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Submission In A Marriage: Women, Why The Resistance?

This is truly a question that boggles my mind. I have girlfriends both married and single (in relationships) and  this issue always rear its ugly head.

Seems there is a battle of the sexes when the issue of submission arises.

Personally I think it  takes a woman of strength to truly submit to a man. It isn't easy to take the high road especially when u disagree. It is difficult to subject yourself to a decision taken by your husband (especially when u disagree and feel might affect you negatively).

So truly women your opinions are required:

1. What is your definition of  submission in a marriage/ relationship?

2. Why the resistance?

3.How does being in submission make you feel?

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39 answers

Submission is the willingness to submitting to authority.

The elites and or financially stable ladies are the ones who finds it difficult to submitting to their husbands because they can live comfortably without a man.

The good point is that their husbands has no option than to cheat on them

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^^^^ No be small thing o!

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Some women sef! I guess they are the ones screwing their husbands at night, riding him till they 'come'. Okay o, but the moment a woman shows she doesn't understand what submission is all about, I build another house for her and allow her to rule from there. We only meet to say 'hi'at our kids birthdays and other social functions.

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@ jennykadry,

u say "feminist" like it's an accusation; i don't see myself as one, i don't care for the whole political movement but i'm very concerned about my happiness and rights and all that. i'm sure that even u would agree that women were so much more submissive in the past and that it's impractical to expect such from today's woman. so maybe it's not so much me, as the society and the way girls are raised that is feministic.

@ chaircover,

i understand your point, and like i said b4, i'm all for submission. i'm quite a submissive person naturally. i generally have no problem with leaders or following rules, and i'm all for the husband being in charge. just that there should be enough room for self-expression and individuality for the woman. i'm all for being answerable to the husband as long as i'm allowed some autonomy.

i know women don't have to surrender to abusive relationships, still i worry about it because i know several young girls who are enduring some form of abuse so early in life. many won't even agree that they are being abused until things get too bad, and the ones that agree keep making excuses, like they'll win the guys over eventually. of course God can do anything, but what happened to self-preservation? even more worrisome is that just about all these friends were really strong willed girls (and they still are in matters outside their marriages).

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you're married and i can't argue with your experience, so maybe i really don't know what submission truly means. afterall i've not had any personal experience as yet. but i've been hearing the word "submission" long enough to know people generally mean different things when they speak about it. obviously, some have more positive meanings and for others it's quite negative. i have some married friends (still in their 20s) who live under all sorts of restrictions, and they justify everything their husbands put them through with "submission". however, i'm not anti-submission. i'm simply against the kind of submission that strips a woman of her will and individuality.  

of course, i know that there are many women for whom submission is not a burden. odd thing though, is that most of the girls who i think are victims of "submission" always justify things, and tell stories of other women who have it worse. maybe marriage somehow changes a woman's expectations and perceptions. well, i can only hope when i personally experience submission in marriage, i would see it in an absolutely positive light.

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^^Tell dem,make dem hear. .He who has ears 2 hear,let him hear.

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Exactly

Words of a cetified feminist

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^^^^^^^^^^

From what you wrote above, yes, u Ma'am don't understand the true meaning of submission and also maybe partly based on you past experience. I am Married and i submit to my truly loving husband, however me being in submission does not require all those you listed above.

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as for the question on why the resistance to submission, i'd say it's because times have changed a great deal and some traditional ideas about submission have become impractical, yet people still hold on to them.

nowadays girls are raised as equal to boys, even more pampered in some families. they are encouraged to excel academically, and otherwise, and are increasingly outperforming guys. parents and teachers spend 20+ years pushing girls to be the best, to learn to stand their ground, to fight their way through to the top. the main focus of young girls' lives is expected to be academic excellence, and a successful career afterwards.

yet, it is expected that they would one day get married and all of a sudden start playing second fiddle. after all the time and resources spent on ensuring that she attains competence and independence, it's understandable that a woman would be dissatisfied with an arrangement that has her will constantly being bent to another's.

