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Should American Wife Have To Make Change Before Going To Nigeria?

I am a portly woman (a big.thick woman). Whatever you want to call it (BBW).

My husband has always been attracted to me and thinks I am sexy, BUT, he is very opposite of me. he is very muscular and in-shape like an athlete. A very strong looking man.

The problem is- now that I am going to Nigeria for the first time he is pressuring me to lose weight- and is becoming angry with me for my lack of progress. he says we should both look healthy. Well- i am healthy- I'm just overweight.

His mom and dad already know i am big- they have visited here last year and saw me-- but now that we are going to Naija and will meet his brothers and sisters for the first time, Suddenly, my weight is of concern to him.

I don't think this is fair to me, he is now acting embarassed and impatient of my size- now that we are going to Naija.

If I eat anything (even breakfast) he gets angry and says "Aren't you trying to lose weight?"

EVERYDAY- he wants to know what exercise I have done, and gives me the silent treatment if i report that I had not exercised that day.

Our 4 children have their visas to go to Nigeria, but mysteriously, mine has not arrive yet.

Now I am thinking he is withholding my visa based on whether or not lose weight.

This is supposed to be a fun trip to finally see his homeland, but now it just seems like stress and pressure to put on a beauty show for him.

Any advice for how to deal with this--- and how important is MY size in Yoruba culture.

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According to this thread

http://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=66979.msg1304657#msg1304657

and this post from the thread

You have visited naija which is what I was trying to recall above. Let us assume that you travelled then with a visiting Visa, why would you tell us you are going to see his brothers and sisters for the first time when one of the brothers Molested you?

What are trying to find out? Something does not add up here. I stand to be corrected though.

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Are you not the lady that went to Nigeria sometime and your brother in law forced himself on you? The picture on your profile rings a bell. It is either you have put up this topic before or, you are the one or may be the picture there is not yours!

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No, I do not think anyone should have to make any such changes before going to anywhere in this world, ok!  I suggest, they get there first and decide for themselves.  However, with regards to health issues, one can make the changes right out there if need be.  But knowing Nigeria, you don't need to do that much because the climate would shift some of it for you i.e. the outdoor life, the walk about and the sun shine, Haba! 

Anyway, do you feel over-weight and uncomfortable in your own body right now?  If so then, do something - mainly for your HEALTH/COMPLICATIONS that can result from obesity e.g Chronic diseases such as Diabetes, Coronary Heart Diseases, Respiratory problems, Cancer, Fatigue as well as the physical limitations obesity can throw in (i.e. Can't walk, can't run, can't reposition self in bed and in certain situations, can't even wash or wipe one's own back side properly due to the MASS OF FLESH covering certain areas of the body etc).  These are just few of the realities of obesity.  So, don't think it's a bad idea to loose 1 or 2 stones at the end of the day, whose life is at risk here, anyway? Yours! So if you can, do it for yourself and kids.  Good luck!!

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JUST AN UPDATE:[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font][color=#990000][/color]

I hired a personal fitness trainer just a few days after I made the original post. So far, there has been a lot of sweat- and even some tears front he hard work. I don't think I have lost anything yet as its only been a few weeks, but I expect to have some progress by October 1st.

Hubby is pleased to see me exercising, so there is no tension about the whole issue anymore - he's just anticipating some results within the next few months.

I'm trying- for him, and for me i guess.

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Sweetie, I'm so sorry. My husband did exactly the same thing to me the first time I ever came to Nigeria. LOL. I can laugh now remembering it but I was so damn confused at the time. Our son was about 6 months old and I was still chubby. We were invited to come over to Lagos for his brother's wedding and this guy who up til now never gave a poo what I wore, how my hair looked, how my baby belly looked - started freaking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn. He even took me shopping for the first time EVER and bought me a ridiculously expensive designer suit - of course I milked it and got shoes and a bag too. Lol.

I told him to back off one day and he yelled back at me about how it was the first time I was coming to Lagos as his wife (I'd visited as his girlfriend a few times) and EVERYONE was going to be there and blah blah blah. I found it kind of sweet in a twisted sort of way. Anyway I came over, dressed to kill and knocked em dead - the rest as they say is history. Lol. And all the family and guests were totally decked out (of course) so he was really protecting me.

His mum (Yoruba) is hard work though and whilst she doesn't say anything to me directly (although she says it all with her eyes!) she's gives my sister's-in-law hard time about their weight. Its like she is obsessed.

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How come it wasnt a problem till the trip to Naija drew nigh?

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I think it is important to sit down with him and have a heart to heart. Ask him to be honest with you and explain why all of a sudden he is concerned about your weight. The truth may sting but it's better than lies. If you can do that, then you can decide how to proceed.

Would it benefit YOU to lose weight? Would it make you feel better, up your self esteem etc?!? If so, go ahead and take steps to lose weight. You will win and so will he. Would it NOT benfit you to lose weight?!? If there are no obvious benefits to you losing weight, then weigh (no pun intended) how important your husband's desires are. If you want to make him happy and he's going to be happy if you drop some weight then do that. If nothing is going to make him happy, do nothing and let that be.

Hope this helps!

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It is ok to feel the way u do, however, u need to let it go and dont allow that to come btw your marriage, plsssssssssssssss.

Forgive him and let it go.

he loves you and that is all that matters.

have fun in Nija and try and get on Molue in Lagos and ride okada as well

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The Point IS, I do look good. he always made me believe I look good, but now suddenly- we are going to Nigeria and I am just finding out that we've been living a lie. I look good enough for America, but not good enough for Nigeria?! that makes no sense.

If I did not look good, then he should have told me looong before a trip to Naija was planned. I can't be attractive in 1 city and a baboon in the next-- when the husband is still the same.

i will try to lose some weight, but I am angry because he should want me to lose weight for good health, NOT JUST to show off for his people. And if my weight was no problem here in the U.S., then there should be no urgency to drop pounds BEFORE the trip.

