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What Are Your Views On Divorce?

Hi guys,

In Western worlds, divorce is very common, as a matter of fact, it happens almost everyday. Two people decide to come together and take a vow to share the rest of their lives together, forever. Both after a while for one reason or the other they want out and want to go their seperate ways; sometimes not even considering the fact they children are involved. Some of them go into marriage and come out quickly why others stay together for 10 years and more before they decide they want out.

In Nigeria, we attach importance to keeping our marriage vows and maybe that is why divorce is not so common here but it does happen, yes, Nigerians do divorce but very insignificant figure. That notwithstanding, not all marriages are rosy but the couples still decide to stick together or more like co-exist. But is it really worth it? why suffer in silence? why not go separate ways like people in the western world and find happiness with someone else? what is stopping us? what are we afraid us? or are we trying to uphold moral values, but don't your happiness count? Your views are welcomed.

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148 answers

Very controversial topic

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I would never want to divorce, ever. However, if i am married and my husband puts my childrens lives in danger numerous times, does not see any need to change, i will leave him. ill love my husband plenty but my children will win everytime.

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Hi to all here,

My views on divorce is a way to separate married individuals with certain problems like infidelity or incapacity. In my opinion it is okay to divorce someone

especially if the grounds is legal and appropriate, yes it is very difficult to undergo such situation like divorce especially when you don't have any knowledge

or even idea about laws on divorce. Life is always unpredictable.

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@topic

As long as there is marriage there will still be divorce. Because some marriages work, and some don't.

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I live in a Western Country that only legalised divorce in 1996, and

that also has the lowest divorce rate in Europe and highest birth rate.

Despite the legalisation of divorce in Ireland, It is quite difficult to

obtain a divorce (you must be seperated for 4 yrs)

I think that Ireland is one of the few Western Countries that are

very family orientated and respect marriage and family.

We never lost our tradition of huge families and I think that

reflects in our divorce history and statistics.

So it should be said, that all this bashing of Westerners is ignorant

as every country is different.

I am sure Nigerians would not appreciate Westerners comparing

their crime statistics with South Africa just because they're both

situated in Africa.

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well as much as i love my hubby i will divorce him if he cheats on me,abuse me emotional or physical.life is too short to live unhappy.

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If it won't be able to work. Divorce. Life is too short to be unhappy.

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avoidable---and should be a last rsort only if life is threatened

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well in my own line of reasoning, i feel a broken relationship is better than a broken marraige

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Divorce is NOT an option!

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where divorce is not advisable seperation(living apart) is an option.

some talk about the children suffering without a father.which is better for the children to live without a father or to live under a slow beast for a father. hearing,seeing and learning all sort of bad manners from him who beats up their mother,cheats

i agree with this one, divorce is not advisable seperation maybe living apart is one of the option,

but other wants divorce bcoz they ca marry again, what for? how did you know that this new man in your life is immaculate,

what a heck? wherever you go if really destine to happen in your life it will be happen, prayer is the number one key to be succesful in marriage.

is anyone here pray for their marriage to be successful or pray everymorning and say thank you God that i am still alive and for all the graces you've given me.and sorry for all my sins, maybe not bcoz they are too busy of her social life in this sinful world and they forgot who creates them.

you have lots of sacrifices, try to pray, but dont

ask anything you want, just let the GOD to guide your life, thats why people always a hard time bcoz they want to go with their own way,

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@ 2cantango. bless you. aint chewing ur head off rather a pat ur head.

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where divorce is not advisable seperation(living apart) is an option.

some talk about the children suffering without a father.which is better for the children to live without a father or to live under a slow beast for a father. hearing,seeing and learning all sort of bad manners from him who beats up their mother,cheats endlessly on her etc.many single parents bring up useful children.so what the heck!

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not like i im in support of divorce but why stay in a marriage and suffer

when both parties are no longer happy.

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if u no wan stay make u GO

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i hate divorce, full stop

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Divorce is an ill-wind that blows no one any good.

