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I Want To Adopt, My Wife Refused, What Should I Do?

Please House Advice Me, What should I do?

I am a man, 40 years of age, my spouse is 38; I got married nine years ago. My spouse had given birth to a baby girl while she was in Secondary school; the girl finished her SS 3 this year.

But since I got married to my wife, she had been unable to conceive. We’ve tried medical and native drugs none worked.

I suggested to my wife that we should adopt a baby, she refused, I suggested this because I love children and I want to have the one I could call mine.

I suggested to my wife nine years ago when we got wedded that she should let her daughter stay with us, she refused, the girl stayed with her parents.

Recently after, thorough medical examinations, it was discovered that I have low sperm count, yet my wife did not cooperate with me on the said adoption.

Advice me, what do I do?

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31 answers

this is the simple answer to your initial question. practice what you've been preaching all along!

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Poster were you totally upfront with your wife about your medical condition before you married her? or was the low spermatozoa count only diagnosed after you got married?

My Reply: [color=#990000][/color]

I did not know that I had a low spermatozoa then, I just discovered this this year.

When you got married to your wife, why didn't you insist that you wanted her daughter to live with you; after all you are the man of the house and your descision should have been final especially in circumstances like this.

My Response:

I did insisted, but she was blunt, and to let peace reigh at home, I have to let her have her way.

Have you been 100% supportive of her & her daughter over the years? So for example do you attend her school parent teachers association meetings, know her friends, go to visit her without your wife etc. Note that I am not talking about just sending money once a month to her but to consistently actively play the step dad role even though she doesn't live with you.

Reply:

We live miles away, but I do give her calls and send recharge cards to her but my wife did not kinow of this.

When you guys started trying for a baby of your own after you got married, what was your initial attitude/reaction? and what were your family members reaction to your wife over the delay?

Reply:

At first I thought she was the one with problems but after several medical tests and nothing was diagonized in her I also went for medical test, then it discovered I am the cause of our delay in child bearing.

My parents were not happy about this and they keep on disturbing me to marry another wife. But i told them that my wife was not the cause, but I myself. So they left us alone.

I am asking all these questions/making these points because it comes across like your wife is being spiteful and you need to work out why & resolve any issues if any before trying to work on her to change her mind.

Reply:

All effort to let her reason prove abortive, even members of my Church talked to her but she was blunt.

If your woman truly loves you, she will at least give you a very good reason for her refusal for the adoption especially as she knows how important it is to you. The fact that its "business as usual" and she can rest easy knowing the torment you are going through over this issue suggests that you may knowingly or unknowingly somehow over the years have hurt her deeply.

Response:

I think she did not love me. For example, she has never given me any support since we got married. She was always nagging and will not talk to me at home. Any lady she sees me with is my girlfriend ther so many reasons that I cannot express here.

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@ OP are you sure this story you narrated here happened to you? or to a friend or close relative because going by the age you have on your profile it says you are 24years old. We would like to know so that we wont feel that we wasted our hard earned advices on a youngster.

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your wife must take a second husband

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@Siena, I just said sorry cos i dont wana join issues with anyone. And who said am not married? That is not even the issue, The poster did not come here looking for professional advice, I am free and have the right to express my veiws married or unmarried.

I said sorry cos i sensed Amxyl was angry and I just wanted the issue to end there.

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Romeo, I see where you're coming from. But I don't agree, otherwise all qualified midwives would need to have had children, to become midwives. The deciding factor in awarding a certificate in any chosen field, will be proven competence in that particular field, after passing exams. Not just because one has experienced certain things on a personal level.

There are exceptions, of course, whereby one has to have a hands-on approach. Like a driving instructor, who has to be able to demonstrate reasonable competence, as well as the ability to impart that competence to others.

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A qualification is just a qualification. It does not make you excel in your chosen field. Not all qualified Medical Doctors are good. There are many Doctors who have caused patients deaths through negligence, giving appropriate advice, wrong diagnosis, incorrect medicine, wrong dosages, etc - and they are all qualified.

Being married allows you to experience the unique dynamic complexes and challenges of that particular situation. It allows you to formulate solutions to unique problems borne out of unique circumstances. NO amount of training and teaching can give you that!

It like a Football Coach, who has never played competitive football before and does a degree in coaching, before taking on a team.  How effective do you think he would be?

Being married is not necessarily a prerequisite to giving good marriage advice, but it sure gives you a solid platform to start from. Rant over.

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Aisha, please don't be sorry.

You don't need to be married to give marriage counselling. Not all marriage counsellors are married, it's a qualification that's awarded, regardless of ones marital status.

Your advice has always been good on here, don't give up!

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Thank you Alyxm or what is your name. But mind your language, as sensible as your contribution is, yet you spoilt it with calling me fool. We are not fighting here, I just need advice from sensible NL not worthless people.

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You heard from one side and you turned yourself to marriage counsellor and yet you do not have marriage experience.

