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If Your Spouse Dies First?

I have recently been taking interest in the plight of widows. I had just finished watching a documentary on the subject and it make me cry.

We all want enduring love and fruitful homes. But then, come a time in our life when the man we love so dearly had to "go home". It is a natural expectation but we all wishes it come at old age. Meanwhile dead keep no appointment. It strikes when one least expect it. To those presently in rosy relationship, our enjoyment do not often allow us to meditate on inevitable occurrences. We can't die together except in case disaster. Somebody has to go first! Love can't solve this.

Unfortunately, we lives in a strange society where compassion is reserved for the rich and mighty.

For the unmarried youths and newly wed, it is time to examine this issues:

what next, if your partner dies before you? What action are you taking to insure yourself this social malady? What should we do individually and collectively to confine this ugly practice into history?

Let share, men and women.

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33 answers

They'll have to swim seven oceans and seven seas to get to God's own country.

And if they do make it,it would be a tussle between the sherrifs and and their German shepherds.

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To answer your question on "So what about when the wife dies first? Men certainly don't find it pleasant to lose their wives. What is the scenerio like?", i'd say: read almondjoy's post above surrounding this.

Now, on the emotional cost question, of course you have said it all by saying that the emotional cost  is nothing compared to other costs. Absolutely true!! Being separated from a loved one by death is traumatic. A nightmare it is and better not imagined i promise you, however, if you prefer to exercise your mind and thoughts, then you can begin to imagine what its like to live in hell for only 60 seconds,

Bottom line, its not a palatable experience but with time, it gets better. It is very true that healing comes with time. I can say that i am not where i used to be emotionally, its been 68 months and i get better by the day, i can talk about it nowadays without shedding a tear, i used to find it really hard to talk about him to my 6-year old daughter who was only 10 months old when it happened, but now, we talk about him, see pictures of him, pray for him and answer any questions she asks without any emotional outbursts. I can say that i have moved on in other aspects on my life but would admit that i have been a lill slow relationship wise. Almondjoy did some justice in her previous post and i do agree it is somewhat not easy for women to move on after losing a loved one.

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so what's gonno happen when eventually the grey hairs come?

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So what about when the wife die first? Men certainly don't find it pleasant to lose their wives. What is the scenerio like?

dablessed,

thanks for sharing that part. Could you educate us on the emotional cost? So far, we have concentrated on the wealth. But l suspect that side is nothing compare to other losts. What do we have to say of losing a partner you love so much at early age with children? How do we find the experience and what do you suggest?

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Thanks for your kind words ladies!

Thankfully, i did not experience any kind of maltreament from my in-laws. Perhaps, because they are quite enlightened and possibly because i had a cordial relationship with them while my hubby was here. I dont think i would have been able to cope well if they had chosen the wicked path, it honestly would have been double trauma, if you know what i mean.

I am glad eveyone has learnt one or two things my my scenario.

Lets keep sharing and praying for one another. It is well,

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@topic

It really is pathetic whatever happens to women when their husbands die.

I only know of one lady who stood at the door of her house with a machete and

dared any of her husbands relative to touch even a pin in her house an luckily she

got away with it.  But the majority of women really suffer from jealous village relatives

who have always eyed whatever you have without lifting a finger to get their own, always

praying for the day their brother will die so that they can get everything.  

The craziest thing is that they'll come for those things whether your husband bought

them or you from your clothes shop or job.There should be a lawagainst it!.

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Dablessed i thought i had goose bumps on this topic, but your story, oh God! is so touching, God is your strength woman.

I understand what iice & spoilt are trying to say, It is naturally believed that that the wealth of the family belongs mainly to the husband here in Africa, so If the woman dies, i've not seen any case of wife's people going after the property & sending the guy packing. The reverse is usually the case. Forgetting that there are women who actually earn more money than their husbands, but have decided to make this lay low within the family & make it not obvious to those outside e.g driving the less expensive car & making the husband drive the more expensive one. Many ladies are in this position. It can only be known to the public if the Status of the woman is so high & can't be overlooked.(although i admit that not all women are that good)

Now if such woman dies her wealth all goes to the husband & no family comes sneaking. Is it now that if we've realized we are successful, probably more than our husbands, we should keep mute about some investment put to the name of only our children? i think its really unfair to the women because not all women have the heart of holding that kind of secret.

Its really pathetic the way u see things change in families when, especially the husband dies. My best friend in Primary school just just in j.s.1 when her father died, & by the time i came home for holidays myself, i was told that, they've all moved to their village. That the father's family came to take all they had & asked them to go to the village. I guess that was the first time i was seeing life! We wrote letters to each other until after Sec. school & lost contact. All that time i was young but it pained me so hard, i wish i were older. This is someone i know the life she lived before reduced to a village girl.

