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Dating a Married Man: what do Nigerians think?

What would you say about ladies dating married men? Is it right or wrong?

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@papermoon:

I admire your honesty, regardless of the risks. That was a very bold and personal confession, one which I am sure will cause many here in NL to think twice. Your ability to "tell it like it is" was very refreshing, and brutally honest.

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I had alot of interest in your story I defenitely thing it will help me. I only wish when it helps my brain it could help my heart too. Tahnk you for sharing such a personal subject.

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Hi papermoon

Thanks for story i think many girls and guys will learn a lesson from your story

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thanks girl

ur story will help many people when making desicions

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if i put myself in similar situation, no way

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why did you have to revenging on the girl. is she because she have talk true about her relayschinshirp with a married men?

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i don't know what to say, This is just above me, I must revenge on the girl.

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@chinani,

thanks girl, yes i am nigerian(father),with a lot of mixed race going on(mum is a mix of everything you can think of, lol).but its all good cus i still represent for naija anytime.

and YES.i am getting on a book, will let you know how that goes, and you are an aspiring writer??, good on you girl, i love writing too, we could swap ideas and read one anothers material.i love reading stuff thats genuinely written by someone who has their heart in it.

thanks for the mail, now im even more determined to get on things and make the memoirs happen, and you just gave me an idea, a memoir would be spot on.

thanks

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@ papermoon

thanks for posting your story. and YES, you should get on a book (then a film) idea. and fast. what i loved about your story, was the HUMANITY of it all. that's what i hate about affairs/adultery and other rubbish ----> it robs or ignores the humanity of a person (whether wife or mistress)

i have a story of my own --- it's not what you think. but i guess i'll leave that for another day.

i do have some questions:

are a native NAIJA? (i dont want to make assumptions just bc you're on this forum.) and, yes, though it shouldnt matter, i think knowing would color the story ----> there are so many elements in there already: age, history, status, time, economics, love, we cant ignore race or racial differences.

but i think that just goes back to me wanting to read it as a story/memoir(?). i'm an aspiring writer so i'm sincere in my encouragement!

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its all wrong/ as ye sow so shall ye reap.

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excuse me?

when i said ''marriage wrecker'' i wasnt referring 2 what papermoon said aba herself i hadnt even seen her post i was replying 2 da topic da was posted in general !!!!!!!!!

my name is Rhodalyn

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wow what goes arround comes arround @papermoon i say if u where not a nairaland member and therefore a friend i would have said something else but on the other hand really brave of you sharing that and whoever posted this topic should have the answere by now i really feel for u ooooooo take heart and well life is full of lessons maybe you should right a book your story will be a very good novel

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FINAL PART,

well, i sat as FAAAR AWAY FROM HIM AS POSSIBLE, and then i CONFESSED, at first he thought i was playing a cruel joke on him, he even went as far as asking if i was suffering from some sort of PRE-WEDDING PERSONALITY DISORDER,

when he saw that i wasnt joking, he literally CRUMBLED BEFORE ME, then came the SHOUTING,TEARS ETC, i couldnt face it, cus he had NEVER RAISED HIS VOICE AT ME, i walked out, and booked the next flight to greece(i just wanted to get away from it all), THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM ALIVE,

HE WAS INTO SKIING BIG TIME, HE TOOK OFF TO SWITZERLAND TO COOL OFF, HAD A HORRIBLE SKIING ACCIDENT, I GOT A PHONECALL, I RUSHED DOWN ON THE NEXT FLIGHT, ALL I SAW WAS TUBES,AND MORE NEEDLES STICKING IN AND OUT OF HIM,

I WAS 2 MONTHS PREGNANT, AND THAT SECOND I CURSED THE DAY I MET MY LOVER,

THREE HOURS AFTER I GOT TO THE HOSPITAL, HE DIED, HE WASNT CONSCIOUS,,BUT STRANGELY HE MOVED HIS HAND WHEN I PUT IT TO MY BELLY, I JUST WANTED HIM TO SAY BYE TO THE BABY,

