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Is 4 Years Too Long For Courtship?

How long does everyone think it appropriate for courtship?

What are the advantages and this-advantages of long term courtship.

Educate someone today. Peace out.

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opokonwa i really do not like the sound of that word

its sound like an Arab thing or old British.

i do not understand why the young people bring up things of old

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i thimk it depends on d persons involved and the strenght of the relationship. i mean i have been dating this guy for like 8years and we still feel thesame way about each other .although we 've had our fights. just comes with the relationship

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@Bestglo. I sincerely agree with you. It all depends on the understanding of the two parties!!!

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4 years cannot be said to be too long depending on the circumstances.

Courtship means BOTH PARTIES HAVE AGREED TO MARRY, so in that case, u may not always control how long it'll take, in as much as u might want the wedding to be the next day.

I've seen situations where couples agreed to marry but their parents stand in the way, either because of tribal sentiments or societal status. In that case, u have no control. Finances is another monster that's making some guys to hold out much longer.

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original post @justbazik

How long does everyone think it appropriate for courtship?

What are the advantages and this-advantages of long term courtship.

Educate someone today. Peace out.

Most posts here are making the assumption that dating and Courtship are one and the same. let me start by clarifying the differences.

DATING: You're still going out as friends, sizing up and getting to know each other better.

COURTSHIP: You have finally made up your mind, and verbally agreed to marry.

My advice is if a guy dates you for up to 2 years and doesn't propose, ask him his plans if u think you can live with him in marriage, if he doesn't say anything reasonable, cut off and save yourself from impending doom. 2 years(especially if u see up to 2times a wk.) is enough to know if somebody is compatible with you.

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what of if this people are still like 18,19,20 and they truly love themselves and they start there relationship would anyone tell mi that they should get married because 4yrs in courtship is not good,won't they finish there school and have somethings a family should have before gettin married.pls that kind of topic should be based on age and category of people is it graguate and working or schooling still been carter for.

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Whao, a whole lot has been said on this issue, mine will rather be another angle to the topic.

1. Courtship is not same as dating, the former is for mature adults with marriage in view withing the shortest possible time, while latter is for those whose mind are not made up yet.

2. There's no set time frame for courtship.

3. After six months in a relationship/courtship, you should be able to deduce if there's a future in it or not.

4. Plans do change, so do people. So even when theres a clear cut arrangement toward marriage, unforseen circumstances could come shatter your plans, hence theres should always be a plan B or C in case of contigencies.

5. Marriage should be a life time investments, so look very well before you jump into it, if u hastily jump in, u might hastily jump out too.

6. Court for at least a year before marriage.

7. Court for no more than two years except theres a geninue reason for it[the reason must be good enough]

Having courted for 4 yrs? dats too long in my opinion, except thats the period you have gotten to know each other all in all. No church in nigeria will allow that, hence its too long.

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4 years is too long ho ha!.

Anyman that'll wait for 4 years before taking his woman to Church or the courts is not serious.

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WHETHER a marriage will be happy or not is often determined during the first few years. In 1979, 52,000 couples in the United States were divorced before completing their first year of marriage. And in each of the next several years of marriage, a much greater number of couples got divorced.

How is it possible for two people to contemplate building a lifelong relationship and then, in just a few months or in two or three years, determine that their marriage is a failure?

“Most marriage failures are courtship failures,” explains Paul H. Landis, a respected researcher on family life. “This point cannot too often be repeated.” In lands where individuals customarily choose their marriage mates, courtship is the period of time wherein a couple get to know each other better with the possibility of marriage in view. Why is this period so critical?

A Time for Examination

A happy marriage requires painstaking effort. After counseling many unhappily married couples, author Nancy Van Pelt, in her book The Compleat Courtship, asked: “Why do so many marriages fail? There are many reasons, but the main reason is a lack of preparation. . . . I feel anger because of their ignorance regarding the complexity of the task.”

Courtship gives a couple the opportunity to make such an examination or investigation. When utilized properly, courtship not only can help a couple determine whether they are really suited for each other but can also prime them for the challenges of married life.

C[b]ourtship is a time for a person to search his own heart, to sort out just what his important emotional needs are. [/b]When Steve began to court Barbara, she began to reflect on her background and concluded: “I would need a man that would be very patient with me.” She added: “Steve was so patient, putting up with so many things I did to him, and he was very considerate. He always listened to me regardless of what I said. Because of this, my interest in him kept increasing and deepening.”

