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Should I Tell My Wife?

BEFORE I MARRIED MY WIFE, I PROMISED MYSELF I WASN’T GOING TO CHEAT ON MY SPOUSE. I FINALLY GOT MARRIED TO A GIRL I REALLY LOVED. WE’VE BEEN MARRIED NOW FOR 4 YEARS PLUS AND HAVE 3 LOVELY KIDS (2 BOYS; ONE GIRL).

WHEN WE NEWLY GOT MARRIED, WE USED TO have S.EX OFTEN: AT TIMES 2 TO 3 TIMES A DAY. WE WERE SO HAPPY & ENJOYED THE BLISS & EVERYTHING.

THE PROBLEM STARTED WHEN THE BABIES STARTED COMING. I DISCOVERED THAT MY WIFE’S SEXUAL DESIRE DROPPED SHARPLY—I MEAN SHARPLY. NOW, WE HAVE S.EX BARELY ONCE IN A WEEK OR 2 WEEKS. I TRIED TO COAX HER TO UNDERSTAND, BUT ‘HER SYSTEM CANNOT ADJUST’.  WHEN I ATTEMPT TO, IT IS EITHER HEADACHE, BODY PAIN, FATIGUES (SHE WORKS), SLEEP, OR SIMPLY NOT IN THE MOOD. BESIDES, I LOVE SUCKING & PLAYING WITH THE BREAS.TS MORE THAN ANYTHING. BUT SINCE THIS YEAR, I HAVE NOT TOUCHED IT MORE THAN ONCE. IT’S MOST PAINFUL. IT IS EITHER PAINING HER OR SETTING HER ON EDGE/TICKLING HER UNCOMFORTABLY.

THE PROBLEM NOW IS THAT I HAVE STARTED CHEATING ON HER TO FILL IN THE GAPS FOR ME. I HAVE NEVER BEEN A CASSINOVA AND DON’T ENJOY PHILANDERING. AS A MATTER OF FACT, EACH TIME I AM THROUGH WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, I FEEL SO GUILTY WITH A BATTERING CONSCIENCE. I’M NOT LIKE THE OTHER MEN OUT THERE. AT TIMES, I SOB WITHIN. THERE WAS A DAY SHE SAW I HAD TEARS DROPPING OFF MY EYES. WHEN SHE ASKED ME, I PARRIED THE ISSUE.  MEANWHILE, AFTER DOING IT, I STILL APPEAR THE INNOCENT MAN I USED TO BE BUT I FEEL SO GUILTY. I HATE MYSELF B/C I KNOW IT’S BAD PHYSICALLY/EMOTIONALLY/ PSYCHOLOGICALLY/ SPIRITUALLY.

IN FACT, ONE OF THE GIRLS NEARLY BLACKMAILED ME BUT GOD STILL SAVED ME FROM THAT.

RIGHT NOW, I FEEL BAD & ASHAMED ABOUT MY ESCAPADES.  I KNOW IT ALL STARTED WHEN OUR SE.X LIFE DROPPED DRASTICALLY, BUT THAT PROBABLY IS NOT AN EXCUSE. I WOULDN’T HAVE MINDED HAVING IT WITH HER 3 TO 4 TIMES A WEEK, BUT IT IS NOT WORKING.

WHILE I THINK OF OTHER MEASURES TO DELIVER MYSELF FROM THIS NONSENSE, PLEASE, I NEED YOUR CANDID ADVICE WITHOUT ABUSES AND CARICATURES:

- SHOULD I TELL HER THE HARM THIS ‘ABSTINENCE’ HAS BEEN CAUSING IN OUR MARRIAGE?

- WILL THIS ENCOURAGE HER TO CHANGE?

- OR WILL IT TEAR OUR MARRIAGE APART?

I AM WORRIED, B/C I STILL LOVE MY WIFE SO DEARLY, AND DON’T WANT MY INNOCENT KIDS TO FACE THE TRAUMA OF SEPARATION IF THE WORST COMES TO HAPPEN. I FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT THIS.

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79 answers

@Poster

Don't batter yourself. You are not guilty of anything. To understand what you're going through in your marriage, visit this website below :

www.womensinfidelity.com

Everything you need to know about your wife's current behavior is explained there by a WOMAN!

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wow. nice thread, read tru it all.goo 2 know that u r ok with ur wife now.

so@ poster, did u confess?, how did she take it?

