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I Am An Intelligent Woman, Why Am I Addicted To Unavailable Men?

My two lovers have logged off the internet. One is a married man, he wanted to go and have sex with his wife. The other one is engaged to be married in a few months. He was mad at me cos i made reference to his fiancee that he didn't like. I am left to my bed and computer.

This is the story of my life. In the past couple of years I seem to have become addicted to painful relationships that leave me empty. I always had good self esteem. I never gave married men a second thought. But I am now caught in a web which instead of taking a bold stand against, I have allowed myself to continue to wallow in. How did I get here? The particulars of my case are not necessary. I just want to detox because I've had enough. I have slept with the married man and I want to stop. The engaged guy seems to be chasing me but he has made it clear to me that he absolutely adores his fiancee and that's what I questioned that left him livid and walked out on me online. I need to break free from this. Anybody who can talk some sense to me please help me here. I'm usually a very confident woman but my self confidence is gradually disappearing. I am no longer focussed on my work like before, i am doubting my faith and even questioning God. Everything I believed and stood for is becoming blurred. I have taken out time to get reinvigorated even in my faith, but I find myself falling back into the same pattern with these two men. I am just fed up.

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33 answers

Change ur ways of life,live ur life decently for them to respect u for who u are. Forget ur past and face ur present then support it with prayer. God will bring ur own husband.

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"Intelligence - an umbrella term used to describe a property of the mind that encompasses many related abilities, such as the capacities to reason, to plan, to solve problems, to think abstractly, to comprehend ideas"- Wikipedia.

No offence, but based on the definition above, and the title/ content of ur post, u CANNOT be that intelligent!

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i feel ur Well is sweet and that's what is driving those men crazy. better look for personalty cover up so that they will not taste it again

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IN MY OPINION, I've seen a lot of intelligent men and women who have relationship problems like this.

I'm beginning to think that this is one of the downsides of intelligence and introversion.

I'll advice demistress to take heart for she is not the ONLY one in this situation.

I think she needs to go out more, talk more with people, seek avenues like this to  express herself, DO MORE AND MORE OF WHAT SHE'S GOOD AT TO REGAIN SELF ESTEEM.

Self esteem is extremely important in relationships. When people meet u the first time time, the first thing they try to gauge is ur self esteem. That will determine hw they'll relate wit u. It is the most precious commodity anybody can have.

SHE NEEDS TO GUARD IT JEALOUSLY.

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Re: I Am An Intelligent Woman, Why Am I Addicted To Unavailable Men?

[color=#990000][b]Obviously not intellegent enough to avoid a heartbreaking situation when its staring you in the face, What a contradiction!!!![/[/b]color]

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Yeah, intelligence that produces nada. Naija is full a' those. Intelligent fools. Thats why things dont happen in this country. Would you say u are intelligent now? What's worse, when well meaning, nice dudes approach you "IFs" you turn them down to take the direct path to pain.

Anyway, i really hope you have learnt O. Really! Cuz ppl never learn. Heal quick and get back on the road.

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Waoh, I didn't think this topic will generate this much heat. I've taken all the bashings and the encouragement. Thank u top up, u'v really encouraged me. Thank you seeker, for the way you analysed the matter so comprehensively and for taking the time to do so. I have been in the position of the original woman, so it amazes me that having experienced that sort of hurt in the past, i can stoop low to administer same to another woman. Thank you FL Gators, you've taken it personal to some extent but it's all good because you've given a clearer perspective on some issues.

I just want to let you guys know, I'm a real person, this is really happening, it's not another made up story on NL. I'm regular NLer but can't use my real name cos i'm too ashamed of myself.

I have taken the first steps and broken off the relationships. Obviously, there were serious insecurities issues which i'm now addressing. I'm also undergoing counsel from experienced people. More so, also from you guys on NL. Having taken the right steps, I feel so free.

Thank you all so much.

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Yes me too. I've got to catch some sleep now. We'll pick it up from where we left off tomorrow

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If you were able to do these things in the first place, I don't think you had a strong relationship with God.