I think is fair for the guys, but more painful for women if the husband dies.

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spoilt exactly! atleast from what i remember.

Dablessed, sorry oh. . .and enlightening - hope some women learn from your experience.

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You cannot force a man to write a Will or he will raise the roof claiming you are trying to kill him.A well written and registered Will solves a lot of problems and I can assure you that the courts do recognise its contents.

Women ,empower your selves financially-If your breadwinner dies it can reduce your standard of living drastically.

Now in a situation where the wife dies first-I also suggest you leave instructions-A Will as well.Let one or 2 people(key people oh!!) know about this.This is so important if children are involved-you may not want your children to stay with your husband(as he will definitely remarry-especially if he is under 55)or you prefer that your children go to a particular family member whom you believe will be best situated to look after them.

Both male and female think carefully about whom you put down as next of kin. Know that when you put someone other than your spouse ,you have left the decision concerning the disbursement of that asset in that person's hands.

Finally I would advise everyone that when you buy land,purchase shares or even cars,that you buy it in the name of a company(set one up) or a trust.This way the directors or shareholders can be people you care about(your children or spouse).The advantage of buying assets,shares and even using a company account is that a company does not pay death duties.A company bank account may have more than one signature mandate,so your financial need will not be stalled whilst death matters are being addressed .

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This is a challenge to sisters out there,

Get your butts up and lay your hands

on something.

Death does not give a warning, try to be INDEPENDENT.

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Nwando,

Thanks for your contribution on the insurance. Maybe we would get to that stage where insurance can cover every aspect of our life. We would get there. But that bttuck insurance sound crazy. Of what use?

It is true, some men are secretive to their wives and this stem from lack of trust. This observation is enough to let everyone know that sometimes, what we call love is nothing but exageratted affection. Most couples sustain their relationship not for love but for the sake of their children. In such instances, they are bound to be secretive. It is good for us to be observant right from the courtship. Sadly, many are blinded by love to see the trap before them.

Jkpretty,

some people get it right but we lives in a world where the wrong outweight the right.

Uchetobi

A widow at 28? that is a sad news indeed. Yet it happens. Maybe we all need a new orientation. Men and women.

Shinatu,

you are right, but it is not just about in-laws grabing the "family cakes" after their bread winner departs this sinful world. It is more complicated if the departed soul is the only bread winner in the family.

In that instance, the wife must refuse to play a house wife no matter the million allowance. It is a critical situation. Even if the family does not come for the wealth, she would find herself in a humanitarian situation where she had to assume full responsibility of the family on both sides. And if she did not have managerial ability to manage the resource, as in case of my neighbour, then, it is all the same.

On when a wealthy woman, dies first, it is rare for responsible men to neglect their children even if they re-marry. Often the tell-tale signs are there to guide women. Beside, women must always write their will in favour of the children if they suspect their husband is irresponsible and if he is polygamous husband. I think a careful observation during courtship would make one decide on the steps to take.

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What an interesting thread! How i wish my dad read this before he died! Let us all learn one or two things here to avoid what people like us faced in life in the hands of our baba's brohter and sister despite our father's wealth. It can only be imagined. Its good to plan for unforseen circumstances because things we did not plan for may sure happen.

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Nice to know it has blessed you!!

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@dablessed

Thank you for making your personal experience available for other people to learn from.

I am sure it has made this issue more real to people.

Your suggestion about knowing your to inlaws well before marriage is very critical.

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A very interesting and educatiing thread this is.

Death is inevitable.It is most certain that a partner will either die first or worse case scenario, both of them at the same time. No one enters a union with the hope of losing their spouse. However, it is something we should prepare for either consciously or otherwise. This preparation starts from the courtship period. What sort of man or woman are you dating right now? Chances are that the person you date or court, you will eventually get married to (unless you wanna opt in for "an imported wife/husband" when you only date or court after the wedding)

Court wisely and make a good choice. Know the family you are entering into very well before you tie the knot.

Plan! Plan! Plan!, Its all about planning, This is what you should be doing, especially during courtship and not engaging in premarital sex that does nothing but blindfold you. Discuss this topic together as a couple and never shy away from the truth, How are you going to handle it should the inevitable come calling now? What would be the way forward when it happens? These are important issues to talk about.

