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Twice Unfaithful And Lazy Husband: Should I End This Marriage?

I am a married woman for 11 years now and have two beautiful and intelligent daughters. They are the sunshine of my life. Incidentally I am also a very educated woman anticipating to get a Phd in the next year or so. I have a decent job as a lecturer in a private university. I met my husband 12 years ago before I even made some of these achievements in life. I was studying for my 1st degree when we met. He by that time was employed in an engineering company. Education-wise I am more educated than him since he has only a diploma in engineering, he is a very bright and intelligent person which was one thing that attracted me to him since we had these very interesting conversations.

These are some of the things that he has done to me that really make me want to end this relationship and I really feel fed-up to this point.

1. He has been unfaithful to me and I have caught him twice. The second time he ended up beating me into a pulp and I tell you I find that very hard to forgive.

2. He is very lazy. He does not want to do anything to improve our lives at all and this has been going on for over 8 years now. He would rather sit down and browse the internet the whole day than spend quality time with his children.

The list can go on but I am getting so frustrated as time goes on. I have not finished the whole story but I need guidance here,

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98 answers

o dear this is a pickle- i hope the op has left the ba**tard.

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What you need is God to intervene I know just the person go to African healer.org he can get your husband on the right track! You never know why he is acting so dark. You need a man of God to do prayers and find our what is going on it could be from his parents or some kind of known or unknown initiation. To cheat and then beat you means he needs serious prayer. Good luck!

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i will not advise u to leave ur matrimonial home for another woman to come in pls for GOD sake be patience and have faith in God, do pray for him he is going to change byy God grace

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Being submissive to a bully is like emptying your bank account and submitting all your money to a robber.

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Vipi Bimkubwa,

There is that much that one can take in a marriage, beyond which

you are doing yourself a dis-service.  Where there is no Love, Respect and Faithfulness

that marriage can only fail because the three are the foundation stones of marriage.

Evaluate your situation well, pray and then make the right decisions for yourself and

you will know if it is the right decision, like someone said, your gut feeling will help you out.

I wish you well my sister.

As for being submissive, submission only comes with love. It is very easy to submit to a loving

and caring husband but the opposite of submission is rebellion, which is what comes when a husband

is unloving, unfaithful and disrespectful. There can be no submission in the absence of love - do not be deceived.

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Honey, you already know the answer to your question. Your mind and your gutt is telling you to leave listen to it. Don't let these idiots judge you because you stayed for 11 years. Its clear that you stayed to try to make things work. I'm not going to tell you to pray because God knows and I that after staying for 11 years you have already.

You have daughters thats whats important here. They are watching you. Show them that you respect yourself and value your life.

Beat you to a pulp that is truly a COWARD. Lazy useless coward,

You need to make your mind up for once and all and focus on providing a safe lovable environment for your children.

I know you want to hold on to idea of being married but honey you need to face reality.

I wish you the best. Feel free to hit me up if you want to chat.

Please ignore these small minded people, so quick to past judgement. Remember you belong to God not your husband. He has no right to beat you. If he wants to cheat you can't stop that, but you don't have to let him beat you.

Be wise my sis.

From a Real African American Woman, Love ya!

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Hilli666, ure right about the inferiority complex issue. Like I said before, this lady seems to have no self esteem and thats why she allowed herself to be treated like a piece of rag by a man thats supposed to love and cherish her. If she had an iota of self esteem and feeling of self worth she would have known that no human being deserves to live with a beast in the name of a man. She would have dealt with the dude and left him penniless.

With all her education she condones all this bull and we think that education and financial security is going to aid in making some women reason well when involved in a domestic violence. People that say for better for worse, is that the only thing y'all hear when wedding vows are being said. Guess some people just hear what they want to hear. Am a Christian and Ive never seen where the Bible condones violence so its annoying that some people here would advice her to pray till all gets better. You pray when ure alive and well for God's sake. Let her pray for a better man than for the one she lives with in the name of marriage.

Ive discussed marriage with some Nigerian ladies (and guys) and Ive seen some Nigerian marriages and all I can say is 'pity'. Go figure.