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@ ono

if you ever read my post i will like to have a word with you. i mean chat. i have somethings i will like to ask you,

please reply to this post

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I hope and wish I never get a divorce. My parents have a wonderful marriage and I hope I have the same. When I was younger I used to find this really annoying and sometimes I still do, cause they act like they just got married or something even though they been married for gazzillion years. These days, I pay attention to them though, to try and find out what makes the marriage works and hopefully, I too can have a long-lasting union like that. (So far i've concluded that humor and the ability to laugh at themselves and at difficult situations and even dumb things is a key ingredient in their union). Also, maintaning a good level of trust and respect between each other.

However, I also understand that this is not the case for many people, so there's no reason to criminalize people who get divorce. Marriage should be 50/50, somewhat. Every now and then it might be like 40/60 and maybe even 20/80 but things should even out eventually. Meaning majority of the time, things should be fairly balanced, otherwise it will quickly put a strain on the person being taken advantage of.

I believe in doing your best to make your marriage work, but things like infidelity, mental and physical abuse, etc,  will definitely make it difficult to continue a marriage and we all have different levels of tolerance, not to mention that these things weaken the trust and bond between the two people.

Again, I hope I never get a divorce but I know that things and people change and these days, divorce is not too far from reality. And I believe people who have been through divorce can sometimes be more discerning and careful when they get married again.

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find another man to married you

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@nferyn, I think I'll rather you lecture us (your usual manner) on Divorce. Y'know, the definition, history, widespread and all that. Then tell us why it's good or bad.

Personally, everything that affects humankind and works against the injunctions in the Bible, is automatically rejected by me. That's why I post ''my claims and reasoning applies to Christians only'' in my replies.

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If you're not married, then I think it will do you well to just sit back and learn from people with experience. Your contributions are well noted sha.

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Now, there goes nferyn again! Hey man, what have you been up to lately?

@Kasali: It takes the likes of a JOGS family member to post such brilliant and thought-provoking entry on this burning matter. Up JOGS!!

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@uhonmora, Thank you Sir for the compliment.

@Nairaland users,

Let us remind ourselves that marriage is commanded by God; and whatever God ordains, He will surely maintain.

Cakes are sweet but have you try tasting the ingredients one by one? Some are sweet while some are not palatable at all. Take the unpalatable ingredients out of it, no chef can make a cake out of what is left. Its a mixture of the good, the bad and the ugly that makes the cake.

See our bitter and sweet experiences as the ingredients, God as the chef and marriage as the cake. The beginning may not always be sweet but with God, the end result is always sweet.

Nobody wants to eat Bitter-leaf but we love the soup. It requires patience, hard work and a good chef to transform the leaf into the soup.

We worry about everything but never pray about anything. What peace we often forfeit, what needless pain we bear all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

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For you all considering divorce, before you throw in the towel, do you know that:

- Remarrriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. We think if we just change partners, our problems will be solved. Not so!

- Men, women and children all do better on in intact, successful first marriages - on all the measures: health, wealth, satisfaction and success. Work things out and you'll all be better off in the long run.

- Marriages, like everything else, go through slumps - down times. And things often get better on their own with time. Research points out that many who reported that their marriages were at the bottom of the scale on marital satisfaction, when asked again five years later, reported being at the top on marital happiness. When asked what changed, many had no idea. It seems that keeping your vows - hanging in through the "for worse" times, can get you to the promised land. Get married, stay married. People going through unhappy periods in their marriage fantasize about getting out of their marriage and falling in love with someone new. It leads to much more happiness - in the long run, if you can fall back in love with the person with whom you have children, extended family and a history -someone who will enjoy the grandkids with you.

- You can get past affairs, betrayals, disappointment, boredom and burnout and come out better and stronger than before.

- Perhaps you're in a remarriage and are struggling to avoid divorcing for the second, third or fourth time. Take a basic marriage counseling course. The skills and information that work for first marriages, will also work for you. This will also work for couples on the brink of divorce - couples in the deep end of the ocean who feel they've fallen out of love. You CAN learn new ways to interact - and by so doing, can fall in love again.

