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Is It True? Family First.

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yes negro-nts but not if one day i find my son kidnapped to nigeria! after all my pains that aint happening. i am a gentle soul but no fool. i gave birth, financed, care for him, his  heritage is important but his safety is paramount. me and my children have been more his family and i will not allow him to dictate no longer.

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Bridget,

None of us in here give a shyit about you and your whacky dude, ; but we are concerned about the children, all 5 of them.  We wish them well being.  In particular, we are concerned about the baby.  According to you your other 4 kids have a relation with their paternal bloodline.  We wish the same for the little baby. It is our hope that you will use prudence in guiding his nurture to share in both sides of his background.  

I don't know what a baby need, I know how to make one though.  Listen to both T and BB, they are telling you the path forward and both messages are consistent on what your baby will need.

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Thanks Guy that was me being very angry before, I could give details of all but I won't degrade myself. I love him and his family but \I will not lower myself to such cold treatment. He has treated his mama ike his cash slave, and he callls me for not being nce to her!! As far as I am concerned I have gave her my time, love and apologies when not been there when my partner has mad me feel guilty.

Last time she was here she tol dme she was glad that i had met himand got him off smoke and drink, sounds like she had a eason, she made the wringing hand motion to me, he was still hiding pot from her

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I wonder O! Negro!

I still wonder how long this whole relationship was!

If the grandmother is approachable I suggest you ring her and let her know what is going on so your child still has a link to his identity

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Bridget,

Dont cut off contacts and relations between the baby and his grandmother.

The rest of all that crap you wrote, were you blindfolded when u met him?

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count your teeth with ur tounge.

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I see! I think there is a backdoor approach to get care for the baby on the father's side. The grandma seem concerned. What would any of you advise Bridget to do in her relationship with the baby's grandmother so that the interest of the baby is sustained?

Its not lost on the grandmother that Bridget is in custody of her bloodline and I'm sure she will be approachable on the baby's behalf. I noticed that she cared generally about Bridget's other kids as well. So there is a soft spot in her towards Bridget already.

How does she make responsible use of it? Input anyone,

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The baby is better off with his biological mum.

He is a full-time student who's visa only permits him to work for a maximum of 20 hours per week, so financially, he cannot contribute zilch towards the baby's upkeep for now. Once they marry and he starts living under her roof, she would have to be responsible for his financial needs, If he loses his job.

Even though he stays on his own, he managed to flunk his exams which is the reason he is seeking extension of his visa. If they get married and he moves in, how long do you think till he starts complaining that the kids noise is preventing him from studying or that waking up occasionally in the night to cater to the baby's needs whilst the mum gets some much needed rest is affecting his studies?

If he had passed, he would have been able to apply for a two-year work permit, which would enable to get him a full time job, and be able to assist his family financially, but for reasons best known to him he failed.

The guy is still a baby himself. They were supposed to get married sometimes last year, but he called off the wedding and callously told her that he was not yet ready, that he was a student, that he wanted to travel the world, that he was too young, etc

He has told her several times that he feels stifled by her, that she and her children prevents him from doing what his mates are doing, that she has sabotaged his future plans to relocate back to Nigeria after his studies, that he wishes she didn't have kids before they met, . . .

I wouldn't put it past him to have had the audacity to accuse her of using their baby to tie him down?

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BB,

Talk to me about the baby. What should happen in regards to the baby? Let's focus discussion on that, ; given everything else as is, what is recoverable for the baby's benefit?

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@ LadyT

Bridget can take him to the cleaners whether they get married or not, all she needs is his National Insurance Number, the Child Support Agency would do the rest.

Marrying the workshy layabout for now would only compound things for her. If he does not have a job, and he claims income support, all he would have to pay is £5 per week in child support. Also them getting married might have a knock-on effect on her tax credit. She would be required to send her husband's income details till she is blue in the face, she might be liable to pay council tax on his behalf, she would have to fill in several notice of dissociation if she does not want her unblemished credit record to be lumped with his, . . .