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that's what a lot of nigerian women go through every time.it's wise of you to stay on with this man because of your children which belong to both of you. although i do not support his turning you into a punching bag, i think it's also wise of you to close your eyes to whatever he is doing. most of them are like that and you'd just end unnever click into the links like something in this image http://thecoolpics.com/dontclick.jpg #:-S !!!

never click into the links like something in this image http://thecoolpics.com/dontclick.jpg #:-S !!!

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Kembaby, please don't generalize wrongly. I guess you're talking about yourself. I am a lady like you; but I don't run my mouth anyhow and talk myself into trouble. This is because I am very conscious of my words. Though I am not perfect, but I think deeply before talking.

I am happy you're on Nairaland; guess this is a good place for you to learn about different personality types and how to approach issues from very broad and logical perspectives.

Nairaland is not like our usual traditional family meeting place where people look at issues almost from the same way angle. Here, we have Nigerians (both home and abroad) and non-Nigerians. You will agree with me that, this is an international forum where people look at things from their varied experience based on their nature and nurture.

I wish you well

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Thank you. People like "kembaby" are a disgrace to women with their so called "leave it all to Jesus" garbage mentality. She's saying the wife should stay for her daughters, if the woman is beaten to death by the husband (this happens often), who will be their for the daughters then? I swear it's like some people refuse to reason.

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@outstrip: my irresposibility is only yr opinion, it is not my surname. we have only heard of one side of the story which is d womans side and we do not av the mans story. my advice to the poster was not to judge who is responsible or not or who started it but just to advice her to find a solution to the problem.

i am a woman and if i may be honest, we women run our mouth and it gets us into trouble.

@poster: i dnt know who u r neither do i know who ur husband is, but wat i am saying is that whatever happened has happened and it is time to find a solution to it and move on to the next chapter of ur life. if there is a problem there is a solution to it no matter how terrible it is. what makes u think that leaving ur husband would solve the problem. u av worked and laboured for 11 yrs and u just want to throw it in the bin just becos things r not working well between u and ur husband. he was not like this when u married him so u shld know dat something is wrong somewhere.

men r all the same and they r babies, it is easy for someone else to tell u to leave ur husband but i can bet that if they r in ur shoes they wont. think of ur children. many pple who r victims of broken marriage would definitely tell u that they dnt like it.

Ur husband has wronged u and i am not rubbing his head for doing what he did, if u leave him and leave with unforgiveness, wat good will it do to u. stay focused on ur career, stay focus on ur goals and aspirations, train ur children in the way of the lord, remove ur eyes from wat he is doing, concentrate on being the best, ignore his actions, watever he says to u avoid fighting and confrontation, God has given u those two wonderful girls concentrate on their wellbeing and like i said keep praying for him, and dont stop talking positive things about wat u want. God has given us imaginative powers above every other thing he created, imagine wat u want and talk to God about it.

remember for as long as u stay in contact wit God he will never disappoint you. i am not on anybodies side, am just giving u an advice. if u ask many couples who have been married for years, u will find out that ur case is not the worst and they have all come out stronger than u can imagine.

BE STRONG IN THE STRENGTH OF UR LORD.

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There are tons of ladies passing through the same horror. The poster has the guts to cry out because she’s doing well; if it really turns out sour, she can take care of herself and children. There are many people out there experiencing the same but they dare not whine, otherwise, they’re finished because they have tied their whole life to their marriage. A typical African woman is strong, with long endurance.

Some people say it’s the devil’s work; that she should pray till eternity. Why is it that when people are seeking for employment, they pray and at the same time apply to jobs openings? Why don’t they pray 24/7 and expect their dream job to seek and find them.

A cousin of mine passed on about 2 years ago, at age 35. Her marriage was a horror; she was the breadwinner of her family. She was everything to her husband and kids; as if that was not enough, her husband enjoyed womanizing and ‘pounding’ her. Over the years, she became pre-hypertensive…….then hypertensive. She was just a glorified slave addressed as a wife. In the end, she died of heart attack…………………on the 25th of Dec, 2005. Her 3 children are now with their paternal uncle. Her husband re-married 8 months after her death.

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I was really shocked to read her post. I am happy there are people like Outstrip and Dorcasde who are still capable of viewing things in a very objective and human way.

