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Is Divorce The Answer?

When the center can no longer hold, when love and patience seem to have whittled completely out, when even the kids watch with utmost horror the yelling and hate going on in the house, when you've sought all manner of counseling and no change happens, when the differences appear irreconcilable, would divorce be your last option? Is there anything good at all about divorce?

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i am canadian women married to nigerian man. it has been just about one year and we are not living together in canada

due to restrictions on his end. i would like to divorce him and move on. he seems to want to refuse filling in the papers

for permanent residence or has something to hide.

i am thinking of sending his photo to immigrant office in canada and nigerian embassy on victoria island. along with alert

of his false claims.

or , should i just move on and totally forget about the marriage in hand and let him worry about it all on his end. are they

binding after one year , or even binding in canada.

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no one pray for that, but believe me marriage transcends beyond thoughts

@ Fhemmmy

Yes, in a situation like that. But one can try separation first. There's nothing good about divorce but there's also nothing good in a home filled with hatred.

You cant just say it better than this-well analyzed

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as i think so it is.

i won't think of getting married aft marriage

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Divorce is never an answer.it is strictly forbidden (see Genesis 2:24 and Matthew 19:4)

Marriage is sacred and important to God who created it.It must not be broken,no matter the circumstance because it is an everlasting bond and a blood covenant between the man and his wife.

Marriage is fragile and can break at any time if not carefully handled by the partners.it is not to be treated with levity.it takes two to build a successful marriage and just one person to destroy it.

God instituted marriage but that is not a guarantee that it will be from troubles and challenges.Problems will surely arise to test your faith in that marriage.But you have the assurance that God will still the storms if you are his child and a heaven focussed xtian.

The devil does not want marriages to succeed and he uses marriages as a spring board to destroy men.if the devil wants to get you,he will first attack your marriage to use it to pull you down.this is why you should be prayerful and conduct your marriage in line with the word of God:the man to love his wife and the wife to submit to the husband.Men, listen. if u cannnot love your wife as a first duty,dont expect any submission.it wont work.

If your marriage is troubled, go to God the creator in prayer if you are a sincere xtian and believe that God can solve every impossibility.

what is the foundation of your marriage?if it was built on pre-marital sex or accidental pregnancies,there will be trouble and loads of it and you have to confess to God and ask for His mercy to forgive you and to heal your marriage.

If you divorce your wife or husband,it can determine your eternity and send one to Hell.

Divorce is painful and the price is too heavy to bear.

If you seperate either in the name of divorce or whatever name you give to it, the Bible expects that each partner should remain alone for as long as the other is alive or to be reconciled to the partner.(see 1 Corinth 7:11)

Only death can bring a marriage to an end.

So if you seperate,get ready to condemn yourself to a life of celibacy.

if you truly love your partner as God loves you and gave His life for you,you will forgive yourselves and give the marriage another chance to forge ahead.

Dont ever think of seperating from or divorcing your partner.Solve whatever is the problem between yourselves.

That is my contribution.

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i know it hurts, but am not married to get divorced tomorrow

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@beingme: Everybody hurts in a divorce, no one is exempt, though some spouses may claim hard, they hurt too.

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@ furiban

especially the female) plays the victim and gets public sympathy, reinforcement that the fundamentals are right but with time that sympathy wanes and give way to loneliness,frustration, bitterness and sense of betryal.

so its only women that play victims?

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In the face of the inevitable, best couples go their ways. So yes, surely DIVORCE can be the best option out.

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You never can tell my dear, nobody plans for it. People may surprise you with rude changes.

Pray and see that it doesn't happen.

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Yes indeed, God help us all,

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even in severe cases of domestic violence and abuse?

so as long as the woman [i]patiently [/i]receives the abuses and violence with the hope and [i]patience [/i]that the man will one day stop its still workable?

