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Living With A Dictatorial Father, How Do You Cope?

I am just a few years close to thirty years old and my father still wants to control my every movement! For instance, I went to a different church than his and he locked me out for hours! saying since I didn't want to worship in the same church as his then I should move out or get married! Recently, I got home about 9.15pm from visiting a family member and he ranted and raved at me.

I am so tempted to actually move out and be by myself but society frowns on ladies living on their own. What or how can I make him realise that I am a grown woman and can actually call his bluff!

Please help cos I am suffocating here,

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33 answers

@vescucci, can you explain further on the emboldened above, pls?

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@poster. I could have read the whole thread but I lost patience. Living alone is not a crime. You can do all the crazy stuff under your parents' nose so I see this as the ball being in your court. If you have to stay at home for reasons best known to you, then you have got to be very very busy. Failing that, you've gotta learn how to live in your head and lead an alternate virtual life. Trust me

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@poster. I could have read the whole thread but I lost patience. Living alone is not a crime. You can do all the crazy stuff under your parents' nose so I see this as the ball being in your court. If you have to stay at home for reasons best known to you, then you have got to be very very busy. Failing that, you've gotta learn how to live in your head and lead an alternate virtual life. Trust me

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"dictatorial and disciplinarians" cant be in the same sentence my dear. there are very two different categories. there is a HUGE difference between the two.

and being his father doesnt mean she shouldnt be allowed to breathe and be her person

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Fathers are mostly dictatorial and great disciplinarians.

I think you should get used to him afterall he's your father.

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Poster I say move out. Dont blame your father for treating you the way he does for the following reasons:

1. Its his house everything under his roof must just obey his laws you cant come with your own rules under somebody elses roof and claim that you are an adult. Adults live indepedently.

2. Sometimes our parents find it difficult to let go and accept the fact that we are all grown up, they will want to protect us at the most silly things. I guess its the only way they know how. Come to think of it they've been doing it all their lives since you came. Nobody told any parent that this job ends/stops at some point. Your father is not being spiteful or anything, he probably thinks he is doing the right thing trying to protect you and doing what a father is suppose to do.

From the lines in your post I get a sense that the only reason why you are still at home is because of societal expectations and standards. I cant blame your societal background in this instance because this would suggest that you havent heared of evolution yourself. C'mon girl you are living in twentieth century,

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Good for you! Was it as a result of working in a different state from where your parents or what? How old were you when you started living on your own? Are you married now?

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Thankfully i wasn't burned at the stake for living alone too early.

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Better move out and damn society.

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abegi jor, find me another reasonable excuse.

Mrs refugee, in my own Nigeria its very proper. simple question "what is improper about it.?" what has "expatriate" got to do with it? realist ke, idealist ni.

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At 30 most adults are considered mature enough to start a family.

It's not silly. At 30 a man is encouraged to live on his own, a woman isn't.

Do you guys even read previous posts? I said there are always exceptions.

Nobody says it's right to hit anybody irrespective of the age.

Every society has it's ideals, norms, values and customs.

If you're 30 and live with your folks abroad, you're considered odd which is not so here.

You probably have watched the film Failure To Launch.

Very few people will stigmatize a grown man living with his folks in Naija.

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why is 30 a fixed number? I guess a spinster/bachelor is damaged goods past 30.

it's silly to say people can't get an apartment of their own because they live in the same city with their parents. some people do like their independence.

what does westernization have to be with living alone? heck there are grown European men in countries like Italy and Spain that still live with their parents. Something is wrong if you are thirty years old and your parents still think they can hit you (as in the case of the threadstarter)

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BlueDiva please you are generalizing. What has expatriate got to do with anything. I have cousins in Nigeria that have lived on their own since their late twenties and nobody saw it as a big deal. I don't know why you people always want to blame the west for a everything. Many of us lived the same way in Nigeria so please enough of "here in Nigeria" or "those of us on the ground" as if none of us ever lived there. There is nothing that you are going to throw out there that most of us do not know unless it is something that just became in vogue. It is more of the circle of friends people associate with. Those who have lived by themselves will more likely be surrounded by other people with that level of thinking.

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@poster, i think i can relate with u, my mum used to be a lil over bearing maybe cos she lost her husband at 27 & was forced to raise two kids on her own, so sometimes i can understand where shes coming from trying to enforce a lot of her strict/dictatorial rules on me & my sister, but i do admit i was a rebel when i was much younger but wat i learnt is as long as u re under their roof u ve to abide by their rules, thats just it! my mum has chilled now, i guess age has a lot to do with that & also she realised that we arent babies anymore & i ve demonstrated my maturity in terms of taking care of certain things in the house(financially),

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Because potential suitors will think she is a LovePeddler and she left home because she wants more space to invite different men into her house for occasional sleepovers. Nigerians reason in mysterious ways so, BlueDiva knows what she is talking about.