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Nice to know that this thread is still on.

Honestly, things are changing gradually. I have learnt a lot from wonderful guys here who gave me wonderful advice. I thank everybody for their concern. Of particular mention are ivynwa & funkysamy, who both (among others who wrote earlier) understood my innocence & gave their magic advice. I appreciate u guys. like I always mentioned in this post, I have not been a bad guy. I therefore promise to be nice and good to my family.

God is still in control.

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Dont try that oh! Hmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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      The problem of the poster of this thread and that of Ayodele are almost the same and it all boils down to the attitude and perhaps the feelings/hormonal changes/societal influences on the women in these marriages. As long as there is no change in these women this problem will never go away just like in the case of Ayodele who has even resigned to his fate and accepted it as a cross. I think that if great effort is made to enlighten, counsel, admonish these women that they will definitely realize their mistakes and in cases where it is a medical problem, medical treatment can help out. The man should do his best( in injecting back romance back into the nitty gritties of domestic life that goes with having children around) as Ndeewonu has followed some good advice here and if that fails, go extra miles to employ the help of doctors, marriage counsellors and even wiser and more mature women(1 or 2) that can come in and advise these women. A schoolmate of mine whose marriage was about crashing as a result of her carelessness turned over a new leaf after a mature woman in her street talked sense into her.

        I am not supporting that the extramarital affairs these men were pushed into should be confessed to their wives but if they were given enough instances of such happenings in marriages during the counselling and wise advise-giving sessions they will understand the risks they have been exposing their marriage to just like every woman that reads these kinds of threads can take wisdom from such. Most of the times, the problems some wives have are basically lack of some bits & pieces of knowledge and experiences of others. I am sure that if they are aware of these temptations these men are wallowing in, they will be more open to satisfying their men. It's not fair on goodly men like Ndeewonu and Ayo to be going thru these really, Ayo is such a darling that even when he wanted more children he meekly accepted the poor cross and is bearing with just a child, this is a very serious issue that should not be accepted as a cross like that. It's one life we have got to live, if one is able to keep body and finally gets married, that person deserves utmost sexual satisfaction in marriage, temptations like these should be fought hard out of the way with all available resources. It seems to me that these resources have not been exhausted in these cases and some parties are packing up the tents and accepting it. I believe it can be solved with God's help too.

        In addition, while we all socialize and get more knowledge from this beautiful forum, the internet and other mediums let the wives be encouraged to come and interact in places like this too, education shouldn't end when schooling ended. Reading 10 good quality and educative threads in Nairaland can enlighten housewives.

Oh! we even have a smarter lady in the house(in the quotation below) who learned from experience and knowledge, which is part of solving this kind of problem. I mean pampering her, begging her, giving her treats, shedding frustrated tears before her are good but if that doesn't move her other measures like impacting knowledge, counsellling, medical help may do.

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If you are quitting the affairs you are having at the moment you can decide not telling her now, secondly you have to imagine what happens to your marriage after opening up to her.

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Hello

i honestly can feel you and i empathise with you, even though i am a woman, but i am going through the same trends in my marriage; mine is worse because i never slept with anyman in my life till i was 26 years old and that was a year to my marriage and it was this my same husband that disvirgined me, so i was never a sex - sex person and just like ur case; one year or less into our marriage the issues started my hubby started sleeping with girls; in my own case i quickly noticed because we were very close and i saw those signs and i also discovered majorly from his phone and calls, so i started asking him; but note that before this times he always called me to tell me about the fact that he wasnt getting it as much as he would have loved to and something sex related issues(i am ok with once a week, i could try and adjust to two or maybe three, but he insists on everynight; no matter how tired he is after work not minding the fact that he comes home late everyday; or if he cant have it everynight; every other night will do)

anyway not to bore you; he confessed to me once or twice and initially it shocked me becos i knew he truly loved me, but let me tell you that i have not trusted him again since then, but his confession jottled me and made me to sit up and i made up my mind to give it to him however he wants it and whenever even if he doesnt ask for it; i know i have to make the move (i am doing this just to keep my marriage and to give him little or no excuse to cheat) and i think recently things are better much better and one funny thing is that i am beggining to see it as part of me and not just getting used to it but also enjoying it more than before; we also have two kids