You only allow yourself to consent to the will of a confused, selfish, ungrateful fool, who will blame innocent woman for his inability to produce a child. What woman go into marriage without a child and yet will be happy? You never wait a moment to consider the feeling of the woman who gave 9 solid year to a worthless man, yet advise wrongly.

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Maybe you should try convincing your wife to adopt a baby.

But after convincing her and she refuses, you don't have a choice but to oblige by her decision.

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look out for your marriage and not youself. Insist your wife do the same. Having a child take both parents, even for adoption.

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@poster since your wife will not allow the child in your home,adoptb a child and keep him/her with your parents.The score is 1/1.

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have you both discussed/considered Assisted reproductive technology i.e IVF?

adoption is quite hard for some for the obvious reasons but does she truly even want a child? i ask, because even though the issue of infertility is hard on couples but at least she'd be willing and open to options and not be completely numb and un-cooperative(as you claim) on the issue. but do continue to communicate with her on the issue, maybe the thing is sure too hard for her

dont lose hope though, some men with LPC can still father a child

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^^ Dont be silly!

She had a child in secondary! How could she have wanted that? Dont you see how that experience might have affected her view of life and having children? The fact that she had her youth interrupted has obviously spoilt the idea that children are a blessing for her! You guys are the ones being selfish here. The woman is having a hard time loving her own flesh and blood and you still want her to adopt.

Looks like the poster has made up his mind on what to do already and like I said earlier, maybe that's a good idea!

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@Uju -

Why cant you be fair and objective in your posts? Why do you always make assumptions about peoples situations, just so you can justify your opinion? How do you know the OP's wife is thinking about the adopted child? Did she make you privy to this information? Is there anything is his post that led you to this conclusion? I'm just making an observation, that all.

@OP -   A low spermatozoa count does not necessarily stop you from conceiving - it just reduces the odds. You can still conceive via IVF. Whist this is far more expensive than adoption, it may be an avenue you may want to pursue; and if your wife says NO to this as well, then  you know she even more selfish than you originally thought.

Also, it is also pertinent that your wife undergoes a fertility test as well - even though she has had a child before. This is standard procedure with couples having difficulty in conceiving.

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From my own point od view, I dont think the woman is being selfish. Infact on the other hand, I think she's thinking of the adopted child!

A woman who wouldnt have her own child living with her is certainly lacking marternal abilitites. She probably knows she would ruin the poor child's life! (bad parenting can do that you know).

@ poster

Not everybody is meant to have kids you know. Sometimes, the whole thing is over rated sef. If your wife dosn't want anymore ids, you cantry and deal with that. Cos let's face it, you are partly yo blame here!

if you can't deal with it then maybe you should go ahead and divorce her and find a woman who'll give you what you want.

goodluck!

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I wonder why your wife is being so selfish. But i think you should still try and talk things through with her.

Also i believe there are some steps that can be taken towards improving the sperm count?

Why don't youtalk to a health practitioner and try them out?

Goodluck!

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hope you did not use the hospital your wife is recomending try another hospital alone for your sparm text cos at times some women could be very funny o they might be the problem whole dey deceive you to thier own hospital for fake check up be wise and as for devorcing your wife u have to realy think about it cos it is not always the best solution,

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Even if you divorce, you might not be able to impregnate another woman. U got low sperm count. I can feel ur urge to haveyour own kids but Oga u gotta work on urself.

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Well Aisha, I need serious advice from this forum and i want you to give it straight. I am divorcing her anyway because she is just selfish.

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Try IVF, if she does not want to adopt then,go for assisted conception.

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but the wife won't give a reason for refusing to adopt. tough situation.

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I will not advocate for divorce but if you feel really strongly about having a child and your wife remains adamant, find out why she has taken such a hard stad and try to work around it. Its really a tricky situation, best wishes

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@poster

let me get this straight: are you saying that your wife WANTS another kid but only if its one of her own? or she just doesnt want any children any longer?

i guess you guys are not spring chicken anymore and raising children late in life isnt easy but the important point IS: if she didnt want (didnt have the time) to raise her own daughter, what makes you think she will want to do it all over again with an adopted kid?!

unless your wife fully and openly accept to adopt, there is no point doing it otherwise (unless you divorce her).

having a child that will be unwanted by the mother is just wrong and we can already imagine what will happen when you are NOT around.

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I have tried some drugs and local herbs.

My wife could not give any reason for her refusal. What do i do?

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have you tried fertility drugs?

what's her reason for refusing to adopt?

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Thanks Aisha for your advice. I've done all you suggested and my wife remains adamant. She has her own child, yet she doesn't want me to have any. I am thinking of divorcing her. What do you suggest?

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You need your spouses consent before you will be allowed to adopt, both of you will be interviewed social welfare and Judge have to be satisfied that you will provide the best environement for your child.

Talk to her, explain how you feel and how much you want a child, if this fails you can get people she respects to talk to her. Good luck

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You need your spouses consent before you will be allowed to adopt, both of you will be interviewed social welfare and Judge have to be satisfied that you will provide the best environement for your child.

Talk to her, explain how you feel and how much you want a child, if this fails you can get people she respects to talk to her. Good luck

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