BEFORE HE WENT SKIING HE HAD TOLD HIS SISTER THAT I WAS THE GIRL HE WAS ALWAYS WAXING LYRICAL ABOUT ETC, SO HIS FAMILY KNEW I WAS THE SHE DEVIL, NOW I WAS CARRYING THE BABY OF THEIR SON,

THEY BLAMED ME FOR EVERYTHING THAT WENT WRONG,

THEY SAID FATE HAD THE GUN AND I PULLED THE TRIGGER AND SET EVERYTHING IN MOTION,

OH WELL, A SUICIDE ATTEMPT LATER, AND 7 MONTHS AFTER,

I GAVE BIRTH TO TWINS, BALTHAZAR AND JARED,

AND WEIRDLY, THEY ARE NEPHEWS TO THE WOMAN WHOSE HOME I BROKE UP, MEANING COUSINS TO MY EX LOVERS KIDS,

MASSIMOS PEOPLE DONT EVEN WANNA KNOW ME, AND ITS BEEN ALMOST 9 YEARS, MY KIDS GO TO ITALY ONCE EVERY YEAR BECAUSE THEY ACCEPT THEM AND LOVE THEM,

I HEARD HIS MUM STILL CALLS ME TRANSLATED FROM ITALIAN "THAT SLIT EYED JEZEBEL",

DO I BLAME HER?

IN SOME TWISTED WORK OF FATE, I DATED HER EX-SON IN LOVER,WHICH MADE HER DAUGHTER PACK UP HER MARRIAGE HAVE A BREAKDOWN,THEN I FELL IN LIVE WITH HER SON,WHO WENT OFF SKIING TO COOL HIS NERVES WHEN HE FOUND OUT WHO I WAS, AND HE HAD AN ACCIDENT AND DIED,

ONE DAY I WILL TELL MY TWINS WHAT HAPPENED, BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS ASK, "MUMMY WHAT HAPPENED TO DADDY" ETC,

AND THERE WILL COME A TIME WHEN TELLING THEM DADDY HAS GONE TO BE AN ANGEL WONT WORK ANYMORE.BECAUSE I KNOW IF I DONT TELL THEM, THERE LOUD MOUTH GRANNY WOULD.

I HOPE SOMEONE LEARNS FROM THIS, AFFAIRS MIGHT LOOK ALL OKAY AND, "AS LONG A SNOBODY WILL GET HURT",

BELIEVE ME PEOPLE, KARMA WILL COME BACK AT SOME POINT AND BITE YOU IN THE Bottom, A 100 TIMES WORSE,

IF NOT NOW AT SOME POINT,

I GOT MY KARMA REAL FAST,

NOW WHEN I SEE MARRIED MEN, I DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT,

IVE PAID ENOUGH FOR MY ACTIONS, AND FUNNY ENUFF I WONDER WAS MASSIMO RIGHT?

HOW COULD I EXPECT TO HAVE LOVE WHEN I DESTROYED KNOWINGLY SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL, ?

TOO BAD HE HAD TO GO FOR THOSE WORDS TO REALLY HIT HOME,

I DONT WALLOW IN SELF PITY, BUT IT HARD TO DEAL WITH ATIMES, BECAUSE I HAVE TO LIVE WITH MY TWINS EVERYDAY, AND I KNOW ATIMES WAT THAT FEELS LIKE,

SO ANYONE THINKING OF IT, MAN, WOMAN, ITS NOT WORTH IT, IT JUST AINT,

I HOPE SOMEONE LEARNS, FROM THIS,

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PART FOUR,

news from the grapevine was that his wife was divorcing him etc, and she did divorce him, i guess it doesnt help that some silly teenager tries to steal your childhood sweetheart, (they had been together since there teens)and she just couldnt comprehend how he could go that far with me,

well, i guess my karma was kinda waiting for me, about 6 months later, i had gotten over it, and just moved on.

