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Should I Still Play The Foolish Woman?

I’m a white woman married and in love to an Igbo-man for more then 3 years now.

When we met we were talking about everything what happened in our life. He told me about his marriage to an Igbo-woman and his children. And that his marriage was failed because of his long time abroad so that he has noticed that she was cheating on him. Of course he’s still taking care of his children what is very important for me too. I don’t like irresponsible men. So I did everything to support him to be a good father.

Unfortunately after a while I had to face the truth that he was lying to me and that he is still a husband to his nigerian wife, making her pregnant everytime he was travelling to Naija. I’m a strict protestant woman, educated with strong moralities by my parents. I’m not able to abide lying, cheating, taking advantage and so on. I tried to speak to him but he denied that I was right with my presumptions. It’s causing me heartaches, tears, stomach pain and sleepless nights to think about what is right or wrong to do. Any advices?

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33 answers

Yes, I also notice that its quite rare for an Asian to get married to a Black cause both really value family cultures and practices. However Ive seen peeps like Kimora Lee Simmons. . . Her mom is half Japanese and half Korean and her gfather is black but still they both got seperated when Kimora is still very young. . .

But do Blacks find Asians attractive?

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If you mean Asians, they generally dont go generally for black people but I believe (not sure) that they value family life the same way many Nigerians do.

Its different from the European/American thing where marriage is only about convenient and they dissolve the union as soon as they sense any inconvenience - has its advantages and disadvantages.

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Hello poster, I think the best advice is the one you give to yourself. In a world where judgement are based on common stories, where people judge others based on their fellow men deeds, I suggest you beware of the advice you receive. It can either tear your marriage to pieces or build it up. Your man may be right or wrong.Think before you act.

If you are so interested in learning IGBO, I can teach you that. But please think well before you make the next move. LOVE and MARRIAGE has the highest volume of book. Men can never finish the book even in his/her incarnation.

Take care of yourself. I wish you luck

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How about black guys and asians? My aunt got married to a Jamaican for 20+ years and their still together? and my friend is married to a Nigerian and she is a malaysian and both migrated to Dubai and they have 2 boys and 2 girls and they are married for 8 years and still together.

White. Uhm. . . Am not sure if Ive seen one that is stil going strong but yeah. . . What is your opinion about blacks getting married to yellow's?

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Even the girls who meet the guy's family end up being dumped after some years not to mention this one wey no even sabi where the guy from drop.

I've travelled around Europe quite extensively and I can attest that Nigerian male/white female relationships are statistically doomed from the start. You can call it what you want and find any escuses you like, maybe becos you are currently infatuated, it still doesn't remove the fact.

They always start and think that the whole world is a funground for them till after the marriage and things kick in.

These things dont work!

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hate is one thing but also having an unfair way and no justice to enter and visit most countries is a problem and theres no rights at all.

U just say whatever you feel like saying cause you dont know how your feelow brothers and sisters feels especially those whom did not do anything wrong to begin with. They go to other people's countries and get treated like dirt all because of a few rotten apples.

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True, only one out of 1000 couples divorce in Igboland.

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@poster, Sure this is all your own doing. If you had of done some research you would have copped on that no igbo families get divorced (very very few) did you not wonder why he wasnt bringing you to Nigeria? this is now a matter for the immigration autorities.

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BTW, men all over the world claim the wife cheated on them when they want sympathy from a woman. I always assume this is a lie unless it can be verified.

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If your heart will bear the pain, then leave him there is little gain in staying with someone who is obviously playing with your emotions.

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Dear Ariya, I'm very sorry for the deception you have suffered, both from the man and from ur self. It matters little now how you got to this point, but rather how you get out. First, this whole situation will hinge on love, not love for him but love by you for yourself. It sounds like you got here by not loving yourself first and loving him and his needs above your own. Please, love yourself first and then you will pick men worthy of you. Now, as to his papers, I am very skeptical they are authentic. It makes no sense that he would marry and refuse to make babies with you. He is using you. Leave the guy because marriage built on deceit is not marriage at all.

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@ Poster

Eya! I really do feel for you

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Sorry u fell victim to this . . You were too gullible. .u should have been more inquisitive about him however in most case most Nigerian men are well versed in this deception usually for the papers but yours is quite unusual I must say

Further proof of he’s deceit was when he didn’t want you to learn Igbo or acknowledge you to he’s family. . that is not the trait of a true Nigerian man

He really didn’t want any string attached

You‘ve got no choice but to confront him with this ummm evidently I m afraid crash is just an event waiting to happen

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i empathise with you but have little or no sympathy for you.

how much of a hypocrite are you? do you think all Nigerians are fools?

you said you are a strict protestant. im sure you know that prostestants dont have sex before marriage. dont even deny you didnt.

if you are going to claim 'born again' or 'strict prostestant' im afraid you have failed to live as one.

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@ Poster: U're continued investment in this man will only lead you to heartache. [b]Some [/b]Nigerian men don't like being alone, so this one has found comfort in you, and being from that select breed of insincere men with no conscience, he hasn't factored in your life and what u'll get from all this.

