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Is He Being Too Insecure?

hi yàll.am new here and would really love to get some advice from you.

ive been married for a couple of months now and i love my husband with all my heart.

he`s  a very loving and caring husband but my problem with him is his insecurity

i cannt go to visit friends without his permission and even when he permits me to go,he must take me there and bring me back home.  i must not have male friends and must not give my number to even male collegues except if its absolutely necessary.   i cannot attend events,parties or shows without him.   if my office is organising a party or just a get together, i cannot go because he will not be there and my male collegues will be. i cannot even have neighbourly chats with male neighbours cos he feels they all have designs on me and by being friendly, i will be encouraging them.

he has deleted my family friends numbers from my phone, just becos they are guys and might suddenly wake up and decide that they love me.  ive tried so hard to convince him that i will always be faithfull and true to him, all to no avail.

funny enough, i  trust him and don`t keep such tabs on him.

i really dnt know what else to say or do to convince him that i have no interest in any other man except him. which why i married HIM in the first place.

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49 answers

correction: I definitely was NOT saying she should've seen it in the man b4 marrying him

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@Bolarge: thank you for clearing the air for me with NaJa HaJe. I was also beginning to wonder o!

@NaJa Haje:

sister, don't misunderstand me. I seconded Bolarge's views on the fact that the woman shouldn't condone an abusive relationship by keeping quiet. And that giving the husband space temporarily should be used as a last measure. I definitely was saying she should've seen it in the man before marrying him. I already asked and she told me he wasn't like that before they got married (and I certainly have no reason not to believe her!) That's why I referred you to my earlier posts.

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@borlage

of course we're cool. nothings wrong with some healthy banter every once in a while,

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@sugarplum!

I know you've read all the posts here and will decide how to handle your situation. Whatever the outcome, please let us in on it and don't be ashamed to share your experience. This is the only way we can help each other.

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@Bolarge

i didnt know anyone was getting upset. when did that happen?

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@ariblaze

If u follwed this thread from d on set, u'll discover @poster has alredy done all this things u're asking her to do now. She's left with no option than 2 b firm and stand for herself. Its nt just 4 now but 4 d future, its better 2 call d bluff and later reconcile or suffer forever, if u were @poster, which will u choose?

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[quote][/quote]Sounds like you will do exactly the same thing to your wife!

i dont have to be a genuis

to understand certain mind dispositions

for the record am not married

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@junegirl

if you read my comment properly u would have understood that i was not referring to your previous comments but rather to your seconding bolarge's reply.

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You must have missed my earlier posts. Perhaps you should read them first before passing judgement on me.

Sounds like you will do exactly the same thing to your wife!

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@ Gtay

thank you.will do just that.

@ ariblaze

thank you too.

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@joey

i think you probably mean well but seem not to know squat about this issue

same goes to

Bolarge & junegirl

@poster/sugarplum

never ever ever call your husband's bluff

you are guaranteed heartbreak or worse still divorce

the best approach is patience and wisdom as someone rightly said

you need to sit your husband down and make him realise how much his lack of trust is killing you without losing your patience

you might never know , someone he knows might have suffered from an episode

that wants to avoid

do you realise even him(because you sound reasonable thus i expect he is too)

will feel less of a man doing this, but probably figures out that you are more important than his ego

sit him down and explain,

it  might be difficult

but its a start, drop your phone around so he senses you have nuthing to hide.

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@ Bolarge:

I second your views completely!

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minds of several earlier posters too. It's not 'bout divorce. It's 'bout taking drastic but necessary

measures to prevent an outrightly abusive relationship, tell-tale signs of which are already glaring.

Do you know how many women have lost their lives to such simply b'cs they kept quiet instead of

seekng help both for themselves n' the disturbed husband?

Do we advise her to wait until her husband has shot her like twice before putting meaningful distance between

them? Our dear sugarplum! does not need to allow things go too far before she takes meaningful measures

and yes, putting some distance between them temporarily is not exactly ruled out. But like I said. . last resort.