Because each satisfied the other’s emotional needs, their courtship led to a happy marriage.

So during courtship, ask yourself: What kind of person am I? What are my important emotional needs? Also, what are the personality strengths and weaknesses of me and my partner?

For instance, one young man said of his girlfriend: “She has a certain stability that I need. I’m restless and flighty. I feel that she has a steadying, calming influence.”

A landmark study of a thousand engaged couples, many of whom were questioned further after several years of marriage, found that the fulfillment of such emotional needs “appears to be of primary importance in today’s marriage.” (Courtship, Engagement and Marriage, by Burgess, Wallin, and Shultz)

While love is important, having similar goals and the ability to satisfy each other’s emotional needs are essential for a lasting relationship.

So a successful courtship should be long enough for a couple to get well acquainted. The really important concern is not always how many months or years the courtship takes but what is accomplished during the period.

A successful courtship yields many pleasant memories and lays a good foundation for a happy marriage

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GOD? in 2 months relationship?ABEG!!! What do u know about the person withing 2 months? u con put God there, they don't go together abeg!!!!

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WOW!!!! Did someone say 6 month? how can u date someone for 6 month and then decide to marry, some ppl still dey date for 2 yrs sef dem no know anything about eachother

I guess I'm d only one with a different opinion, 4yrs is not long AT ALL!!!!! Those that get married after 6 months of dating, most of them end up with problems, you get married then u start seeing the side of ur partner that u don't see b4, it's like dat 'spirit' just changed d whole thing, u will start noticing something irritating about ur partner

abeg 4 yrs is not long o, it gives u more time to study who u want to be with, for goodness sakes MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A LONG TERM/LIFE TIME INVESTMENT! You wan rush inot something then 2 months after u get a divorce, all dmoney u spend on d wedding, take time to study ur partner o, 4yrs is not long abeg!

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4 years is too long 4 courtship, what is it u want to know about urself that u cant knoow in a year.

ave been in courtship for 5 years u cant believe it didnt work out.

but when God is incharge even 2months is ok.

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I started knowing my girl after 2-3 yrs,so it's not about matter of years but situations and problems you guys are able to face during the period you court,it will go a long way to show you the kind of person you wanna marry,not just i love u ,u love me thing.it's more than that.

All these crashes in new marraiges are caused by new challenges which both parties are surprised the way the other partner is handling it.so u can date for 500yrs,u will never know finish,it's like schooling

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well, as for me and my fiance, we started dating in 2002 and feb next year will make it 6 years. Our trad is next week sha. Would have gotten married a long time ago but due to finacial probs. so u see that so many factors can actually lead to long courtship

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However a clear difference should be shown between dating and courting, dating may take as long as you may wish to study each other, but courtship is just that last step to the real thing, at that point you are digesting and knowing what you have STUDIED. Then we might talk of courtship.

Nonetheless, ''when will the long rehearsed game of madness be staged in the market'' the earlier the better

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i think it really depend on the stage of life and maturity . for instance if they are hi school lovers and have interest in getting married but they both still want to finish college , if they don't break up or go with other people while in college then 4 years might not be too long maybe even 6 years will be good for them but if they ar both out of college and ar working adults what could they be waiting for ( 4 years ? ) if nothing is behind it 2 years the most i can agree. or else u want someone else to carry your sweetee away

i agree with you

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I strongly believe 4 yrs is not too long, i know of a couple who courted 4 13 yrs b4 getting married, it all depends on the readiness of both parties, 4 cryin out loud, marriage is not something u rush into, also marriage is not a bed of roses itself. D parties have to be Financially ready, physically ready, emotionally ready etc. I even believe it gives u time 2 know each other better. abeg make una still hold on tight.

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The answer is not that clear cut. A case of Different strokes for different folks.

But my opinion would be 2yrs maximum!!!

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long courtship is not good. at times when the to be couple are together I mean when there is no distance btween them some still succeed despite the long time of courtship, but if there is distance, it very bad.

that my personal opinion

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@mamaput et al

The post explicitly said 'courtship' not mere 'dating'

Courtship traditionally means the wooing of a woman by a man, usually as a prelude to marriage.

Dating is part of it as well as getting to know the parents, hanging-out together, sending sms, exchanging gifts and generally getting to know each other as a prelude to marriage.

@mamaput et al

They cannot be 'courting' at age 16. They might date not court.

All said, I don't see why I should court a lady for four years!

Even half of that is more than enough to make up one's damn mind about someone.