If you want kids, and you want to be happy, and not end up bitter and alone, tell him you know what he's about and thank him for making a fool out of you, don't believe the bullshit that will come from his mouth or any attempts at blaming you or even feigned remorse ( because it will come), just tell him u know it all, thank him for trying to snatch your ability to trust, but inform him that he hasn't succeeded ( And please believe that he has not succeeded) and tell him you'll try again and then WALK AWAY WITH YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH.

If he's not a complete slowpoke, he'll come clean and be forthright with you, and you should get the security you deserve.

If he is a complete slowpoke, then you're better off. You'll find the right person for you, one who appreciates your commitment to making a healthy and happy home, as long as you're not afraid to take that step.

If you do nothing, i wish you the very best, Goodluck!

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"Have you considered the fact that he says that because he already has his kids back home in Nigeria and he doesnt want to commit or further complicate his relationship with you if kids are involved."

Yes, I've thought about it. I should be grateful so it's easier to leave him and to move on without kids getting hurt (there's no ironic button, o!) and yes I'm european woman and citizenship papers weren't faked. Do you know that nearly 65 % of marriages in Europe are divorced? We are used to this fact and are handling it different. We start new relationships without suspecting that there is still a connection to former husband or wife - even if kids are involved! It's hard to explain and to understand if you'e never lived in Europe.

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The man fit get fake citizenship papers. There are lots of them in Germany, Netherlands and other European countries. . .

Ariya, are you European?

Foreign women always do these things believing that their love will see them through anything and then after marriage, they realise that they cant really stand the rubbish. It's done all over Europe everytime.

Some of them know from the start that the guys are never likely to stay with them for long but they try decieving themselves by blotting out the fact. When the fact arrives, they then start their complaints.

How do you seriously marry someone who dissuades you from visiting his family? Is that not enough for any woman to know that the man is irresponsible for not wanting to involve his family in his marriage or for hiding his family from his own wife?

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lady i feel for you. looks like you either put up with his nonsense or leave. you are better off leaving imo. sorry, such is life.

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When we met he has still his citizenship. It wasn't necessary to marry me.

No, we don't have kids. "Mixed kids" are "lost kids" to him because they would be raised up in european culture which is quiet different to african culture. Sounds complicated, abi?

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Yes, either his Igbo-wife or maybe a second Igbo-wife he married the last three years or which was married by his family for him? I'm puzzled about this culture (poligamy) and I'm angry about all the lies he was telling me. I'm so damned straight and honest I could slap myself. I think it was his duty to explain me about his culture at the beginning,

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spike, she said it already.

maybe using you to get his green card/citizenship? do you have kid or kids with him? don't forget your alimony and child support.

i think the man is playing you if one has to go by what you said in your first post. it is abt time you guys start suiing your nig husbands example thiscase.

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Who told you that I wasn't interested to meet his relatives in Naija? HE doesn't want me to take there, I've asked so many times for travelling,

How I'm able to confírm? It's easy if your man is telling you that there is NO DIVORCE in Nigeria. Especially if you're married for more then 10 years and his wife gave birth to I think 5 kids now! So after 3 years he does admit to be still married to her.

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you dont have to give up hope just yet without actually knowing whatz up.so i still think you should hear what he has to say before you take any decision or, maybe your suspicion is due to language barrier that is why you are suspecting him.

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Talking about things is different from what the reality often turns out to be. Even where men are not in search of anything, they can still pretend to be what they are not, so what do you expect when you know next to nothing about a man except what he tells you? Even after getting married, you were not interested in him enough to want to visit his parents and relatives?

Anyway, you're past that stage now. I hope you dont get hurt eventually

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but you should know that when you are dealing with a nigerian man,you have to be very careful and scutinize what he says if its true or false.

@ekakids

Thanks for your answer. You're right - I had to do that but I didn't - my fault.

How can I still believe in a common future? Plus I don't want to share my husband's love with 1, 2 or whatelse number of other women. Therin I allow myself to be selfish.

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am so sorry that you have to go through all the pains.but you should know that when you are dealing with a nigerian man,you have to be very careful and scutinize what he says if its true or false.this does not mean that there are not sincere nigerian men oh!!! wha i want to know is,how did you find out about the truth?who ever told you was probably helping you to see the man you are dealing with clearly.try and really get to know the truthf rom him then you can make the decision yourself if you still want to remain a fool or become a wise woman before you hurt more than you have already.

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How were you able to confirm that he is still married to his Nigerian wife?

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As I said we were talking about everything before marriage. Shouldn't I believe what he was telling me? I do know some members of his family personally. To know all of them is quiet difficult because of the distance. Don't you think there are a lot of pobbilities to hide his Igbo-wife even if I would visit Naija? Maybe he would introduce her to me as his "sister" or "cousin". I'm not this kind of woman who's suspecting every human being.

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Sorry about this deception, just play along as there is nothing much you can do apart from this.

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So if he explained that he has wives, you don't mind then? Case settled!

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