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U guys need to understand that they are already married. saying things like they neva knew each other before they got married is not helping Sugarplum and is making things worse for her. That is the talk of divorce.

YOU GUYS NEED TO UNDERSTAND THIS!!!!!

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thank you so much you guys.

i really really appreciate your help.

ive come to realise from your views that in as much as i love him, i do need to also have a life outside my home

i will try my best to make him realise that, no matter how ugly it gets.

thank you all so much for your help and may you find favour in your time of need too.

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@sugarplum!

Sorry girl but there definitely were tell-tale signs of this kind of attitude while u were

courting that u refused to take cognisance of. This kind of attitude don't show up

overnight. Damage control measures however will include your putting your foot down

now that it's still early in your marriage b'cs whether u admit it or not you're sitting on

a time bomb dearie n' it's only a matter of time before this turns into a viciously abusive

relationship as some earlier posters have highlighted without the help n' support of

family n' friends. Do not hesitate to walk out on him for a few months if u have to. Only

drastic measures like this can sink the message into most twisted guys like this.

Once he realises he's 'bout to lose what matters most in his life to his unfounded insecurity,

he'll have a rethink.

  This however should be a last resort. Wish u the very best sweetie.

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@sugarplum

u need to know that quantity is not the same as quality!!!!! you might need to be tough with him if you're going to make your marriage work. He's exhibiting signs of selfishness and your letting him. There is something called tough love. Because a kid does not want to take a bath does not mean you're going to allow that! if there is going to be a fight then let there be. After that he will have to listen.

if you're waiting till he cools down then you'll be waiting for a very very long time

Grow some skin Darling and deal with it!!!!

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@funmeme:

Pls don't do it! Don't for once think he'll change when you both get married, he only get worse. Just read Igbonla's post about his sister and ask yourself if that's the kind of marriage you want. It's not love o, my sister don't be decieved. It's pyschotic obsession.

@sugarplum:

Really? He became this possesive after marriage? Does he have a complex? I mean, are you from a more comfortable background than him, do you have a better job etc? Anyway, what's done is done done, the issue now is how do you handle the situation? First of all, don't let him cut you off from your friends and family. They are the greatest support system in the world. You need them. Number two, are you willing to become a recluse for his sake? Will you be happy if you live your life the way he's trying to make you? If not, don't heed his jealous demands. Only a happy woman makes a good wife and mother to her kids. In as much as marriage is give and take, individual happiness is paramount. Make it clear to him that a reasonable amount of freedom is part of what makes you happy. You love him, you want to be with him but you want your friends in your life as well. If he can't reconcile with that, it means he can't stand you being happy. And that's a major problem.

For all the girls in the house: please note that true love is not possession. That you love a guy doesn't mean you possess him (or vice versa).If you love someone then you should want that person's happiness even if it means his/her being with someone other than you. You only love someone, you can't own him/her. Even a mother does not own her child.

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@sugarplum!

You've only been married for some months and things have started happening! It is not about any of his exes, it is his state of mind. Why was he not like this before the marriage?

You surely need help to handle this but it is too early to face this kind of challenge.

La vie est belle!

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@ nana

we did. we dated for almost two years before tying the knot

and that is why i find it strange and am concerned that he is now exihbiting this attitude

atleast then, i could still go hang out with friends and go places on my own.

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Such men who over protect their wives are dangerouse.

Watch out  he doesn't keep chains of girl friends, married ones

invlusive.Hence he cannot trust you.

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Hmmm. . .it seems as if u both didnt get to know each other v.well before saying I DO.

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@NaJaHaJe

thank you so much.

im trying my best but he`s so short tempered and does not like to dwell on conversations that are not favourable to him.

he knows am nothing like any of his ex`s cos av tried showing him and also telling him.

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@sugarplum!,

We all have friends with questionables pasts but have learnt to manage them, that does not make you evil. Your husband can talk about them if it bothers him but he shouldn't snuff life out of you to secure his future.