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That is what i am trying to make people understand, but some will say "what God has join together, let no man put asunder" and i will likewise say "what God never joined together, let the court put asunder"

Better for a man and woman to go their separate ways, instead of teaching their kids that fighting is OK and all that nonsense

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What is the question my brother??

I wonder why people are still getting 'married'

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@post/poster

staying married no b by force oh

e no work e no work

i go kill mysef? lai lai

me like MRbrownJAY's reply/post

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There is nothing wrong with Divorce if it will bring peace, progress, contentment and a hopeful new shot at happiness but the couple have to understand what they are doing and exhausted all options to make things work otherwise you will be moving from one divorce to the other and this society stigmatises such. Every relationship involves hard work to sustain.

Marriage is a night market, a lot of things are not known to you b4 the contract no matter how well you try to share information about each other, it is when you start living together, face trials and triumphs that the true test of characters will emerge. Often times ambitions and aspirations dn't match and a whole lot of unplanned and unforeseen circumstances can drive 2 close people apart. If your marriage is worth saving, you will know and if it is not especially if you think you may die in unhappiness/unfulfillment or you are victim of battery don't let anyone deceive you, take to your heels,

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@Mine White: in what instances would u recommend divorce?

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Divorce may be the best solution when the situation is hopeless. Some people are not meant to be together.

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its not really easily to handle though it might look like its the answer or the best, but its not. after divorce when days runs by and u see people sharing love how will u feel? BETRAYED

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I just believe that everything is workable with patience.

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I Concur!

Lots to think about and consider. Personally, my suggestion for YOU would be to step back and give yourself some time to think. What do YOU really want? What would it be like if you could get your marriage back on track again? Set some time aside for the two of YOU to get to the bottom of what is really going on. It is important that YOU TWO try to focus not just on the words being said, but what may possibly be implied as well.

Communication is the key to a succesful marriage. Good luck!

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if u've tried ur best & it ain't working, then leave.

Divorce can be d answer at tyms.

wat would u advice a woman that's being abused?

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i am sorry to hear what you just posted but you have to be realistic about the issue.

can YOU stay with someone you dont love for the rest of your life?! i guess not, then why would you expect your parents to do so?

yes, having both parents will always be better IF THEY ARE IN A LOVING RELATIONSHIP. if they hate each other and use the children to get back/hurt one another then its worst and better to be separated.

- seeing your parents fight day in and day out, is bad/wrong for any children involved.

- seeing your parent abuse each other, is bad/wrong for all children involved.

- never seeing love or affection in the household, is wrong for all children involved.

- being used as a blackmail tool is bad/wrong for all children involved.

- living in a household where there is no respect for one another is bad/wrong for all children involved.

i will never try to take away the pain that a divorce brings to anyone involved BUT it is nothing compare to the traumatic experience that a child would otherwise go through if they stay together.

you also have to remember that people dont decide to divorce just like that. there is sometimes years of marital conflict which mean this children are not in the right environment during the most important part of their lives.

here is something to consider(taken from an essay)

Another important step toward reducing the negative effects of divorce on children involves the de-stigmatization of divorce. Given our cultural emphasis on the sanctimony of marriage and our cultural disapproval of divorce, many children suffer psychologically because they perceive that their family experiences are dysfunctional. Societal mores and cultural beliefs strongly devalue divorced families. Such families (in their many forms) are judged to be inferior to the traditional nuclear family headed by a male breadwinner and female mother and homemaker who live together from marriage until death, and who produce and rear children in an intact family environment.

David H. Demo

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A lawyer friend told me the case of her client  a man who had suffered persistent abuse from his adulterous wife for almost twenty years. To top it all the wife went away with his children and sued him for divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences intending to bring him crawling on his knees in the belief that the man was [b]too Christian [/b]to agree to a divorce and would rather plead. The man employed a lawyer to MAKE SURE that the divorce didn't fail and to sue the woman for all that anyone could be sued for. The ex-wife is still shocked after 5 years of the divorce. Of course the children suffered emotionally but now respect their dad more than when he made himself a wimp. Never take your partner for granted.

