cultural standards - that I don't know how to behave as a Nigerian wife would - how if I marry him I have married his culture so I shoiuld get used to it and conform (which I did at one point try to do - but it was never enough) then furthur it was because of the kind of home I came from that I was bush don't I know he is from royalty etc.etc.

He used his culture as a free ride to abuse me and while I now realize, as I said that this is not 'nigerian' behavior- it does become hard to tell the difference.

For instance no American man I have ever broken up with has called me a disgrace and brought my family upbringing into the matter.

I ask what a Nigerian man is capable of because I have heard stories and was wondering if anyone had any experience or advice. I am not suggesting that people from other countries do not have similar tendincies.

However, I have been amongst the Nigerian community for almost 8 years and I have to say, even amongst Africans, the Nigerian culture is a law onto itself. Surely I am not biased for thinking so? Am I?

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pardon me if i am wrong but on one hand you say not all Nigerians are like this and that, then you come back saying maybe we are a law onto ourselves , asking to be corrected. Sorry i really mean no offense but are you by any change trying to goad us here? if not then i apologize.

Saying that, in some ways yes Nigerian men, or even Just Black men , African men whatever, can be a law unto themselves. it is not a good or bad thing to expect women and men to act in a certain way within the Nigerian culture. It becomes bad when you come across mean individuals like you ex who use anything under the sun as an excuse , or justification for their abuse. This behavior is not exclusive to the Nigerian community

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stay in the states with your child, do not go to him, he will and could take her or do worse. heard of abusive men like him killing their kids and (no it is not just a western thing)

If he wants to see her, he must come to the state, where you , him and the courts can arrange a suitable meet, also let them know of your fears of abduction.He sounds deranged and it is not about where he is from. Good luck.

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@ tellsimone,

am sorry about your marriage and its a pity what seemed so promising had to end this way. definitely he would try to take your daughter away from you so what you need to do is make sure you move back to where your family is so every body can put an eye on your daughter.

make sure you are financially prepared to challenge whatever he would bring before you, and your family must be strong for you. if he sees a lot of family support for you, he may become more reasonable and try to do things the proper way. and if you guys were properly married, try to get a proper divorce and apply for custody of your daughter, the courts always lean towards the mother unless he can establish otherwise. good luck tellsimone.

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In my opinion,Give him sometime before you allow him access to the child, since u say hes abusive,he could try to forcefully take the child or steal her, When she comes of age,she'll understand and be able to make her own decisions, and he wont be able to steal her then.And Men are the same all over the world, A  foreigner did worse to my sister so its not about his being a nigerian, wish u all d best.

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