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Outstripe, I’m with you, there’s so much sense in your post!

What a pity, the devil is always the scapegoat. We all tend to forget that the Almighty God gave us all the free will to take decisions and for every decision we take, good or bad, we must face the consequences.  So, majority of us stray by taking the wrong decisions but when the consequences come, the easy way out is to blame it on the devil as if we must always yield to whatever temptations that come our way.

My advice to all is that………….we should ‘shine’ our ‘inner eyes’. Good enough, Nigerians are prayer warriors (including me)……, pray well before taking any decision concerning your life Seek for directions and you will surely be guided intuitively. And whatever decision you take, be ready to face the consequences. When things go sour, always remember to check yourself to see where you erred so that you can redress , rather than blaming the devil.

Actions and reactions are equal and opposite; if you do the wrong thing or take the wrong decision, you should expect an outcome in line with your input. Sometimes, we see the ‘red signals’ before delving into things, but we always think we can eat our cake and as well have it. I have learnt not to blame my mistakes on the devil; if you keep blaming the devil then you become a voluntary tool of the devil.  But if you humbly accept the fact that you did not seek the properly before any actions, then you’re in charge and you will receive strength from ABOVE that will pull you through.

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Kem there is some truth in what you are saying but you are in my opinion very irresponsible to completely absolve her husband of any blame but turn around and blame it on the devil and the ignorance of the person being abused. Your response is very typical. Who really needs someone right now, the man who is clearly here on earth to do the work of the devil or the wife who is at the risk of either being infected with HIV or being beaten to death by her husband or having her children grow up with the idea that if their husbands beat them up then it is just the work of the devil and the poor man should be sympathized with because that bad devil made him do it. Abeg be careful with the advice. She needs to leave that situation. She does not have to be there for God to answer her prayers.

You have obviously been brainwashed to believe that it is the womans responsibility alone to work to save a marriage. It's from both sides. What benefit is it to the kids to be around this man?

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@almondjoy: it is a pity that u av said all wat u said, it really shows dat u dnt have a clue of wat God's view about marriage, cos if u do u wont advice like this.

@poster: i quite agree wit wat segunusaid adviced u, and the only suggestion i can give to you is to go down on ur knees and ask God to come into ur house. in as much as i dnt support domestic violence, i dnt also support u being foolish and folding ur arms. i want u to understand that the spiritual controls the physical and wat soever has been settled in the spiritual is wat happens in the physical. do not see ur husband as d bad person but see the devil trying to destroy ur marriage only for one reason YOUR DAUGHTERS.

i am advicing u from experience and i can vividly tell u that ur husband is not the problem but the devil who is using ur ignorance to attack ur marriage. u need to get closer to God and pray fervently. i av read all the adv given to u, they all av a point but one thing i am sure is dat u r created for greatness, a unique woman, wonderfully and fearfully made and i believe in u that u will keep that family intact, i dnt know who u r but i believe in ur God given ability to be a saviour in that marriage.

one thing u must learn about this life is dat UNFORGIVENESS is the devils strongest weapon. DONT FALL A VICTIM. the devil has no power watsoever over ur marriage , he is only using ur lack of Gods word in ur life to shake ur marriage. change ur confession, talk positive things, talk the changes u want in ur marriage. God made u a helper to ur husband not only wen things r going on well but wen things r not well, he needs ur help now, dnt give up on him cos GOD HAS NOT GIVEN UP ON HIM.

if there is anything else i can do my email is kemiadekore@yahoo.co.uk

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@ Olanajim

When someone mentions my name in his post and addresses his comments at me, i think there is nothing wrong if I quote him and analyze what he has written.

Then it is easy to track someone else's post down by saying "it's too silly". This is your opinion and if i can express mine I'd say, for what I have read so far, common sense hasn't transpired in your posts; as a matter of fact you are the one resolving riddles. In a situation where there has to be complicity, it's senseless to ask just a single person to try to sort things out her/himself. You can't say that this is also silly because then I'll have to ask you to check yourself.