Divorce will never make you happy. At all cost avoid it.

"Divorce causes a decrease in wealth that is larger than just splitting a couple’s assets in half. By the same token, married people see an increase in wealth that is more than just adding the assets of two single people. On the other hand, divorce can devastate your wealth. Divorce drops a person's wealth by an average of 77%. If you really want to increase your wealth, get married and stay married." - Jay Zagorsky, Ohio State, Journal of Sociology, Jan 2006

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@Chief2B, Nawah, Dupsybaby , et al

In as much as the clause in marital vow reads ", till death do us part." and not ", till divorce do us part." and the vow was not taken under duress or influence of some substance, I take going contrary to this promise as a lack of credibility and integrity on your part. When you give your word, be a man and stand by it. Do your best to make it work.

No one promised you marriage is a bed of roses,  its got its own "thorns in the flesh" and "Crosses" -of different sizes, to be carried. Do we quit bacause we think a cross is too big to carry? Think about this: If Christ had dropped the cross -because it was too heavy or because of the hardness of our hearts and our un-repentant nature, what hope will we have today of reconciling with our Father?

We all love gold don't we,  we all want our relationships/ lives to sparkle like pure gold yet none of us is ready to go through the fire -the purification stage; we all want the end result. God has His ways of molding/strengthning us and preparing us for greater responsibilities. Your spouse may be what God is using,  don't dodge your probleams,  deal with them. God never gives you a cross He knows you cannot carry.

Also imagine God taking this words out of His dictionary: Love, forgiveness, patience, long-suffering, resignation, forbearance, perseverance, and the likes; then we are all doomed. God never gives up on us till death takes us from this earth. Take these words, add prayer and "effective" communication (not just talking) and you will never regret keeping your family.

@Chief2B,  Habits are not formed overnight. Its either:

1- These traits existed in Wife #1 & #2 but you ignored or failed to address them during courtship  (Love was blind but marriage now opened your eyes), OR

2- These women changed after marriage. Mind you "Change" is the result of our reactions to situations around us. Search yourself, OR

3- YOU changed somewhere along the line.

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Sir, do you communicate with your wives at all? I don't mean talk, "Communicate", question and answer, finding out what they really want from you and what they expect of your relationship, Spend less time on CNN and BBC (complaints and gists about other people) tune more to Discovery Channel.

Going by 1 & 2 above, I see you as a hard working man who bursts his a.s.s. day and night to satisfy his wife. But at what expense do you meet these demands? You sacrifice spending quality time for making money. Marriage is not about the money (though its an important fuel in keeping it growing), its about companionship. They find companionship elsewhere now the blame is all theirs. Haba! If there is no crack in the wall lizards cannot come in. Seal the cracks. Spend more time with them. Start to work SMARTER not HARDER.

On #3, Mr Clean, how were you coping with her "I don't care" and dirty attitudes before marriage? Use the same methods,

Sir Ono, E be like say this man dey hide plenty from nairalanders.

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OK, I'm totally confused now. Just how did I turn her into a drug addict?

Why am I being compared to Bobby Brown? I never gave my ex any drugs, and after seeing my brother become an addict I was totally against drugs. Is Whitney a grown adult supposedly capable of making adult and mature decisions regarding her life? Did Bobby hold a gun to her head and make her take the drugs?

Drugs are a part of reality. They are here and they will always be a problem for the world to eventually try and solve.

I have no pity or compassion for addicts. My ex-wife was not only an addict but she was also a dealer. I have no tolerance for the people who destroy other peoples lives by supplying them with this garbage.

And I'll be damned if I stay married to a piece of filth such as this.

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I will tell you all a true life story here.

I know a Baptist pastor who's currently into soul winning activities via sending encouraging words to people by e-mail. I receive his words of encouragement daily and have been better for it.