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When my parents got a divorce, it was like hell. We suffered emotional pains and any other form pain could assume. You can't get d best of anything from a hurting single parent. Regret and pain bite on after divorce, only d companionship of good loved ones and family can attenuate d full weight of hurt one has to bear. I think patience and prayers can mend anything. I won't try divorce myself!

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Leahsarahf:

To say I love yr post/comment is an understatement. I tell you. Yr solution was because you acknowledged whatever be yr portion of the blame( am not saying you are solely responsible).

The solution to any problem is accepting your own wrong and making up yr mind to repent and change henceforth, life is all about accepting mistakes and error and departing from it. It cuts accross ethnic, culture and races.

I am happy for you that u got yr love back unto yr side. Life can be Heaven on earth and at the same time Hell on earth, due to yr decision.

God bless yr marriage. Nigerians are lovely pple.

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Couldn't agree more. They never heal. However I've met people who have advised their parents to divorce and actually couldnt wait to see them apart because being together hurt the children more.

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if it aint working, why bother?

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Well said my dear.

But then is your marriage meant to be worth more than you being alive and serving the God who instituted the marriage. Get a life ladies and live that life to reverence God and not pretend just because of societal misfeelings. You can only blame and hate after a divorce due to unforgiveness which is an express road to hell. Get a life i repeat and a joyfull one at that.

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@nikkykay . she is still thnking about it

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For your marriage to work, its GOD! HE instituted marriage and HE alone can help you through it if ur having problems.

I know a couple of people from broken homes and i can assure you that you can hardly be happy after divorce esp. after having children, both the parents and the kids suffer emotionally and spend d rest of their lives blaming and hating each other.

Secondly, dating/courtship is VERY different from marriage, no matter how long sometimes people are just hard to really understand.

Sincerely i want to ask u are u sure u r ur husband's only wife? how much of him do u know since u guys met online?

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at this point - divorce, its feels like its the end of the world to the parties involved. heartbreaking

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AM still single so i dont have the idea of how people who divorce or their children feel.I grew up with my parents who happened to be cat and mouse.Throughout my my childhood,there was no day my parents played 2gether.In the neighborhood ,we were subject of ridicule cos of their everyday fight.We the children are grown ups now and my parents are  seeing their grand children already.Presently,none of us is staying with them to know what they re doing.From what i learnt from them,their courtship was just 4mths and now their marriage is over 40yrs.

I learnt one thing from my mother,she is a prayerful woman.I can vouch for her that she has never gone toany strange place for solution but she has always been going to God for everything challenge.Whn her in laws were insisting that my father shld marry another woman,she had no other weapon but prayer.Whn my father insisted that she shld pack her things and leave ,she wuld run to church and pray and later she wuld come back home.Up till today,my mother is still the legal and only wife at home.

What is my point here, i dont like it whn i see pple that want to divorce.It is not the best,it is saddened,it is a dent/stain on ones life,it is not the solution to any problem one is going thru in marriage.I believe in the power of prayers.

As a woman,u r the fence around ur house.It is ur duty not to allow an intruder into ur home be it family or friends.

I know there are a lot of things partners dont discover abt each other during courtship which will be discovered later.

I always tell pple who care to listen that those things you see in ur partner in marriage were there be4 u got married but becos u were carried away,u didnt pay much attention to it.

Lets always look be4 we leap.

If anyone is going thru any battle  in marriage ,if u cant stay in the home or ur partner insists that u move out.Take heed,there is a strong force that is at work.A force that doesnt want ur marriage to work out.This is where u will realise that you  need prayers in ur marriage.

