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Should He Take His Wife Back?

My relation, an only child, got married last year in Kaduna. 6 months after, following a quarrel with her husband, she left to stay with her parents without informing my relation. Efforts to get her back to her husband were unsuccessful as her mummy insisted the daughter would remain till she is delivered of the pregnancy she was carrying at the time. Unfortunately, she lost the pregnancy and my relation refused to settle the medical bills for the reason that she left her matrimonial home without his permission. The wife and her mum stuck to their guns that the good lady would remain in Kaduna.

Meanwhile, my relation's mother (and only surviving parent) was afflicted with stroke - which left her bedridden - which made him focus his efforts in trying to revive his mother. The wife, meanwhile knew about this but didn't come down to assist. Finding it awkward to handle his mother, a former girlfriend came to the 'rescue'. Recently, the mother died - and that is when the wife decided to come down from Kaduna, especially when she heard that his ex girl had been with her husband. My relation is angry and doesn't want anything to do with her, in fact he has gone ahead to pay dowry on the former girl because 'she was available when help was needed badly'. Now the wife has been pestering me to intervene - prior to this, she never called me - because she realised how very close the husband is with me.

I have discussed with my relation and he insists he cannot take her back for not coming down when his mother was ill - he believed she would abandon him shd he fall into difficult times. The wife is seriously pleading that I should help her reconcile them both. She recognises her mistake but my brother would none of it. As a christian, I don't accept 2nd wife and I told my brother so. He replied that he was not bound by such beliefs, moreso as he was only married traditionally.

I'm hoping to meet with him at the burial when I hope we can settle things well. Meanwhile he has informed the '1st wife' to stay off the burial ceremonies and insists it is over.

People, what do you advise? Any hope to reconcile or I shouldn't waste my time?

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47 answers

Thanks for getting back to us!  But I should suggest you let your brother go with his heart.  Let him marry the woman that truely loves him and in my view, it's this woman that was with his mother till the end, the other was a mistake and we all make it, don't we?  He mistakenly married another man's wife not realising it as the length of their courtship failed to reveal that. The wife is still young and can find another man but, you want your brother to be happy, don't you? If not for any other reason, now his mother is no longer with us.  Let it be, please let it be especially, now children are not involved thus, finding themselves a victim of this difficult relationship!  Let him follow his heart!!

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U pple should talk to his mother in-law and make sure that she will not be the G.O (general overseer )of the marriage again.Then u pple wilow know what to tellur wife.But ur brother and the so called EX no try at all.Y didn't he marry his EX?

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Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! I feel like calling you a Mother-fuc-ker! but see no reason involving your mother

The gurl is a Dam sorry! the wife!

If the husband is a wife beater, I though the both dated each other! she should had made her decisions before marriage!

And mind you this marriage thing as pronounced in the altar is 'for better for worst!' so was the mess got wrong?

The gurl is jus being foolish.

And also what is the guarantee that she won't do worst?

Let her go and marry her mother!

Something of this nature was posted last month.

Because of a little dis-agreement the gurl wan't to wait for good 4 months before she forgive the boyfriend gosh

As you said marriage is pronounced for better for worst, that's o.k.This is now the woman's worst, why should'nt the man take it and forgive or is marriage for better for worse only for women?

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well i must say tht this is very easy

the lady in question made a very silly and silly move, a woman who is newly married should definitely have this in mind tht in relationships nad marriages there are good times and badd times, so have a little misunderstanding with her husband does not mean she has to go running down to her parents like a weeeping baby.

most men want to know tht their wives are strong and can help pull them through, through tough times, she in question made two mistakes running to her mum and not been there 4 her man when he needed her most.

so do not blame the man for seeking comfort in the ex gurlfriends.he is free to marry another, but pls tell him if he is going to do tht he and the lady should be very prayerfull this time , lol, simply because a womans thought are very deep and deadly went they feel theyve been hurt or double crossed by another woman .

im a nigerian, they are very diabolical. im not saying the lady is but everyone has to be careful cos u can never trust anyone i mean anyone ,

and for the lady i hope she has learnt her lessons to be patient and enduring when u know u love tht person . she shouldnt bother going back to her husband because i promise her he is a man ,he can neva love her like he did. except she can leave with him like tht and have tht foolish nigerian mentality tht with time le will grow to love me again . she will definitly be doing herself harm than good , TELL HER TO CUT HER LOSESS AND MOVE ON.