That he is not outgoing does not mean you should be caged, marriage should provide an opportunity for both parties good sides to rub off on the other except if your husband believes that it is better not to be outgoing. Does his married friends treat their wives like that too?

So you must visit friends with your husband to avoid quarrel? You better have the quarrel now when you still have the strength to resist this slavery.

You should watch out for part 2 of this act; your husband may bring up some atitude that were covered up when you guys were dating!

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Let me be plain. I think you have a serious problem here.

You husband is not only insecure, but has the tendency to get psycho, if you know what I mean.

Like a poster said, "this is how abusive relationship starts". They take away all your support, bar you from interacting or talking to others and then, when they start dealing with you, you have no one and no where to turn to.

This sort of over possessiveness is not love, but seems more like  fear and abuse to me

The way:

1. Pray seriousy about it

2. Sit him down and talk politely but firmly to him. Make him understand that you are faithful but you need other human beings as well to live a full life. He can't cut you off from your friends, family, colleagues and neighbours and expect you to be a normal human being ( you may go nuts if you don't take action now)

3. Get your family and ery close friends involved now, while it is yet early days.

4. If he won't change, take your destiny in your hands. Marriage is for better for worse but no man has the right to put you in bondage because he married you. Marriage is not bondage. If he can't handle mariage with all the friends and families that come withit, he needs to look for another wife or go live alone

Sorry I may have been harsh on your husband, but lets get the truth out. You need to be free even in your marriage or else, worse things could happen to you. God forbid !

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Well then I think you have answered your problem. He neva dealt with his past relationships. He neva got over them that is why he is unloading it on you. You now have to help him come to terms with his problems and help him deal with it. I cant make any suggestions on how to do this because I dont know what kind personality he has and what kind of communication you have with him.

He is clearly afriad that you are going to go down the paths his exes took but you now have to reassure him and leave him to deal with it. You cannot mother him on this issue or he might become dangerously dependednt on you.

Does any of this help?

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@ junegirl

he was not like that before we got married

he changed the moment we got married

@ moladun

thank you.

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@poster:

he's seroiusly insecure, there's no doubt about it and it has nothing to do with you. It'seither he doesn't have enough confidence in himself and cannot believe his luck in marrying someone like you, or he he loves you in a negative way: possesively, obsessively. If he continues like that, in time the novelty will wear out and you guys will fall out real bad. Sorry but my question is this, is it after marriage that you realised that he's like this or you knew during courtship and you thought he was going to change? If you were still courting, I'd have said don't marry him but now, you just have to patiently weather it out. All the best!

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my dear sugarplum!, I will advice u shoulda continued calling his bluff, dosen't matter how he reacts, he'll accept it with time. That's just d only way whether u like it or not. Sometimes u've got to be 'strangely stubborn' 2 b able 2 effect change.

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@ NaJaHaJe

well, he hasnt been in too many relationships and they havent been that good either.

his first ex cheated on him and the last ex woke up one day and said she was no longer interested.

i dnt keep too much friends but some of them have questionable pasts though

he has both single and married friends and the married ones are responsible men.

he`s not the outgoing type so i doubt if its peer pressure.

thanks alot for your advice. it does help.

@ joey82

believe  me, the day i tried to call his bluff and insisted i wanted to visit a friend without him, it turned into a serious quarrel.i shall not forget that day in a hurry.

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Ok, you can't go to your friends but can they come? And I didn't know women can't visit their friends once they are married. And he takes you to visit friends like you are some kindergarten baby?

I'm sorry you have to live with the choice you have made, pray and hope for the best. To think the guy wasn't like this when you were dating made it more pathetic but I am not surprised cos my sister's husband was like that.

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@Topic, you dey try!

Find someway to drum the message into his head. Gotta practice patience too.

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@sugarplum

The only way 2 make him see reason is 2 be urself, interact freely and damn his jealousy, he'll soon learn to take u the way u are "life's too short 2 hold back", d earlier u start being firm, the better 4 d future. u ain't gonna be in that shell forever unless u're prepared to continue being d "ice queen".