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its not about the number of years involved in the courtship. there is more to what u are asking so i think it will be better u give us the full gist to make the answers more appropraite for the situation

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I believe '4' it's another number but then it's a heavy one at that! We are looking at 48months altogether! (of cos '48' is yet another number!). Anyway, something dropped in my head a moment ago, that is why I'm back and that thing is the marriage oath of for BETTER or WORSE. So I thought to myself, if you are optimistic then you really do not have to wait forever no matter the constraints, cos for you it will always get better. And for the pessimist, don't stop at 4yrs, cos it might get worse. . .

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Hi,

I always tell some of my male friends that, is not good to marry

someone you don't know very well. But is not good to have a long

Relationship before marriage. Four years of courtship is too much

for a person who really want to marry. In my onw opinion i will say,

one or two years is good for courtship. Because some women will

never show you who there are untill you stay with them for longer time

likewise some men. If i understand about 60% of a woman's life, I will marry her.

finally, one to two years is good for courtship & marriage not four years.

cj.

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Which one be court ship again? am not a lawyer or a judge.

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LONG COURTSHIP

ADVANTAGES

1. you understand your to be spouse better.

DISAVANTAGES

1. You get tired of your  to be spouse before marriage, especially when there is sex.

2. there can be a break up .

3. if there is no sex any one of the to be spouses  might be cheating on the other if they are not god fearing.

4. she might get pregnant before marriage.

short courtship

advantages

1. you must answer mister or MRS

2.You settle fast.

disadvantage

1. no time to study your to be spouse expecially in this ever busy world.

2. you may discover what you didnt bargain for, leading to frustration, and cheating on your spouse.

they are many, let me give space to other people

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No number of years is too long for courtship.It depends on what is holding it

     two people may be deeply in love and the financial capability for the marriage is just  

     not there.They have to endure things with each other until they have the means

     It actually depends on the understanding of the two parties.Four years is not forever

     but just another number.

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Four years used to be my ideal for courtship, But trust me, that has changed! If I can have my way, I'd date for 2weeks, do a bit of come-my-house-I-go-your-house for 1month and then we'll marry! haba! person de tire o. Seriously 4yrs are enough to produce 3 children and if we could have stayed that long; ceteris paribus, na werin person still de wait for? Confirmation?! . And like someone noted 4yrs of courtship na MOCK-MARRIAGE. So when will you do the proper thing? Afterall, after MOCK na real EXAM, And to FLEE FORNICATION, please Keep It Short & Simple with no shady 'blockings'. It's not easy with marriage but then with everything in place, you need not wait that long, Don't give the serpent a hedge to crawl in, I'm tired jo,

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dear oyb,

you got it right on spot! i was tempted to stop at that spot,

as it is often said, it's much easier to be critical than to be correct; as it is also dangerous to base judgment of a matter in isolated circumstance[s].

in my eyes six months may be too long for sourtship! in another's eyes it may be six years, so, is there a universal yardstick for courting? who owns the yardstick? and who does the measurement? in the case of the courting couple they're [to me it seems] in the very good position to decide how long or how short they want the courtship to be,

some digression: i've been in a relationship since 2005, and i'm only getting married in 2009, yep, for some reasons. without words upon words, only you and your beloved partner can decide whether four years is too long for courtship or not! ces't finis!

flipsides? yes! especially when the two of you get to see each other too often, there's the sexual tension building up; there's the feeling that what's there new to know about this person? there's the possibility of you developing new fancies, and so on and so forth; none the less, selfless commitment can greatly help to weather these storms.

upsides? yea!over time, you learn to trust more, be more patient, your love for the person grows with endurance, the love becomes tested and trusted; your partner becomes a real friend - not just a lover; you learn more easily over time how to do things together, et cetera!

the call is yours, yours and that of your partner: outsiders may have opinions, you are and your heart-throb must make the decision for how long you want to date,

see dear, i feel like getting married like yesterday!

and lest i should forget, given his circumstance[s] for how many years did jacob court his wife[ves]?

for me, to love is to sacrifice: you either take it or drop it! take care to care, and i wish you the very best in your dating life, and remember, love doesn't behave indecently!

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I feel 4 years is too long.

I would say at least a year - cut out temptations etc.