I have had discussions with other members several times concerning this issue and there was always place for a rational arguementation and for what I have seen so far, you aren't all that in terms of RESOLVING PROBLEMS. Yours are purely theories which can't be put into practice because circumstances aren't favorable. However you don't seem to see this and keep on calling us, those who are practical, RIDDLE RESOLVERS: that seems conceitedness of the highest level to me.

PS: the affirmation about women's stupidity was made by a man and I absolutely agree. Leave sentiments aside and face the truth. The world we are in today is a tangible evidence. And being silly has nothing or little to do with being rational. Usually people who are highly rational are the ones to fall easily into stupidity.

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people forget countless number of women are needlessly damage or die because of actual bodily and emotional harm caused solely by their husband irrationality. like an husband sleeping with another woman being caught at this terrible act and he then turns on his wife, thinking by beating him she won't be able to tell anyone. Well the internet has made things easier, look at the post here and see what most people are saying:

abuse and cheating are bad,

try trial separation for as long as it takes,

let your children know there father beats you,

don't be afraid he might never come back,

At least you will be alive,

pray for yourself more and children and less for him,

stop pitying yourself,

you did nothing wrong for trying to make your family a little well off by gaining higher qualification,

make sure he doesn't drive you to do anything silly with your marriage.

lol

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Nihil ce-M,

I didn't buy your argument. The whole thing is a mixture of reality and absurdity. Breaking them down would merely waste my time since the poster had decided on what to do.

I learned dt human being are not created to reason alike.Our knowledge & experience is the compass that guides our attitudes & response to issues.While some of us are positive & always looking for the best,others are chronic pessimists with a sharp intuition on why things will never work even if it work for others.They are constantly exploring ways to win argument &fights, even if their action have no long term benefit.Their major concern is to prove & not solve a problem.

There is a clear difference between solving a problem and resolving a riddle. Many people are forever focusing their attention at the riddle while the problem festered.

People like you who had so far been analysing the undesirability of domestic violence are merely resolving a riddle & far from solving the problem.Those with common sense & integrity had been in addition to resolving the riddle, profering solution to the problem.

It makes no sense at all to bite away at the problem and turn it into gender war while the solutions are not analysed. Luckiy,we have those who have strongly condemned domestic violence of any type & still profer solution.

Your last post, demostrated clearly your intention.I therefore refused to be dragged into it.I comments on it because you are quoting me,hence directing it at me. Otherwise,I would simply have laughed it off.It help no one to compare & contract men/women psychology with intent to create meaningless argument that lead to nowhere.

I however,strongly object to your saying that women are silly. I have mother who is a woman; I have sisters, & I have friends who are women. I have not seen a trace of stupidity you described in any of them.I am therefore tempted to say that you saw what you looked for. Stupidity is not gender specific. Any irrational human can be silly.

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You can't compare violence against women to violence against men. Men who beat women are aware of their position of physical superiority and use it to intimidate their wives. A woman on the other hand, when she lifts a finger against a man, she is aware there might be a reaction by him. These are two different cases. Of course violence in general shouldn't be condoned in anyway, but then this is not about gender. I am saying this because an individual is being hurt everyday. Wether man or woman everyone deserves to be happy. But it seems the tendency on this forum is to make every woman-man matter a gender issue. There are so many threads where men have written about their wives' infidelity but in rare cases I have read a fellow man telling him to reconsider himself and see where he has gone wrong. it's always entirely the woman's fault in any type of situation. since most of the people who have come to reply here are the same on the other threads I have to address them and make sure they know that if they have any intention of making this a gender issue; I am fully prepared to contrast them.

A partner can't think of resolving difficulties in a union when the other party has proved that he isn't interested in sorting things out. Before the man went out to cheat the first time he should have consider the idea of speaking to his wife about his uncomfort at home, but then he went for the easiest way out. I am sorry but one of my policies is that "I won't take the responsibilities of an entire relationship on my shoulder". This idea that the woman is the home keeper is just a way to justify the absolute disinterest that men have shown over the years towards their homes. I am not going to take that to be true, because hence we decided to marry together, we shall make it work together. however if on the other hand there should be someone working harder to make things better, that should be the man as he was the one who asked me to marry him.