According to one of his mails to us, late last year, he got married to the woman of his dreams some years back.  A very beatiful and loving woman.He wasn't a pastor when they got married. But after a couple of years, a strange ailment from nowhere brought this woman down. This woman woman was diagnosed with osteoporosis - a very chronic and devastating disease of the bones typical among the women folks in the US. She was dying. Her once beautiful and flowing hair started falling off, she lost weight. It was a terrible experience for this man.

But, all throught the years, with love and care for this woman, he stood by her. He's an old man now. No issue from the woman, yet he stood by her. He told us in that mail that if Christ can come and die for our sins, bear the shame, the beating and spitting, the cross for the sins of the whole world, why will he not stand by his beautiful wife, who was suffering for something she did not know anything about. In fact her sufferings even made him to want to stay with her all through her lifetime. It's through her sufferings that he set up this words of encouragement ministry.

Now, from what I've been reading here, none of you guys/ladies/men will want to do such a thing. You will pack your baggage at the slightest provocation. You forget that you vowed to take care of this woman/man all through his/her lifetime, in pain and in peace.

It is selfishness that's the root of all divorce cases. It's intolerance, inability to forgive and forget, inability to condescend so low as to say, I'm sorry for all I've done to your grieving spouse. -  something that Christ did for you while you were yet in sin. In any case, the Word of God said all these will happen in the last days. So, I'm not very surprised. Men(and women alike) shall be lovers of their own selves, boastful, proud, haters of things that are good etc etc l

Those of you who say I've put myself in Gods position should be reminded that even men will judge angels on the last day. Not ordinary men, but men filled with the Holy Spirit of God.   

1 Corinthians 6:3

Know ye not that we shall judge angels? how much more things that pertain to this life?

And please, my entries apply to Christians only. You've got to be ''renewed'' to know what I'm saying in here.

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@chinani,

I'm happily married. And I know the feeling.

@dupe,

I'm not God. Maybe you need to read my earlier entries on this divorce matter. And remember, the present is the key to the past

@chief2b,

You're not a christian, so, my reasoning does not apply to you. Goodluck. But be reminded that you turned that woman to a drug addict. Just the way Bobby Brown turned Whitney Houston to one and is trying to dump her now.

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@ ono

No, I am not a Christian. My State job was that I was a supervisor at Angola State Prison. Here I was "guarding" the same people that my wife had become. If they had raided my house with the drugs there, I would have been incarcerated in the same place where I was working. Knowing this, do you think that she really cared for me by putting me into a situation such as this?

When she got so deep into the drugs and refused help, the woman that I knew, in my eye, had died. Friends came to my and told me that while I was out of town, for up to 2 weeks at a time, she was cheating on me. Does that sound like she really cared for me?

Yes, I loved and cared for the woman that I married, not the woman that she eventually became.

No man or woman should be commited to a life of misery in an unhappy marriage.

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You'd better go back to this woman and take her back.

The woman you're staying with now is not your wife.Pls leave her because you are preventing another man from getting his blessings. And you must release her to go and meet her real husband

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Ono na wa for you o, haba who are you to declare chief2B as a sinner,and then to pass judgement saying the woman he is with now is not his wife,should go back to his first wife with all that command.

Think am missing something ,when were you appointed God on earth?

You sure derive pleasure in reminding people of their forgotten painful past.

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It's not clear at all. My dad has beaten my mum in time past. And I'm a key witness. That's why I'm against it. He gave his life to Christ and all that beating stopped.

Because my mum got beaten by my dad did not make her leave home. She stayed and prayed for his salvation. My mum is a Godly woman and I'm very proud of her. My dad went to be with the Lord in 2004, at the ripe age of 79years. After his salvation, he became the greatest dad in the world for me and my brothers and sisters.

The message here is that no matter what you are passing through in your marriage, you have no excuse to want to leave your spouse. You are in thesame boat and you've got to swim or sink together if that boat capsizes. Except you're not married to that man/woman, you cannot leave him/her.

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Oga Ono it is clear that you have never had such terrible experiences.

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Madam Nawah, there's really nothing painful in this thing o. And I'm not a sadist.

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Now we are dealing with a man. Interesting.