i gave u my own background for you to be able to decide whether to tell your wife or not; ask yourself whether she has the liver to bear it and from what u know about her would telling her make her decide to change? my hubbys confession disspointed me and reduced my trust but i never allowed it to show in my relations with him; i only used it to teach my self to always give an allowance in relating with ppl; it is the ppl that u love the most that hurt u the most

another thing is that cheating on her will not solve the problem; u will be creating another problem or many other problems by doing that; in short i would tell you that busybody's advice is worth millions simulate the crying situation and do say what she advised u to say and do; watch your wife after that and if after a while she still does not change

you can decide to bring in people she respects to talk to her and i mean people you can trust; let them help you to talk to her and counsel her; for her to know the danger she is exposing her marriage to

i believe all this will work with prayers and much show of love from your angle, pamper her and let her fall in love with you again, realise that you dont have any choice other than to make your marriage work i mean no alternative, if you realise that u will do all u can to make the only solution work which is ur marriage

i commend you greatly because i can see ur passion and desire to change and make things work, judging from ur consistency and all your post; i should also tell you that you have got to work on ur urges; life is not all about sex, you have the responsibility to control ur actions and passion; that is the hall mark of maturity control ur urges and they will not control you. the problem you refuse to deal with today will deal with you tomorrow; i know u dont want to catch HIV or have illegal children do u? they are not worth the satisfaction that comes from having illegal sex

i sincerely wish u the best; get closer to God and divert ur attention to things u like doing maybe singing, playing musical instruments, sports and athletics or web design or something new that will keep u occupied and will serve as a stress reliever to you.take kia

I HOPE U READ THIS PLS DO LET ME KNOW IF U FIND IT HELPFUL! PLS THANKS

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The evils of allowing married women to work!

"She works, comes back tired and stressed out" how could she now be in the right physical or emotional frame to mate? She is making money for the family so allow her have some rest, you cant eat your 'akara' and have it back.

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Don't transfer your guilt over to your wife, phaggot. Tell her you don't deserve her and end the relationship, then proceed to feel miserable with a guilty conscience for the rest of your life.

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Cheating can never be the solution to your problem. By your own admission you love your wife, but I doubt that it is true love. If it were you'd remember that marriage is for better for worse, for when she feels and sex and when she doesn't. What you shoulda done was to have had a heart to heart with her as to how you seriously needed to be intimate, bearing in mind also that after child birth some women go through unbelievable trauma. Communication is the key. No sane woman would want her husband cheating on her, she probably would have done her best to satisfy you.

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How could you put the entire family in such a risk for your selfish gain? Did you love, cherish and paid the bride price of your wife?

Pls stop the cheating and relate with your wife on this issue. Such escapades are too risky in this age. LEARN MAN.

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@ poster.

Se'x is good but over se'x is bad. u want ur wife to change? are u ready to change also? to my mind what u need to do is to find a middle ground with ur wife on se'x related issues.

u have told urself a lot of lies, the type drunkers n smokers tell themselves that hold them down in distorying habits. u need to adjust ur mind set towards se'x n how ur wife respond to it. this will help u up ur wife's acts n down ur own acts to a middle ground comfortable for u n ur wife.

my own case i feel my wife is over sex than me but as much as I am cool about it, i found out that she cannot stand multiple climax, so when i get down with her I must give her one to last her atleast a week.

guy u r the man work out something. star from what u have now to what u want to have but be considrate of her needs if u want her to consider urs.

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ol'boi you go wound o, but you know what, I'l recommend you telling her only adjust the details a little like you dont sit her down and make her listen to the father of hers kids gropping anoda female,

just let her know you desire her so much, refusal is breaking you up inside

pele good luck

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who said anything abt the wife being innocent?

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Guys, some of the issues u re raising here, I have already answered. She wants 5 or more children. I needed only ONE or TWO. So, b/4 we comment, let us understand the background. Some pple also misquoted me saying that I am asking for s.ex 4 times a day, which I never said. I responded to it severally.

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Didn't go through all the replies, but I'm hoping someone has told this man to go get tested . . . don't want him spreading anything to his poor innocent wife.

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@ poster

you know the truth , be true to yourself

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in 4 years u've had 3 kids, welldone, so if your wife wasnt slowing things down u wld prolly have 10 by now, abeg mister man put ur dick in check and put the effort of having regular sex in working hard to provide food for the kids. and pray those ladies out there dnt add to the count already on ground. nonsense!!!!!!

