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Why Do Kids Hate Their Step Parents?

Why do kids hate their stepfather? What can be done to eradicate the hate?

Does a mother have the right to choose a side? Her child or her husband?

Imagine a kid going to his mother and complaining about his step father, and then the step father scowling his wife for listening to her child.

Do steps automatically lead to the broken communication between a mother and her child?

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36 answers

Omo ti'o ba k'eko ni le, a ko ni ta- a child that does not learn at home will learn outside

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Exactly.

The real lessons in life are learned outside homes though they begin from home.

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That is very true especially where their own parents had establised effective bond.

Nevertheless, it is very essential for kids to learn how to adapt to change. Those who fail to adapt often grow up with negative conditioning. I am yet to see where someone who could not embrace change succeed in life.

Parents, whether step or real parents must understand this and learn to help kids adapt to changes. Failure to do so have a great consequence.

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They instantly see any man/woman coming into their parent's lives as the enemy. Some kids would never accept anybody as good enough for their father or mother.

Thats what I mean by dramatic.

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Thats a gud que,but u forgot to ask her if she's also a step child.

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@spikedcylinder,

you are right. But why are they?

@sister woman,

well if you have difficulties in getting children to consistently perform their chores, then that cause for more works from you.

Please don't forget to hug their dad also. It multiplies the affection.

Iice,

thanks for that. It is well.

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I am going home tonight to hug my kids.

I am so lucky to be their mom and to have them in my life.

And here I am fretting because my biggest challenge with them is getting them to consistently do their chores.

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@karmabod,

you didn't have to say it. You see, by using MOST MEN, you must have done research on it. Well, it will surprise you to know that men who don't care about what happen to their children rarely bother to take the child from the mother when they are parting. And if they do, they are always quick to dispatch the unlucky child to an old grandma, never to check on them unless they happen to lose their ability to bear children again.

Which ever the case, I know that even some men in marriage don't care for their own children talkless of another man children. Let just learn to recognize them before they invade our homes. Whether man or woman, prevention is better than cure.

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Outstrip,

I am sure you said that because you are fortunate to have a good obedien child and a good partner. Some parents are just not as lucky!

When there is a balance, it make parents proud. But that doesn't mean it is flawless.

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@ebony,

that is why I said the child would need help. You may have to force them sometimes. Yielding to kids demand everytime, whether rational or irrational is the most wicked thing any parent can do to their children.

Let me give you a simple explanation. Some children, if given the chance would choose not to go to school. I am one of them! I remember, I hate school when I started my primary one. My mom has to cajole me by giving me food packed in my school box. But after a year, of forceful attendance, I started loving it. If parents were to give in to my "want" knowing that I am picking the wrong choice, I doubt if I would sit here today and blame myself!

Most cases of juvenile delinquent are moulded at home, when a child get everything and had the final say in everything, just because the parents love him.

Another case is that of school experience. You may like a particular teacher and detest another. Just because a student hate a teacher doesn't mean that teacher must be withdrawn from his class. Yet, that is exactly what some parents do.

If the man is good and upright, if he know his onion and is worthy to be a father, a brother, a husband; if you are convinced beyond doubt that this man was righteous, by any means, give him a free hand to help you kid and never side with any of them.

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I can't put anybody before my children. I can't even imagine it but I can see how it can be a tough life if your significant other thinks that their love is not returned or they feel neglected

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CodeRED,

you are very correct in your observation. Let me add that there is no use in proceeding to marriage no matter how strong a love relationship is, if the man does not know how to relate with kids. Whether you have a child before or not. It is by ignoring this very important observation that man great love, resulted in lavish wedding, and ended with social nuisance as kids. It is by ignoring this fact that many women find out later that they are made to bear the responsibility of raising the kids alone. It is by ignoring that observation that some women end up with a husband that will sleep soundly at night while the woman keep awake all night singing to a wailing baby. It is not the final test, but like you put it, acid test.

