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How Does Does A Woman Cope With Being The Man Financially?

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 11 months and I love him very much.

We're planning to get married shortly but I have my huge doubt. My doubt is money related. I'm tired of being the 'MAN' financially. When we just met, I believed his job search was going to be for just a while being that I felt he had prospects. But up till now, he's not come up with anything.

As if that's not enough, he's from a close to poor family, his siblings call me to ask for one thing or the other, his mother visits me and narrates stories of how broken hearted she is because her son (who's the first child) cannot support her or his siblings financially, how she's scared he'll never make money. 

Now, this guy also ask me for things (I'm trying to avoid the word 'demand' here). It's either he needs a new shirt, a new trousers, money for T.fare to come and see me, money to buy one book or the other and other things. He can't afford to call me; I always have to do the calling.

Sometimes, I'm so frustrated because I feel I'm paying him for dating him. I know I love him and I think he does too but I'm sometimes scared that he loves me for my job and because I can give now and again. My job is not so so over paying, I get 170k home monthly as my net pay but I can't really get things for myself because I have to save for a house for 'us' money to invest in business for him, money to sponsor our wedding and too many other things. I just feel weighed down.

Another thing is that aside the love, I'm not really young any longer. I'm 31, going on 32 and he's 32, which means I seriously need to get married.

He has tried his hands on one business or another (all financed by me) but they've all flopped.

The bad thing is that this is really getting to me, even though I love him a lot and would really love to marry him, I keep thinking, how long would I have to remain the bread winner, how long will he be without a job or means of income, when he finally starts making money, will he remember it's his responsibility to take care of me and not the other way round. Sometimes too i have this little fear that I'm not married to him, what if anything happens and we break up? I would be the grand looser.

I'm totally faithful to him, I'm pretty and we don't sleep together. (We've never had sex) as we agreed this should be kept until we get married, but people, I really get scared sometimes that I might be walking into a terrible situation. People, please advice, should I hold on for a while longer and see if he can have some means of income before I go ahead with this, should I break up with him totally and start another relationship now or should I go ahead and marry him and continue to foot his bills while I pray and work with him to get on his feet financially?  

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23 answers

[flash=200,200]how mean of you mr. lola. now you no longer remember all she did till she got tired.

trying to show off your new position just to prove what?

why not take her call if only for the past goodness, isnt that how most of u guys are anyway?

if the guy hits it big today, i wonder if he will still remember how she was there for him even for a short time.

I did not jilt her like you said. I was not taking money from her because my parents were not poor, God knows I love her and I stll do but I just can't stand the betrayal or forget how she walked off. She said it was a mistake to have dated me in the first place. can you take that? I want someone that can stay no matter what I am passing through. She is just not the one and I am not in a hurry to get anyone yet . For the record, no one is trying to show off here. I might have made my mistake before but not anymore. Thanks for your objectivity. I am not mean!

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i think you should think twice before going ahead with the marriage . I was in the same situation a while back and he was always asking me for money for one project or the other. He also liked the best things of life and it got to a point i would make sure each time i visited him i had only N500 in my wallet because he would look through my purse and take all the money i had.

i am 32 years old but trust me i packed my load and ran. i think some men get that way especially when they are dating a woman who is over 30 as they automatically assume she is desperate .I would suggest you pray seriously about it because trust me if you go ahead with the marriage and you are always under financial pressure from your husband and his family the love will fly out of the window and resentment will set in

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at GEW

Seconded!

What happens if things didnot change? 

Again, you are 31 almost 32, he is 32, the possibility of him running after younger girls is there, unless he is too disciplined.  Most men of 32 years prefer younger women of say 28, (especially my igbo brothers, yorubas dont care about age, but if u both are igbo think about this age stuff - abeg nobody shd attack me ooo)

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@ chaircover

exactly why i said he should consider her more objectively, please don't take it that i'm gross with you

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@ poster

@kunbee

@hauwa

@chaircover

You can't eat your cake and have it, yeah it is true that the girl was with Mr lola for a long time, but at a point she made up her mind to leave, why? not because lola was abusing her, not because lola was cheating on her, not because lola was not serious about her but because it was becoming impossible for lola to get a sustainance.

Now tell me, what happens if further down the line God forbids lola looses his job, precedence shows that she will take a stroll again after careful consideration.

Its unfortunate but she failed the test.

And i think that is the problem with the poster, if she had a better option now, she most likely will leave her "lover" but because there is no better alternative she is struggling because she knows that there is a likelyhood of her man experiencing lola's fortune.

My take is, if you decide to leave a man or woman for any reason, then stick to it and don't start running back when tides change becaus that just shows how materialistic and covetous you are.

