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Third Party In A Marriage, Would You Intercede When Called Upon?

Sometimes when dueling couple attempt to fix their rocky marriage, they resort to a 'neutral' third party. At times, it may work, but often times, a backlash may ensue, because, the secrets binding the couple has now been revealed to a third party. I can recall an interview granted by Dr. Tokunbo Dosumu (Awo's daughter) to Quality magazine of the advice that her father gave her prior to her marriage. He told her that she should never bring in a third party in her marriage. Ok, I was stunned by her admission. Along that line, my mother's servant repeated the same line that never would she intercede in any marital squabble because you are bringing trouble upon yourself. This sagacious woman told me of a couple who fought each time the wife was pregnant, and dare anybody intercede. The third party would be beaten up by the dueling couple, and at the same time, they would solve their marital quanta.

Unlike the USA, where such barbaric act usually necessitates the presence of the cops from a vigilant neighbor or bystander, in Nigeria, who sai? Marital quanta is sometimes strictly off limits. So for some of us, who have resided abroad and do know the lasting repercussions of a marital dispute (case in point, the wife may be beaten to death by the enraged husband, or the man's head may be bludgeoned with a pestle ,  yeah, it happens.), would you intercede?

Agony aunts in America would definitely refer the victim to the services of a shelter, but in Nigeria, sometimes the woman would be told to bear with it. WE have read some African novels where this practise is endorsed by our customs, and I have even read that about a woman who would be sent packing by her mother each time she returned home from a marital dispute with her husband. So, while we are now endowed with the mentality that squabbles can be solved without the use of fists, would you still brazenly intercede in a marital dispute in Nigeria, involving your next door neighbour, or would you just accomodate this practise, because it is none of your business?

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18 answers

You don't even have to ask me. If I see a man hitting a woman then he is going to jail. End of story for me. She can decide if she wants to bail him out or drop the charges. If a friend asks me of course I will give my opinion. If she wants to turn around and blame me later then so be it. All I know is that I spoke my truth. If you call me and say that you saw Unclad pictures of your husband's secretary in his work briefcase I will tell you that he is most likely a cheating dog and you a fool for standing here asking me when you should be giving the man hell

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Intercede if called upon, yes because it may be impossible to say no. But interfere, no. However everyone should learn to manage their affairs between themselves.

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@Topic,as much as possible,i try not to interfere but when there is domestic violence or assault i DO interfere.When married friends share a problem with me,i tell them what i think is the best for them but always encourage them to do what they think is right/best for them.

So far,i havent had a need to seek for 3rd party"s counsel,im seeing it remaining that way,Insha Allah.

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@Uchetobi, you are quite correct on that.

Read this link:

http://odili.net/news/source/2010/nov/8/613.html

How Good Samaritan died mediating between man and wife

Written by Olalekan Olabulo

Monday, November 8, 2010

The virtues of peacemaking is extolled by all. But, sometimes, peacemakers get caught in the crossfire, leaving them with an ugly experience to tell. In this report by Olalekan Olabulo, one peacemaker was not that fortunate.He got caught in the web of a fight between a man and his wife which left him stone dead.

It was supposed to be a mediation between a man and his wife, who had woken up their co-tenants with their usual feud. It, however, turned out to be a journey of no return for a Good Samaritan, whose death has become a source of concern to residents of Egan , a suburb in Alimosho Local Government area of Lagos State . . .

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I don't believe in marriage, so I'll help if you need a quick divorce.

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hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, me oh i dnt think i will want to do any of such because am nt God. d only Allowed third in marriage is God simple. any other person has one weak point or d other. so d only perfect God shld be d one no matter hw small or big d problem is.

We all re just human beings, abeg, is only God simple.

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well to me if am called, i will try to open the word of god to them and make peace among them!

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It is always better for the married couple to handle their buz within their union, however, there are situation, where it cld be better to get someone involved and not just anyone. But if I (rhino) will get involved, no way, make dem come use my head break the coconut and when they make up and doing the adult stuff in da bed, dem go come dey discuss me, i'll pass on that one

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if cant fix it, dont break it

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i will, but not TO side or criticise any of them. If not, why are we christians? LOVE UR NEIGHBOUR AS U LOVE URSELF.

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sometimes is not always a good idea,cos i remembered when a friend of my husband told him certain things concerning his wife ,how she hid their marriage certificate,how she came to look at the type of car her husband came with on their TM day, u know some nasty things, later my husband was used to settle their dispute, cos when my hubby was asking the woman why she did all those things she denied all and later the husband called and telling my hubby why are you pitying her u shuld have done this or that. u see keep off on matters concerning married couple when it comes to gossip and ash her.

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i think some ppl dont realise da gravity of marital problems

well, dont boast dat u wont respond when calld upon coz u neva know, abi u r not married?

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I will keep my mouth shout and pray for them.

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Third party, pastor, brother, parents and any God fearing person can settle marital dispute. It all depends on how the matter is handled.In some families, you see a particular brother who loves one of his sisters more than others.And if he talks to her sister about her marital problem she must surely understand with her lovely brother and the problem is resolved.The same thing goes to the brother when the sister talks to him. So marital dispute shouldn't be left for the couples alone.

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Pastors, parents, and marriage counselors help married people all the time and their heads are still intact. When both the husband and wife are too proud to apologize first, help is needed.

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One thing i learnt by observing is to always stay clear of husband and wife matter. Cuz your head will be used as settlement

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Umm. . .

Yes and No.

Yes - when there is physical abuse involved, the person recieving the abuse should tell their family members, and/or pastor, iman or whoever is of religious authority over them. There should be ZERO tolerance of physical abuse. If someone is beating you, there are immensely serious problems that you cannot resolve on your own.

No - for most other issues, the answer is no. However, if there is a recurring problem that cannot seem to be resolved - a serious thing - ie not being able to rid oneself of the habit of biting nails is not a serious problem, then you can also goto a third party (again family member, pastor/iman or this time a counselor).

Now, if you are called in as a third party, a few things to keep in mind:

1) Make sure you don't take any sides - no marriage issue is 100% one person's fault. It will be impossible for you to ever know all the details, so you will never be in a position to judge one person over the other.

2) Make sure before you get started, you iron out with both people how much authority you are being given over resolving this conflict. If they just want someone to listen to them, then yes, then you should politely tell them that they should be talking to themselves.

3) If you feel that you cannot handle counseling them, then don't. They're better off with someone else or by themselves.

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marriage should be a union between two person and not between three people ,if the issue of a third party shld set in, in a marriage then den things wont be as rosy as it shld(even though the third party is a family member)there is bound to be more problems in his/her intrusion in to the family, so i dont buy the idea of a third party!!!!!

and if am called upon to intercede in any marital matters i will simply tell both couples to sort it out themselves.BETTER DAT WAY THAN A THIRD PARTY.dats my opinion

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