As for kids that are selfish, that is equally true. I said it earlier. To be sure, one to know if indeed they are selfish.

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@kamabod,

can you say because some men are insensitive, then every man is insensitive? That is a fallacy over overgeneralisation. We tend to look at the society one where an individual would represent the whole community.

A criminal was caught in Nigeria, therefore all Nigerians are criminals! Some men flirt in marriage, therefore all men are unfaithful! A man isn't concerned about his child, therefore all men are like him,

It is the thinkings like these that hinder societal growth and cripple mutual trust. Most people now go into relationship expecting a cheating partner, and to their prediction, they get what they imagined. If only they had been told that our thought are very capable of transforming to reality if watered enough in a fertile environment.

Men that didn't introduced their kids to their would be wives are just like women who don't. It is those who have something to hide that would behave that way. We all know our society is not perfect, so expecting everyone to do good is a sign of weakness.

Man or woman, if you already have a kid then introduce him to your spouse before marriage. Anything else is an attempt to hide something and then pave the way for conflict at home.

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Ebony silk,

What is a psychological problem? It is a problem connected with a person's mind,

The problem is in the mind. FYI, what we thinks affect our persons and at times can become a social desease at the extreme. I can assure you that most of the social problems we are seeing are cases that were implanted first in the mind of the suffers. It is when they don't recieve the right attention that they become diseases.

Let me give an example. A kid whose dad had just remarried loathed the step mum so much. The step mom is a nice no nonsense woman. But the child never get to like either her or the father. So they don't live together but live within the same compound. The father is a womanizer and the circustance of his dumping the child mother was brutal and still fresh. The child, probably believed he was not loved so he didn't get along with step mom. The grand mother lived in the same compound, so it turned out that he prefered staying with grannie than his parent.

He grew up in such environment, untreated, and isolated from his dad. As a grown up man, he started seeing the world with disgust. He trusted no one and treat women like a game,

It is a long story. I know because the boy in question was my childhood friend. We lived in the same compound and played together. When I grew up I became another man. I was not infected with his "stinkin thinkin" because my parents protected.

When I was 18, I had to leave my parent and live with the boy's parent-his dad and step mom. By then, I had develop inquisitive mind that enable understudy the family. Luckily the said boy was living with us too, this time, far away from the grand mother. Yet, he didn't settle well in the family because he had conditioned his mind not to accept them as parent due to what happened to his mom,

And if the problem is because he felt that he had not been introduced to the man, then it is easily solved. But in this case, they are already living together. So that can't be the case.

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Exactly my point. That is why in the earlier portion of my post I specifically outlined the reason why the children must be used as "litmus" paper. If a man or a woman cannot love the children of their spouse like their own, then i am sorry, they aren't capable of loving their mate. In my previous career I can still remembering having to shelter children who couldnt go home because the stepdad hated them, or the stepmom didnt want them around. My heart goes out to anyone who has to endure such things. I guess we have been fortunate. My sister's first son is not her husband's but you will never know. he treats both kids as his own. Too bad we arent blessed with many men of this calibre anymore. And I am not excluding the women either. I have heard and seen step-children suffer at the hands of stepmom. How heartless, afterall, many of them have children themselves.

I suggest your friend gets help and fast. The experiences she endure today can significantly alter her life later on.

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Well like most said it's not ideal to just marry a person without letting your kids know what's going on and let them gauge him/her themselves.

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But some children are not so fortunate, esp when they're dealing with withdrawal. No one is listening, they get abused and beat around by their step father, etc, what if that child does not make it through.

Like I said, one of my friend turned to smoking and drinking as a relief. Will she go to college? Don't think so.

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This is indeed a very sensitive and controversial issue.  Like I advised a brother of mine once, I will likewise do the same. Anyone with intentions of entering a "ready-made" family should use their children as "litmus" paper.  You can tell a lot about someone, in the way they deal with offsprings that aren't biologically theirs.