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No woman needs to ask permission to leave her own home. thay both were disrespectful of eachother. she should have told him why and at least checked on her mother-in-law. he shouldnt have brought his ex back into his life. they should cut thier losses and move on with thier lives.

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my own advice is that you should forget about the first wife.

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is the women cash and carry property?

the OP never said what particular relationships issues they were having. It's pretty suspicious the ex-gf was "available" to help.

I honestly can't blame either side.  lots of marriages fail within 5 years.

They both should move on with their lives.

na by force? what if the husband na ike turner?

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There is no love in the foundation of the marriage, six months it is too early for a marriage to breakup, the wifes mother err, she ought to have advice her daughter better, if she was no tolerant she would have not have the daughter for her husband, the marriage foundation lack deep love, no point resolving such issue.

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Well, my friend peoplay lay out rules when getting married. I think they are both immature. Dot get involved in a love bout

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question is:

is there no other elder in your family?

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For the information of anyone out there;

A marriage is in the heart not in anything else; some so called boyfriend - girlfriend relationships are actually MARRIAGES while some co-habitants front and because they've had some sort of "church" or "traditional" ceremonies call themselves married - BUT they know the truth!

Once a third-party has a say in any relationship between two people; It can no longer function as a marriage - they may front it and decieve people BUT they themselves know they are just co-habitants.

That guy should be left alone to be with his wife ( The one you call his girlfriend) or whoever he wants, but do not talk him into taking back that LovePeddler - as a matter of fact HE WONT.

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I dont even know why this should be an issue in the first place;

That woman that left is NOT his wife; she is just a low-life prostitute - and so is most of this young girls that have that kind of ties with their mothers (who happens to be their pimps).

Secondly, he has every right to marry whoever he feels is by him or can be by him when all is down. This is his life we are talking about; we can either make him a story and let him rot away in confusion OR tell him to be a man he is supposed to be and follow his instincts.

Any woman that another woman can tell to keep away from her husband and she agrees IS A PROSTITUTE AND THE OTHER WOMAN IS HER love-vendor PERIOD!

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what a funny senerio how can a man that said he is just leaving a bad marriage jump into another marriage.what is the guarantee that the new angle will always be angelic.hum sometin is wrong somewhere.i think they are both at fault and it is better to settle and if they cant settle i guess the woman is still young if she doesnt want a polygamus home let her file for divorce and remarry that is not the only man in the world but it could be a sin.so i think she should settle and go back home,the mind too should be careful he must be a womanizer

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I dont understand why you would even contemplate putting God in the same pedestal as human beings. God is forgiving, and took back Peter to the fold, after his betrayal, because he had repented. So, all these stuff that you are making up about Judas Iscariot being the 13th and all that, is wrong!

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such immature people shouldn't be married

this is an atrocity! they both weren't prepared for

the commitment and hard work that marriage requires. This is

the root of the problem. They both need to grow up!

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No need to rant, and I hope I didn't sound offensive in my earlier post. I'm just pointing out that you shouldn't say, "Jesus wasn't comfortable with him again", the fact of the matter is that Jesus , being the Son Of God, would have known how God himself chooses to forgive. God forgives and forgets and doesnt feel "uncomfortable" around us sinners because he knows we are mere humans. God knows our nature and this is why he chose to forgive AND forget - PERMANENTLY.

U mentioned Peter, if He was truly uncomfortable with Peter, he would never have made him the "Rock upon which I will build my church." Peter realized that he had made a mistake and repented. And Jesus forgave him wholeheartedly, and also promoted him, among other things.

Also, the story of the Prodigal Son can't be out of context , because i was trying to use it to show how God sees each and every one of us as his children. Yes, we are adopted children, but children nonetheless. The point of the story is to show the manner of how Jesus forgives us and how he treats us after we have fallen and run back to him crying. He puts us back in our former position and helps us begin again but he is never "uncomfortable " with us.

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Both parties are at fault: Your relation refused to settle any medical bills that she incurred during her miscarriage. And, she did not comfort him when his mom was on her dying bed. But, I'd say, she is willing to make amends for her misdeeds. Let your relative have an open heart and reconcile with her. Let them talk to their pastor over this issue. Though the situation is painful, it can be overcome with prayers, love and forgiveness.

I wish them well.

