«Home

Polygamy: Do Women Really Find It Acceptable?

Mariama Ba's classic novel, "So Long a Letter" which is partly a scathing attack on polygamy constrasts with Helen Ovbiagele's novel, "A fresh start" which actually supports this trend. In the novel, "A Fresh start", the spouse of a wealthy man, after putting to bed four children, marries a new spouse for her husband. Luckily, the younger spouse has a good relationship with the senior wife as well as her children, whom she regards as siblings. Growing up in Nigeria, I heard of such a trend too.

Unfortunately, such relationships could backfire and create a rift between the senior wife and the younger wife. Proof of its practise dates back to Biblical era when Sarah gave her maid Hagar to her husband who then gave birth to Ishmael. From my understanding, the conflict between the Jews and the Palestines is embedded in the genealogy of Isaac and Ishmael. In the modern world, such trend may not be acceptable. My co-worker told me that no normal woman would wholeheartedly accept a rival and there are countless women who who would support him. Is it true? If so, can someone explain the underlying reason that would prompt a wealthy woman to seek a spouse for her husband, even when they exist a strong matrimonial bond between these two parties? In polygamous homes, tensions arise, but sometimes, even when the co-rivals have a good relationship, there might be speculations on the minds of cynics that their cordial relationship is a 'front'.

What do you all think?

Avatar
Newbie
37 answers

My husbands father had 2 wives.  His step mom doesnt like him and only wants her son to succeed in life.  There seems to be alot of competition amongst the half brother and sisters.  His father tried to treat them equally, but it wasnt easy.  My husband keeps his life as private as possible from his step mom.  He feels very warm towards his mother and says she was the gentle and first wife.  His father lived with his step mom though later in life.  I dont understand the system much.  I personally would be very jealous and could not cope sharing my lover with anyone.  The thought of it makes me very sick to my stomach and I do feel bad for the people involved in it.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Women find it acceptable. The general trend is women accepting to married man. one man many wives or many women for one husband

0
Avatar
Newbie

many of dem wey dey do yanga here now sef go still end up as 2nd, 3rd wives

0
Avatar
Newbie

Interesting! all the babes here are against polygamy. So who are all the women marrying already married women and becoming 2nd, 3rd, 4th wives? Takes two to tango. In olden days, women were forced into polygamy. Nowadays, women go into polygamy for the money or because they are tired of waiting for Mr. Right.

Also, we must define polygamy. Its not only when a man performs marriage ceremony for 2nd or 3rd wife that he is a polygamist. Many guys have only one legal wife but they have 2 or 3 women outside who have kids for them. They buy/rent/build house for the lady, give her food/housekeeping allowance, pocket money, pay her kids school fees etc - in short, they do everything with her that they do with the legal wife. The only thing is that they did not do legal or traditional ceremony with those other women. Are such men not also polygamists? But they have only one legal wife.

0
Avatar
Newbie

If the persons involved in polygamous marriages were to be honest, I'm sure they ll confess that they regret the decisions they made to do so. Except for the very selfish ones who benefits from such marriages,all others would agree that no body loves to share 'that special person' with someone else. If you exclude religious & traditional beliefs from some persons mind, they will tell you that its a BITTER pill to swallow. It's not a healthy environment for ANY family. I think every man should take a thought on how it hurts to share their woman with another man before they decide to bring another woman into the home because when they do so, it stops being a marriage but the achievements of a VERY selfish man. We have a solution to every exception.Think smart, keep your home intact and be a happy man.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I couldnt possibly put it better myself!