On the other hand, I know of unruly children who just set out to destroy great marriages because of personal ill-feelings toward the step.  Now in this case those involved needs to take their happiness into consideration. Am I going to give up a great hubby because my child doesnt like my choice? Hell NO, very soon he or she will be off to college out of my house. They will soon be having their own families, leaving me all alone.

As I said, to each its own, In the end one's happiness should be paramount in any decisions we make in life. Just my two cents.

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Teenagers hate change. . . .esp, when it comes to a replacement on the hierarchal ladder. Now, someone is controlling their mother, and them.

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How many men do this before they bring in new wife

Although I agree with sistawomen, it's usually women who feel out/care if the kids like the dude. Most men dont give a damn as long as they someone to keep in bed at night.

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Maybe he simply does not want a replacement for his father, or maybe he felt hurt because the stepfather was not introduced to him.

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This is selfish dont you think? Especially since this doesnt happen in all situations concerning step parents.

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this is always a difficult situation and needs understanding and comminucations ,do not take side as u will end up hurting ur children or ur husband,its important u let them know that u love them all and they are part of ur life and that u want them all to get along. counselling will be a great help to the kids as they are being insecure and needs reasurrance that they are still loved and nothing will change that

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That will be if the child has a psychological problem. In that case the parents must help him. Still the root cause must be ascertained.

Let assumed that a child don't want to have anything to do with a step dad. He must either have seen something in that man that created the resentment or he felt the man is there for the wrong reason. If that child is matured, a grown up, then he must be seeing, or thinking of something negative about the man. In such case, he need to be educated. He need to be persuaded. He also need to open up. And if he stubornly refused to see reason, he should be left alone! But not totally alone.

But if the child is immatured and young, he may be feeling insecured, and uncertained about future. (I assumed that the step dad is perfectly okay in all departments). To help him my earlier suggestions applied.

But if by your question, you mean he doesn't want to have anything to do with any step dad at all. Then the problem is psychological.

To that, I will ask you a question: when you want to inject a sick child with a syringe. What happened? Resistance as a result of fear. But eventually you have to calm the child down one way or the other. Either by force or by persuasion,

Use the same trick,

Additionally, one need to take into consideration the circumstance of his real dad departure. In whatever case it may be, know the cause before applying remedy.

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Olajim, your points are clear and brilliant. ese n.

One question: What if the child simply wants nothing to do with the stepdad?

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@Ebony silk,

the solution is simple but would demand wisdom.

First you need to put what Siena said in consideration. I mean communication. Whether with mum or kids, communication( not talking) is a great weapon that can solve any problem.

One way to tackle such case is to unravel the cause of problem.Then who is culpable. Is the man responsible? Are the kids just being emotional?Dissect the problem and try to get the facts. Once you are able to locate the root of the problem, then you can proceed to solve it.

Let assume that the kids feel insecured and think the step dad want to deprieve them of their mum's love. What to do is to first talk to the man in private. The man must realise he had a role to play and must be able to play his part well. Unless he is a wicked, or immatured person, he should be able to understand. The kids need to be carried along. They need to be informed. They need to be convinced. This is one of the things that happen in marriages. That is what make marriage challenging. I believe any man that can not handle such a scenerio will not be able to handle even his own child when he run into serious problem that involve the kids. Little wonder why many parents can't control their own children.

I have seen alot of that scenerio where a father find it hard to communicate with his own son. Like the one I handled two weeks ago.

If you felt that you and the step dad can't handle it, engage a counsellor. It helps.

On the other hand, if there real father is still alive, and you find that the kids' behaviour is because they want to be reunite with him, I think it is wise to let the go! But do it after having talk to them.

@hauwa,

hmmm, no one pray to have more than one husband, but sometimes, it is only way to be sane when things don't work the way they are planned. For instance some couple that married early may lose of the partner. Most around late 20s to early 40s can't cope alone.I think remarrying is good for them if they found the right mam

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Imagine a peaceful home, mother and child. Been living alone for a while. . . .then this guy comes him and took command of everything.