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walahi , in islam you are allow to marry new wife, she is not a good wife. and she does not come from a good family. when you get married to a woman , do you marry her family. NO. family should learn how to mind thier business.

in islam let her mother marry her, in islam you are allowed new wife.

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isn't marriage for better or for worst? unless of course you are about to die in it!

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Most people need to get their brainbox serviced when it comes to marriage.

All the concerned in this thread has made an error -error 101-  

Meanwhile, its left for your brother to take his dicision personally because he alone will stand at the judgement throne to give account of what he has done on earth, all you need to is tell him because God has set u as a watchman over him according to Ezekiel 33 vs 1-3 and that u have done. In addendum, pls let him read the the book Ezekiel 33 further.

Good luck.

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I don't know much with these adults claiming they have the right to say what goes on in marriages. If it is so, why are they behaving like people who are not in yet? Everyone should say something whether in or not in. Have the woman and her mom found out the guy is not a wife-beater any more? Every little thing you see the women running back to their moms. Of course the dad won't allow this and was never there, I know. When I was young, my mom always didn't stop embarrassing us and my Dad by heading home to her Mama. It is bad! Women only and always do what attract beating and often come with their own definition-he beats me. Am still not at par what marriage. Run off when I hear the M word. It scares my pant off.

Since the feller's ex is not any better-why do we marry sef? Women know that there are all bad oh!

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Yes, I repeat - there is a difference between forgiving someone and feeling comfortable with them. Yes, Christ was never comfortable with Judas after the betrayal and the other disciples also, were never comfortable with him either - no one would be comfortable with someone who betrayed them, ok! As for welcoming Judas back into the fold, I meant Christ doing business with him as he had always done prior to the betrayal and the Bible didn't tell us that Christ spoke to him again after that event.  Again, the same thing happened with Peter.  He was not comfortable with Peter when he denied him at his trial.   Peter denied Christ three times as the rooster crowed and Christ told Peter 'Get thee behind me, satan'. If he was comfortable with these kind of people, how could he use such words?  No one is comfortable with anyone that betrays them, period.  It's human nature, Christ showed his human side when he was here on earth with us. In the context of the prodigal son's story, I would say that your arguement is out of context.  The prodigal son was someone else's son and parents can forgive and take their children back any time however, Judas Iscariot was the 13th disciple - a servant not Christ 's son though, Christ forgave him, the Bible did not say they were good friends afterwards, did it? Well, that's the difference. Excuse me, Mr, you are not the only one with a bible, every Christain has one I suppose, and should read it and make their own interpretations.

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First of all she is not his wife, secondly she is a prostitute, thirdly he is free to get married to the person he knows stood by him in difficult times.

If he knows what is good for him, he should stay away from that lady; women with such ties to their mothers always end up jumping from home to home and end up single mothers, they are basically prostitutes and the love-vendor is their mother.

Its dead simple

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what is she begging for? she wasn't there for him when he needed her and what gives us the guarantee she would be with him when tougher times come. besides she left 6 months after their marriage which i believe is still meant to be the honeymoon period. D babe no try oh!

But we dont know what caused d arguement anyway, but i personally believe he should not take her back.

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@ The Blessed ;

             

                       The Bible never said that Jesus was not comfortable with him and did not welcome him into the fold again. This couldn't have happened since Judas killed himself after Jesus's death. In other words, Jesus and Judas never set eyes on each other again in the physical realm. Besides, if Jesus was uncomfortable  with Judas, and never welcomed him back into the fold, that would be a great contradiction of the story of the Prodigal Son, wouldn't it?

@ Poster ; you mentioned that they had known each other for 6 years before coming together. That means that whatever disagreement they had must have been severe. If you are able to court each other for 6 years, then you should at least know how to come to a compromise when it comes to arguments. Something out of the ordinary must have been said or done to make the wife pack out.  Any info on what that was?

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Ok, thanks for making things clearer yet, I'm still no supporter of 'only child' movement.  I am one of eleven children and I have one child myself.  I know what I'm talking about - they are very selfish individuals.  It's upto whoever ends up with them to deal with but I can't wait to be proven wrong.

As for him saying he's put down dowry, on the other one, that's lies he'd done nothing however, he is considering the idea - no doubts.

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To answer your question I would like to say 'Yes' traditional marriage is legally recognised in Nigeria. 