People(some men especially) dont seem to realise how fast the world is changing and how the expression "its a man's world"is used by fewer and fewer people.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I am 47 years old and I dont want to share my husband. Some will say its better for the man to bring the woman in the house because he will still be cheating on you out there. I feel that such a man will never be satisfied, thats why he keeps on bringing more woman home as wives. I rather have a man who will cheat but respect my feelings by not bringing the woman in my face. Its must be extremely painful to look at the woman your husband is sleeping with. I feel most women are forced to accept other wives because they fear the husband's might leave them. Men do not undestand how painful it is for a woman .Even if the wives pretend to love each other, there is always an element of jealosy. I had a friend whose husband took another wife. She said she would only be nice to the junior wife if her husband did not go to (the junior wife's) bedroom. She said if her husband went to the junior wife, the senior wife would give her hell. I do not support men taking multiple wives. If they contract AIDS, they all die. Some of these wives have boyfriends on the side. One wife is enough!!!!

0
Avatar
Newbie

Being a spinster does not automatically translate to misery. All that talk of prophesy i ddnt get too and nothing about hypocrasy when ladies of today say they can never share a man. You can go ahead and marry many ladies if you want, when you dont wake up the next day you will know how emotionally different women are from men esp in a world where the 'woman' is gaining power

0
Avatar
Newbie

Re: Polygamy: Do women Really Find It Acceptable

All those girls shouting never, lailai, are hypocritical or not yet of marriageable age.when the time comes, some of them will seek to be third wives and they won't still make it. The christian bible has said that seven women will seek to hang onto one man. The prophesy is already coming true. So, girls take your chance and forget side talks. Unless u hav vowed to remain a miserable and childless spinster throughout your life.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Who dictates these "moral standards" anyway?

0
Avatar
Newbie

GOD ALMIGHTY.

And DON'T question that. The penalty for blasphemy is hellfire. Better be careful and repent your sins.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Nope

But at the end of the day it depends on the moral standards of both parties.

0
Avatar
Newbie

if you noticed i was cheeckily replying directly to soulpatrol's offtopic

I gave my opinion earlier on, i dont have to be a woman to know they dont accept it but in the nigerian context it still happens though descreasing- no decrease in the number of women having relationship with married men though

0
Avatar
Newbie

I dont know about women, but i don't find it acceptable.

All these women that find it acceptable, are just lying.

0
Avatar
Newbie

I'm from a double polygamous home and it sucks!!!

By double polygamy i mean that my father was married before he met my mum,had two kids from that(by the way,he had a daughetr before he even got married!).My mum was married before,she had a son and then when both of them met up and got together,my father went ahead to have 2 other kids WHILE being married to my mum eventhough he didnt marry their mother.So in between,i have 6 siblings(i am the last) and its terrible.I am not proud to say i have a sister or a brother somewhere doing something.I grew up with two of them and eventhough they always treated me different and somehow i sensed that i was different i always looked up to them and loved them(i still do love them)but it just hurts when they do their own thing and dont give a droppings about you!It really hurts!!!I try my very best to have a relationship with them and they just blow me off. . . its really painful not to have the love of a sibling and i get envious of my friends that do.

Worst still my father cannot exactly get an A plus in "How to be a good parent" so the whole thing is just shitty and rubbish.

Rant over.

0
Avatar
Newbie

A little off topic but oh well . . . whoever thinks he/she can handle the stress of polygamy can go ahead, I got no beef with that. Heck polygamy is a lot better than a married man/woman hoping around and rolling in the hay with everything that has a John Thomas or the other one.

0
Avatar
Newbie

well , ppl r different

some women accept it other , while others wont

0
Avatar
Newbie

For the record, Muslims have a completely different account of the abe+sarah+hagar story.

It should be obvious what is different.

Since they are so different, I conclude that they are both lies.

On topic: If a woman wants to marry a man that is already married it is her own wahala. If the first wife accepts it or not it is her own wahala. If the man decides whether or not to get the first wife's consent before going poly, it is his own wahala.

However.

Biologically, It makes more sense for a male to have multiple spouses than for a female to have multiple sires. This is because women are more valuable to the collective, and men are expendable, hence there is less of a need for them. Similarly, if five women are married to one powerful man, four of them will raise healthier children than they would have if forced to marry weaker men due to one lucky female bagging the alpha stud. This is a net gain for the collective.