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@switosman

God bless u a million times.

There's somthing pple do NOT understand. The way you present advice matters. You have said all that Ujujoan amd Agathamari have tried to vomit in a much subtle and concerned way, and yet you have gone the extra mile of administering that soothing balm. I dont know who you are, but I tell u, that's d kind of advice I give people in need.

While I add that most of the questions you raised have been answered, may I still clarify that I only wanted one child, she wanted the others (let me not go into details); I also mentioned in subsequent responses that we have a retinue of househelps and relatives helping out with chores, yet I assist when occasion demands. What do you think? Using the same children I felt are secondary in marriage (yes, I think marriage is a union of two pple who have a common interest) as an excuse for tiredness may not b proper. After all, there are many couples without children who are living very happily.

You have spoken well. In my place, they say "A good piece of advice does not require any response." The only thing I can say is that often, ladies tend to get emotional about issues like that they blatantly unleash their free license of tongue on pple & situations they do NOT understand. Some of the invectives traded were not necessary.

I'm most gr8ful to u.

My brother, I work - hard too. When we just started, we used to hace s.ex 2 to 3 or more daily at times. That kind of programmed the system. When the kids started coming, I obviously expected a drop, to (say) 3 or 4 times a week. From 21x a week to 4 times a week, is it NOT enough concession? Can one say one is not considerate ennough here? 

Also going back to the work issue. A lot of se.x goes on in the work place, so i have heard. I mean in the office, around the office and during working hours anywhere. I know of married men (and also women) who sleep with at least a colleague (or boss/juniors) a day, get home treat their wives (who will obviously not be in the mood or have headache) as a queen, respect her opinion to s.ex as she dictates, yet get back to work the next day to continue their escapades. And this is what I hate.

@All

Tnx H2O2, Tnx Lamii, tnx sweetpeach, again CyberG tnx, Basildon1, Ayo123, texazzpete & many others on this very page; 

And the llikes of Ujujoan, SA Lady & my girlfriend AGATHAM, no love lost. I appreciate your opinion. It's a free word with freedom of speech (what I call free license of tongue). But try and make your point in a more friendly way. For goodness sake, u may even b my sisters out there! Well, I still like to retain the element of anonimity.

It has been gr8 advice tho - whether pour with emotional outbursts or with cannonical admonition. We all learn everyday. I'm not & will not be an encyclopoedia of knwldge.

I still love my wife and am afraid to tell her what happened. I remember Tiger Woods; i remember John Terry. I know she might nt want to file a divorce, but I sure knw she would go thro a lot of emotional trauma & psychological breakdown & incarceration. THe truth is that if someone had told me 5 years ago (even 3 years ago) that I would cheat on my wife, I would nt have believed it. That tells u d stuff I m made of, and d kind of man I am.

Anywa, Keep the lines open.

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Just my opinion:

@poster

have you given thanks to god for your situation. its a bad one but yours is better than someone somewhere.

to me you have no problem when you see people with real problem.

well people are entitled to their opinion; some can cast a thousand stones while some will give a little help. but my fore dads will say,"if a matter results at same point any time it comes up then there need for an appraisal".

we can keep up the circular motions but if it wont get us any solution then its a waste of time n effort.

nairaland is more like a town-hall arena. so lets get it rolling.

think about couples with no intimacy because either the guy cant get erect or the girl is stone frigid.

think about couple with a little intimacy because either the guy cant keep it till she comes or the girl is sour at her joint.

2nd scenario, the guy can suspend that the girl get exhausted n about to faint, even dry up to the point she aches.

think about couples that have got an understanding, "to your tents o Israel" kind of stuff., which we call "OYO" today.ie both couples are catching fun outside the marriage.

then think about a couple that is having a heaven on earth environment in their marriage. this take a lot of energy n time plus wisdom to achieve.

to me all problems got a solution somewhere. if you are ready to pray n think. maybe research it, then its not a problem.

only if you can get your wife to be sincere with you or to a counselor, once the root of the problem is gotten then its bingo. think again, you may be the problem. check the kind of thoughts you harbor or she harbors.

maybe she may need to tune up herself n you tune down yourself to achieve harmony in intimacy. you may need to device new approach or rather rekindle your sense of surprise. you may need to go on a rediscovery trip n when you are through may need what a call "tender heart despoil" to awake her to what she is missing.

do ask yourself, her loss of interest may be out of fear she may get pregnant again. boy you have a lot of work to do unless you have decided to take the lazy man's way n trade blame.

this issue is universal n people that are "blunt " should pray it never comes there way; like my mama used to tell me.

