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Is Secrecy In Marriage Protective Or Destructive?

It is generally said that couples must tell each other everything about their past life.Is it then appriopriate for a spouse to keep the fact that he/she had before wedlock from his/her partner?If you were that spouse what would you do?

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It is very destructive

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yes it is

some are too gruesome and heartbreaking for u to say everything as it is

but at least say most of the basic stuff but leave out the gory details

e.g. you were a cultist and killed while in uni

simply say u were in the fraternity and were actively involved in the hooliganism, lives were lost during such fracas but at least u thank God all in all, u r still alive, then leave the rest to her imagination.

u dont have to say, "i was a cultist and i killed about 7 guys while in school, so i have blood on my hands" if u catch my drift.

thats why we have the power of speech and thought.

it all depends on the way you laya it on the table.

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[color=#770077][/color] You guyz have said it all, dont keep secrets dat wil crash ur marriage and trasparent, it will make ur relationship lasts longer.

If u are told or discover anything about ur spouse, it wont move u, because of d initial awareness of her(& his) past.

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This is called using the bible for our excuses.

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That is different, but detail about one's past is none of the presence's biz

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From the Bible (God's) perspective

"A fool says everything"

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I was with my bf for about 4 months before he told me he was 3 yrs older than the age he had told me originally. I WAS PISSED! because i felt that I had already fell in love with him as a 28 yr old, not a 31 yr old. That was awful and it made me not trust him for a while, In fact, I still doubt him sometimes and it has been 2 yrs now. Sometimes I go through his papers just to make sure everything is in tact. , so that right there should tell you all that not being upofront with your partner AS SOON AS POSSIBLE can become very very destructive.

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It is very very destructive. But some time is not because of the type of partner that you have.

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My answer is:

Why marry someone whom you cannot trust with your good, bad, and ugly past? Why marry someone whose love is not unconditional but conditional?

If two people love each other enough to get marry I believe you should have a no hold bars kind of revealation about your past.

Truth is always a sacrosanct; it will surely come out one day. Whether you withheld information or you lied outrightly; your secret will find you out one day and when it does, it will shatttered your trust base with your partner and your marriage will be destroy.

It is easier to sympathise/empathise/forgive and try to understand what you did or didn't do in the past than for me to discover one day that you have secrets that you have kept away from me.

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I think we making big of nothng.

Why would you wanna tell your wife that BTW, when i was 22 i used to suck Jenny's kitten, and one day you now walk into Jenny and tell your wife, honey, this is Jenny, and when you get home, your wife start acting up, cos she has finally met the woman u used to eat her kitten like chicken?

Common, u need to be wife with some information.

If it is something that will not affect your relationship, yes, but something that might send you to the dog house, keep your mouth zipped

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Disclosure is always the best policy, believe me, it saves u a lot of trouble (and lies) later,

it also builds  trust, therefore, y marry someone you cant trust with ur secrets (or past).

it also tells if he/she is someone who would love u regardless,

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There is a difference btw lies and withholding info

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@ Post,

No matter how fast lie can run, truth will catch up with it one day.

The antidote is to spill out every thing right from the out set, the good, the bad and the ugly.

This saves both party a whole lot of stress and heart aches.

Cheers.

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honesty and truthfulness is always the best policy.

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All sorts of replies on this thread,

i think the question is, If you are in a relationship or you are married, what will you do, if you find out that your partner has kept a certain story or information away from you for a long time, ? what will you do?

As for me, i believe, no matter what the story is, its best to let your partner know, the earlier the better, some stories might hurt at first, but one will appreciate the fact that i was told,

i believe everything must be said at one point in time, nothing stays hidden,

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@@@@@@

i think one have the right or might want to preserve ur own family matters where necessarily

i think

u might not want to tell ur wife about the feud goin on in ur family

u might not want to tell her about the whole family asset etc etc

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Its better to disclose all secrets before the marriage cause it can help to know if your partner really loves you not just for what he/she thinks you are. Also the proverb which says if a banana is eaten at the bottom of the sea, its peel will surely float to the surface applies here. Sooner or later the truth will come out one way or the other and your spouse may not like hearing it from another mouth.

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Its better to disclose all secrets before the marriage cause it can help to know if your partner really loves you not just for what he/she thinks you are. Also the proverb which says if a banana is eaten at the bottom of the sea, its peel will surely float to the surface applies here. Sooner or later the truth will come out one way or the other and your spouse may not like hearing it from another mouth.

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Secret is secret! There better be none, because no matter how perfect you think you are in keeping secret, it always have its way of showing up when you least expect it.

So, It is better to share your past with your partner to avoid any kinda scandal!

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not everything is to be share, not even with your partner.

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I think secrecy is destructive in marriage -- it is a lack of trust and respect. This is something the other partner is unaware of, which is not a good thing.

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@ Benedicta,

What if the prostitute comes across one of her past customers who just so happens to be her husband's friend?

Secrecy in marriage is destructive. I'd rather you tell me upfront so i know what i've got to deal with, than having to find out myself.