Nigerian Constitution allows four different kinds of marriages:

a) Church wedding (the so called White Wedding).

b) Muslem or Islamic Wedding.

c) Registry Office Wedding (Again, so called Court Wedding).

d) The Baba of them all, TRADITIONAL Wedding (As most people end up with

    this kind).

Nigerian law protects everyone on any of these weddings however, the problem has always been with enforcing the law when difficulty arises.

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thablessed, apparently my initial post seems ambiguos. My relation is an only child and is the husband.

To others, great posts, keep em coming. Even b4, the guy married, the mom had not been in a very fit state (she could not attend the wedding). Also, the wife and him courted for 6 years b4 coming together and she knew his mother pretty well. The wife has realised she made a mistake and has apologised to the guy, my brother, but he would not hear of it. He is just mad that she was not there for him when his mum needed help most.

He has informed me that he has paid the new girl's dowry - but I dont believe him since none of us (his relations) went with him; moreso I dont believe any right thinking family would want to give away their daughter when there is a present bereavement.

I shall see my brother at the burial - meanwhile folks pls keep the comments coming, they are helping me to view other perspectives

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Sorry to hear of your loss!  Please, accept my condolence!  As a member of this club seven years ago, I lost my mother to CVA too and I know what you are going through.  Every loss is too painful however, the loss of a mother shakes and rocks your world to it's foundations.  No one understands it until it happens to them but time is the healer though, you'd never heal completely.

Considering this situation, as a Christain, I would forgive her but trust is an issue here.  THEY SAY THAT A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND IN DEED however, in this case it does not seem so.  This is one reason, I would not support any of my relatives marrying an 'Only child', male or female.  THEY ARE VERY SELFISH INDIVIDUALS - check it out!

These people don't know how to share as they'd never shared before in their lives nor being in a situation they had to share what they have with others.  You learn the act of 'give and take from childhood but in her case, she had no other sibblings to enable her experience this act so, what makes anyone think she would learn this now? You can't learn to use your left hand (assuming you're right handed or vice versa) in old age besides, A LEOPARD NEVER CHANGES ITS SPOTS.  Selfish people are selfish people, period!  Someone who deserted me when I needed them would never be considered a friend anymore though, I would forgive but there would never be any more closeness.

As far as am concerned, its a form of betrayal and I took my cue from the biblical betrayal Our Lord Jesus Christ suffered in the hands of Judas.

Yes, Our Lord Jesus Christ did forgive Judas but he never felt comfortable with Judas afterwards nor did he welcome him back into his fold and we know what happened to Judas after that experience therefore, SUPPORT MY BROTHER TO MOVE ON TO GREATER THINGS,   

A good wife/husband should stay with her/his husband/wife 'THICK AND THIN', that's what I say.  She is not ready for marriage neither is she prepared for the commitments.  It seems she just want only the good part of marriage without the urgly part but, you can't have one without the other. Every marriage has it's own issues but you deal with it as adults not running home to MAMA as that can cause more trouble because when there are three people are in a marriage, na TROUBLEOOOO!

PLEASE, BROTHER MOVE ON AND FIND A SUITABLE WIFE  however, based on the situation you are in right now, DON'T LET YOUR HEART RULE YOUR HEAD.

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What i find particulary interesting is the fact that he said they only had a traditional marriage

"He replied that he was not bound by such beliefs, moreso as he was only married traditionally".

Is traditional marriage recognized legally? I am not sure if it is ,because i know that for your wedding to be legally recognized, it has to be a white or court marriage even though traditionally marriage is the way things are officially done in nigeria.

its sad that the wife walked out, for whatever reason. i think that the family of the man and the lady could have effectively sorted out the issue before it got out of hand. Like most people rightly observed, we do not know what was going on in the marriage, but once the mans mom became ill, that was a good opportunity for all differences to be kept aside.

I am a lady, but i will say that the babe no try sha. even if she wasnt going to get back with him, she should have made an effort, no matter how little to help the mom (if they were not on good terms, she should have made a move. if her offer to help was rejected, then her actions would have been justified ).

As for the man and his ex- well i cant blame him too much. yes he is married (traditional marriage: we knw pple who have broken off their engagement after a traditional wedding) and should have refused help from her, but the truth is, when you are vulnerable and people are kind to you, you cant help but develop feelings for them.

I think that if they can sort out their issues, that will be perfect, if not then maybe they should call it quits before they make themselves more miserable than they are

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I think another question to be asked is, what's the relationship between the wife and mother-in-law like?

