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Pastor Or Parents: Whose Decision Is Final On Marriage?

Partner's Choosing! Whose Decision Is Final: Ones Pastor Or Parents?

Is it proper for ones pastor to give final decision and approval to one who a person should get married to

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Pastor doesn't have the final say; but he will certainly contribute a lot, close to 60%.

Lokking at some of the responses, I just wondering that for those who believe marriage is principally a spiritual commitment, will it not be wiser to let someone more spiritually mature than yourself (ie pastor) to gauge the . . .em. . .spiritual compatibility before heading for the alter?

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none of the above. I have the final decision cox am the one going to live with person

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NONE has the final say. . .I alone DO.

Pastor 20%,Parents 30 % , finito !

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Pastor: has ZERO say

Parents: have SOME say

RichyBlack: has FINAL say

Pastor ko, pasta ni.

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none.

It's the decision of the parties concerned and that's my final answer.

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parent cos pastor is just a title

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@topic,

NONE is final.Marriage is a matter of the heart,pray to God and follow your heart.

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The one i don talk, e never do?

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the pastor could always give you the support but most parents wouldn't if they do not like the woman/man he or she want's to get married to.

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you can only seek their advice but it dosent have to be the final say.

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My parents maybe! but Pastor, hell NO, where is the pastor coming from to have a say on whom, i marry.But if i go toast babes for church for those kind singles fellowship, then the Pastor has a say. But i can never go to a singles fellowship to find a wife because i am not looking at marrying frustrated and desperate babes. The singles fellowship is for frustrated and desperate babes who feel the time is ticking away. My parents can advise but the decision is totally mine and mine alone with the woman concerned. chikena!!

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actually in the process of marriage if you are sure of the partner and either of your parent's don't agree with you den you can go ahead, consult your pastor if he agrees to join you in the holy matrimony den his decision is final as for me i think the pastor has the final say in marriage cos i know of marriages that the parent's of both the man and woman didn't approve of yet dey were still joined and are together now so you can also live the same way, one day your parents would come and look for you , just have patient.

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There is no contradiction whatsoever.

The women stayed despite the abuse back then but with modernisation,they are not taking it anymore hence the apparent increase in divorce rate.

It was a taboo to get divorced,still is in our soceity.

So women stayed and pretended all was well when infact they were miserable.

Many women in abusive marriages today leave that doesn't mean our grandmothers who stayed were any happier.

I don't know how simpler to make it.

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Um, [/i]is it in all cases where people choose their own spouses that their marriages break up? Yes, I agree, our parents are experienced in most cases. But they are also[i] human and liable to make subjective statements. I have seen parents disuade their children from marrying from a particular area, simply because[i] the person does Not speak their language, [/i] or simply because "they heard that people from that area behave in a particular way". What is the name for this kind of mentality? Prejudice. Pure & simple. In many cases, they have not had any close up interaction with the person their son/daughter is dating or wants to marry; they know little or nothing about the person's personality & even far less about that person's character. Yet, they don't want that relationship, simply because their son/daughter's suitor is from a different district.

Oh dear, what kind of 'opinions' are prospective brides supposed to be seeking? We need to be careful of where we draw counsel from. Some biased people have been known to mislead others with their counsel. What women need to do is open their eyes, ears and study their men properly, before they commit to such guys.

Usually when a relationship or a marriage breaks up, a lot of women confess that they saw the signs early on during courtship that the guy had some traits they were uncomfortable with, but they went ahead in the hope that they could change the guy after marriage.

Some parents have their own preferences for a certain type of person, that they would like their kids to get married to, while ignoring the feelings of their kids or forgetting that these are different times and this is a different generation.

Marriage lasted in the past, when parents made the choices on behalf of their kids, because many women were not finacially independent or were at an educational disadvantage.

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I find the above post by your a bit contradictory. If the divorce rate is higher now becos of the reasons you outlined above, it still goes to prove that wrong choices were made. Otherwise, why would an angel of a husband suddenly turn abusive, use u as a sex gratifying object etc. the same men that professed to love and cherish u till death put apart on the alter?.

This yet proves the essence of seeking advise before choosing marriage partners. Most of our so called parents are experienced, having been through one of two of such experiences themselves and want to help us not to make such mistakes they made. They also observe things better than us. I tell you the developed countries of the world have the highest divorce rates in comparison to ours. And these are pple that often act independly of their parents i.e. making their own choices. How come their marriages don't last?