during the fashion week in italy, i met this totally gorgeous italian guy called massimo,

massimo and i started dating, and well he told me about his family, etc, about his SISTER WHO WAS IN THERAPY ETC who shared the same LAST name with my ex lover, but i didnt add two and two together, i mean WHAT WERE THE ODDS RIGHT??IT WASNT UNTIL HE SAID something about a divorce that she was going thru that alarm bells RANG RRRAANNG IN MY HEAD,

I PRODDED FURTHER and thats when i realised that MASSIMO AND MY EX LOVER WERE IN LAWS.MASSIMOS SISTER IS THE EX WIFE WHO LEFT HER MARRIAGE BECAUSE OF THE AFFAIR I HAD WITH HER HUSBAND,

lets just say by the time he told me everything it was like listening to someone giving you a bad commentary about your life, he was INSULTING THE OTHER WOMAN, BUT HE DIDNT KNOW I WAS THE ONE, AND HE SAID SOMETHING THAT STUCK IN MY MIND, HE SAID"HOW CAN SHE FIND LOVE TO STAY WHEN SHE DESTROYED SOMETHING SO GOOD?"

I COULDNT TELL HIM, I ALWAYS AVOIDED MEETING THE SISTER(AND BESIDES SHE WAS IN THERAPY MOST TIMES)

I KEPT OFF TELLING HIM/CONFESSING, at this stage we were SOOOO IN LOVE, BUT I HAD THAT AT THE BACK OF MY MIND, AND I HAD CRAPLOADS OF GUILTY CONSCIENCE, his sisters health worried him, and he didnt know he was SLEEPING WITH AND LOVING THE ENEMY,

WELL I FELL PREGNANT SHORTLY AFTER, HE WAS OVERJOYED, THEN WE STARTED TALKING MARRIAGE, because i knew what i had done, i was at a crossroad, BECAUSE INEVITABLY, THE ISSUE OF MEET THE WHOLE FAMILY HAD ARISEN(INCLUDING HIS SISTER), SO I COULDNT ESCAPE IT, I SUGGESTED A SHOTGUN WEDDING,,,YOU KNOW TAKE OFF TO AN ISLAND AND JUST GET MARRIED, SO THAT BY THE TIME WE GET BACK, NO ONE WOULD COME BETWEEN US,

BUT CONSCIENCE IS SUCH A STRONG THING(THATS IF ONE POSSESES IT)

SO ONE DAY, I WAS TWO MONTHS PREGNANT, AFTER GOING THROUGH SOME WEDDING PLANS, I TOLD HIM THAT WE NEED TO TALK,

FINAL PART TO BE CONTINUED,

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AS I WAS SAYING, at this stage it finally dawned on me that this guy was just not meant to be(YES FINALLY MY EYES OPENED CLEARLY), AND PLEASE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING, I KNEW AND I BLINDLY FOLLOWED IT AND ENJOYED IT, BUT LISTEN TO ME PEOPLE IT CAUGHT UP WITH ME IN A BIG BIG WAY,

PART 3

well, i went to him, AND I SAID, LOOK I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE ETC, he cried,begged,etc, AND I TOOK HIM BACK, BUT THIS TIME IT LASTED 5 DAYS, the fifth day afterwards, I GOT THE WORST INSULT, 2 DAYS BEFORE,I QUIT MY JOB(cus id gotten too big for my boots), and i thought well since i might be a little madam soon, i dont need to work?abi?the guy begged me now??it was ALL FILM TRICK,

so i told my lover, i quit my job, HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE, (A VERY BLANK WHAT THE F$*K DID YOU DO THAT FOR?), AND I SAID, WELL SINCE WE'LL BE LIVING TOGETHER SOON, I DONT NEED TO WORK, YOUR WIFE NEVER WORKED, SO WHY SHOULD I??

HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID,

"DONT YOU EVER,EVER COMPARE YOURSELF TO MY WIFE.EVER, YOU ARE TWO DIFFERENT ENDS OF THE POLE, YOU MIGHT BE CLASSY ETC, BUT NO WAY WOULD MY WIFE BE SINGLE AND DATE A MARRIED MAN, EVERYTHING IN MATERIAL TERMS MY WIFE HAS SHE DESERVED BECAUSE SHE HAS STUK BY ME THROUGH IT ALL, " HE DIDNT STOP THERE, HE WENT FURTHER, "AND I HAVE BEEN THINKING, THIS CANT WORK, SO I WILL PAY YOU OFF BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOU ARE ALL ABOUT THE MONEY ,SO YOU CAN HAVE A CHEQUE OR CASH OF (A VERY LARGE SUM) AND PLEASE WALK OUT OF MY LIFE, I HAVE A MARRIAGE TO WORK ON"

YES PEOPLE, MY OWN ILLEGAL PARTNER OF ALMOST TWO YEARS, OFFERED TO PAY ME, LIKE THE CHEAP TART I HAD MADE MYSELF TO BE,

i almost died, i didnt know wether to cry of a broken heart(i mean it was all wrong wasnt it?and there was no love, or was there??)or to cry because i felt insulted, (but didnt i put myself in that position??,

anyway, TAIL BETWEEN LEGS, I WALKED OFF WITH THE TINIEST BIT OF DIGNITY LEFT IN ME, (I HAVE A BIG MOUTH AND CAN INSULT ANYTHING THAT CROSSES ME, BUT THAT DAY I GOT A REALITY CHECK)

it was then i felt just a bit of what he might have felt all the while he rejected her for me,

but my problems hadnt started,

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NOBODY, HAS A GOOD ENOUGH EXCUSE TO DATE A MAN WHO IS ALREADY TAKEN AND SPOKEN FOR.

i will be honest and share my own experience(please dont judge me,just learn)

PART ONE,

11 years ago,i was single,young,around 18.i met this married multi-millionaire in london.he is ITALIAN, we met at a fund raiser,i was working in the fashion industry then. he liked me straight away, he said i reminded him of kimora lee simmons,(that was his chat up line, or part of it)and even though at first i knew he was married and i shouldnt venture near him, i just thought WHAT THE HELL?as long as im not DIRECTLY hurting his wife.and as long as my intention isnt to UNSEAT her no problem.this guy was the type of guy that if the papers got wind of our affair it would spell DISASTER. so began an out of this world affair.AND NO IT WASNT NECESSARILY THE MONEY, I COME FROM A VERY VERY GOOD HOME, (I GUESS I DIDNT TAKE HEED TO MY PARENTS DISCIPLINE ENOUGH)AT THAT AGE MY DAD BOUGHT ME A FLAT IN A NICE PART OF LONDON I HAD A BRAND NEW BMW, AND A SUFFICIENT ALLOWANCE , BUT WHY I FOLLOWED WITH THIS AFFAIR STILL BEATS ME. anyway, i became his THING ON THE SIDE, (let truth be told, to all the girls out there, as long as you date a married man, YOU ARE HIS THING ON THE SIDE,,AND AS LONG AS HE DOESNT LEAVE HIS WIFE, ITS BECAUSE YOU JUST ARENT GOOD ENOUGH, AND NEVER WILL BE).

we went on ALL the trips together, in a year and a half i had visited over SIXTY COUNTRIES.he TRIPLED MY ALLOWANCE.BOUGHT ME ANOTHER CAR.but slowly and surely, feelings started to creep in, ON HIS PART AT FIRST, HE WAS ALWAYS SAYING, IF I LEAVE MY WIFE WOULD YOU MARRY ME?THEN OTHER TIMES.HE WOULD SAY, I CANT LEAVE MY WIFE BECAUSE IF I DO SHE WOULD RUIN ME.

i started getting caught up and believing IT JUST MIGHT HAPPEN, then i started getting feelings for him, when i saw that he wouldnt leave his wife(HOW silly COULD I HAVE BEEN?), THE FIGHTS STARTED, we wouldnt speak for weeks, but some force kept on pulling us back together, AND FOOLISHLY WE THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE "WE WERE MEANT TO BE" THATS WHY WE KEPT ON GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

at this stage his wife had gotten wind of US, lets just say he spent ovver £20,000, BUYING the silence of all the major gossip mags in london(it helps also when he comes from one of the top families in italy).

i will continue this in another post.