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i'm not married, and i'm quite ambivalent about marriage partly because of this submission issue. i don't have a problem with submission in itself; i'm okay with the man being in charge of the marriage. what i find hard to accept is letting someone else (it doesn't matter that i love this person) be in charge of my life.

i really can't understand why i should need permission to do my own stuff as an adult. i'm not against a man throwing in suggestions every now and then, i would both expect and welcome that. he should be concerned enough to have opinions about my hair, dressing, whereabouts, friends, career etc. but i think i should be the boss of me.

and NO, this isn't pride. humility is when a woman willingly allows a man (who really isn't any more capable than she is) to take the reins of their marriage, and happily supports his leadership. humility is not reducing a woman to a child, while still leaving her burdened with the responsibilites of an adult.

nowadays, we frown at parents who are too strict, parents are expected to give even their adolescents a measure of autonomy. many university students only have to inform their parents that they plan to travel out of state, but their mothers need permission to do the same. it's disheartening to think that as a 45-year old woman, i might be denied permission to do things that my 20 year old kids don't need permission for (things i didn't need permission for as a young adult). all because of my gender!

i know more than one family where the parents give the kids a fixed amount of pocket money without asking for a breakdown of the expenses, yet in these same families the women have to present lists of their expenditures to their husbands. and some men even cut down the costs, like slash tomatoes from 2000 naira to 1500. IMO, this is one of the most demeaning "submissions" ever, and is one reason why i must be financially independent.

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Before her husband came into her life, who was making the decision for her? a pastor? or her parents?

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10 children and a grandchild?

You are from another generation.

I respect the generational gap and quit any argument with you.

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I think it is what people take that submit to mean. I mean here is a woman who claims to have achieved heaven on earth both in reality and in her imagination saying that submitting means a fellow human being should make every waking decision for you and without that decision maker in your life your own don finish. LOL. Okay. Let me leave it alone.

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why is the emphasis always on women and submission - the last time I checked men were given their own biblical mandate as well.

please for any woman to call her fellow woman who is being abused lazy is wrong, if one understands the psychology of abuse and how it gets to the stage a woman now accepts abusive and unkind behaviour from her husband u will know it is not as simple as telling her to walk out of that marriage/relationship.

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Why don't we stop speaking for once and start acting?

Many women who hate the word submission happen to be "submissive" to their men.

Just that they don't even know because they love according to their hearts and not to a programmed mind.

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Submission is mostly to soothen a guy's ego. I am not against it but there are times you do not need to submit to your husband's opinion.

For most woman who are submissive and live in abuse, there is one thing people fail to understand. Abuse usually have an effect on a woman's

psychology. A woman that is told numerous times that she is not worth it and is being treated as a slave will find it out to be on her own. Even if she

is working and she provides mostly for the family (husband inclusive). She sees this as a norm. I have seen cases whereby a woman cannot even call

the cops when her husband beats her, she even plead on half of this guy. So please do not insult a woman who is under abuse or call her lazy.

Many of them are not.

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Typical!

Is this a 'bragging right' thread for the married?

All i see in this thread is a bunch of supposedly happily married women talking tough about their 'perfect husbands & marriages' and how other women should follow their 'template' marriages.

Whatever happened to 'do what works best for you'

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And this does not come happen even whilst living in their fathers house? kids only fall into bad companies cos their dad isnt there?

In your case mutter you are nto even thinking of trying to look for a job, you just wanna sit there and get abused all cos of your kids, lets be realistic here, are you for real? must evry single mother have many men providing for her?

Is staying in that abusive marriage a guarantee that your husband will take care of the kids? yes it is a lazy womans comment call it an insult I dont care, I see you as a very lazy woman.

Aprreciate the fact that abuse is normal in marriage so they should accept it if it happens to them? appreciate you for not getting your a.s.s up and go looking for a job? appreciate you for introducing a worthless marriage to them? appreciate you for being a gold digger who does not want to give working for herself a trial? appreciate you for introducing them to the negative part of marriage which includes pschological, mentally, emotional  and physical torture? how will those kids concentrate in skool?

so because of people that have tried to provide for their family have failed you dont wanna try yours?

Achild that wants to be useless will be not minding if they have both parents with them or not

God forbid I share in these negative sense of reasoning of yours

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yes the children will see what their mother is going through and appreciate later in life.

You know Jennykadry calling this lazy is an insult to most people living in poverty. Poor people very often work allot harder than rich ones. They just do not have the same opportunities. I know allot of very hard working women in Nigeria who cannot maintain a family. Your comment is callous, unrealistic and insulting to such women.