This trend is getting into our system because we tend to naturally copy anything stamped 'made abroad'. I say it from the experience of a married lady that I am, most ladies that seek opinion in the choice of their married partners tend to be more successful in marriage.

When I chose my hubby for instance, I sought no consent. I have seen so many things that put me off about him/family set up hidden to me in courtship now in marriage. Not withstanding the fact that I dated him for years (almost 6). Now, I always wish I had taken time to seek counsel and make enquiries before choosing him as a married patner.

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My dear sis,let's leave mama and papa in this.

The divorce rate is higher not because people are now choosing their own spouses but because woman are beginning to say NO, loud and clear to abusive husbands.

They are refusing to be punching bags,sex gratifying objects,called names and humiliated in public by men that had vowed at the altar to love and cherish them.

Most women now have jobs while in some of our parents and grandparents days they depended solely on the man for livelihood,a man that also took care of her own family such that a divorce would  be a big blow financially to her family,she stayed and endured the beatings and ill treatments and threats of the man marrying a second wife in some instances.

Parents have wisdom I agree and we should honor them as the Bible says but a man shall find his own wife as the Bible says too.

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I have been wanting to ask you guys that feel the decision is yours and yours alone whether you have not observed that in today modern days, the divorce rate is so much more on the increase compared to the olden days when parents were actively involved in the choice of married partners for their wards.

Don't you think it is this way because your choice without any advise/input from anyone is often flawed most of the time. pple could be very pretentious. You might think you are in love because of the outward appearance a would be spouse is putting up, not knowing he is hiding his/real identity.

It takes a matured mind that could discern to sometimes see that which is hidden to the ordinary eyes. You can never beat the wisdom of the elderly in cases like this!

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@laudate: WORD! and welcome to nairaland!

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This issue of marrying a graduate or a non-graduate, is neither here nor there. The most important questions are:

- Does the guy love the girl enough to accept her the way she is, with or without a first degree?

-Are they spiritually & physically compatible?

-Do they share similar views or outlook on life?

-Do they feel comfortable in each other's company etc.

-How do they handle or resolve money matters?

There is a long list of other issues that need to be properly addressed & thrashed out.

Seeing the four walls of a university or having a university certificate, is not a do-or-die affair. The guy can always send her to university later, if she wants to improve on her educational qualifications. Many married couples in the sixties, did this. A lot of men married wives who were less educationally endowed than they were, and proceeded to brush up those women, by either sending them to university or vocational schools, at home and abroad. A lot of those women turned out so well, that you could not believe they had NOT been to a finishing school.

I know some so-called graduates who attended university and lack articulate oral and written skills in English. I also know a few women who attended just secretarial schools and yet, they would beat some of these graduates in a spelling contest.

I had a relative whose wife was a confidential secretary for many years, before she later went to university in the tenth year of their marriage. Before she entered the university, she helped a lot of us young people with our homework. And we excelled. Thanks to her tutelage.

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@ gridlock, that was a loadful and it made sense.

There aint no point me writing anymore cos i would just be repeating your words!

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[size=8pt]Now, there goes some of my opinion on this topic. You need guidance at times [[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]size=8pt]even though [size=8pt][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]the final decision lies with you. Remember some come in sheep clothings and are wolves! A lot of would be partners pretend to be who they are not just to get you hooked to you. 20 years of courtship would not always reveal the real person you are dating to you. Haven't you heard of people who dated for over 10 years, got married to each other, yet the marriage did not last a year?. You can never claim to know someone so well until you are married to him/her. I have heard also for example, a sister thought she was getting married to a xtian, just for her to be be married and the brother said, he only pretended to be such becuase he wanted her at all costs and that he is a practising muslim. I still insist you need counsel from experienced people before making a choice. Marriage is like a trap as you can never bolt out once in it and your expectations are not fulfilled, except if you are of the liberal mind that do not find anything wrong in divorce. Even when I was much younger, our core traditional beliefs (am Yoruba) says when you bring a partner home, your parents are supposed to carry our investigations to see i.e. if he/she and lineage is free from hereditary ailments, madness, curses e.t.c. This is to show the need to seek advice before taking a decision on who to marry!!![/font][/size][/size][/size][size=8pt][/size][/font]

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word!!

how can one even think of it!!