Your spouse should be your next of kin under normal circumstances and if for one reason or the other, someone else is filling that gap, what are the implications at death? Talk about it,

Every woman should have a source of income, apart from the husband, being the main/partial source. In the same vein, every husband must not utterly depend on his wife financially. ( Although this is not very common where i come from ). Abi?

There are various insurance policies one can take advantage of and you may both need to seek professional counselling to opt in for the best package to meet your family and income level, age, etc

Understand your in-laws very well, do your best to be at peace with them as much as you can, love them dearly and put them into consideration when planning with your spouse.

If there are children in the union, what plans are you embarking on today to ensure they are not impaired in any respect, should the 'D' word knocks on your door? There are various long term investment packages parents sign up for the children to fall back on after they are gone, are you looking into this? Talk about it now, How about taking a trust? Speak to a solicitor,

Losing a spouse is enough trauma for anyone. However, lack of planning could aggravate such trauma. Some pple have actually lost their mind, esteem, dignity, charisma, everything u can imagine after losing a spouse.

When i got married at the age of 23, we never talked about this sort of topic at all, like most pple. Afterall, it is meant to be an everlasting union, why discuss death anyway? But then, 3 years down the line, he died!!! Yes, the inevitable, never discussed topic, unpalatable word is now here! I was only 26.

Although, i would not say we consciously planned, perhaps in our subconciousness, we both did. I was not utterly dependent on him as i was working, had a good relationship with his siblings such that there was no issue whatsoever afterwards. Its been five years and i can say that i have not been rendered completely handicapped as a result of losing him. I will most definitely remarry but how lovely would it be if we both talked about this while he was here?

The bottom line really is: "TALK ABOUT IT and plan now" and if it means seeking professional advise them do so!!

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Either way we need to start training our Daughters and younger sisters that it is ok to be strong and independent. Our culure has a way of training women to be docile and silly, they call it being submissive. Girls are not trained to think, they are trained to believe that some man will come and take away all their problems, when I read all these Cinderella stories i get mad, and we read that to our little children and they will grow up thinking that one prince charming is there to take away all their sorrows.

God made everyone with the same number of hands and legs so i fail to understand why a woman will not work.

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With that situation, the answer is studying your spouse enough before u get married. But only a silly man will use all his late wife's investment on another wife & kid. When things such as death & re-marriage occurs to a man, its takes a woman with a complete good heart, to give the former children the best as if it were hers, but this is so rare.

This is a situation in which we shouldn't pray 4, its really sickening to think about all issues raised here. I'm having goose bumps already. Lets pray to die old & as well our spouses, that way we won't be scared of anything but happy to move on or is it let go?

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My contribution was based on the fact that am a lady, anyways lets flip the coin, if the lady dies then the man will remarry – 99% of them do

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Not all in-laws are after the man's money,my Grandfather and my Uncle actually managed my father's estate and I was able to graduate from the University, though I was in form 1 when he died.

They made sure the money was spent on education and education alone because that is one thing that is valued in that family,to be frank I do not think my mum would have been able to do that, she made a lot of blunders (innocently)with her own savings that I am glad she did not have access to my late Dad's.

But if your inlaws are the type that, even when your partner is still around have values that are contrary to yours, your partner is about the only source of provision for them, they bombard your home with one request or the other everyday and are never satisfied, then you must do something fast, because they are going to tear you apart if he dies.

Most of our contributions have been on the basis that the man dies, what if it is the woman and she has been more wealthy than the man, what does she do? Make the man her next of kin and leave all her savings to the man, only for him to marry again(which he has the right to) and start to spend the woman's money on the new wife and children since the new wife will be around to make sure that her children's interests are taken care of?

What do you think?

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death is nothing we have control over, its so sad to see your partner die, my cousin lost her husband last week, she is 28, has a 2 yr old son and a three month old daughter, its bn a heart wrenching experience. Anyways its gd to have a will, regardless of your age, it makes things easier in the case of unexpected death and secures the future of your children, and women too, don’t be dependent on any man, have a life and an identity of ur own

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I still believe in one thing which is that every woman no matter how educated you are,you should still have another means of livelihood which mean a small business for yourself and again,i don't really like the idea of married men having a lot of landed properties,it ends up putting the wife at risk after the demise of the husband.There are a lot of assets you can invest in which is strictly gonna be between you and your immediate family i.e shares,stocks and some investments so that if the unexpected happens God forbid,no extended family is gonna come over and start disturbing your wife and the kids.

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this is just about somethings i was making my brother understand yesterday. i simply told him i can't sit down @home & not work, if my husband asks me to. I don't see my self as someone dat will sit down doing nothing, changing diapers, cooking & waiting for my husband to come back from work. I told him i'm sorry i can't afford to live a stereotyped life.