I AM WAITING FOR REPLYS, THANKS

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Hmm! I feel relieved.

Guys, thank u. I felt bad after Agathamari's remarks of invectives & curses. I even offered her a one-on-one talk for her to really understand what I m going thru, but instead she turned hostile. I still have to write this undercover so as not to betray the anonymity. There are certain things I would say here, and the element of secrecy would be lost. Even my wife knows I'm not a womaniser. She knows what I was before I met her; she knows about everything - the promises, the honesty, the fidelity - she knows.  

@CyberG

Two wrongs never make a right. U re a wonderful guy; but I think u attacked her too brutally. She over-reacted and I ignored her. I thank u specially for caring. I only don't knw if you re married. In the heat of the anger, u forgot to put down your personal advice.

@SA Lady, I just saw your post. I've heard u too.

BTW, I thank all of u guys. Ur advice have been wonderful. I was beginning to think I have this uncanny appetite for sex at well over 30yrs. I am doing a lot of things some of u guys recommended, ,

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I still don't understand how some ppl can have s-ex 4 times in a week and hope to sustain that even after 3 kids! Bros do you normally assists your wife in any way at all? Or are you expecting her to still have s,ex with you even after spending most of her time looking after these children. Also i believe if one is very engaged especially working hard i don't know how you could have the time for that amount of s-ex every week!

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@ poster

i painfully understand what u mean the difference is me and my husband have been married for 8mos and have no kids yet intimacy is not on the menu unless i initiate it we have sex maybe twice or three times a month and we both are fairly young i am 23 and he is 25. we fight a lot and he has been distant emotionally i know we have problems yet i can't help but desire my husband still and love him to pieces. thanks nl blessed and plaese pray for us. by

Gods grace we can make it through this

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slave object. if she does not spread her legs as you see fit when you see fit you have every right to use and other property woman as you see fit. your wife is also your maid, cook, and baby making machine. you have no responsibility to spend time with her, comfort her or show her any form of companionship, instead you should spend your life in the brothels and bars bringing home any disease you contract, becoming an alcoholic in the mean time. you should also smoke at home because what is a little second hand smoke (cancer) on top of STD's. after all she is only a piece of property. you heard what you wanted, satisfied now?

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I dont know it is just me or other people feel this way but AGATHAMARI, you have said your piece with many more words than one, forget the fact that your posts are spiteful, i just wonder what joy you derive from laying down thousands of words -u might as well trace his IP and go tell his wife!

Back to the topic, the confession thing is defintely not going to work out at least for now. I may not be knowledgable about these things but you definitely have to practice self-control (nothing is impossible).

you also have to be ingenious, she can make you 'happy' without you humpin her head off, you also have to chill a little more with guys or do something to take your mind off like going to the gym in the evenings, a new physique may even help, arrange family outings too, anything to fill in the gap in non-hurtful way

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what exactly do u want us to say.

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@poster ooooo please listen. Yo are not under attack here. If you read agathamari's post you will realise that there is so much to learn from. These women are merely trying to share light in how women feel about these things. You can decide to be positive or defensive. However it takes a certain level of maturity to understand what women are saying here. This is an opportunity for you to learn my brother take it. Ofcourse they dont have to say only what you want to hear, and I am afraid not all men will agree with you.

I for one am aware that you want to be a better man, and maybe that is who you are and you cant understand the situation you finding yourself in hence you started the thread.

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Attack, attack, attack, mixed with invectives and curses. Na wao!

Guys (not ladies this time), can my problem be b/c I DO NOT Drink (Alcohol) & DO NOT Smoke (cigarette)?

I'm thinking about hanging out late after work, drinking alcohol with buddies, coming home late and quietly going to bed. She knows I dont do that. Mayb, it will help matters. Pls, ladies, I'm NOT asking you now.

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Ouch! @ poster sorry to burst your bubble but agathamari is correct, as hush as she/he may come across. This is what I call calling a spade a spade. Again poster why are you turning this into a gender issue, is it because you want to hear people say its ok to cheat because you are a man?