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it all depends on the individual.But it is not morally good,so why do it?

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"what goes around ,comes around"

well no one can get away with evil, and anyone can fall into temptation . thats why we pray

"Lead us not into temptation , but deliver us from evil, "

even David a man of God fell into sexual sin but he faced the consequences. if you as a woman cheat always remember that "you are the other woman",. People should not dishonor the marriage be. marriage should have meaning. the Bible says

"keep the marriage bed pure". once people get married, singles everywhere must realize that the woman or man is out of bounds. each person is responsible for their actions especially in this day of AIDS and all that stuff .do not risk few minutes of pleasure for a career, family, guilt ,hell fireetc. The Bible says that an adulterer lacks sense . It would destroy his vital organs. proverbs 7. my 2 cents. if a single woman/man contribute to the destruction of other people's marriages , don't be suprised when urs would be destroyed. if a married man treats women as trash don't be suprised if other men treat your sister/daughter as trash.

"what u do today, would come back to u someday, as you lay your bed is how u would sleep on it, search yourself"

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@VIROZURU, yeah, story of my life

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I'm a nigerian and i pretty know what we like and dislike. But when it comes 2 dating a married man you are automatically known as gbokogboko -husband snatcher-! Or simply a ho.And by the time everyone knows that you are dating lagbaja's husband just know that everyone will not really want u 2 be close to them so you won't end up taking there husband aswell but what nigerian's really think about dating a married man is not very good o.

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What an agenda!!!! but anyways it needs tackiling. This old men are what naijas call ARISTOS abi moparo nii.......

When i was a lil bit younger i used to think it is bad actually i still do depending on some basic reasons.

Do u all know that if a younger boy or a younger girl is bn deprived from some things like partying, going out with friends and some sort, 85% of them end up doing that when they are older that nobody will be able to correct them. Girls that are hidden at home are the ones that does this most if u guys agreeeeee (89% of them) not all though don't get me wrong.

But then these men we are talking about are greedy that's y they end up doing this stuff (going out with younger girls when dey don marry)

Although some men do it as a result of one problem they are having at home or the other u get me. But then it is not good trust me. That is termed "ADULTERY" in the Bible u know.

so men try to keep ur eyes off girls even though they tempt to be tempting u know what i mean. I know it ain't easy when u see a young girl with a nice pant and a very sexy open front side top, but all thesame take ur eyes off. Buy those stuff for ur wife so that she can wear them and u can see whatever u want to see 'cos she's all urs simple!

Thank uuuuuu.

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I think its wrong cos no girl will ever pray dt girls outside shd have her husband as an aristo wen she's married.

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If it is wrong. then dont think of it...if you know it is unthinkable..then you wont do it...dont do it. PERIOD!

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For me, its a no no. That was something I never did,wont advise my youger ones to. But I had friends who did and I didnt see anything wrong in it cos they are muslims. Infact, one of my best friends in school is her husbands second wife. THAT is not wrong cos her religion allows it.

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dating a married man of cruse it's wrong, why will any lady that have class want to date a married man, when they can find some single guy's. the only lady that will date a married man must like to make other woman like her angry or sad. dating a married man is very very very wrong, no lady should do that. the man belong to someone else, so live him along.

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Jummy, I did not say that men generally can't keep their "thing" in their trousers, I only said some men. Don't forget I am also a man.

I agree though, that it is irresponsible on both sides.

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My female friend right infront of her man said she is gona date me and she did it..she is still on with her guy..It really depends on family values which vary greatly from family to family...I would'nt like it though but I still dated her and had my own peice of cake..hehe

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wrong meeen this is so very wrong.. As a guy, I will not do it and I do not know wat I will do if my sistah or daugther is caught doing this ohh..

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Why we are still talking, I want to asure you that it is going on both in the street and school campuses.

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why would any lady want to date an other lady like her husband, that is so wrong.

if some other lady did that to her will she like it. don't do to others what you wouldn't want others to do to you.