But Chief2b, are you a Christian? It would be very difficult to join issues with you on this one if you're not. But if you are, then, a lot needs to be done on your part. So, I will reason with you with the assumption that you're a Christian.

Wife No 1.

Your true, original + real wife:

You're hiding something from us here. When you cajoled, dated, loved and eventually married this woman, was she doing drugs at that time? Did anyone forced you to marry the woman at that time? Did you not promise to love, care and cherish her until death part you both? Why is it that it was the time she needed you most (doing drugs) that you decided to leave her? You were not loving and caring. And[b] her blood might be required from you[/b] on the judgement day.

You remind me of Bobby Brown, who's filed for divorce against Whitney Houston because of her present predicament, which he, by his actions, caused this lovely woman.

You'd better go back to this woman and take her back.

The woman you're staying with now is not your wife. Please leave her now because you're preventing another man from getting his blessing. And you must release her to go and meet her real husband.

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Sometimes a marriage can go bad. Why stay in a unhappy and potentially health ruining marraige? I have been married 3 times. The first marriage ended when I can home early from work and found about 4 kilos of marijuana sitting on my kitchen table. While I was working in a State Government job my wife decided to deal drugs while I was out of town. Now, would you stay in the marriage knowing that you could possibly be facing a prison term?

The second marriage ended after 8 years. If a person says that a man can not get abused in a marriage they are wrong. I suffered not physical abuse but mental abuse. I worked 2 jobs just to put my wife through college. When she got her degree it seemed that she had no use for me anymore. She refused to spend anytime with me, sex was out of the question. I'm a neat freak, so when I would come home after work, the house was totally trashed. She didn't care, she knew I would be cleaning it up. So after working 12 hours, I would be up another 6 hours cleaning, doing laundry etc. After about 2 years I had enough and got divorced.

I am now married to the most wonderful woman. We spend time together, we share in all the household duties, she supports me and I support her.

So yes, I agree in divorce because why stay in a crappy marriage when both could be happy with a divorce.

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Divorce is the God-sent insurance into the unpredictable world of marriage.

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well i think in some situations divorces are needed

its true it affects the children but you cant keep living under the same roof with you spouse if

ya'll aint happy.there are certain things that cannot be worked out

, when theres abuse, adultery, divorce straight.!!!!!! is something that needs to happen

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Divorce?

Too ugly to think of.

Is it the consequences- to the parents, then basically to the CHILDREN.

I don't pray or wish for one even when all isn't getting fine.

It's better you wait patiently before going into marriage if for the sake of the children you gonna have.

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I think it only affects d children

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Are you married? If yes, then when you divorce that man, you must remember that you're not going to have to marry another man.

If you're not, take time to pray for your would-be husband today. Tell God to lead you to the man perfect for you. And He will do it. We've had to deal with too many terrible situations on marriages in this world. Peace.

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Think of men and women who have to put up with repeated physical abuse or a promiscous spouse with all this AIDS scare. I would divorce if my marriage wasn't happy or if it put my life or my children's in danger, but only as a last resort.

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i'll move on with my life

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answer this all of you,

how will u feel , or wot will u do, when u have 7 kids, and u found out on an unfaithful day, that ur husband his dead, . wot will u do, , this is a life issue, and i need ur answer, just like someone i know have been through it , that i know off.

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Well, capital NO. Ok, thanks for the reply.

Now, my people, it beats me that there are people who can be heartless in our societies, men and women alike. @nawah, two wrongs does not make a right, y'know. I'll leave this matter to rest now. Let God take control. He knows I've done His bidding on this.

Peace.

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Now to your question Ono,

WHen I left my husband and my marriage, I gave up everything I worked to build up in Nigeria, my Career, friends.

The answer is NO Never. MY God that man treated me llike his servant in the day and his LovePeddler at night. No never.

There is no secret about why I rushed into my marriage - I was unwanted at home and despite my good education I was never the kind of girl who could live on her own.

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counsellor ono, just for the records; are you married?

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Hmmm I have a PTA to attend, will post on this later.

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