You want a woman to protect her kids from a husband slapping her and then what:

move to a district where the kids fall into bad company, bad education and so many other disadvantages. Bringing in many men to provide for her. We know how many hard working women get contracts in Nigeria.

Please be realistic. It certainly is not okay for a husband to maltreat a wife but sometimes women have to endure it because the price of leaving is too high.

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Stay with that man and subject my kids to that kind of life? encourage my kids to stay with an abusive man cos of financial assistance?

Whatever is stopping a woman from really working her Bottom off? single mothers in the villages still survive

That is not a sacrifice atall, it is just plain irresponsible

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@jennykadry

if my husband leaves me today, who knows? I probably would be better off financially, because his extended family would fall out of the picture.

You just seem to be looking at a minor percentage of women who are able to fend for themselves. You are not looking at the vast majority of women.

YES if I could not give my kids what they need to make it in life, I would stay with the man no matter how bad he treated me. I would stay with the man to make sure my kids get a better chance in life.

That sacrifice I expect every mother to make.

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i think agatha kind of addressed the topic in a way

"Marriage is a journey of tumbles, upsets, endurance, pains, disappointments, considerations, compromises, as well as victories. To survive, a couple must first and foremost be friends because it is the only way they can manage the challenges of two strangers coming together to make a home.

As a woman, you have to be determined to ensure he is happy with the choice he has made. One thing you must never do is listen to what others think of your efforts to turn your home into a haven for your husband and children. Be rest assured that there is nothing feminism in marriage. To try to equate yourself with your husband, question his authority, dishonour his decision, and disrespect him is to court trouble in your home.

Whether you like it or not, your role as the woman is to offer him protection through prayers. You were created to support him in life and once you are very clear about this, no matter how stubborn he gets, managing him won’t be a problem. Even though he is the head of the home, your role in his life is to show him the way by your own examples. Men generally are like babies who respond with care, friendship and trust to the one who cares for them the most. As his wife, you have to be the woman in his life, as well as his mother. As his wife, you have to attend to his home, his emotional needs while as the woman you have to learn to respect him. God, in making the woman, created her to support the man, stand by his side, use her seemingly fragility to get things done for him. Position yourself in his life as his strength, ego and pride, friend, support base and his think tank. Make sure he does nothing without discussing it with you by always being there for him. As a woman the secret of your strength is your fragility, as well as your emotions. When he becomes unbearably stubborn: use the fragile part of you to get him to listen to the voice of wisdom by going on your knees to beg him. No matter how educated you are or well paid, the fact remains he is your crown and only a silly woman rubbishes the crown that makes her shine.

However, for this to work, you must have imbibed from the beginning how to respect him. [/b]You cannot rubbish him in front of people and expect him to honour whatever overtures you make at home. Respect begets respect. He must have evidence of your willingness to follow his leadership before he can listen to what you have to say.

Granted, this adjustment doesn’t come easy but there is nothing in life that comes without plenty of sacrifices, especially the good ones. Something has to give for that thing you want the most to come to reality. This is your role as the woman in his life.

As his mother, you are to pamper him as you would your own child. This includes indulging his excesses and reprimanding him with love. Mothers don’t nag their children, so be careful you don’t nag him into running into the arms of another woman. No matter how imperfect a child is, the mother’s love is always there, unconditional for the child to come back to. A mother, even when everyone brands her child as bad, sees hope at the end of the tunnel. You must therefore be prepared, be patient enough to outshine his deficiencies as a human being, especially if you also keep it in the front burner that you are equally imperfect.

No sacrifice is always too much for a mother to make for her child. Your marriage is your womb, your husband the child. Unlike the conventional way of conception, this one took place in your heart; the heart is the life wire of the body. While the womb holds the mystery of life, the heart holds its glow. There is no way you can divorce the existence of the womb from the heart whereas the heart can survive without the womb. Therefore if you keep your marriage in your heart as true mothers do, no matter the disappointment, aches and betrayals you suffer in your marriage, you will never be discouraged to fight on.

As for his stubbornness, it can be managed with the right temperament. Once he gets obstinate, quietly withdraw and allow him have his way on anything he wants done his way. For the sake of peace, give in to him at the point he wants anything done his way. Naturally, this requires utmost patience, as well as tolerance but you have to grow a thick skin to deal with it. This is due to the fact that two captains cannot live in a boat. There are always other ways to get him to listen to you. When his mood is right, you can then go to him quietly to lay your complains and by then the cloud of trouble would have passed away.