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@ benit

thank you.

@easybaby

what condition?

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Sugarplum

I like your name and u talk like one.

First of all,,  what was your husband's past like,  as in has he been hurt before or being cheated on. What kind of friends does he keep. What are their coconversations like? What are the marital status's of his friends? what are their views on cheaters and heartbreakers? What kind of girlfriends do you keep? How much of the convo btwn u and your girlfriends do u tell him about? Have any of your friends being unfaithful to their partners that he knows about?

ask yourself this questions before u approach him because personally I think this is either psychological of a result of immense peer pressure. For your sake I hope its not both. its not enough that he's insecure, its deeper than that.

You will have to tenderly recondition his mentality to understand that there are different kinds of women out there are you don't belong to the heartless ones. You also need to understand that this is a problem that is coming from within himself and he will have to acknowledge that he has a problem first (which u will need to help him get to) and decide to deal with (which he will need some help as well)

Does any of it help?

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He restricts you to even his family members, this is actually difficult and you require wisdom to tackle it so that your marriage will work, if you start complaining too much it might turn to bitterness. You have to be politely firm (if anything like that) plead with him, beg him, talk to him, assure him again, anything to make him see that you are not happy with the situation because you may soon be asked to stop working if this insecurity continues. Pray about it too.

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is he your police dog or ur husband?

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@ joey82

that is my predicament. how do i make him see reasons?

my male collegues have nicknamed me "ice queen" cos am not friendly with them and they believe am putting on airs.

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@ igbonla

my  immediate family all live in the north so there is no one close by.

my friends he does not let me visit cos he says am now a married woman and so should not be doing the visiting.

the few friends i can visit, he takes me there himself and brings me back home.

his family, i cannot confide in cos he has forbidden me from going there without his permission or in his absence.

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@sugarplum!

Now, i can't even understand who's suffering btw u two, the fear is that ur husband may soon develop a heart problem if he continues like this, cos from d first post i can see u're a working class and can't even avoid interacting with men. Every man is jealous of love but ther are limits, maybe u can still try to make him see reasons sha.

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@ThoniaSlim,

It is not the what she is doing or not doing but the guy's perception like you pointed out. The guy needs help.

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It's absolute bs! There should be no fear if he trusts you. This is bondage and you need prayers to free yourself.

This is how abusive relationships usually starts, the guy first take away all your support (friends and families) leaving you with nobody to lean on when the real thing starts.

I can't tell you to leave him but you need your family and friends, any man that can't handle that should not be married in the first instance.

No apologies!

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@ thonia

thanks. i will try my best cos i dnt have any choice.

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ive asked him so many times if there was something he discovered about me and he said no.

each time i bring it up, he tells me its the men he does not trust, that he trusts me.

morever, why go ahead and marry someone you do not trust ?

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@ joey

i dint say i was tired of him trying to protect me. i know he cares about me and i appreciate that.

but he`s being excessively jealous and i wonder why, cos av never given him cause to doubt my love and faithfulness to him. the funny part is, he wasnt like that while we were still courting so why the sudden change now that we are married? it was easier for me to have cheated on him while i was still single(which i didnt), instead of now that i`ve married him, dnt you think?

@ osereka

i have never given him cause not to trust me cos ive never cheated on him and he knows it.

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NO

HE NO TRUST YOU.

maybe you've got HOT PANT

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I checked your profile to see maybe your picture was there. I guess u're a pretty lady and he can't stand loosing u.

Why not sit him down and let him know u aint the type of person he's trying to make u look like? Let him realize that he's the only one u've got and u don't have time for any other man.

Let him know how commited u are to Him.

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He's being insecured.

I think he still belongs to the group of men, who believe women are very vulnerable. such men it would take the grace of God to change their thinking. but i suggest you don't loose hope, keep doing the things you do, to make him feel more secured where men are concerned.

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