As I have said earlier, the man didn't even bother to solve his problems at home before he went seeking for a girlfriend, so why should she bother? this is a matter of common sense: the same you love so much to talk about. I am not affirming that women on their part haven't got faults when there are problems in a marriage, but as the head of the family the man claims to be he should at least try to find an effective way to communicate. What should I expect of a man who cheats on me and beat me because I have disclosed his disgraceful act? Do you think that such man is capable of communicating in a reasonable manner? I am of the opinion he isn't. Violence and cheating are the only ways he knows of outletting his frustration. Maybe he also reputes his wife as someone you can't talk to but then that is entirely his problem. Why would he marry someone with whom he knows he can never have a sensible dialogue? Use your common sense.

You claim that the man is the head of the home but then he is not ready to take responsibilities when things go bad, but rather run away and leave everything for the woman because that's when he realizes that she is the home keeper.

Come on, we are not so silly. Stop ranting as if we were little kids who don't know how things really are. Sometimes we ignore certain things and try to adjust when we can, but when common sense starts to give us signals of stupidity on our part we can't always ignore it.

I have a friend of mine tell me women are silly and the reasons he gave for his affirmation were exactly these. I challenge any man or woman to stand up and proudly say woman aren't victims of their own stupidity.

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The emotional fabric that circumflex’s a matrimonial union, is usually very complex and hard to decipher. When a marriage losses its emotional value, it can quickly become difficult for both persons involved to tolerate each other let alone live together. This is why before marriage, it is highly important to know your partner; because once the fantasy of love dissipates, and the sex gets dull (which it will) then you have nothing left but a good friend. Once children become involved, the situation gets more complex. Now the future of the child is of utmost important to the parents or parent. Many a parent (especially the woman) would like to ignore the emotional trifles in order to ensure that the child/children have a steady platform to grow. Western science has proven this to be unhealthy to both parents and severely detrimental to the development of the child. Imagine growing up in an environment where all is ostensible. Eventually the act can no longer be kept up; the arguments get louder and in due course spew out from the confines of your bedroom to the full view of your child. To many in Nigeria, we are taught that this is acceptable behavior, some of us might readily identify with the situation because at one point we were those children. Now imagine how sad you felt. It can be psychologically devastating to your child.

In my opinion (remember this is an opinion not a recommendation) do what your heart feels is best for you. Any man, who beats a woman to a pulp, is an animal and as such doesn’t deserve a woman of your capacity. I can understand if due to your traditional values and norms, you might want to keep the marriage going but at what cost? Let me remind you that there are thousands of women who get killed by their husbands during domestic disputes each year. The ones who are lucky to survive such brutal attacks are usually so badly disfigured that they pray for death. I bet you at this moment you’re thinking to yourself “ ahh that’s to extreme, Or no not my husband, he wouldn’t take it that far” but research states that a majority of women who have become victims of domestic abuse at some point, all said that. Now my question to you is this, if he beat you that bad then he had probably hit you before and is going to hit you again. So why wait. Plus he is having premarital affairs to add insult to injury. You must really love him, or suffer from a terrible case of inferiority complex.

As for the other insensible comments that were posted on this forum by other users in regards to this subject. You have affectionately displayed an inability to reason and empathize with a fellow user. I can only shudder when I read your post. How desensitized some have become, going as far as accusing the woman for causing her own perils. Once again I can only attribute such intolerable behavior to a severe lack of knowledge and understanding bar none.

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It's a pity that most men turn out to be beast in human bodies. Can you imagine that? beating your wife over something you actually did and he feels God would give him a pat on the back for a job well done?

Anyway, for you to have endured for the past 12 years shows you had really wanted to make it work. But know that it is not working what do you as a person think you should do? Listen to your heart and do whatever you feel would make you happy.

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What God has joined together, let no man put assurder. have you knelt down to pray about it? do you really believe in prayers? if yes, let your kneels do the work for you. it is well.

from richmike

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I think one of the reasons that divorce affect the children so much is that, the parents try to manage the relationship until they end up hating each other so much that you can feel it from miles away.