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Mister,

If you're still engaged in adultery after all these contributions, then you have to be honest with yourself and admit cheating is a game you are committed to playing.

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@ Poster I think your wife is no longer comfortable with her body anymore now that she's had three babies. While she may have enjoyed you touching her bosoms too, after three babies she doesnt look at her bosom and think sexy. She may still be the sexiest thing alive in your eyes even after the babies, the problem is if she doesnt think that way herself you'll continue to hit a brick wall.

If you think I may be right, please try and help her find ways to fall in love with her body all over again, please dont ask me how, I know nothing, just get creative and hopefully things will change,

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My brother,

U have given me one of the best encouragements on this thread, I must say. I appreciate you & your patience. I feel for you too concerning what u explained. But I'm happy u rightly said it is your cross to bear. U re one in a million husbands. God will bless u for that. Your advice touched me so much. I knw i'll be out to give younger pple such advice in future. God will still work miracles in your marriage, I believe.

Concerning this misconception on the number of times for s.ex, noted below, I have thrown more light on it before, but have to touch it again:

On d highlighted, I never said I do or want it 3-4 a day. I said I prefer 3-4 times A WEEK. Check my previous responses on this thread.

I'll 4rever remain gr8ful. God bless a million times. I now know that there are still honourable men. Really u ve made my day. You have. You have. I'm happy. Thanks, & thanks & thanks.

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I want to encourage you to learn from my experience.

i have been married for 12 years and have a daughter aged 11.

My wife has a very low sex drive and intimacy occurs once in 2 weeks that is 25 times in 365 days for the past 12 years and the situation has not changed till date and there is no hope that it will change now that am 45 and she is 42.

And there are periods that no intimacy occur for as long as 8-12 weeks at a stretch because she is not feeling like it.

It was 5 yrs into the marriage that i began to have extra affairs to fill the gap as you did.

I quit those flings 2 years ago and have fully adjusted to my wife's one intimacy round in 2 week routine.And if it does not fall on the day(s) she ovulates,then there is no chance for conception and this probably explains why we still have a child in 12 years.

I wish i could have it like twice a week but what can i do than to adjust.

though its painful despite the adjustment,its my marriage and my cross to bear.

But despite the pain,i am happy with her and we have a cordial relationship

So you are obviously luckier than me. its different strokes for different folks in marriage.

Pls take it easy.learn self control in sex and consider her health to be able to live and care for your children.

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I suggest that you do not tell her cos it may break your marriage if she cannot absorb it calmly.

i had extra marital affairs in the past because my wife had a low sex drive. when i repented of it and turned away from it, i did tell her and she was calm about it but it did not improve her sexuality anyway, so i was back to square one.

But i had a clear conscience before God and before her.It may not work that way in your situation.

Now that you are guilty of the flings, stop it immediately.Confess to God and ask for His forgiveness.He will forgive you but you must not go back to commit adultery again.If you do,It will condemn your eternity to Hell if Jesus comes to find you in that state.

2ndly, you need to learn self-control.You are highly sexually active as many men are but it seems to me that 3-4 intimacy rounds per day is too highly outrageous.That will be about 90 intimacy rounds in a month.Haba!

Are you both engines rather than flesh? Dont you have a job?You have to learn to adjust otherwise you will both look like 70 yrs old when you are 50.Though there is no standard number, i believe that twice weekly is OK.

But how do you expect a woman with 3 kids in 4 years to still have the energy and the drive for 3 intimacy rounds daily.Do you want to send her to an early grave?

Then talk to her and try to reach a compromise about how often and when to have intimacy but dont over do it.Excessive sex is injurious to health in the long run.

Take it easy o!

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It's ok. I'm not fighting u in any way. your advice is good. You only have a wrong impression about me, and that's what makes me feel bad. Truly, my wife knew b/4 I met her that I was nt a womaniser. For years into our marriage, I never tried anything like that until l8ly. I dont expect u 2 believe me. Often, I have no cause to tell lies here; I'm nt a teenager 4 gudness sake. What u shld know is that a person who used to eat 3-square meals a day, & suddenly starts eating 2 or one a WEEK, has cause to be sad, angry and feel dejected.