The mum-in-law might be giving her hell (reason for her leaving when she was pregnant till she heard of her death), she was possibly praying that the trouble with her mother in law gets over with soon and here, her prayer was answered and she came back.

Guy, i am totally in support of Jumie's point of view, don't jump into another marriage when you have the chance to make the one you have work. you don't even know the role your ex has to play in this moving out thing, so please, have a good talk with your wife, know the real reason for her leaving, understand each other and have a blissfull marriage.

Best wishes

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@Amalone

There's no need for name calling. Am sure you aint married and you sound very young! You have little knowledge on what marriage is all about.

Some posts are better left for knowledgeable people to handle. Some of us have been married for years and have better and clear understanding of how to have a blissful home.

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There is no sin that is unpardonable as far as Christianity is involved.

Husband and wife is bound to each other except death do them part, so if any of them abandons each other and remarries, it is adultery.

That is why Christians should worship in churches where the real truth is been preached.

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@Topic

If this story was told exactly how it happened, then the guy has no reason to take the wifey back, she should go marry her mom. This marriage thing, pple jump into it without having an inclination of all it takes and involve. (PATIENT, ENDURANCE, LOVE, TOLERANCE AND UNDERSTANDING) jus the least.

The girl was totaly wrong, the best time to make peace and settle scores would have been when the guy came back for her, but alas she stuck gun with her mom, now d gun don break kwoo??

Well, the guy might also be making his greatest mistake by jumping quick into another marriage and especially to the ex- who was there when he opted to marry the present, (or a questiion off destiny)

Ask him to take heart and be wise in his decision making. May God direct him.

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@Poster

You've got me into this rooster and bull fictitious thread. however, your thread seems so pathetic sob story pertinent to the guy. your thread could be a joke but worst things than this happens amongst couples. she really defined the kind of marriage she had preferred "FOR BETTER AND NOT FOR WORST" it happens every day in some matrimonial home and at last you will see the monster running back to the very home she abandoned. i knew of a guy who lost his capital in business years back. as a result of that, the wife left him. but right now, the guy is back on his feet big time. now the previous Naughty Person came back knocking on the door for a second chance, what for?. women are fond of this dispeccable act but the truth is that no woman wants to be alone so why not exercise patience and hope for the better.

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As a christian we are, there is no sin that we cannot forgive, didn't he see the first gf before coming to marry his wife, the former gf is just an intruder and for crying out loud, the lady realize her mistakes and begs for forgiveness, let ur cousin forgive her. Everyone is prompt for mistake, tomorrow may be his turn to fall. thats my own little contribution.

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well personally i feel that leaving ur husband, wasnt just her mom alone, she was in agreement, so why does she want to come back, she made the choice long before now, so let her take a hike, and jump from the nearest bridge ,

Gy tell ur relation (or u) let her get the hell out,

he has just found his real wife , who was with him through the rough and tough

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Still waiting on the other side of the story. Who leaves a marriage after a simple argument? and doesnt return even when your mum is at death's door? and why are ex girlfriends so quick to re surface any chance they get?

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Your relation is only making matters worse by rushing into another marriage. Just because his ex stood by him during one challenge does not mean that she is any better his wife. Besides, you are probably not telling the whole story. Is your relation a wife beater? Cos no parent will be in a hurry to send their daughter back to a wife beater.

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the answer is clear to you yourself, her running elter-skelter now is medicine after death.

http://mycomputersworld.blogspot.com

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If the man takes her back, she'll do it again. . . probably a worse version.

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I cant understand how some mothers act, keep her daughter away from the man they handed her over to.

Dude does the wife have a father? and what was his contribution to this mess.

I personally would not take such a wife back as it seems she was even happy the mother was dead otherwise why rush back when her husbands mother died and another girl in the corridor

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Why would a woman leave her matrimonal home because of an argument? To top it all she was pregnanat. What kind of mother would allow her daughter to stay with her just after 6 months of marriage? She should have helped them resolve the problem instead of escalating it.

Well like some1 said

I hope she and her mother have a happy married life

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I hope she and her mother have a happy married life

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What advice are u looking for, if your wife left you and still refused to come back knowing you mum was ill and decided to return when she felt she was being replaced, would you open your arms and receive her? Please, at least tell her to go and beg and explain herself , by herself. You weren't there when she was making her prior decisions, she did that all on her own. People should learn to take responsibility for their actions.

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