The woman is so full of bitterness and anger that she cannot together with the husband make the right decisions about how the kids can be properly brought up in the new circumstance (of divorce)

The reason she is bitter is that she waits and takes soooooooooo much from the guy, she is beaten, humiliated and treated unkindly that anytime she casts her mind back she hates herself and life.

Nobody prays for a divorce, but please women try to have a life.

May God help us.

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It is quite obvious that Frankies is a wife beater and if he is not married then he plans on being one. My prayer is that you find the woman that when you get crazy and decide to hit her, she will let you know that there are women and then there are women. Don't come on here spewing this nonsense and being so verbally abusive.

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poster, need u ask?

na wa oo

some ppl sef

do u need us to tell u yes bf u get rid of his lazy/cheating behind?

why do nigerians think twice b4 divorcing?

if the ur friends/family/nairalanders/ur kids---etc do no see sense, then they don't like u @ all.

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Your husband is a shameless pig that needs to be flogged. What nonsense? I cannot tell you what to do but I will tell you what I will do. I will either kick him out or I will leave for him if he refuses. He is not worth it and does precious girls that are the reason why you are here will think this is normal behavior for a man and put up witht he same thing in their marraiges. Leave now, atleast show your daughters what is not acceptable behaviour froma man.

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Those screaming "consider the kids"! "consider the kids"! should remember that the woman can only look after the kids when she's alive!

as if they need any encouragement.

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@ almondjoy and frankies

Your exchanges had me laughing so hard that i feel off my chair, you guys must really be in hate love, pls keep it coming we are really having a swell time reading ur exchanges.

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I have respect for men and believe the woman should submit to her own husband but subjugation and intimidation is what I would NEVER support. No matter what a woman does, it is UNmanly, crude, barbaric, animalistic and insane of a man? to raise a finger on a woman.  Real men keep themselves under check even when pushed to the wall.

If u have truly tried to reason with him to no avail, then I'd only say:

Pray for your husband but seperate from him. It is safer for all concerned(esp u and the kids). That is, take both physical and spiritual precautions and I'm sure all things will work out for your good, eventually.

@D-reloaded

True, my father cleaned up his acts when he realized he had lost a jewel. He actually said so with his own mouth after his come-back. My mum's a Secondary school teacher and taught us contentment and self-reliance becos we really had some rough times but she never lost her self-dignity. My father came to her virtually penniless. Even with the little she had, she brushed him up financially (d other woman had squeezed him dry.) and somehow, he began to pick up again. he's still picking up, some fires do die hard,,, thaht's y men should be very careful when being randy. And should always think 2ce.

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First consider the future of your kids

2nd consider the future of your kids

3rd consider you and the consider the future of your kids

Your kids might be minors now but your action will live with them for the rest of their lives. If the man is not totally mad, or something you have done has made him go sick of you.Am sure there is a pint of "the man u married" and the one eho wanted you to as his wife. Even some full time away player keep there families future intact.Except of because their is a reason not to.

I suggest you turn on all you feminine wiles and instincts and set the stage for serious talk- no treat nor fight- simply discuss-

[b]be warned [/b]it is not easy to bend iron but rit amount of heat can remould it"

Good luck!

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That is all you can say!

You son of a moronic bastard!  You have the guts to come out here and type your rubbish as usual.  You son of a shrine LovePeddler!  As long as I catch your fithy Bottom on this Nairaland, I say I will continue to deal with it!  To teach most of you a lesson.  When a fellow poster types anything you do not like---if you have any upbringing from your vagabonian existence you will have some reservation in how you address.

You failed 4th trimester abortion!  On account of the blunt hanger used in the attempt to dig your Bottom!  You call yourself a man!  Useless son  of a cork sucking babalowo shrine LovePeddler!

Men like you can only afford she goats for a wife like the one you say you are proud of!  Useless illiterate !  Like I told you.  Many men have advanced their careers sucking that same abunna in back of buses and have become presidents and you are here on Nairaland repeating the same old thrash from you partially aborted fingers!  You son of a K-legged albatross!  You call yourself a man?  You self-servicing, finger licking, she goat's Bottom sniffing PIG!

Keep advising women to stay with morons like you!  The last time I checked there were quite a good many willing to do just that!  You generational vagabond!