@lola

I hope you consider your relationship with the lady with a lot more objectivity rather than a nursed vendata

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@whitelexi,

tanx bro, u sure understand that one is not a failure unless he see's himself as 1.

if he is making an effort, then try to be supportive than bringing his bussiness here for NL to decide.

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If you continue footing his bill, he will never get so desperate to find a means for himself okay. So as not to be a grand looser as your instincts has told you, be careful how you spend. Your life is more important, plan your life and find better things to invest your money in.

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how mean of you mr. lola. now you no longer remember all she did till she got tired.

trying to show off your new position just to prove what?

why not take her call if only for the past goodness, isnt that how most of u guys are anyway?

if the guy hits it big today, i wonder if he will still remember how she was there for him even for a short time.

your good encouragement indeed!

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I feel for your guy and he really must be going through some though time as a man. I had a similar experience not too long. After my NYSC wahala, I had to stay at home while my babe got a job wihk Oceanic bank after we both finished our national servise. Initialy it was fine by me until things began to disintegrate. I became sort of a burden to her. I was taking money from her because my parents had jusr enough to fend for me at least for the time being and I sincerely love her. And just like yours, our relationship wasn't sexual because I often fling girls after sleeping with them. So I wantd to kep her for the Dday. Sad at it was, she stopped seeing me, taking my call and finally called one evening that she was moving on with her life because she felt she made a wrong choice when she sad yes to my proposal. Of course I was heart broken for a few weeks but then, just when she left, two weeks later, I had the first call from the six apptitude tests I taken. It was ETB that called first, then GTB, then PHB, the skye bank, then first bank, and then MOBIL did the blow. I was dazed! I kept it from her and she never border to call. I would call but she would not take my calls and when she does, she would say, yes how may I help you? painful and sad though but I had changed and life was better than when she was there. Then one saturday, I called as usual and surprisinly she said I just want to hear your voive and I said thanks . Usual pleasantries ensued like how is life and all that . Then I told her what God has done and she went numb and dropped the line. Since then my angel has been calling, calling ,calling but trust me, hard as it is, God has been helping me to ignore her calls.

Dear, I will advise you think twice before you quit. his story may be different from mine, but you don't leave people you love when they are in needs. It will be a betrayer of love for you to walk off except there is a prophet telling you the guy cannot make it in life. Pray with him and seek God deligently before you walk off. You may be in the right place or otherwise, how do you know, only God can tell you that. Life in the past six months for me, could not have been better. God can do much more for your love. Best wishes.

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sincerely the best advice was offered by yimiton,its a world of ifs,you work out today and he makes the next minute,it will be all regrets.my advice is if he is educated and intilligent,i bet you most definitely he is going to make it,most times taking the easy way out aren't the best way to solve problems.its your call,this is only an advice.

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@ Poster,

This post is sort or worrysome because you seem to be really into this guy yet, you're struggling with reality. This is the moment of truth, either you take on this guy and get prepared to have it very very rough financially until he can stand on his own, or you take that painful walk now and settle for someone else. Meanwhile, have it on your mind that since you say this guy is intelligent, he could get rich anytime and all the time you've waited for him and the monies you've spent on him just end up being a big waste. On the other hand, if you wait for him and even go ahead to marry him, what is the probability that he'll be able to make any money soon and take care of you. It may be a long long wait or a wait that may never come to an end.

It's your call girl, take it or leave it.

One last word of advice, if you know you'll marry him anyways, go ahead and marry him now. Marraige, I hear brings blessings.

All the best.

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You guys need to have a heart to heart, let him know that for the relationship to work things have got to change; starting with questions like

1) What really are your plans?

2) even if he cant get a job, what skills has he got?

3) if God forbid you lose your job today, how does he intend to fend for the family

4) He needs to get his family off your back for a start, he not you should be catering for the needs of his family afterall you're not even married yet.

5) All these excuse of joblessness dont wash, he needs to stand up and be a real man.

I for one believe if you truly love someone, that love would overcome all adversities, but then love is not often enough to sustain a relationship

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Thanks all for such intelligent and well thought out replies especially to: ezinne1212, Pittbaby and LIMUEL. LIMUEL thanks but you got it all wrong, the love hasn't gone cold in any way and that's why I needed people devoid of emotions to help me sort this through. I love him and what I feel for him is definitely not pity. If it were, I sure wouldn't have found it difficult to move on.

The pain here is that this guy is really intellectually sound as well as knows how to carry himself well, but I don't understand why he's not just been able to secure a job for himself or make some money that will at least take care of him. Again, he seems to be loosing his confidence everyday as the day goes by. I love him and try to encourage him because I've got confidence in him but really, I don't want to be saddled into a life of poverty or near poverty not because I havn't done my bit but because I have to carry the responsibilities of a man and his family. It's scary.

