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Is There Anything Like 'respecting Privacy' In Marriage?

Sometime ago, a friend of mine visited me. My wife had gone out to a nearby shop to buy something. Moments later, a text message was delivered to my wife's phone. My wife left her phone at home. I casually picked up the phone and read the message. I noticed the look of surprise on my friend's face. He told me that he and his wife don't read each others mails, don't divulge passwords, and stuff like that; reason being that they want to respect each others privacy.

Now the question is should certain things be kept from your spouse all in the name of respecting privacy or is there wisdom in allowing your spouse free entry and exit as far as these delicate things are concerned?

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55 answers

But, really, there should b some space.

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WTH r u lukin for, in her phone? Y bein suspicious? Y boda ova notin? If dat msg was sent by MTN, remindin her dat her acct bal is 0, I bet, d nxt tin u'd do was to drop it like its hot (Lol. kiddin).

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SMH@many of the dumb Bottom comments on this thread....I can tell single people wrote that bullshit.

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as a man, be open to ur wife wit wisdom.

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In marriage there should be no privacy whatsoever.

If you or your wife thinks there should be privacy

Then you are not ready for marriage.

Now here is a story about a gal and a guy.

This guy has loved this gal with all his heart and he told her everything, even to the tiniest details.

Even with the huge distance within them they still managed to keep things exciting, always looking forward to when they will see each other again.

Then it happened that the guy went for his NYSC, and seeing so many willing gals around him suddenly started feeling he was missing out of the fun. So he decided to catch some fun in his immediate environment.

Suddenly those tiny details he was used to telling his gal friend stopped. He started seeing the need to keep some certain information private.

His level of openness drastically reduced.

Although he was still calling and showing care as normal, but inside of Him he knew that he was doing what was wrong.

Then came a day the gal visited him, and with a calm voice told him "dear I think you are cheating on me" he got angry and requested to know why she would say such, since he felt he was doing everything right by her.

Then with her usual calm voice she replied, its just like I don't know u anymore. The guy was startled and managed to say, "but nothing has changed" then she said those little things u used to tell me made me feel safe with you. You made me feel like I was part of you when u didn't hide anything from me. But these days u seem like a stranger to me.

Most times the need to have some privacy simply shows that we are not yet ready to fully let someone into our lives.

Although the case scenario doesn't match a husband and wife issue, what I am trying to point out is that, in marriage there is no me........ Untill u learn to sacrifice self, u are not guaranteed of happiness.

That is why u must be careful of your choice of a life partner.

Even in boy/gal relationships, openness should be encouraged. But I guess with so much to hide these days, everyone is hiding under the guise of "respecting privacy"

My gf has exclusive right to my phone, and she checks when she feels like. And personally I don't mind her checking.

If I don't want her seeing anything I simply delete it. Its that simple.

My wife will have all passwords except work related.

And that is because I have an agreement with my employer not to divulge it.

She would know all pins and security codes. As needed.

I see no reason to hide anything as I plan on establishing proper communication at all times.

If I can't be totally open to her, then she is not fit to be my wife. She is like my second half. Without her I simply don't exist. That's just the way I see my future wife.

Shikena.

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My wife and I recently had an argument because I went in her wallet and grabbed our other bank card to pay a bill. She was mad because I didn't ask her to go in her wallet. It was also 2 am and I was just taking care of some bills cause I couldn't sleep. I told her that I wasn't waking her up for something like that like I'm a child. I'm her husband and I have that right. Now I told her there is no real privacy in marriage. I don't go through her things to snoop, and when i do something it's a fine reason behind it. She claims it's not respectful to just go in her wallet and I don't agree. Im her husband and if it was the other way around i wouldnt care but i take care of the finances so how Am I wrong? Theres no secrets in marriage and trust is very important. It's a silly thing to argue over and when you think about it what are we really arguing about?

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Please read this inspiring story about marriage:

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

Read the rest of this story here http://soinspiringstories.blogspot.com/2011/10/marriage.html

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@FBS

i read n understood each n every down fukkin thing dat u n d @op said aight? i made dat 1st statement dat u replied boldedly based on d examples we wia givin about d privacy stuff n not what u meant aight? to cut it short, d problem is, every man for himself k? for ME, i have nothin to hide from my wife n i won't ask her not to pick up my phone wen im not around, buh d fact is, to show a good sign of RESPECT to your partner, u berrer not!

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When u start living up a life of privacy and secrecy with your spouse, just be rest assured that one day,

someday you would live up carelessly, and would realize that all the time, money and love you have invested

to build up your home has gone down the drain.

Did you not know that when two become one, all problems are solved to a minimal.

Marriage is for two, not one. What are you evening hiding from your spouse self.

Why get married when you are not ready.

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That you gave her your password does not mean she will check behind you. It's nothing but your assumption.

Go back and read and you will see what I mean.

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The question is, what is the BIG deal if she knows the password to your e-mail? Why can't she have it? Access to everything? bank account, e-mail and what have you? Why can't she answer my phone?