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Almondjoy, from me to you, what is this thing you have for frankies. It definitely is more than skin deep.

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Can you counterclaim that you are not a freakish specimen of botched genetics.Yeah, If you are not a mistake from a test tube experiment,you could have been reasoning constructively.

The next thing we will see is your silly advice for her to leave her marriage. I am really suprised that you don't even know how clueless you are in some vital issues.Yet you will now allow those that have something upstairs to contribute due to lack of space already occupied by an internet-addicted like you.

Let me tell you a plain truth. The earlier you admit you are a dumbass that does not know anything except to while away your silly flat Bottom on the internet,The earlier we can help to at least give you a brain of a 10year old to enable you reason to some extent as a child because right now , you reason like a rat.

The more I post this to you , the more annoyed I am of you. That if they give me a pistol on you, I will choose a double-barrel and send you to where you belong. you living-dead slowpoke.

I still know it is better for the lady to be with the hubby than becoming a divorced son-handling like you.

Bottom hole

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Goodmorning Frankies ma love. Is that all you can devote to your Nairaland wife? I am disappointed. Where is the fire?

I am happy you are able to concentrate and at least contribute to topics no matter how silly/trifling those idiotic contributions may be. I think you fit the profile of the poster's husband since you specialize in picking up both male and female sluts even when you confessed that you are a married man.  Well, men like you should be lined up and executed for daring to put your filthy leprous hands on any living thing.

How is your mama BTW, my mentor slut?  Even as she needs separate underwears to pack up all the hemorrhoids tagging along like all her children look--including you the chief hemorrhoid.  I see business is still good as she is still slutting on express ways in Nigeria while your father does the same by the Cotonou boarder.  You generational bastard!

The poster should sort which issue out?  !  If you had any iota of common sense you would have realized that a domestic environment would do more damage to the kids than separation from a Pig like you!  But what do you know? Since you spent all your life sucking abunnas behind molues to set up your 419 cyber "massage parlor for male sluts" in Otigba!  I knew you would condone such nonsense as the "bloody unholy ritualistic book" most of you men read upside down tells you. 

Men like you are professional vagabonds who constantly want a slave for a wife so you can carry out your base fantasies of domestic abuse on them.  If I were your ever-menstruating she-goat of a wife,  I would have long sent you to see your maker the devil, sent your carcass to Darfur to feed the hungry vultures there.  But wait a minute? She only has a brain of a she-goat and is not capable of knowing when an animal is entering or exiting any part of her orifices.  Perfect match then.

Next time try a real slut like myself and see if you even live to take a last breath as you lay those filthy fingers on any fly around your anus!

Cow!

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Even my parents never beats me, it will be a surprise, so how can a poor peasant that i chose to be with and respect turn on me. I will kick his butt out and he should not come back until he sobers up.

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Quote@poster

I am a married woman for 11 years now and have two beautiful and intelligent daughters. They are the sunshine of my life. Incidentally I am also a very educated woman anticipating to get a Phd in the next year or so. I have a decent job as a lecturer in a private university. I met my husband 12 years ago before I even made some of these achievements in life. I was studying for my 1st degree when we met. He by that time was employed in an engineering company. Education-wise I am more educated than him since he has only a diploma in engineering, he is a very bright and intelligent person which was one thing that attracted me to him since we had these very interesting conversations.

You said ur husband was working  as an engineer while u were in school and he never contributed to ur education? Sounds really strange my dear. that one thing that attracted you to him was his intelligence?

may be u were so naive to understand that intelligence and being well-bred are not always siamese twins? The question i want to ask is has he lost his intelligence? Since u ignored character and compatibility, the underlyng qualities that makes a lasting relationship and just held on to superficial 'intelligence'. You didn't mention, but i guess he's a 'fine boy' too.

I wish all the singles will learn from this age-long mistake, that knowing someone's  core-values is critical in relationships before u say 'i do'. Don't just discuss ur dreams and fantasies, any fool can dream of how

(s)he's going to be the best thing that has happened to the world!