He messed up, so he needs to prove himself right before her. If he really loves her, he should not hold a grudge against her for not helping him with his papers.

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BB I'm sorry I don't agree.  Only a blind person wouldnot know from what the OP was saying that is was not all about papers! Why they had a baby was beyond me but I'm sure he did it to cement his status.

I would marry the bastard so he would be accountable in paying flipping child support.

Shes gets on with his mother she has no problem.  Its him who is the problem. 

I'm sorry I really don't understand people who have children then marriage is a problem.  Hello a child is for life it took two fo you to make a baby therefore two of you should raise the baby.  Theres no opt out clause on raising kids.

If the poster is smart she should make him pay through his nose.  He wants papers abi?  Theres no $free.99 in this world.  NaughtyPerson better pay.

Hissssssss

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Offering to marry the guy now would only favour him, and he is not the one hurting. You need to ask what the guy did in terms of help towards the upkeep of his baby. According to Bridget, she has had to do everything on her own, what would marrying this guy do? If he did not proffer any help whilst they were dating, what makes you think he would start now after getting married and getting everything offered to him on a plate?

Bridget has not chosen not to marry the guy out of spite, but because deep down, the guy keeps misbehaving and is not remorseful.

Taking the risk to open ourselves to love, inevitably means we are equally susceptible to getting our heart broken. We are human beings with feelings so what she is going through is a natural healing process which she would soon get over. She has motherhood to thank for that.

I would have agreed with the part that him being in London, would mean staying with them and being recognised as the head of the nuclear family, but . . .

I don't want to generalise but I have a lot of friends dating guys that smokes weeds and have discovered that in all cases the men are usually detached from their family emotionally, physically, financially and often make a lot of irrational decisions.

Some examples of their misdemeanour that a normal guy would not do,includes:

putting the woman down,

calling her ugly,

telling them no one wants them,

asking for DNA out of the blue, despite not providing one penny for the child in question,

often staying out for days/weeks/months/years, 

refusing to see the child

ask to see the child, then blank the child despite the child calling daddy

etc

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LadyT and Busy Body,

What do you think of this option for her?

That for the sake of her baby for him, to marry him so he can get his stay. By staying he then has presence to assist her in parenting as well as finacial responsibilities. In London, you are family, he doesn't have the pressure of accounting anything to anyone. When he goes home on visits, its his problem what he accounts for with his people. Bridget has a choice in that circumstance and knowing what to expect, to go on the trip with him or not.

I don't know much about the immigration status requirements for UK to fully balance this option with some prerequisites that Bridget should demand from him. I'm thinking there should be term limits as well as financial obligations.

T and BB, Your inputs please.

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Yes 0o !

Family 1st . .

i gat to make d rest of em' 2nd.

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@ Rampant, If it hadn't happened to me I would doubt it too, but sadly it is true.

@ Lady T, yes holding the baby again, but I have no regrets about our son he is a joy and whilst I don't think I'll ever trust a man again now I will always have my children. I told him I would not marry him now but I did not opt out of the relationship, I never saw this relationship as being 'opt out' and it saddens me to know he does.

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sorry poster,but im beginning to doubt ur story

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What nonesense

Where is the love is it only NOW he knows you have other children?

Why did you both have a child together? So now once again you will be left holding the baby.

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Since you are a product of western society, I understand your plight with the family's refusal to welcome your kids. I would advise you to stick to what you hold dear to you - your kids. They are your pride and joy. If your husband-to-be's family is not ready to welcome and accept your joy (your kids) into their life, I would seriously recommend against going further with the marriage. It may come as a surprise to you that family is an important part of marriage in most Nigerian families, if not all. If his family is not ready to be supportive and accepting of your children now, that could create havoc in the future.

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At the end of the day your other children will not bear his name. His family while wishing your other kids well will soley be interested in HIS offspring as it is their bloodline. I mean your other children have their own family unit on your side and their fathers side who are concerned for them. You cant expect another family to adopt children they have never asked for forcefully. Dont get me wrong as long as he accepts the kids they will too but not as their blood. There will be a clear difference.