U may nt understand, u re a lady. Most men will appreciate wht I'm saying. That, nt withstanding, I hv made considerable improvements, based on what pple like u have recommended. I still hurt inside. It's hurting b/c u see ladies jumping on u daily (u dont want), yet sombody dt is bona fide partner for u is not coming forth any longer. That's hell! That's worse than hell.

Let me stop here. Wish I cld talk 2 u or smbody else, to knw hw it's really like. Mail me if u can.

I'm nt seeking pity anything, like u think.

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@Lanre & Texazzpete

I appreciate.

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You haven't exactly been giving mature, 5-star advice here, have you?

Helping him in a mature, decent way is also helping him save his marriage. He's already struggling with guilt, why does piling on more guilt seem like an intelligent idea to you?

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edit all the cheat you had so far and re write this in a more passionate manner and print out give your wife advice her to read several times. If she is not having an affair too she will adjust. Once in a while text her and tell her what you are going through( I know the Masculine ego will come too) But You said you love her ,so you can do more to save this marriage. Those intruder out there are evil,they have nothing to offer.

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Communication is key.

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Look, this woman, u r haunting & condemning me so much. What hv I done 2 u? In short leave me alone to my woes; I will survive it. It's my cross; I guess, I can bear it, I ve already started.

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as to your celabacy (a whopping 12 days worth)- you want a cookie? a gold star? a standing ovation? what? you finaly start acting your age and having atleast a slight bit of respect for your vows and now you want me to throw you a parade?

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This is nt fair to write.

Meanwhile, do u knw I ve nt had s.ex dis month (today is Feb 12)? is dt fair?

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yes drop the chachkes and deal with things manualy if you must untill things get better. not only will that keep you from putting you wifes life in danger from std's but also lowers your changes of prostate cancer. for god sake repent to your wife. she is far more likly to forgive you telling her then WHEN not if but WHEN she discovers it on her own.

as far as my other statement basicaly means i hope you gets warts from you games

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I see coomunication with your wife is important here

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have you ever had a discussion related to this with your wife before?

If not you need to start having close discusion with her and making her know how you feel It help.

You are together in the marriage and for it to work you have to do it together.

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tá súil agam duit deireadh suas le warts giniúna leithscéal leat pathetic le haghaidh an duine a

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i felt your pain, i think what u need is a shrink. and give her time to adjust

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Ndeewonu, I really feel for you and thx for your contribution on my thread. If I was your wife, I would want a full confession ahead of a reconciliation to build what was lost. Recently,we heard that John Edwards initially confessed to his wife about a one-night stand only and took over a year for his wife to now found out it was a long standing affair with his mistress which eventually led to a child out of wedlock. What I'm saying here is when the time comes, please give a full confession without holding back so that nothing will come back to haunt you and possibly cause you both heartache in the future.

Sorry I can't advise the best way to go but please make sure that skeleton is let loose from the cupboard only by yourself. I know what pre-marital infidelity has done to my marriage, I would not advise that you not confess to your wife. TRUTH ALWAYS COMES OUT EVENTUALLY. It's a small world, you don't know whom your girlfriends have been telling about their escapades with you. It's as simple as a friend of a friend or brother/sister/coworker/relative of some sort telling somebody that knows your wife. Whatever you do, make sure she hears it from you, no other way.

It sounds like her circle of friends may be giving bad advice. Those telling her she's normal may be women who pretend their husbands don't have affairs. Not many men can go for long without intimacy so if a man is not doing it with his wife, chances are he is doing it elsewhere, those other women are probably burying their heads in the sand. They will be the first to tell her you are having an affair if they find out.

Please stop now and may you be blessed with wisdom and good advice on how to repair this situation.

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@Agatha

It's not as if I want to wait for 11 months. I means it has to take some conscious moves. U dont even know what steps i ve taken as I write. So, u dont judge that way.

By the way, I told a story on this thread abt a female friend of mine lamenting that d hubby doesnt give her s.ex at times 6 months. The man doesnt make l.ove to her for months and she is dying in silence. d man claims he is very tired each day after work. Mayb, if u are NOT married yet, it would be better for u to marry such a husband. So u would know wht I m going thru.

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@agathamari

To the contrary, that's nt what I want. I already knw it's nt good; I also acknwldged it's wrong. I'm nt looking 4 justifaction. I m seeking advice on hw 2 make my s.ex life better in my ,marriage.

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