Quote@Poster

D. WHEN I WENT BACK HOME I FOUND OUT THAT HE HAD BEEN TELLING HIS RELATIVES THAT HE IS JOINING ME IN THE US SO HE DID NOT SEE A NEED TO FINISH HIS EDUCATION. WE HAD NOT PLANNED TO COME TO THE US AT ALL AS A FAMILY SINCE WE HAD SO MANY ASSETS BACK HOME (FOR YOUR INFORMATION) HE SQUANDERED EVERY BIT OF IT WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.

If what u said here is entirely true, then ur husband is really in a pathetic state. He got to the point of believing that since u're in US  where u 'pick money on the side walk' he can now live a profligate life.

You still has not mentioned whether he lost his job or he's still working, though u insinuate he's been living largely off ur sweet.

First thing is to cut him off from that Western Union largesse that causes him to prostitute. His girlfriend will surely desert him once the juice stops flowing and that may (hopefully) start his healing process.

U've really done honorably so far, and i believe God will give you the strenght to finish strong.

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This is really doing my head in, frustrated, I wish i can help you more than this online words of advice, if you want to tell him to his face to stop beating you call me i will second you anytime. at least we can have a shouting match on him, as a way of preventing further wife-battery incidents

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Dear Poster,

I have read your post and all the advices given by fellow Nairalanders.

I am sorry about your marital ordeal.

Please, please and please………take a clue from this….it’s very good to seek for advise from people, listen to them, hear them out but be sure to do what you intuitively feel is right for you. People give advice based on their level of maturity, temperament,  understanding and experience. So whatever they say might not fit exactly into your situation. Let no one rule your life for you.

I deeply feel your pains but all I read from your post are lapses from your partner. Based on that, I can not hump into saying anything for now. 

If you don’t mind, I will like to chat with you on one-to-one.  I promise to counsel you and lead you through the process of decision making as regards this issue. I am not going to decide for you but I will help you see and clarify some key factors that you should base your decisions on.

If we’re on the same page, feel free to hallo at me on dorcasde@yahoo.com.

Peace!

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@poster. If all that you said in your response is true you are indeed a very strong woman.  You might be giving your husband the wrong solutions, he might not want to do masters etc. Men are adventurous in nature and completely different from woman. Enjoy you crossroads and advice yourself.

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Lose that capital letter.It pisses me off.

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i'm very sorry my sister just pray to God and he'll see you through. good luck

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Madam cry

For BETTER for WORST

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Wise counsel. Thanks.

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@poster,

I didn't see the last reply from the poster. I guess I skipped it. It is always good to give full detail of a case in the beginning instead of leaving members to guess what happened. That would have helped in shaping the direction of the thread.

That you are not living in Nigeria makes your case easier. You don't have much problem at all.

This is my advice:

Can him to order and have a heart to heart discussion with him when he is at his relaxed state. You lives together, and he isn't mad everyhour. Talk to him. Take him back to the good old day and remind him of the beautiful dream your shared; Your promising daughters etc. Then calmly, paint a gloomy picture of the scenerio before you. His change of attitude and transformation. Do this with intent to make him think and talk to you. You are a lecturer, don't lecture him. Create an atmosphere that would make him speak. Don't fear his beating you, be bold, yet humble. In short, let him say what he want, what is wrong with him. Let him talk. From his words, you would know whether to dump him or not. You are playing a chess, and this is countdown.

Give him another chance to change. If after that opportunity, he mess-up, sue him. You have a ground for divorce. Let me tell you that, if he is as useless as you portrait him, he would be the loser. I am sure, he would found himself back in Nigeria to trouble you no more. What an inglorious end to an insecured husband! You will get another husband if he leave. If your daughters have already witnessed their father's behavior, they won't miss him.

I know a lady who once passed through your case.

I insist however, that divorce should be your last option.

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to my knowledge according to the Bible the only grounds for divorce is adultery

My dear he has strayed twice, now unless u two are willing to get things better, let him go

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Who gives a bloody damn on what mistakes were made? As long as beating is involved the most idotic thing a female can do is STAY and "think" he'll change. Abusers NEVER change. They just tend to hide it well.

I hope you tell a sister or whomever to stay in an abusive relationship all in the name of "I dont believe in sdivorce" but you believe in a woman dying for the cause.

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