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lol, the things one would read on nairaland. You guys are so bound by tradition that it seems fanatical.

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how is it improper? she is almost 30 not 21 or 17

and i think your last advice is very wrong. she shouldnt consider marriage as a way to get away from her father. marriage shouldnt be an escape route to ones problem. she has to find ways to deal with the problem before thinking of getting married.

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Worse is when those feelings fester and breed some really bad feelings.

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I think you should leave the house, obviously you're mature, you can cater for yourself, and you're having a personality clash with your father. It's better for you to politely leave and prolly try visiting on weekends, than to stay back and end up having a big quarrel with your father which could lead to a family rift. And I do feel your pain on the church issue, stopped attending the same church as my parents at 17, cos I was always falling asleep in church. Besta luck

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Tsiya's advice is very mature.

I think you have to conform as long as you're in their house.

Go to the same church with them. (Granted, faith is personal but you still live under them)

If you live in Naija, please come home latest 8pm. (Dad is just thinking of your safety)

However,

It's improper to be unmarried and living alone when you're in the same City as your folks.

I think your dad took it a little too far by not wanting you to get your own car.

What you need now is to think of settling down.

I know that may not be soley in your hands right now, it's one of the ways out.

Alternatively, ask for a transfer to another City/State from your office.

When you now live on your own, you can do anything you want, anything !!!

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If u can afford it, get out . . . .but if he is right, change and be good

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You need to move out. Don't get used to his bad behavior because as soon as you accept it then you will accept it eventually from a husband. Your dad is just being abusive and it's probably because he has always been like that and nobody called him out. don't expect him to change after all it is his house and your mother has put up with his behavior. Hell will freeze over before he lets his child tell him he is wrong and she is right

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but lol oooh,i stopped attending same church with my parents since i was 15,i just didnt feel comfy with their RCCG doctrines,i became a baptist,my parents frowned at it at first but they let me be.

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just find your own place and live your life. i see no reason for such treatment from your father, coming back by 9:15 isnt a coming back by 12am. you are no longer a teen or teenager that should be controlled and monitored and being close to 30, youre old enough to stop living with your parents and find your own place. and which society says a woman cant live on her own?

however, i do sort of understand the attending of  different church by the same members of a family in the house. so, your father might feel you disrespected his faith by attending different church while still under his control. in-short to end all this he say, she say, find your place or try to discuss issues with your father in a kind manner

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My mum is alive and well. But she does not have a say in the house. My father rules in ALL areas!

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Insulting their faith? But their faith has nothing to do with mine! Can't I have a choice of how to serve God?

I do have plans of moving out but is that not an act of rebellion in itself? Living life as a single lady? I do have a job. Been working for over three years! I pay my dues as well, I just wish we could come to terms and understand each other instead of having to lie and sneak around behind his back! I wanted to buy a car but they refused saying how will I ever get a man if I have a car.

Frankly, It's bcus I want to honour them that's why I did not move out a long time ago but at this stage of my life I guess that might be my only option! I certainly refuse to get married cos I need my space!

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All I said are hypothetical. You certainly know better. It is just sometimes when dealing with your parents you have to be patient. Everything they do or say is out of love. You just cannot come to term with it. Nigerian parents are dictatorial. That is just that. Untill the day you move out of their house, you have to learn to cope with silly rules.

I wish you well.

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Personally I believe going to different church with your parent might be one of the problems. It shows an act of rebellion and you are indirectly insulting their faith. If you leave with your parents and have no plans to move out in near future, then you should learn to appreciate what they like and do, even if you find it repulsive. I know it can be really hard for a girl of your age, especially you don't have a job that you can rely on and the Mr Right have refuse to come on time. However, you shouldn't allow that to ruin the blessings of parental love. Everything they do, comes from love. Quite frankly, 9:15 is late, especially if you don't have a car of your own. And whatever you do, I know at your age you feel you are adult, but adulthood is not about age, is about responsibility. And if you remain under their responsibility, then you should just learn to be patient and say sorry to them any time he start raving. The word "sorry" can do a lot of things.

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wow. . .

You just have to patient with him. Why even go to different church with your parents? Isn't that an insult to them?

If you dont get married and move out, you will have to leave by the rules.

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Maybe u should get married

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I think you should move out without telling them. Let the roof light on fire! You are not a child anymore.

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