Final decision is mine and mine alone!

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@Seun I thought as much

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i think d ultimate decision lies with u.d bible even says;he that FINDETH a wife findeth agood thing and not he whose pastor or parents giveth a wife.

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Parents can have a say in ur relationship but should nt be allowed to have a final decission cos that is soulely for the ppl in the relationship, but the pastor is out of it, they should hands off making decissions for their members.

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I still feel it is good to be guided and seek counsel. there are times you feel you know the person you are getting married to and you do not. Marriage is always a different experience to courtship. You only get to know the real person you are married to after marriage. Yeah, the ultimate decision lies with you, but you need a wise counsel and lots of prayers too to pick right! In fact, you really need to be at alert. Some of us speaking are married and know what we are saying. Cheers!

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Thank you very much Vizion, i dont know why we're all still deliberating about this. The people involved will still have the final say after everything unless they are attending Rev Dr KING'S church where everything he say is FINAL.

personally, when am ready to get married, i'll just ask my parents consent and then intimate my pastor of when the wedding bells will ring, PERID. If he's not ready tomarry us, then i'll find another church thats ready, haba

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as with all other decisions in life, i strongly believe that since one is going to personally bear the burnt of his or her actions, s/he should get as much advise as they please but the final decision should be that of the person(s) concerned

in this case, those of the intending couple

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I won't bother to ask my parents because there's nothing I've ever wanted to do that they did not oppose!

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Babyosisi i too will not waht my kids to marry any one less educated that them.

The Parents can for see problems comming up that he cannot.

If he makes it in life, he will be attending cocktail parties etc etc.

Some one will have to do the homework with the children, meet the teacher etc etc.

Its different if she dose not work ,but people ill be asking her what she dose , did.

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Well i guess if i had a Pastor i would like to hear what he has to tell me about my wannabe hubby.

But he will not be the one to pick him for me.

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see, let's get this thing straight,in the civilized world of today, my parent can't decide for me on whom to marry,not to talk of the pastor,but,if there's any decision,my parent should be inthe best position to do that not the pastor.

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You love her dearly and she loves you too and your parents say no just because she's not a univesity graduate, that's very shallow.

I hope they can come around and change their opinions because you'll need them along the way.

If your parents know you call the shots,they are bound to follow.

All the best in your upcoming wedding.

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Well, as far as I know, this is a little dicey.

I am suppose to be getting marriad this year

but the problem is that the girl of my choice is not a graduate.

My family say no.As for the pastor I don't consider him as that important.

but the irony of it all is that i have made up my mind to

to marry this lady and that is my final decision. IRIVOCABLE ::;

aaThe others can advice but is my prerogative to say no and i have said no.

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In as much as we would be obliged to seek the opinion or views of those more experienced than us, the fact remains that the INDIVIDUAL is in a better position to decide who his/her life partner should be. Life is a blessing that is better imagined. My candid opinion remains that the ultimate choice should be one that gives joy and happiness. God bless.

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wetin kon concern agboro with overload? since when did pastors have any say on this? neways, not MY 'pastor' (Rev)

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Hey! The issue of choosing the right partner and the decision taken is a very serious issue, it is not to be easily outdone.

First, you have to respect the decision of your Pastor(that if if u r sure of his spiritual background.), because he is a spiritually minded person. He know more than you know. He sees more than wat u can see.

Another thing is this: If at all your Pastor discourages you from continuing the relationship, You demand outrightly the right to know the reason for you to do so, and confirm if it might be true or not. SO that you case will not be an "HAD I KNOWN" case.

After all this, you go to the Lord for Guidance and more insight.

Parents decision as well should not be outdone. They are more experienced in the field. They might fore-see forthcoming trouble that they would want you to go thru. You should also demaor proper explanation.

One thing with parents is this: when they hate you partner, they wouldnt want to associate with the person, So u have to watch carefully to know if its hate or sometn else.

After all this, you must go to God in prayer. if u r sincere to urself and to him, He will surely will reveal things to you. Revealing thing here might not necesarily come in dreams or vesions. It can come as signs, things will start happening and at the end of the day, the truth shall be made manifest.

