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Pain Is Love?

Hi Niralanders. I seldom discuss my PERSONAL (DEEP) secrets with people whom I do not know however there is something that is bothering me. My neighbor is being abused and after having running to my apartment on several occasions for refuge shes once again taken the creep back and she is. . .avoiding me. She doesnt make eye contact with me anymore and I have actually seen her scurry to her car before I could see any new scars. I really want to help the poor lady.

It hits close to home. My mother has been in two physically abusive relationships as a young girl before seeking God she would often times use her cultural heritage to justify her misfortune. She, like many young girls from her country, would say "If a man doesn't hit/ discipline you, he doesn't love you!". I have been in one abusive relationship about two years ago which I will not get into details.

Often times physical abuse begins as emotional then gradually becoming physical. I have actually heard some men AND women say that some men are "justified" in hitting their female counterparts. I am certain there are women who are devious and provoke more than they need to however its never ok.

What are some of your views on abuse? Should I intervene or leave it to her and just pray?

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11 answers

You can be supportive but in most cases they will not leave until they are ready or until death makes the decision for them

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Fantasy shouldn't be ruled out here.

It sounds weird but it could turn out to be true.

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thats very disgusting to read. i dont think any sane woman would tolerate such nonsense all in the name of sexual fantasy.

there is certainly a difference between spanking during sex and violent beating

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She might be enjoying the beating.(part of her sexual fantasy)

I read an article some years ago about a woman who deliberately drives her husband crazy just for him to beat her.

In her words,she said "whenever he beats me, he takes really good care of me and its the only time he's good in bed''

Can you imagine that?

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i think you can. teach her to love herself. a woman who stays often does so out of insecurity and low self esteem (i.e. i probably deserved it, i'm no good like he says so he needs to beat me into shape). don't tell her what to do as she'll tell her husband and it might become WWIII for her. just show her. become her best friend. let her understand that an argument should not degenerate into a beating ever (from the way you and your husband relate). introduce her to women who are making it on their own.

i feel sorry for her. i hope her eyes open sooner than later.

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You cannot help an abused woman till she is ready to break free. Usually it takes a near death experience to make the scale fall out of her eyes.

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it doesnt matter what you do (or what we think) if that person is not mentally/physically and financially ready to say stop and move on then whatever you do/say will fall on deaf ears.

it all depends on where you live:

- some wont leave because divorce is against their religious beliefs.

- some would stay because they have such a low self esteem that they dont believe that 1) someone else would want them 2) that they can make it without their abusive partner.

- some believe that they deserve the punishment they got and therefore see nothing wrong in the beating (the brainwashed ones)

- some actually love that abusive person so much that they accept whatever is thrown at them. the abuser could be caught in bed with their mistress and it wouldnt make a difference.

-some believe their abusive remorseful partner when they, afterwards, say that they are sorry and would never do it again. . . . . . . . . . . . only for the abused to get the same treatment a few days/weeks later.

- in some countries, beating your wife is allowed as she is regarded as a man's property and nothing more (have you forgot about the muslim cleric who was advising on how to PROPERLY beat your wife?!) .

its hard to walk away from an abusive relationship, especially if there are kids involved. after the first few abuses, the abused gets used to it and just live with it (just like any other BS in marriage like cheating/lying etc)

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statements like this irks my heart. kai! i wish we knew better as women.

@ OP

your friend obviously and seriously needs help, whether she admits it to you or not. she needs your intervention if not you will be going to her funeral. women in abusive relationship, hardly admits it, talk less of seeking help. and she is already displaying the classical serious abuse signs.

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If she wants you to intervene,she should come to you.Dont put your head in what is not your biznis ooo b4 dem carry something break am.

Like seriously, stay away from ppl's martial problem.

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If you don't act NOW, she will not make it by NEW YEARS!

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First of all, I want to applaud you for your kind concern you'd be surprised how many people would rather let something

awful take place than risk getting involved. That said, your safety is very important and I wouldn't chance confronting the abuser.

The only thing you can do here is offer your help. speak to her when shes alone and offer ur support. if she shrugs it off, then there's not

much you can really do. And the fact that shes still living with him speaks for itself.

i think u've done the responsible thing and more than ur duty, by offerring help earlier, ask her again and see what happends

I will also suggest you call -an-abuse-hotline if things become really nasty you know what I mean

right?

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