Aside from that, stay strong it's not over.

You've learnt from your lesson, but will the lesson stick. I think you need to definitely go cold turkey on this issue as it's very much obvious to you that it's not something you should be doing. In a way I'm proud of you because you came to this conclusion by yourself.

I've heard something like this before, it sounds like an insecurity issue. Women who date men who are supposed to be unavailable supposedly get a thrill from feeling like they've attained something that seems unattainable. They feel extra special that the man is willing to leave or ignore his 'chosen' one for them.

What they don't realise is that often, they are in the same position as the 'chosen' woman, who isn't sneaking around but is the girlfriend/wife. Sometimes they are in a worse position because the guy usually returns to the wife or girlfriend leaving the other woman alone feeling dejected.

Sometimes it has nothing to do with insecurity, sometimes they have lack of faith in the fidelity of men, and so they don't mind if they are the other woman, at least that way there are no surprises or secrets, they'd hate to be in the position of the wife, who is unknowing of what's going on with her husband/ boyfriend.

Just keep being strong, you've already taken the necessary first steps, if you keep going down that path, you'll reach your destination.

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I'm not being in support of such attitudes but what we're talking here is being adults and making choices that we feel is right for us. We often don't make the right choices, we try to turn some around in the middle to suit an end point we had earlier anticipated which of course didn't seem to be coming up when the whole plans started off. We're digressing from the thread here but oh well it's a forum. When we make choices, sometimes, when it comes to matters of the heart we don't seem to know what is proper at some point most especially when we're straying in the wrong direction and doing what everyone speaks out against. It is not proper to cheat in a relationship or marriage but I still maintain that whatever choice the cheating party makes, it's still a choice --- right or wrong. People can start to criticize and even if she's going to look back and make amends, she's already and for once made that choice, a regret later will transform that former "choice" into a "mistake". Now back to the thread, she's addicted to unavailable men, if I was one of those men would I simply let go of my real woman and stick to her? I don't think so, , , , , , not because of any other reason but because it lies within my conscience not to do it, if I on the other hand consider her request, it's my choice and she can't be blamed. The problem we have women blaming other women for taking their guys when their guys were the one who made the final choice. When he sleeps with her, is he under a spell, a charm or any kind of mojo? No! It sweetens him when he does and his woman keeps whining that another woman's taken over his man. When she calls him and he's at the other woman's, who hangs up the phone? Who doesn't answer the phone? Who puts up all the lies to his woman? Him. Who made those choices? Him. Did she put those words, actions and lies in him? No! He chose to do it. I'm making you understand it's the man's choice not the woman's.

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RIGHT.

What I wanted to let you understand with my scenes is that it would have been more proper if she left the marriage before starting her fling.

Ok, plz make me understand what I do not understand about this issue.

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Now you're taking this real personal. How and why do you think I'm making up excuses for her? Where in my previous posts did I support what she did? We're talking about her addiction here not the other women in the picture. This wasn't a generalized subject, yes, there are other women in the picture but I do believe if a guy is snatched for his woman by another woman, then either the girl's game is not tight or the man was never really in love with his supposed woman. There's nothing like snatch. If I'm dating someone else, it's my choice to let or not let anyone ruin my relationship --- it comes down to whether you want to do it or not. Where were the men looking when they were dating? Weren't they talking or having sex? What were they thinking? I'm not advocating for her but since you've brought the other women into the picture, well, I have to put it to you this --- she's not at fault if she eventually were able to snatch any one of these men, it is the men who are. Don't bring personal sentiments into this. These guys aren't spoon-fed that is why they knew they had to leave her when they hahve had what they wanted, if they had chosen to do otherwise, it'd have been their fault and not hers. Do you get it now?

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I personally despise these kinda women. When single men are about and looking, na settled men with family dem go snatch. Ruin a happy home and cause seperation.

Infact, you don't understand. This is not about her, what has she got to lose. Why don't both of you think about the other women in the picture.