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I think 'material' secrets could be shared, not all the gory details of the other person 'regrettable' past.

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No secrets. Come clean to avoid wahala in future.

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i think it depends on the kinda secret

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It is hard, even foolhardy, to give an answer that will be applicable to all cases. In human affairs, there will always be exceptions and situations must be judged on a case-by-case basis.

Having said that, I will say it depends on what kind of information I am withholding and how forgiving I think my spouse is. Some people just don't have the gift of forgiveness. Some events are dead and need not be awakened others have subsided but some unfortunate circumstances may arouse them to catastrophic proportions so it may be wiser to provide a disclaimer ahead of time.

So my answer is:

It depends on:

1. The kind of information.

2. The perceived maturity of my spouse.

3. The number of people who knew the information.

4. The characteristic of people who knew the information.

5. If the information is a pattern of behavior or an isolated incident.

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Stop being ignorant.

I think people who let their spouses check their emails should stop that nonsense. People who send you mails will not know that you and your spouse share emails. What if someone sends a mail to you that implicates your spouse without any ill intentions. The person then automatically becomes your spouses' enemy.

Not everything needs to be exposed. Everyone has/should have secrets.

Secrets don't have to be bad. As long as it does not harm your spouse in any way, you are not compelled to reveal all.

The day you stop having secrets is the day you die.

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Why getting married in the first place if one knows he or she want to keep secret to his or her partner?

phones,email boxes,and wardropes should be accesible to your partner,unless your messing around town with another Coward lover who is not bold enough to ask for your hands in marriage before your wedded partner did.

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secrecy is desructive

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i dont believe in secrecy in Marriage, but i think couples are entitled to tell each other what they fill necessary to tell. In other words, u tell wat is significant and keep the irrelevant ones to urself. Otherwise u might end up breaking up ur marriage. TELL WHAT U MUST TELL AND KEEP WHAT U MUST KEEP BUT KEEP UR MARRIAGE SAFE

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@some secrets have the tendency of destroying all you ve laboured for, their potency sometimes may be proportionate to how long they have been kept from your spouse, so? you better tell him/her before allowing your past to destroy your today and tomorrow. The realisation that your cherished spouse could keep such things from you may undermine trust and faith, and it may affect future bonding in any relationship

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If you consider it a secret, then it is worth telling your spouse about!

If you do not tell your spouse, there's a possibility that your spouse will get to know somehow (its only a matter of time) and then your trust will be jeopardized! There should be no secrets in marriage.

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There should be nothing secret between two people who have decided to be ONE

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Being a prostitute or drug addict before is what should not be kept secret at all cos when it's revealed in the future, the harm might be irrepairable.

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tell ur partner everything he or she has to know so dat when others come to tell him/her about ur past he/she wont be surprised cos he/she is aware of it earlier on.

Dnt keep secret it destroy relationship even home

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Speaking straight, i don't think couples should have past secrets between. Having said that, i must add that some secrets should not be divulged in a hurry - like the ones benedictac's imaginative mind suggested - secrets so grievous that one is tempted not to reveal them at all. But as we all know, the past has a way of coming around and stabbing us in the back, so in the long round it is always better when our better-halves know about 'em before (pardon my french) poo hits the fan.

We all watch nollywod, right? Then i bet we're all familiar with that ever-recurring question: "But honey, WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME??"

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disclose the discloseables and with-hold the with-holdables.

try it, cuss it does wonders to a marriage

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Any woman telling me what she did in her past life has nothing to do with me and our union is yarning dust.

If one craxy ex shows up and 'arranges' you, is that when it will concern me? There are other such examples.

Lets live well so we wont need to have 'secrets'. Just my opinion.

And yes, everything should be disclosed. Even if its painful. So that healing can occur.

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There should be no secrets. Past or present.

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I think the period of courtship is enough to know all about your potential partner.

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When there is a transparent platform between couples, there's this trust that grows amoung the couples. It allows them to know there weak points and helps strengthen them.

Although matters partaining past life are essentially need to be shared to prevent present disaster and yet there are some past issues when discussed arrowses present disaster, such matters are better keept silent.

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there are some secrets that are destructive like having a child and not letting ur partner know b4 hand such can be destructive. but in a situation where u were once a prostitute, drug adict etc and u have sincerely changed ever before u met ur husband (as a lady) i will say such secrets could be protective.

It is just my opinion

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Its very destructive.It can only be a secret for so long so you might as well just say it.

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If it something serious.  .  .something potentially dangerous to the relationship.

Please disclose.  People think they can keep secrets forever.  .  .unless he/she is the only one who knows, it [i]may [/i]eventually come out

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I think everything be4 i met you has nothing to do with you, i can chose to tell you and i can chose to keep them to myself, as long as i am not keeping them to hide away some shady past, cos sometimes, the past do have its way to come into our present and future.

However, if they can all be shared, will be aiight too, but know what you are doing before doing it, cos sometimes, some people can use that past to destroy the future, so be wise and use wise judgement

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