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PUT SIMPLY ANYTIME IS APPROPRIATE DEPENDING ON THE PEOPLE AND THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES,

GREAT DAY HOUSE

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her nairalanders,

WAIT!!!!!WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We shouldnt just jump and start talking and blabbing when we see a topic. courting can take 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, years.look, circumstances differ in people, see a scenario like this: a guy has been dating a girl for 4months hoping to marry her the sixth month as some suggest, he did a business and lost  all the money he had saved,that if she has to wait, it might take another 2 years, what will you do if you really love the guy and most certainly you guys will get married, so how LONG IS YOUR COURTSHIP NOW? YOU ANSWER

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@oyb

Your responce is one of the most objective and analytical posts I have read on Nairaland.

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I think the lenght of courtship should depend on the the people involved i.e. their ages etc.It's all about determination and God's help.

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i dated my wife from 2001(was in 500 level at that time)  to 2006 (after i got a job with a reasonable salary).

my closest friend dated his wife from 1998 (they were medical students in 200 level at the time) to 2006.

I guess it depends alot on your outlook. in my case and my friends case we started dating our spouses while we were still in school. in some ways, i consider school the best place to meet your future spouse for a simple reason - in most school environments, you will always be able to find out about your spouse's true character.Once you meet a girl/guy out of the school environment, you know next to NOTHING about him/her.he may have been a cult capo- she may have been the school slag. (i knew a chick who was a mistress of deception- was basically telling me that she was a virgin - meanwhile the grapevine said diff - she'd been getting it on since 100 level. it made for a very peculiar pursuit - I was looking for a long term relationship, while she was (all things considered) looking to get laid.I didn't know about her history at first. i pity the poor sucker who eventually marries her. . .if he falls for her spiel- that is - )

the downside of dating in school is that your guy/girl may turn out to be a slacker in the long run. ie he/she may not make the transition from handsome/beautiful/cool  hunk/hottie to responsible upwardly mobile , family man/woman. being married to a person whose act is not together can take its toll on love. . .

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It all depends on the people involved. What worked for A might not be okay for B, my husband & I dated for 10yrs before getting married. We met during our first year in school and till today we are best of friends with a beautiful baby boy to show for it. There's no point rushing into marriage if you will end up rushing out or enduring the marriage.

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@mamaput,

u said it all, it depends on when dey start,

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in my opinion 4 years in not too long,if the girl was in her late teens and is stil in school.it is acceptable.

If she is in her 20s and its through with her education,it might just be cold feet on either part.

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It depends on what is holding it back from transiting to marriage, is it logical reasons like age (too young), education, finances etc, if there is no logical reason then there is a problem, if there is then it is not too long, patience

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dose it not depnd on how old they were when they started.

if both of them were 16, they can even court for 10 years.

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i think it really depend on the stage of life and maturity . for instance if they are hi school lovers and have interest in getting married but they both still want to finish college , if they dont break up or go with other people while in college then 4 years might not be too long maybe even 6 years will be good for them but if they ar both out of college and ar working adults what could they be waiting for ( 4 years ? ) if nothing is behind it 2 years the most i can agree. or else u want someone else to carry ur sweetee away

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Hmnnnn, nice advises.

But in a situation where by both have made up their mind to get married to each other but the age isn't right enough for marriage.

Say for instance the guy is 25 and the girl is 24. And you know girls for what they are wants to get married at 27 but the guy wants to get married at 29.

What do you guys think?

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Depending on how old are the couple and what stage they are in their study/carrer but nothwithstanding 1 year minimum and 2 years maximum to know each other a bit and then decide whether or not there is weeding beel.

@ IMAM1

Your parent relationship is one of the exceptions when people can meet and marry just like that. Also there generation is quite different from the present impatient and selfish generation we are now.

4 years is too long especially from the woman point of view because if she kept spending 4 years courtship in 3 relationship that will be 12 years with say even age 20 that will make her 32 years, so 2 years maximum.

Also 4 years is a long time to avoid temptation and if you having pre-marital sex you as good as married and what is it to look forward to. More like 1 year to 1 year and half , i concur with Thoniaslim on this point

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it all depends. on if they are ready to get married.

Relationship/ courtship cld last for 6yrs, it cld last for 3months; it all depends on both of them. if they matured enough to get married.

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Wow! Some advice! And some wonder why people opt for other choices.

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In my opinion it is too long, if a man cannot decide if he wants to marry you after like 6 months of dating then he is not sure he wants to marry you, because a guy who is 100% sure of the woman he wants to spend his life with would not hesistate, my dad married my mum after 3 months and they have been married for 30 years and still going, so whats the point of taking to long, i believe you can find out as much as you want about a person in the first month of dating.

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