When will she realize it? "Still" is not good enough, she needs to do more than look, she needs to start thinking

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Demistress,

You are attracted to what you are; thus, you are just as emotionally unavailable as the men you are attracted to. Like you said "I seem to have become addicted to painful relationships that leave me empty", Your emptiness is emotional unavailability. You are not ready to love until this void is filled by you. Moreover, it cannot be filled through relationships with other men (available or not). Look in the mirror, look deep within, find the source of your emptiness and slowly work your way into understanding and loving who you are as an individual and as a woman. Take sometime to yourself, DO NOT CONTACT any of the unavailable men that you have been dealing with (they'll probably try to contact you more regularly than usual because you are unavailable, but be strong and resist the urge to respond--the key is to STOP/AVOID SEEKING VALIDATION THROUGH THESE MEN---they have NOTHING to offer you, but CRUMBS of their LOVE/ LUST).Remember my dear, if you have a bad relationship with yourself, you'll have bad relationships with others. Good luck.

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How intelligent are you?

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@davidylan, when i say i question my faith and all, i question myself for what I am doing knowing what i have stood for all these years. I know what I am doing is wrong and I am already taking steps to be on track again. God is not at fault here. I am human and fallible and I know his grace is available but I don't want to take that grace for granted.

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As usual . . . everyone can just walk up and "question" God anyhow . . . thank God for grace.

Questioning God about what? Did he force you to go sleep with a married man? What faith are you "doubting"? You dont seem to have one. I'm not surprised though, we now live in an era where sin and "faith" have become compatible. Oh how our churches have become the denizen of the confused.

Lets even assume both men are single . . . you're them cheating emotionally and physically but somehow its all God's fault?

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i want to thank u all 4 responding. putting this post out here has given me clarity and has given me the resolve to retrace my steps. I'm not someone who has ever had self esteem issues, in fact my friends used to say i have an overdose of it. But the past two years have been difficult because of a traumatic breakup i experienced and when i saw my ex recently it sent me on a downward spiral. I'm happy about the response from the guys in particular. I have a couple of people i am talking to now who are giving me encouragement.

They are not online relationships. They are people I know and see but because of the nature of work and travel, we tend to communicate on line when we are apart.  I have already initiated the the break up process cos in reality, i have so much to lose.

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@demistress

If you are really fed up, why don't you tell your men you need a break. And try not to make any contact with them for at least a month and see how you can see yourself then. Wish you the best.

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poster u need to retrace your step back to God by confessing your sins to God and asking him to help you, cos you can not overcome this temptation alone.

the fact remains that we humans do things that we definately know are wrong but the power of the flesh sometimes overcome our moral senses, that is why we need God's to help us subdue and overcome the power of the flesh.

poster i hope this help you in retracing your steps back to God cos if you depend on your ability you might not be able to stop what you are doing to your self.

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if you were really intelligent, you would fall in love with the right guys.

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i think you should try as much as possible to ignore those guys by any means , haha its sounds mad people you no cant go too far with you, try to go out and miss up with new peps there are a lot of singles nd responsible guy out there looking for 1

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Hello demistress.

I if need someone that will love you more and more i'm the one

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Hi my sister, I share your burden. Can you contact me online through this  address: dotunakinlabi@yahoo.com let's talk.

thanks.

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How old are you? Why have you decided to turn yourself to a lavatory for this men who you have mentioned have comitted partners? Are this the kind of men you meet or this has been the outcome of clear cut choices you have made? I really don't understand the issues here.

I also have a problem with people who bring in God in self inflicted problems. You need to redefine your life and what you want to stand for.I still think we are a sum total of the choices we have made in life. I am still at a loss at how we can possibly help you out here.

If you have lost self confidence,doubted your faith,please don't question God over this matter.