To have a successful marriage ,you have to be the right partner,be patience,loyal,be matured and you need to be  selflessness and finally,u need prayers.If you have all these and you are still going thru any hurdle,then leave the rest for God to handle.He alone is the only that can change the heart of ur partner cos He is the creator.He knows what he/she is made of.It is only you that can make ur marriage work as a right partner and God wil come in whn u  hv done ur own part and He sees that u cant go on again.

Please dont think divorce is the solution.You can separate for a while,go into serious prayers with God and you will see the outcome.God is the Creator and Author of marriage,HE hates divorce with perfect hatred.Challenge Him with ur prayers and i believe that surely He wont disappoint you.

Those u are single,watch and pray.Marry for love and not for lust.

Those who are married,be patience,matured,faithful and be prayerful

We shall all get there cos it is colourful and it is bright.

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I rather would love those in the same position as the OP reply to this. I'm in the same position as the OP. It's easy to cote Bible and scriptures about Divorce, I speak the truth, unless you are going through one or had gone through one then you have no idea what is the effect especially when you are a christain but have done EVEYTHING, even though some does not make  you happy but you still hang in there for the kids sake. Do you force love on your partner that doesn't want you talk less of even compromise on the differences ? What happened when prayer does not work? I guess the answer is Praise. What happend even praises doesn't cut it? What if you fast till thy kingdom come and yet your partner does want to compromise?

I Live in Canada, you can imagine how cold and lonely it can get here sometimes when you are separated from your spouse. when is enough is enough? No matter the circumtances you have to let the peace raign, if not for anything at least for the children involve. Man can only do as much as he could, It takes GOD to intervene in a very urgly situations.

Is devorce the answer, I say NO whatever you do, Think about God first, the children secound then your peace.

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You're right., it can never be said better than this. Thx.

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all those saying divorce is not the answer, yea we all sane people agree that no one genuinely marries with the intent to divorce later. however, there are situations in a marriage that warrants it. where its the only and last option and that is good for the woman, man and children.

and to those saying that its not good for the kids, yes, divorce is not good for anyone especially for the kids, but there are many cases

where its definitely better for the sanity of the children, if their parents were not together than being together and enduring the psychological and emotional torments every single day that manifest for many, into serious problems and damage later in life.

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Then again,if no kids are involve, I say run for cover, but when kids are involve, it hurts them. I still to this day wish my parents had work things out, it hurt ed me growing up with out my day in my house hold. I cried some nights. I have just been release from that hurt 2 years ago.

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@leahsarah, canada,

sincerely speaking most, infact with a capital letter MOST Nigerian overseas marry a white woman for papers, they endure all the "white trash " from the woman for a visa, right to stay etc, when they get it , silly excuses erupts, literallly erupts, he wouldnt tolerate u anymore etc.

im in th uk, i have a white girl, i never tot of marrying her but she is damn so lovely. i was a player, i verbally abused her a lot yet she tot it and sometime wud only say " this is not the right way to treat a woman" sincerely those words always gets me thinking, i always felt ashamed of mysef and i would go back to apologise. anyway , after much problems ( mostly from me) she still got me thinking abt marriage, she told her parents but they refused and she pleaded with them to accept me, i heard her on the phone to them crying,pleading, she said: " dad, i have made up my mind, i really want to be with him, i luv him, sobing, finally they accepted.

however, when i told my own parents abt her and our intentions, cud u believe wat my mum said she said :" better don't bring shame to this family" this is the 21 century, i made it clear to my parents that they either accept my choice of wife or they shd forget me. my dad is a traditional chief in Nigeria, finally he is coming arnd the idea.

so back to ur man, i think he is playing you. if he insist on u to his parents THEY would surely accept you.

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i was tourched by this topic i had to create an a/c really. the whole truth is that most igbo men can do anything for money or get papers.they dont care when they even hurt ladies and at the end live them behind with children and run back to naija to pick up a wife.

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Well Said!!! This is usually the main reason why some families look for new wives for their sons. Although i do not support this practice, but in most cases the parents are usually threatened by the fact the wife wants to divide the family. It is left to the wive to prove to the family that she is for the family to be united as one and not divided.