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let no one put asunder

some married women curses girls that dates their husband ooo

to date a married man is very wrong

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What God has put together......................................... fill in the gap. i'm sure it's quite self-explanatory and even a fool knows it's wrong. But then again are Nigerians morally upright?

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Hopee my sweetie,

My dear I agreed with uooooo, wht u said is very, very acurate, I pray tht God in heaven we open the eyes of our youths through this nairaland to begin to live aright,

Come to think of it, wht ever a man sold definetly he must surely reap it, it might not be now, but later.

no two ways abt it,

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Do unto others what u want to be done to u...

If u date a married man, someday, .....someother lady will date ur husband!

If u date a married woman, someday.....Someother Man will date ur wife!!

If u cause sorrow to some other family u can't escape sorrow urself....

Better be right with God and Man. If u are not attracted to any single MAN or WOMAN, go look for a DIVORCEE or a WIDOW/ WIDOWER and be happy in ur territory!

After all, all u want is to have a partner to pay u attention abi?

Me.

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lets face facts we all leave in a real world and not fantasy land so

my dears if he gives u a ring[calls]thats money if he pays ur bills {recharge cards,hair,rent,outings,cloths [ashoebes].......}these list will just be endless my darlyns all these involves pay even if it happens to be the minutest ting on earth he does for u,he definately had to move from a point to urs that equally involves some pay u know we cant run away from these fact of life{money is everything and every thing is money}

dont get me wrong is not like there is nothing done outside of money but the fact remains that money is chief when it comes to xpressing urself not only to ur romantically loved one it could be ur family or close frnds

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Infatuation? No my dear. There is nothing like it in that kind of relationship. What exist in that sort of relationship is selfishness, greediness, stupidity of the highest order and the likes.

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its wrong no need justifying it cos u have to put urselve in the womans shoes how will u feel if it is done to u?do u find love in such situations?definitely not, it can only be a big lie [infatuation is the onl ting uu 'll feel]

it eventually break homes and creates enmity that promotes disunity that is seriously bitting deep in our nation

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In my opinion, it is absolutely wrong to date a married man/woman.

I for one, will never ever do it!

I urge you not to!

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It was deliberate. Apologies to Nigerian women, but the reason is that I have noticed that Nigerian women are less likely to justify cheating than the men, but I think they practise it just as often.

Nigeria == Hypocrisy?

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It was deliberate. Apologies to Nigerian women, but the reason is that I have noticed that Nigerian women are less likely to justify cheating than the men, but I think they practise it just as often.

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A Nigerian woman? I could have sworn a Nigerian man has to be present and consenting for this wrong-doing to take place. Na wah o, you guys just like dissing on women. And one important fact is that the guy is the married one. While the lady's actions are by no means excusable, the guy ought to serve 'double punishment'.

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That is because we are an immoral society. We have no qualms with doing something one night, then waking up the following morning to declare that it is 'wrong'.

A white man will say "it is ok to do it in some circumstances", and then do it.

A Nigerian woman will say "it is very wrong to do such a thing!!!", then do it!

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We all know that is wrong , but I asure that it is happening every where in our society till today.

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I still remain: keep your Thomases and Pinkys to yourself.

If you dey find money, go and stand on the road. Do it once and get out. But dating a married man and (indirectly or what the hell directly) breaking up a marriage is very wrong.

Please let's be cool and do things the right way. Theres no excuse for that. It's inexcusable.

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I hope you had not heard them talk about the 'sugar daddy' of a thing?

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I agree, only I would say it's irresponsible on the part of the both the male and the female.

I also think that men aren't given enough credit for their ability to keep their "thing" in their trousers.  As far as I know, they were born with a functioning brain (the one in their heads) too, just like women were.  So I think reference to the fact that it's so "difficult" to control your urges is just ridiculous and really is just an excuse for bad behaviour.

I wholeheartedly agree with your final point: it's all about having self respect and knowing that you deserve the best for yourself and that would be someone who can devote all of themself to you.

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