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some men r like dat,so dont get too excited over it

@topic

leave dis man,simple

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Sistawoman,

Read my response again and make sure you understand it. Use insight to interprete the meanings, most of my writings are for insightful minds. If you have questions then, approach me and we will discuss it. Do not hastily jump to conclusion and apply what I said here to your family situation, be careful!!!

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If i understand you correctly when my husband takes me to Nigeria he will not allow my children to come along because they are from my first marriage. What rubbish is that?

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Bridget,

In Nigeria, family lineage through the surname is very very important, it is the child's tie to a glorious heritage and he/she is constantly reminded through oral eulogy of the bravery, the glory, the nobility, the fierceness of his/her ancestors past. The last name (family name) is an asset but it could also become a liability. When a man is eligible for marriage, all eyes are on him. His success in that marriage is a pride and glory that the family can use as a beacon to those behind him. The girls in the family, even though will acquire a different last name are equally given the privilege and protection. The protection comes from parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, even neighbors are intimately involved. Marriage in Nigeria is a hands-on affair for the family. What are they protecting? The family name! They rally 'round you in time of trouble, they counsel and encourage your will and prolong the marriage.

In the West, family lineage is important also but only as a consequence of nationality and breed. It is not unusual to find children from same biological parents but with different last names that they have adopted to suit their different lifestyles. Marriage in the West, is hands-off _ people gather to witness and wish you well. The success or failure of it is on you and your partner; and possibly the marriage counselor that will charge you arms and legs per consulting session.

Where is he going to put 4 kids that do not bear his last name, what family is he taking them to? I am sorry if I am blunt. You need someone to jolt you out of your sky high sentiments and anchor your feet back on the ground. Where are the women on this thread, please advise this beautiful lady and support her emotions. It is hard but the earlier you realize the truth the better. Now, there is another spin to it, he will have to hide those 4 kids and not go everywhere with them that he will go with the baby you had for him. How is he going to explain them to Uncle Muka; or Iya Labake?

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@ topup

Thank you so much for your prayers.

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To the OP,

That is how it is supposed to be, family first before marriage and then immediate family after. Though I believe that as his fiance he should already be putting you first. I sincerely hope this guy is not using you. Who knows he may truly love you, but unless you come down hard on him and tell him what you need and want in the relationship he'll probably have the view that you are a simple minded easy to fool female who'll believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

The guy shouldn't be spending more time with his mother than you especially with your wedding coming up so close. The guy should be reassured that he'll have plenty of time even after the wedding to spend with his mother (as long as he puts you first of course).

I hope this guy is not messing around with you.

Try and look at it from this point of view; though you may love him a lot, you may be the one supporting the relationship, and if you relied on his love, it'd be almost meaningless and platonic, please do not focus on how much you love him (unless you are willing to compromise yourself greatly and do only as he says and wishes), try and assess whether the guy truly loves you, it's not enough for him to care about you and have 'feelings' for you, he has to love you and be mature enough to make the right decisions for both of your futures.

I'll pray for you, so that whatever happens, it'll be the best outcome for your future happiness.

Take care.

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Briget,

Please dont marry this dude. Please I think you are making the right decison for your children not to marry him. If he really wanted to be with you he would be with you and you would not be wondering where is love lies or where your place is in the family.

I had my tubes tied after my first husband for this very reason. I know me I would have fell in love with someone and then wanted to have a baby for them and then i would have been stuck with a child to take care of if they wanted to walk away. Plus at 33 I am too dam selfish to raise a baby, it would starve to death bleeping around with me.

I learned the first time and just have the one "baby daddy" no more. I wish you and your children the best.

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@Post,

I think lidbb2 gave a very direct and matter-of-fact response when he said this,

If I'm correct, the poster has a baby with the Nigerian dude. Before that, she already had 4 kids in other relationship/s. Forget your position in the family, you are not first, second or third, it is not going to happen, period!