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@leahsarahk. . .sorry to hear about the situation you described and I hope things are worked-out but the decision to marry someone in Nigeria is ONLY and ENTIRELY up to your husband! It is simply BS for him to suggest that his mom (or anyone else) is wants and is 'FORCING' him to marry a Nigerian woman. . .except this is not a mum that loves his son and wants his happiness! I am a guy and I can tell you that a mother will be MOST interested in the happiness of his son first before any other frivolous considerations. . . and this includes getting a second wife. . .so if he is happy in his marriage with you and wants you. . .he should tell her (including his brothers and sisters) NOT to run down his life! Except, of course, he is weak-willed, a weakling of a man, or just unable to take a position on such an important issues and back it up with the action it deserves.

On the other hand, have you tried to get to know and be close to his family? Have you visited his mum and siblings before? Do they have access to their son when they want while in NO way does he reduce the attention you get as his wife? Families generally do not wish to 'lose' their children totally so the onus is on him and yourself to keep the family together while living and enjoying your lives as husband and wife.

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Its sad to read and hear of divorce cases. Thats why like someone said, those of us who are yet married should be very careful and prayerful too.

I know its easy for me to say, do not divorce, afterall, Im not married but thats the only advice I can give. The problem is that once people know there is a way out, people will hardly try to work it out.

@leahsarah,

I am so sorry bout your situation. Thank God you are a christian. The way out is to pray, love your husband and his family and leave the rest to God. I strongly suspect there is a deceit on your husband's part but I won't say more than that. It hurts to think about your situation but there is nothing God can't do. If He can break the stony heart of Pharaoh, He can turn your situation around.

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From experience, i will advice you that divorce is not the best way out. A lot of pple actually go into depression after a divorce!! Also i have learnt from experience that 99% of problems in marriages that lead to divorce are due to having 2 captains on a ship and the other 1% is due to domestic abuse. If you fall into the 1% section i will suggest you go for trial separation while you still support your spouse, if they are willing to go into counselling. If you are in the 99% section then one captain have to give way to other. And in most cases i will suggest the guy (which i am one) should give way to the woman. This does not mean you are weak or a fool but by doing this you are giving the woman enough rope to hang herself as she has not been designed to lead the ship. Even if she does not change, you are doing it for your kids and as your kids grow up they will start to resent her. A lot of people suggest that you should not stay there for your kids, but i have learnt that most people that say this have no kids. Cos if you love your kids and sincerely want the best for them you wont be able to stand the thought of another man or woman raising them. You had your chance to choose and you made a bad a choice but your kids did have a chance to choose, so don't spoil it for them. Take it all with a pinch of salt and all the love you are thinking you have to give to another person out there, give it to your kids, they deserve it.

My sister, the same advice also goes for you but i will add a little bit more for you as your case was kind of similar to mine but i was the guy. I have learnt that in all cultures, oyinbo or black, when a woman marries a man, she has married his family. Even if the guys parents are Mr and Mrs Devil, she needs to be able manage them and stroke their egos as they play a vital role in your relationship. A son will always listen to his parents (while most women will always listen to their husband). no matter how long it takes as his parents knows the right buttons to push to control him as they gave birth to him. Even though he takes your side and gets annoyed at his parents because of you, one day his parents will always play the joker!!! So for you, water just pour but calabash never break, you will have to start finding your way into the hearts of his family, starting from his siblings. So that even if the guy wakes up one day and says he wants to marry another woman, it will be his family that will beat him up for you.

I wish you all the best. Take am easy,

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Divorce is not always the answer. Infact it should be the last option not what u jump at when u face little challenges. Seperation may be a better option depending on the situation. What makes u think the other person will be any better.

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Divorce is not the answer so it is advised that when it comes to marriage u have to really look before u signed the dotted lines.

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