He gave me an instance of his boss who's wife is a medical doctor, but now at home. I told him i would be darmd crazy to have such qualification & be at home. We argued over this for hours, it ended like "okay o if ur husband ask u to stay at home with the kids don't stay, run after career" i told him, i'll ensure i fix myself up wit some other thing dat'll at least still save my family, if my job gets so tasking.

Women wake up, Its starts from when u guys are dating, when u are being over pampered by ur spouse it leads to some unnecessary weakness, & u put all the glory on him, he has showered u with so much dat u feel, u need less struggle. I think this problem starts from u guys, don't over pamper your spouses, like she's one idol or some decoration to be worshipped daily. Talk to her sometimes like u are talking with ur fellow guy. Make her able to come up with something. If u have a company show her how its run. If u don't bring out that aspect of her, that thing u see she's good at. I'm sure u got to know her best color without her telling u, so i see no reason why u can't see where she belongs.

I've see women that their husband seemed to tie down at home, but developed some other natural interest. Like adding chemicals for liquid soap, creating an extra room for sewing (i intend learning how to sew myself) or making hats.

I saw a role model in my mum, there are times in the family, even when the spouse dosn't even die. There are times the family is shaken so hard. If the woman is not strong, u can imagine what will happen.

Be careful guys cos this mistakes comes from u too.

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Spoilt,

I don't know why they assumed. But I do know that, no matter your qualification, if you don't practice what you know, you would sooner forget them.

When a woman spend 10 years sleeping, waking up, shopping, and watching movie, you definitely can't expect her to know much than that. She must have programmed her subconscious to "spend, spend, and spend" leaving major decision to her Almighty husband. That is a disadvantage to her, should the husband travel to the land of no return.

As for the greedy family members, I go with Aisha's suggestion. A woman should know her in-laws in advance so as to prepare for their antics. If she has greedy in-laws, then she must begin to plan all the way to the end. But if her in-laws are good people, she may relax, but she must never sleep without insurance. Like alimondjoy had said, "BE PREPARED"

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why would any able bodied woman want to depend on a man? that has proven to be dangerous oh.

what i actually meant in my post is that when a man dies and its time to distribute his assets his relatives surface and no matter how educated and a good manager wifey is, they feel they can manage the money better all in a bid to enrich themselves.

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nwaodo,

Unfortunately, insurance is in mess here. To be frank, most of the insurance firms here are fraud firms. They don't want to pay claim. They are just interested in profit. People's reluctance to take life insurance were borne out of their experience with vehicle insurance. If it is very hard for you to anything on your stolen vehicle, how many people would go for life assurance? It is only recently that Insurance Firms start make concerted effort to discharge their duty. They have been acting more like collection centre over the years. I wishes, hopes, and prays that the ongoing reform at the sector is successful. ( oh lest I forget, it was reported as a fraud! The govt is still probing them. See?)

Another observation is that, the average Nigerian spends his money on food, shelter and clothing. They would rather pay their money into pension fund, and spend the rest on sausages and Gala than patronize insurance firms!

I cries for these folks. I have promised myself that I'd rather die a bachelor than marrying a silly wife who would refuse to discuss her future. It is better for her to be richer than I am than for her to a borrowed life. Guys must learn to be unselfish and let love be all encompassing.

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Spoilt,

it is not just about leaving provision for the family. There are two sides to this issue. Failing to plan and planning to fail. Failing to plan is self explanatory. Planning to fail is a situation where the partners made ineffective/incomplete  plans that could not compete with the reality.

The man may leave billions in Bank Account. Of what use are those billions if the wife has no skill that can be used to manage the wealth? Of what use are those billions if the children he left behind are untrained in the art of managing finance?

This thread should be a clarion call to our generation to rise up take steps toward eradicating this social malady.

I wish, and sincerely pray that Dead people are allowed to see what is happening to their family from their graveyards. I wishes and prays fervently that they could feel the agony of their widows so that they could offer curses or prayers to those who are perpetrating injustice against their beloved.

Iice,

what next? From courtship to marriage, we must plan for the end. I agreed with Alimondjoy, on that quote. If we live as if today is our last day, we would be in position to do something no matter how little. Inch by inch, they say, make cinch. But will many young men and women poisoned by love ever stop to ponder on this?

A man I used to know lived as if he was immortal. He forced his wives to stop working and pay them daily allowance. He sent his children to expensive boarding schools without giving them basic knowledge about life. And he wrote his Will.

But a strange illness afflicted him and he ended up emptying his bank account treating himself. In the end, he kicked the bucket.