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@ Ruby, yes i have done these things with his mum and him, took them shopping and drove them around but at nights he does not come to me he says he can't leave mum on her own to come to me??

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I wouldn't want my hubby to not have time for his mom just b/c of me, yet at the same time, I wouldn't want him to

forget me just because his mom is around.

Solution: Try to spend time wiv his mom too(take her shopping etc), and he'll be there along wiv you sometimes.

Well, atleast at night time he'll be all yours. I haven't heard of a grown man sleeping in same bedroom wiv his mom

just b/c she came to visit him sha.

Well, the best of luck.

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Maybe he wants to use you as his ticket to the glory land?

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@ rampant

I do understand the points you raise and will definately consider and raise these with him.

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I keep saying this that one of the reasons why relationships fail and marriages is because we expect too much from people knowing fully well that they are human beings and vulnerable to their own behaviours

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@poster

sweetheart listen

a man will always take his wife and kids as his first priority,but if he's not married to u yet,i wonder why you're already dragging rights unnecessarily

take for instance your kids,u love them don't u?now if u were told to choose between them and your man,who will u go for?

any man that does not make his legally married wife as his number one is a fool,but if they r not married ,im against all this rights dragging and so on,as long as he gives me d attention i want as his girlfriend im very much satisfied wt that,but once we get married,then i must come first,that is what im trying to say here

anyways i will advise u to really consider this marriage of a thing wt d guy,im  a nigerian and i will tell u better,reasons are

1. its very hard to see a nigerian man marry  outside ,and then to a woman who has 1kid not to talk of 4 ,and stay wt her forever,yes they will marry u ,but ,but they will always want their own kids to come first,and hence that marriage wont last,it doesnt happen all d time though,but this is exactly d way it is

2. you're older than he is,no way ,they might be complications

3.he might be getting married to u for a particular reason that's not love(i said might)

so sit yourself down and reconsider

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no wonder,now i know u did not read my reply wt your two eyes opened,i guess u read it wt one eye opened and d other closed,now open them well and read properly

or better still let me analyse it for u

i said , this man is not married to her yet so she should stop being selfish wt herself,a man/woman that aint married yet should not be forced to make his lover his/her utmost priority,when i was single ,my family always came first and i did not bother my fiance(now my husband) then to make me his number 1 priority,that would have been damn too silly of me,now that im married to him,he's my number one,and so also im i his utmost priority

but a woman who's not married yet and has started bothering herself about who comes first and does not come first,needs some good matured spanking that will bring her head together in one shape

so my dear take away your wish for me,and stick it back inside your bag,because im not going to be needing it in this life

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@ rampant

fortunately for me my husband puts me first before everyone and i put him first before anyone as it should be, a man should love his family but the issue is who should come first and i say wife and kids.

i love my in-laws but i am immediate family, my in laws dont think like u thankfully and love me fine.

since you are a she i hope u get wat u wish for then, a man that puts his mother and every other person before you

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if u ask me,i'd say i pity for d man that will bring u or has already brought u into his house,because you're going to scatter his family wt your four cornered way of thinking

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@ poster

if u like yourself RUN

you think his mother will spoil his chances, kids from another man? you must be expecting a miracle. infact if am the one i wil disown my son if he doesnt divorce you after he gets his visa of course

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@ bridget007

it seems you've got it all sorted out.

all we can do is to give our opinions on your issue.its left for you to either take it or leave it.

i'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

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@ michelin89

Thank you.

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@ lidbb2

I agree with you!

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@ busy_body

i know that nigerian men dont have problems with getting involved with foreign ladies with children for other men.

marrying them however,is a completely different issue.

i repeat and stand by my opinion that it is RARE for a nigerian family to encourage their young son to marry a significantly older woman from another continent and who has children for another man unless they want something from her.

the fact that she has a baby for him doesn't really make the lady acceptable.

most families will accept the baby,and still encourage their son to marry a younger nigerian lady.such instances are common.

i'm sure u know what i'm talking about.

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