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@Seun I couldn’t help laughing when I read ur post. I agree with u. LOL. But at least lets ask God for permission and our parents for blessings

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i believe the only person who should say in anybody's marriage r the ppl getting married. when ppl start givin advice that they arent involved in that when trouble starts.

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Pastors and parents will not live with you. They can only advise based on what see or hear. They are not to decide for you. He who finds a good wife, is what the Bible says and not he whom a wife is given or decided for. I think urs is to find the wife of ur dream and ask them for their blessings. I believe the final decision on marriage is urs. You are the one the knows what you want in life and who you want to live life with. Prayerfully take charge of ur life from the begining and things will be okay with u.

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You are so right on dear.

When you find yourself needing approval,you may actually be looking for someone to voice out the NO you were unable to tell yourself.

When you meet Mr Right,you will definitely know.

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If you need a second opinion on who you want to spend the rest of your life with then may be , you have made the wrong choice. On two occassions i badly need the approval of my family to enable to accept a marraige proposal, and now when i look back i know i was not really into the men, when you find the right thing or person, theres no second guessing, you'll need blessings, but not approval, as long as ur partner is in Christ, if ur feeling him, it is well

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MINE

its not my pastor nor my parents thats going to be living with my wife, I will live with my wife, argue with my wife, fight with my wife, go through difficult time with my wife, be rich with my wife, sleep with my wife not my pastor nor my parents. so why should a third persons opinion matter in finding your LIFE PARTNER (HOPEFULLY)

It kinda baffles me to see people talking about their pastor will decide on whether or not they should marry somebody, am like thats lack of confidence and dignity.

regardless LIFE SUCKS CACTUS ROX

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But remember also that the bible says in the muititude of counsellors, a wise decision is taken. Don't therefore see it mainly as your perogative. Even thou, you of a truth would take the final decision, it is always good to seek advise from other people. Most people dating are often blind to the faults of their dating patners. It takes a neutral person to see things you don't yourself see at these periods. So in conclusion, both i.e. pastor and parents are relevant. You attend a church to get spiritual guidance and as such, it is one of their duties to you. A good pastor would therefore take an interest in your choice of marriage partner and pray along with you and want to ask questions to ascertain you're sure of what you're doing. Parents too being our earthly custodians God begeth us to are responsible into guiding us into marrying the right persons. Remember the role Isaac or Abraham played in choosing a wife for his son. In fact most good churches would tell you anyday that parental consent is very vital in the issue of marriage. They have the experience and raised you up, and above all, God has given them the grace and spiritual capability to discern some things that are hidden to us. Whether your parents are believers or not, you still need to pray to make them come around as you never can tell what they have seen. And I do not support the fact that because you solely chose your partner for marriage would make you not to blame anyone for the choice of that partner when you run into problems later with him/her. In fact, it is a good reason to even blame either your pastors or parents for not giving you enough spiritual and parental guidance. God placed these people over you for a purpose. They are a special authority in our lives.

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Neither of God has the final say. That rests with God and YOU. But if the question is who consent is more vital, i will say that of parents. Even the bible and our culture accentuate this. My pastor cannot, for any reason, overrule my choice of partner. The most he can do is to disagree and still join us. If not, one can always get joined elsewhere.

However, my parents' objection is more weighty and deserving of thought. They have the right to either agree or not. But even if they do disagree, the idea thing is to work on them and wait until they change their minds. Those who went ahead without this always bite their fingers.

So, if it about consent, my parents have the right to. But no pastor has the final say on who anyone marries. It amounts to overstretched powers for any pastor to expect anyone to marry whoever he deems fit. If he has to do that, then he has failed as a pastor to tutor his flock on how to take the most important issue in life. Members should be left to their convictions. Sikena!

I hand over the baton.

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personally,i think the final say rests on the parents.this is the normal thing and this happens when the circumstances surrounding it is okay.let's take a case where the parents are biased tribally,religiously or financially and the person's happiness relies on the wedlock.the pastor or imam has to wade int the matter.

both parties are very important to the survival of the wedlock,they have different roles to play and they should not be misinterpreted

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Guys

To be honest neither the both party has the final decision every thing boils down to those who want to get married the best and highest they can do is to advice. mind you none of them would be there to help out when the marriage trouble comes.

its more of a family thing than a church thing

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