[b]To achieve a happy home, you cannot afford to be stubborn physically. Rather, deploy the stubbornness to your spiritual life. You can always pray away from his life those aspects of him you don’t like without fighting him or nagging.

Marital battles are best fought on the knees rather than with blows. Taking your marital problems to God everyday is the key to your happiness because God is fair and impartial. If you listen to Him, you will never go wrong and would help you achieve effortlessly His desires for you and your home."

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I like this topic. BRB!!

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posting here so i can find it later. . .

@jenny

you never cease to surprise me. . .one moment you're rational, the next moment, you're dishing out the insults the way iya basira dishes out gbegiri. . .i liked your post though

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What does diplomacy have to do with having a brain. The reason why the so called women you are saying have "harsh" husbands are forced to suffer is because of advice like yours. If they had their own individual things going then they would not have to wait for a man to be there for them to survive. Any sensible person who reads half of what you write should have no faith in you. Talking about because a man decided to marry me then , Are you even aware that you are a human being. Maybe your husband has not told you yet so until then that is debatable. What nonsense. I should bring my husband here to read this drivel. There are some people we know that are just like you. My moms bestfriends mother raised them on her own after her husband left them for an educated woman. She did not sell herself. She worked with her hands and somehow managed. All her children are educated and she did not humiliate herslef by hanging on to a man's balls that did not think she was good enough.

My husband married me as I married him. Nobody forced me and I was not looking for someone to pay my bills. I was looking for a life partner not someone to validate me because I cooked a piping hot pot of pepper soup and told him how he was lord of all he surveyed. I know very many women like you who are single today and still lying to themselves. You have not the slightest idea wht submission in marriage is. You are just simply hoping that if you do not act too smart he will keep feeling the need to protect you from the big bad evil world out there that is so bad for a woman to help herself SMH

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Dang Mutter, you really feel helpless don't you? Why be anybody's donkey at all. Good Golly. What is this crap about not having an opinion because your husband has enough brain for two. Why not just get a lobotomy and get it done with. A woman's brain must just be for fancy. My husband does not make all the decisions and he never will. If he wanted to he would never have married a woman like me. Any man who will not be happy because he is not the one making all the decisions really has a problem and any woman who thinks that the man should "believe" that he is doing all that is just lazy and weak. My two cents

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Well putting things into perspection, Nigeria is a nation whereby 95% cannot marry someone whom their parents don't approve of, because they need their parent's blessing and also need to have their parents on ground incase the marriage develops a hitch, this is kinda a good thing but technically means the only choice here is obedience.

Hence wifey too has to recognise her lowly place in marriage and obey without fail and obey without questionning, if she wants a good home.

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Submission is an act one does willingly. That makes the difference.

A woman that has no choice is hardly being submissive she is being forced to obey.

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^^right. . .i dey feel u.

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Some men really do not deserve to be treated with respect and submission, but it is important to fulfil ones obligation. Two wrongs do not make up a right.

In some cases the man turns around, appreciates the woman and reciprocates. In some cases the marriage is no longer possible because the conditions become inhumane.

Over 14 years after my first marriage broke up, my husband still blames me for his being unhappy. He has been married four times since then and is still not in a happy marriage.

He says I spoilt him so much that he can never find happiness with another woman. The women also all complain that he kept on comparing them to me, talking about me. If he could turn back the hands of time, he would have done that many times over.

It is very sad to see how homes break up sometimes just because boundaries are being overstepped.

However in most cases the equation balances itself pretty well.

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That is the sad truth about some marriages but even then many women have a real problem with obedience. Even when they have no choice they still make things difficult.

That is why one should never advice a woman to leave her marriage. She may not be able to fend for the kids and herself adequately.

In that case better be one man`s donkey, than everyone`s donkey

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The mistake most people make about submission is that they view it as your wife being a slave to you. She has no opinion on any issue and every issue has to be decided upon by the man BECAUSE HE IS THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY. But according to a preaching I listened to, a man is the head while the woman is the neck that supports the head. A woman has to be submissive but not in the sense that her opinion doesn't count or she has no say in anything.

Most of these man that want submissive wife that have no say in the home usually have girlfriends that are bossy, meant and rude. At times these girls might be way younger than them, and when they get home they are looking for a submissive woman.