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Seems like all the excitement of visiting Nigeria for the first time is almost all gone.

just hang in there

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sorry guys for going off topic but pls is dis TRUE

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hell no.  its upto you to decide about your weight.  its your body, you wouldnt alow an american man to tell you to loose wight (most arnt silly enough to even mention it) so why so it for a nigerian man?  if you want to loose weight for you then go ahead, if he wants you to bcause he is aout to get caught in some lie he told his buddies, well tough poo

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Not fair. Why don't you tell him that he is ruining this for you. I can just tell from what you wrote that you were really excited and he has dashed that to pieces. He is being a little selfish here and even if his family will talk he should be able to handle it. Maybe his parents saw you and said something when they got home and your husband was embarrassed by it. My uncle's wife weighs more than you and she went to Nigeria for the first time a few years ago and she was well taking care of. Your husband is the problem here not you.

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let him phuck you until all of the fat leaves your body, trust me u don't have to go to the gym.

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load up on iro, buba, boubou and other African wears that can compliment your figure.

Your husband knows how people talk, thats why he's worried.

Make an effort to lose some weight, so he can at least see you're trying.

If the people at home cant see the 4 kids and add two and two together, then thats their own problem.

They may still talk and complain regardless anyway.

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Tanna, stop stressing. You described your husbands body in your first post, and their was pride in that. Just make the effort and worry less, don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

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Hit the gym with him.

you work on the weight, if you wanna do it for him and for yourself.

he works on his abs, for more packs

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1. No I was not Big when we were dating. I gained more weight with each child over the years. But I have been big LONGER than the years I was normal weight.

2. About the visa- He actually applied for Nigerian passports for the kids, I did not qualify for a Nigerian passport so he applied for a visa for me. All at the same time. He showed me the kids passports, but keeps saying more info is needed for my visa, Like a 2nd letter of invitation from his family, and one thing after another. he never showed me the letter from the consulate to prove they are really requesting more info. He keeps saying he has it in his office at work and keeps forgetting to bring it home for me to read.

3. I am not huge. I have been asked to model since I have been this size. Men check me out or flirt with me all the time, american and otherwise. so its not like I'm not attractive. That's why I don't understand this sudden concern-- and RUSH for me to lose weight for the trip. Sure I probably should try to lose weight-- but he is behaving as if it it urgent for the trip.

4. I am the size of Jennifer Hudson when she played in DreamGirls. My profile has a pic to example my size. That's not me, but looks a lot like me.

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I don’t see much wrong with your hubby asking you to loose a lil weight!!! I think that you are being a little too sensitive!!! However I do agree that it should not cause dispute b/t you guys and that he should approach this issue in a more loving manner, but again that’s your hubby and he just want you both to shine. I don’t think its personal……. Besides you should want to look your best for him. I say this with all due respect, because I am a mommy as well, and I know the importance of keeping ourselves in shape for health as well as appearance….Remember you want to keep his eyes.

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You are too much.

but you real sha.

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Hahahaha, you're crazy.

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Don't bovver about your size if you are coming to Lagos.

After the 3rd week, your weight will reduce after the day-to-day stress you are bound to encounter in Lagos.

Sumo wrestlers have turned to skeletons in Lagos. . . . .U have no problem at all.

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Stilly. . . . . .Why na?

Don't pretend you dunno what Lagos is like.

The temperature will lap up 10 stones from the OP. . . . .Never mind the traffic, fumes, sound pollution, etc.

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Dont worry about GEW, it is always a personal attack, so let him wag his tail and shake "his' tail feather

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Why when we talk about weight people start saying love me for who I am bla bla whereas being overweight is a health issue. If I am blowing up day by day, I expect my loved ones to put me in order. The only problem I see here is her husband's manner of approach on her losing weight.

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Never knew your own bible says, you have to love someone that is not your type of woman?

everyone has quality that they want in a woman, and in a man, and no man/woman shd settle for less.

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I know that's just not right from the man's part but losing some pounds won't kill her either.

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The woman must like it to change and she shouldn´t only change because of him because today he want her to change this and tomorrow again something else. He started a relation with her the way she was, he loved her the way she was why now changing the person you always liked the way she was?

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I also believe that the problem is not only the weight, I think that the weight isn´t even the big issue. For sure there´s more behind it and the best think is to find that out.

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So it is OK for the woman to change what she looks like, not because the man dont like it, but cos the man is worrying about what others might think?

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please, lose as much weight as u can. He's doin it in ur best interest. Nigerians react differently to big women, some are indifferent , while others can be nasty. Yoruba's used to be known for likin their women big but now that image has changed. All round, weight loss won't hurt ur self esteem when u land.

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i am sorry that you have to go thru this, however,  i have some questions.

1. have you always been thick, i mean while you were dating, were you BBW then as well?

2. Did you guys applied for all the Visa at same time?

Explain to your husband that you are comfortable the way you are, and that he loved you the way you are, and why is he worried about what people in Nigeria will think, he needs to love who you are and not what you look like.

Tell him to let you talk to the embassy and know why your visa is yet to be given.

Tell him u need some encouragement with losing weight and you wont mind, if he can be going with you.

Good luck

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He liked you the way you was, he started moving with you the way you are so why now changing? believe me, if he want you to change by all means it doesn´t work out. he can´t change you, you only can change yourself but with no force from him.

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there are many obese women in naija and yorubas have their fare share so it is not like you will be the only BBW woman in your plane let alone his village because until recently the only gym we saw in naija was via TV and magazines.

there is more to this than your weight that is if you have weight problem at all.

if it is not too much for you tell him you dont want to go and watch him from there.

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