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I really like this part.

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You're looking for a crystal ball, you won't get one. I suggest you pray about it and seek divine guidance. You could break up with him and he hits gold and you end up looking like a loser. On the other hand you could stay with him and things continue to slide down hill with no change. Life is about taking chances, making decisions, making mistakes and dealing with regrets. What you should ask yourself is if the person you are with is a good human being! you're letting sentiment cloud your decision. You're a woman and you have ideals as a woman. All that man is doing is leeching of you. No real 'man' would be comfortable to sit back and be collecting money from a woman with the excuse of not finding a job. Even guys get bitter when ladies demand such from them, so at the end of the day it all boils down to what you can handle. At 32 and still nothing, even after attempts to help? Lady please, maybe you two are not meant to be together and you are trying your hand at controlling fate, stop!!! and let nature take its course.

Communication time!!!! Explain to him about your frustration and how you need time out to figure out if you can cope, a human being whose truly appreciative of what you've done for him will understand that it's not easy and give you some space albeit with reluctance at losing the one he 'loves'. On the other hand, If he gets nasty, then he's afraid of losing his meal ticket and don't be decieved otherwise. You mentioned you are turning 32, to me all that means is that now, more than ever, you shouldn't be afraid to take that chance to be happy, please take it and clear your mind.

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First I will like to say , please stop feeling like you need to be desperately married at 31 . take this thot and put it aside and it will help you to have clarity in your situation. As much as  Naija people like to feel like a woman is not a woman if she is not married by 30 , but this same naija pips will not live with you in you misery of marital life and will ridicule you if it ends in divorce

Do some soul searching , this guy is no longer a young buck , even if he can not secure good employment he should at least be able to feed and cloth himself and earn enough to get money for recharge card and transportation. If you were saying that he does not have a car or you have to pay rent cos his job does not meet up thats a different story.

Like someone else said he is nearly 40 and a fool at forty is a fool for life

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It is very glaring that the love has gone cold and you are just struggling with your emotions.

It may be hurting but i know you want to move on

At 31 you should not be battling with sensitive issues of this nature

Move on and liberate yourself

He will be fine

Wishing u the best of luck

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All this women/girls taking care of their boy friend and crying I blame it on 9ja economy from personal experience which I will not narrate here 9ja men are the most hard working guys I have ever seen and known.

@poster follow your heart if you find peace doing it go on if not leave him instint never lie Good luck

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Just do this. You said u have financed some business and he failed. if he cant secure a job, why is he flopping in biz too?

l was in this kind of situation about 8 years ago, l had to breakup after 6years when l could no longer find peace! lnstead of getting exciting about our getting married, l was afraid of uncertaintity. Mine didnt see anything wrong in collecting money from me. He even had the gut to tell me one day TO BEAR MY CROSS (hahaha the crossing of taking care him)

Baby follow ur mind, if you have inner peace go ahead, but if not, move on. The bible says when he gives a gift He doesnot add sorrow. lf this gift is making u sorrowful, its not worth it, it could be PITY.

Alternatively, you said u want to finance another business for him, do it first and see him perform and atleast stand to fend for himself before u go ahead!

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Think about this for a minute: What will he do if you stop giving him any money ? both to him and his family ? Will he still claim to love you ?

Let him fend for himself,

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AM GONNA START BY SAYING THIS IS THE SAME SITUATION THE GUYS FACE WHEN THEY HAVE A GIRL DAT makes ALL THIS DEMANDS ARE ARE SUPPOSED TO MEET THEM.

that said, i dont see failure in any individual, but rather check out if he has made a choice to fail.

aside the fact that luck has not smiled on him, is he naturally lazy?

am not asking you to tie urself into a situation that is choking, but dont u think right now he needs more of ur understanding and love.

wud u feel gr8 if he left u cos he percieves u as a financial burden.

sometimes we should realise that these material things we lookup to are not the things that hold a r/s.

maybe ur destiny says u have to struggle with him to be a better person, maybe not, i dont know,

but 1 thing i know is that whatever situation one finds himself now, is a temporal phase that wud pass away.

but only if the person involved makes an effort to change his circumstance.

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I'm kinda bothered on what to write, because i don't want to make the guy feel bad if you leave him because of his inability to meet up.

You may break up today and he gets the best job around tommorrow. How will you feel

It may not be his fault since it is God that blesses a man, however i really want you to consider for how many years you can remain in this condition when you get married. After marriage, you will only find out that your financial commitment to your relationship tripples and if nothing comes from your partner, i tell you, you will feel crushed.

I know age is not on your side, but things could be bad and you will wish you were never married.

Before making a decision close your eyes on all the physical things and focus on God, ask Him to lead you, my sister He will.

I wish you the best.

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