When the Will was read, it was discovered that "his children" were the beneficiaries!

The family  couldn't manage the businesses he left behind. And soon, it crumbled! They are back to square one.

Would this have happened if he had allowed his wives worked?

Couple must recognize that it is in their interest to plan ahead.

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what a great topic.

Sadly we come from a culture where the word "death" just like "sex" is a taboo.

It is not mentioned as though that makes it keep away.

Almond I agree wholeheartedly with your advice on life insurance.

Any married man or woman (especially with kids)without adequate life insurance coverage on themselves is unwise.

Some financial people say as much as 20 times your annual salary is adequate but my darling Suze Orman says 8 times.

Even if we don't want that much,something is better than nothing

Term life insurance in America is very affordable.

The one from your job is hardly enough,most don't exceed $50,000

Pick up a phone,call AAA or any of the A+ rated companies,they'll come to your house take a urine and blood sample,weigh you and take your BP and an healthy young person below 35 ,non smoker can get a 30 year $500,000 term life insurance for as little as $45 a month.

Death is inevitable at some point,we should not make our loved ones cry for our loss and also cry for not being able to eat or go to school.

I don't know how insurance works in Nigeria but I suppose it's the same way.

We live in modern times and cannot afford to be ignorant any longer.

Your spouse and kids should be able to pay off the house,pay for college,live a decent life  and also bury you with dignity.

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I have used the following quote in another thread but I think it can also be applied here: In any relationship where two people become one the end result is two half people.

To help deal with such a situation as the topic of this thread suggests the independence and individuality of each partner should not be compromised! Financial and legal provision should be made to help the surviving partner (and family) but this can only go so far. A life stirred by higher (i.e spiritual) aims will provide the best bulwark if a spouse dies or will strip the fear away from this unalterable fact of life.

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Its such a destructive and shattering experience to behold especially for young men who are still in thier prime (30-45)  

Basically i need to stress the category of men am discussing

Here to a large Men who truely love and value family and relationships.

I use to read in awe when i read articles about widows with thier grief and agony including thier finanancials and all sorts ,what abouta widower? How does he handle it especially if he had childred by the deceased ? My emphasis here is not on findingA suitable woman to marry but the Fate of the children. The new wife in most cases find it dificult in relating with the children and in most cases want to have her own set of children immidiately. And more worisome sometimes cultivate envy and rivalry.

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Its such a destructive and shattering experience to behold especially for young men who are still in thier prime (30-45)

Basically i need to stress the category of men am discussing

Here to a large Men who truely love and value family and relationships.

I use to read in awe when i read articles about widows with thier grief and agony including thier finanancials and all sorts ,what abouta widower? How does he handle it especially if he had childred by the deceased ? My emphasis here is not on findingA suitable woman to marry but the Fate of the children. The new wife in most cases find it dificult in relating with the children and in most cases want to have her own set of children immidiately. And more worisome sometimes cultivate envy and rivalry.

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And what a better time to do that than now? Education is the best way out and we have got to start from here. Many career women are reluctant to marry a poor man for fear that if he dies before her, some greedy family members and an illegitimate wife would spring from God know where to snatch the fruit of her labour from her.

Will is a good idea but with what happened to Abiola family and Raji Rasaki family, I can say that Will itself have been contributing to the problem. Now, I like that part where women have to work too. It is effective and ensure she has something for herself in the event inevitable happen.

Both men and women has a role to play.

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Men need to take steps to protect their families. Unfortunately in Nigeria we never want to accept our mortality. A simple will should do. Most Men make their Brothers their next of kin when you have a wife and kids, Noboby prays for death soon but it happens , protect your family and loved ones. I was helping My office Driver fill some share forms and he asked me to write his brother as his next of kin, i gave him a talk on the need to make his wife or son his next of kin, after explaining it properly to him, he has gone to withdraw and re- fill some forms and documents where he had earlier on written his brother as next of kin.

Your Brother or relatives have their own families, train your wife well to accept the responsibilty of leadership when you are gone, it is extremely important.

Women to should be smart, they should have some indepence, even if iy a small bussiness, am not comfortable with the dutifull housewife idealogy. As a woman you should know your husbands business and assets, you should also know your In-Laws, if you have In- laws who will come and try to sieze everything then you should be smart when eventualities happen, dont play the over grieving widow, dont let them bully you into submission, there are organisations that take cases of Widows, e.g. Legal Aid at little or no cost but if your in laws spend everthing on the burial there is little they can do.

It is really a big problem but with a little less carelessnes from our men and a little more smartness from women, this unGodly practice can bne reduced.

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