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WORD!, Mutter, u really have a good mentality and attitude toward marriage, and God has blessed you with a good man. I pray our men will learn from this. It doesn't take away your lordship over your wife by loving her THE WAY CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH. If only you can come off that high horse and truly understand what that sentence means, your marriage will be your testimony, envied and emulated by others.

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Somebody is telling a joke LMAO

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doesn't submission come with love? correct me if i am wrong.

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i think some women have such resistance because the original intent of that submission have been skewed by men and many have used it to manipulate, maltreat,abuse, and enslave their women all in the name of "God, said, woman be submissive to your husband"

secondly, some women dont understand the whole picture of the that word "submission" in the way God intended it. espcially, in this 21st century where women are striving for self-indepence, self-reliance, gender equality, so the use of the "submission" to these kind of women have become synonymous to be a slave, giving men extra power(which is aganist their self-indepence belifefs). they feel like, submission shouldnt be used in this century because everyone is equal and so should be marriage. "every thing and anything a man can do, surely a woman can do definitely better". women have suffered enough in the hands of men in the past century when they believe women were submissive to their husbands.

some people believe in mutual respect. respect me, i respect you etc so no need for "Sir master" those kinds of things

so,  i think both genders have misinterpreted, misunderstood, misuse and over skewred that word SUBMISSION. God never intended for men to use submissiveness to oppress and suppress their wives neither did he wanted the women to feel that he was chauvinist (as some women have claimed).

so, while i cant blame the women wholly or the men wholly either for the misuse of the word. however, one cant help but notice that men intend to use that word only when it favors them. forgetting also, that its God, who said "women be submissive to your husbands" and also said "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"

when a man treats her wife as God instructed i dont think a woman will resist. but in many of the cases, when the woman is submissive she gets nothing in return. many men abuse that word

personally, i dont see the problem with submissiveness  as long as the man understands Gods intent of it and when its NOT TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT.He gave Women the Power and gave men the Authority.  in other-words, men are the HEAD of the family and women are the HEART of the family

as the sayings, goes the men wears the trouser in the marriage but women tells them which one to wear.

but until, BOTH genders study and understand that word, there will continue to be that resistance.

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People attach some significance to submission, mostly negative *shrugs*

I would think logically, there are somethings you do out of respect, consideration, care, compromise and for peace.  I mean within reasonable circumstances.  Has nothing to do with who is right or what gender lords over dominion. But then again, people are irrational 

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I believe it is a general trait in all women. Most women do not like to submit to their husbands not because they want to be proud or rude, it is just a natural phenomenon. The bible also testify to that, by saying women, respect(submit to) your husband and husbands, love your wife, meaning, it requires a personal committment, grace and work on a woman to submit to his husband, likewise men, requires work and committment on their parts to love their wifes, it is natural.

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I am really kind of spoilt and like to get my own way, that`s why I submit to my husband totally.

Submission is the most powerful weapon a woman has against a man.

Submission more or less means, "his will be done", "his wish is my command".

Very simple just get your wish and will to be that of your husband and it will be done.

How easy it is to get a man to do what you want, when you let him take all the decisions.

When you show a man love and respect, he would always try to please you.

I can get anything from my husband. I know how to ask, when and how long I have to ask.

If need be I go down on my knees and beg.

I never do anything without his approval and permission, I never say no to his wish.

When you have a good husband that is no problem at all.

My husband is like my father, mother, brother, sister, best friend, lover, all in one.

A part of me. The only person on earth that takes a decision and I trust fully that it is my best interest.

I not only submit to him, I virtually worship him, if it is allowed to use this word for a human.

He is my pride, my dignity, my hold and my comfort.

In the past he has taken some decisions, that were different from my wishes, but they always turned out to be the right ones.

In the past he sometimes gave me the go ahead but advised me it was a wrong move, I still went on with it, only to realise he was right.

then I have to go back to him to sort out the mess, even if it is only lending a consoling ear.

Now when he starts with his, you can , but I don`t think it would work out.

I just drop the idea immediately. Because he would be right in the end and he is the one to iron out the mistake for me or together with me.

I think another aspect of submission is being able to prevent disagreements, quarrels and heated arguments.

the easiest way to do this, is with simple words like sorry and please forgive me. It works wonders.

We have never had a serious problem in our marriage because we both know how to make use of those words.

Later when the heat is over one can talk rationally about the situation

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