But human beings are not dumb animals participating in a pointless biological sideshow! We are divine luminous beings sent on an anointed mission by GOD ALMIGHTY our heavenly father! So all this is bunk! Marry one wife and go to your mansion in heaven!, (or your army of virgins, your choice)

0
Avatar
Newbie

And a man with more than one woman is the same

0
Avatar
Newbie

MAAT, SO YOU NO DEY SHAME TO TELL PEOPLES SAY YOU GO IF TAKE TWO OR MORE MEN?

NA ASHEWO DEY DO THAT KIND THING. AND REMEMEMBER SAY AID DEY OOOOOOOOOOOOO

0
Avatar
Newbie

i share stuff with other people but when it comes to dat. o heck no!! i'm against it.

0
Avatar
Newbie

*eye roll* Did the "maid" work in the prone position?

0
Avatar
Newbie

For some it works for others it doesn't. Both my grandfathers were polygamist. For my maternal grandfather it worked. The family is so close knitted you can hardly tell siblings from half siblings. The two wives pretty much got along till my grandmother died. For my dad's side of the family it's complete disaster. Lack of trust and love, jealousy, different accusations levelled against each other- it's terrible. They might pretend to be cordial but they don't trust each other at all. Some have completely deserted the family for fear of "juju". The only ones who really care for each other are actually siblings.

As for me at this age and time, Hell no.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Is that a naija movie or true life story. I find it hard to believe just because a woman was satisfied with her maid's job, she decided her husband should marry her.

0
Avatar
Newbie

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm,NDIPE,the pastor, you too much ooooooooooooo

0
Avatar
Newbie

Well it is fiction. . (Chinani)

It isnt fiction since it is in the Holy Bible that Sarah actually gave her handmaid, Hagar to her husband, Abraham, so that he would procreate his genealogy.

And this trend persists in today's world. I heard of a lady, impressed by the work of her maid, encouraged her husband to marry her, which he did. (Sorry, dont want to delve into it)

0
Avatar
Newbie

Yep, they find it very acceptable just the same way a man also finds polyandry and a cheating wife acceptable!

0
Avatar
Newbie

Ive been thinking since so many new age ladies want to be the only wife why is it still going on (in Nigeria of course),though it is on the decrease it will seem the same women shouting "never in my life will my husband marry another woman after me", will be the same women marry a man that is already married not necessarily the same

yea me too its too much hassle, this wife that wife, 2 houses, half brother half sisters just to much wahala

0
Avatar
Newbie

I bet you, women don't like it.

itz sad to share your love for a man with another woman who he'll call his second or whatever wife

0
Avatar
Newbie

or maybe she is fed up of the marrage and wants her peace.

Just maybe its the better form of Devoice

0
Avatar
Newbie

The question is, why would a wealthy woman marry a younger woman for her husband. That is a misery to me too. I mean, why get married in the first place, if you can't fulfil the duties of a wife. I think, most women that do so, are either lazy or they don't have respect for the marriage institution.

I do not find it acceptable and I can never, ever, be in a polygamous marriage. It is me, me and me alone. Not, first wife, not second wife, ONLY wife. Most people will argue that there are more female than male, so polygamy is allowed, simply BS.

0
Avatar
Newbie

my grandfather was a polygamist so i don't she nothing wrong with it in his case cuz it happened long time ago. but if that was me, i don't think i would tolerate it. i don't want so guy kissing up on me one minute just to do the same to his other wife the next.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Hmmmm Polygamy is accepted in naija, grew up around it, so i ddnt really see anything wrong with it as a child. I remember i had these neighbours who where like sooo many. They were muslims but this one had more than four/five wives, the house next to ours only had five wives in it, they had a guest house down the street that housed some of the children, they had houses all over the town, the family scattered in those houses. Can you imagine that a truck and two buses come can take the family for holidays, I was like damn! how does that man do it? How does he manage his family affairs? I know many women especially in this dawn and age cannot share a man with another woman. Having such a big family is a mess, too much stress

0
Avatar
Newbie
Your answer
Add image

By posting your answer, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.