No child wants that. I think it's best if the mother remarries when the child is very young. So he can adapt to him better

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It's a tricky one when it comes to relationships between your children and their step father.

I also feel first priority should be the children, especially if they're young.

Kids are pretty perceptive - they can usually tell if their step father loves them, likes them, or merely tolerates them for the sake of their mom.

Before things progress to the "getting married" stage, it's prudent to let the children get to know their future step father at their own pace - without pressure from either their mom or her partner.

Children can also hide their true feelings from their mom, and feel they have to like her partner, because he "makes mom happy", and they feel it's the right thing to do. So, it all depends on how close a mother is to her children, if there's good communication between them, they'd definitely let mom know how they feel about the new guy.

Sometimes, children can resent their step father, depending on why their biological father is no longer in the picture.

So, there are a fair few factors to consider.

If you get married before you sort out "loose ends", without knowing how your children feel, then there's going to be conflict.

You can't force your children to feel something for your new man if they genuinely don't connect with him, and if you're unfortunate to be caught between a rock and a very hard place, then you've only yourself to blame.

And you'll have to handle things the best way you can.

But ultimately, your children come first.

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@ topic

Some kids never really like my stepparents, they see them as intruders or outsiders coming in and disturbing the family setting they are used to, but if the child is mature enough to appreciate that their parents' hapiness is also important there can be compromise. As for the young ones I think that it takes patience and bonds need to be formed, which can take time. Here the adults must be the ones to really understand how child feels about the situation and encourage them to open up to your partner.

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After seeing someone for a while I know if my kids will like him or not. I also know that it is very important that they like him before i make him thier step-dad.

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Nice idea! A woman who had kids and need to remarry must learn to see the beauty of that act.

When you have someone you want to marry, then bring him home! Let him get familiar with the kids. Let the kids see him. It is important. At that stage you will see the sign of hamony or discord between them. It is a clear sign.

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Thank God I have never had to deal with this.  I always veted my men for 6 months before introducing them to the children.  There by getting rid of most in the first 6 weeks.

But my children love their step-dad.  Because they are so young i know that as they get older and turn into teenagers the "I hate step-dad" will be because they are teenagers and teenagers hate everyone.

I hope thou that our bonds created by then can withstand that phase in life.

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Well, I am not married. But I have seen difference type of marriages.

Regarding the topic. Children can be selfish when it come to issue like this. If their father is late, they would wish he were alive. In truth, the mother have a role to play. But taking or not taking side is out of place. If you want the man to treat the kids as his, then she must not interfere. Even real fathers disagree with their kids.

At any rate, it depend on the personalities involved and the kind of father they had.

If they are used to pampering by old father while step dad is a moralist, the mother must not intervene! She either take the kids to the father's parent or let a real man teach them moral. That is if she want the new marriage to stand.

However, if the step dad is overzealous type whose idea is out of place, the blame is on the mother for marrying him. In such case, the rule remains. DON'T ARGUE IN FRONT OF CHILDREN. The adult would sort it out in private. And if they need to split to bring peace to the home so be it! I just hope they have no kid between them, But if they have kids, then commmmon sense will solve the problem.

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It is a very tricky situation you cant take sides because one person will have to suffer. Either your children or the husband, You just have to keep telling your children and your husband they are all part of your life .If you don't listen to the children it will break down communication , they will feel you chose a man over them.Your husband should be able to understand as he is older that the children will feel a form of resentment towards him.Just keep talking and showing your love and affection towards them,and try not taking anybodies side if you can i know it is a very very difficult thing to do.In my own experience my father took his children's side which i loved (when i was younger)even if i knew it damaged his marriage in a way but i felt he owed it to us to protect us from her.

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I think its natural. Every individual would find it very difficult getting along with a stranger.

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