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well first you have to tell us a little more about how it got that way.

if you knew well in advance that these guys were unavailable and still continue to pursue or get to know them then the problem is entirely yours and you have to sit down and accept that no matter how good a man is, if he is taken, there is absolutely nothing you can do that will change that. sleeping with a man thinking that he will leave his wife/spouse for you is completely the wrong approach. he doesnt have a relationship with you, he only shags you once in a while so how could you ever think that you are as good as his wife? do you think that sex is the only thing that keeps them together? no matter how good your sex is, it will never be a reason to leave his wife.

also maybe if you ever put yourself in the other womans shoe then you wouldnt dare to do what you did.

if you didnt know that these guys were taken and was tricked into believing it then you should have first stopped the phoney relationship the day you discovered it and moved on with your life. there is no level of "i was so in love" to stay in such relationship because, although you think they might leave their spouse/fiance for you some day, then rarely do. you have to understand fully what you are in these relationships. you are a side toto, someone to run to to get some cheap thrill and someone that is there for sexual gratification and nothing else. you are like a plague, you will rarely be seen together in public and as much as i hate to say it, sometimes they dont even like you (only the sex is enjoyable).

ask yourself this question, what is it about you that attracts unavailable men but keeps the good ones away? if you were truly a "keeper" (men would know what i am talking about) then you would be in your own relationship right now, worrying about the right thing instead of this.

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No disrespect meant, get a vacation , travel out ,mingle wit people. Dere are many places 2 meet new friends 4get d past and face d present,4get d internet,hav more faith in God ,and try nt 2 lose ur JOB.

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@ OP

u r on d ryt track, at least by recognizing u aint turning out 2b who u desire. a prob known is 1/2-solved so they say. herez ma take

1. u gotta define who u r n wat u stand for w/o wch abuse n misuse is inevitable o

2. wareva led u in2 d present situ u find ursef must b tackled. just face it head-on. ansa d 'y'? is it revenge of betrayal? u lettin off past hurt? or u think no single guy gud enof 4u, none of dem has got wat ds marryd men av? age issues? messd up in tym past (u nt d 1st)? wat r u running away frm? quit chasing d shadows, face ur ghosts n deal wt dem. u dnt surrender leadership 2 circumstances around u. ur lyf is stil urs n u can stil com ryt bcoming d@ Amazon uve alwyz wantd 2b!

3. u gt d will power 2 change, fyn. u may nid 2 get ursef som1 to whom u hold ursef accountable. d jny to recovery n re-dscovery aint easy bt itz possible, n u'll nid a hand to hold u wen u wanna falter. u'll b true to ursef n be open 2ds person. dscuss ur fears, frailities n ur strengths. report ursef 2ds person until such a tym u knw things r ok. rmbr dat song 'Lean On Me'?

4. n wen d faltering tots come rushing, wareva uve gt from #1 above say it loud, i mean loud not whispering o, LOUD wt all firmness. tel ursef who u r n wia u headin for!

go succeed!

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@ Poster, you're already on the right track, so just have faith and persevere. I guess you have to ask yourself what you're afraid of? once you answer that question you'll also answer why you stick to men who are simply using you. I believe you need to know and believe that you have something to offer, and please learn to love yourself more. No one can abuse you more than you can abuse yourself.

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Another puzzle on NL!

How can you possibly be entangled with two men who definitely have their women? How are you proposing to make them yours even when they have demonstrated to you they can't leave their women for you? You said you are an intelligent woman in your topic, but how intelligent has this situation projected you? I'd say it didn't. Why can't you just walk away from them and have another man who's probably single and take it slow with him? You said you have good self esteem but I don't see any oozing from you -- if not, are you insinuating that you can't find someone else better than these men who have been taken?

You need to get out a little bit more and experience a human to human relationship because it seems the online dating scene is not panning out to be better for you. When you do meet a single man you like try not to be too desperate. Take it easy on yourself and there's nothing absolutely wrong with you. The problem you have is testing new waters and that's exactly what you're to do to get out of this mess because the relationships you have with these two men is militating against your pride as well as your self esteem

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My heart goes out to you.

Life needs balance. I don't know what your current circumstances are, but its clear that that something is forcing you out of synch with your inner self. Why do you use the Internet so much? What about friends and family?

I hope you don't mind, but do you have brothers and whats your relationship with your dad like?

You should really go out a bit more and form human to human relationships.

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Well if your attracted to unavailble me add me to the list am available now for a short time only

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