It is because you already have it at the back of your mind that she wants to monitor you (i.e you have something to hide) that you are against it.

How can you say she is your wife, yet you say she shouldn't have all these?

Don't you think it is boosts your confidence (and in your partner) when you know you have or know something and you can check it any time?

The very idea that she/he has access shows some level of trust. She/he may never even have to check your so called private e-mail.

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@FBS, since u have nothing hidding from your wife n gave her your email password, y in mother of god sake must she check it without your knowledge? dat means she doesn't have trust in u den. if i have any hidden agenda, i'll never, i repeat NEVER give her my id password. or, i'll open another email id n giv her d password since i have som skeleton in ma wardrobe on d other id, buh being dat my consience was clear n i gave her my password as a sign of respect, den she has to respect me also by checking my mail when both of us r around n not secretely.

let me correct u on things dat u said, Quote from u: "your wife has access to your account and withdraws money? ehn, what is the big deal?"

listen brov, dia's a big deal. u respected her by giving d access to your account number, so she has to respect u by tellin u b4 she withdraws 1cent from it. what if she withdraws d whole money n ran away, living u behind with d kids? will u say b'cos she's your wife so no need to bother?  

Hear another quote from u: "why would she withdraw money without telling you?"

If she can withdraw money by telling me, den, y answerin my call without asking me 1st? and also, am i a fool for giving her my email password? mind u brov, it's not about secrecy, buh it's all about RESPECT!

*lyk i said b4, it depends on individual, n if u'r d type dat give's dia wife free access to everything, good 4 u!*

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@Ranoscky . . . I am also in support of you because it all boils down at the end of the day to this question. Why does she need access to my personal email address?

@FBS . . . No one is saying she can't know my email address or account number or even phone number because she might want to email you, text you or pay some kind of money into your account. Some families operate joint accounts but not all and have you ever asked yourself why some families do not have joint accounts?

We are not saying she cannot have access or what so ever but not for the simple reason of monitoring you. Its not about hiding anything but what is her reason of having access to your email? You still have not answered that question. Why does a wife need access to your personal email address?

you can answer if you have been given the permission and there should not be unnecessary interrogation after the phone call.

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Not a good enough example because there is a GULF of difference between the two boy.

And didn't you see my explanations about husband and wife? We are discussing in the context of the topic.

i.e between husband and wife. capish?

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i used dat as an xample boy, can't u see wia i talked about husband n wife?

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^^^Folks, you are getting it wrong. BF/GF aint what we talking about.

So your wife (note: NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND) knows your bank account number? so what? knowing a bank account number is the same as having access to your account. I know a lot of account numbers but can I withdraw money? shait NO!!!

Besides, haven't you heard of families operating joint accounts? That is why it is a family.

Ok, lets now assume, your wife has access to your account and withdraws money? ehn, what is the big deal? Need I say that it depends on the type of wife you have and what she is spending the money on? If all is well in the family, why would she withdraw money without telling you?

And when you say, private e-mail and it has nothing to do with work? What on earth are you hiding then? That is no privacy, that is SECRECY.

What is wrong in answering your wives/husbands phone calls?

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@pharoh, i agree with u! atleast.

me n ma x-GF dated each other for good 4ys, n i was d 1 dat bought her d 4on she's using, buh can u believe dat i never for 1's answered anycall dat came in while she wasn't around? y? b'cos, i need to pay her som respect b'cos it's her private 4on. be it relatioship or marraige, d fact is, private is private, and respect is respect! buying ur wife everything doesn't mean u have EVERY access to her lyfe, na lie o, she needs som private n respect, so to men also! dia's 1 igbo word dat say's, "oburo ife ni ne ka nwoke na gwa nwunye ya." (it's not everything dat husband tells his wife!) so, if u ask me, i'll say it boils down on individual. even if i'm married, i won't answer my wife's call, y? b'cos it's her private 4on not mine, so i need to pay her som respect with dat, unless she ask me to! in terms of email id, my wife can be aware of my email password buh, i can only get angry wiv her if she opens my email id without my knowledge. YES! i'll be angry, u know y? if u ask her y she opened it what wil she say? (maybe her response wil be, i just feel.) feel lyk what? is she tryna monitor me or what? when she know's i'm not playing around, chasing other gurls then, y open my email id secretely? if i'm hidding anything from her, i won't tel her my password, buh since i told her my password and she knows d id is my private id n not for both of us den y check on it wen i'm not around? Dat means she's not payin me back d trust i had on her by tellin her my password. it's just lyk telling ur wife your bank account n she went to d bank n withdraw som money without tellin u!

D fact stil remains dat, both partner should be open to each other, buh i'll say it's better to ask b4 u answer his/her call, read his/her text message or check his/her mail box. i think daz a sign of respect!

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Seems the whole privacy thing has been reduced to phones, e-mails,et al. But its more than that. Personally, a lil bit of privacy and not secrecy is needed. Sometyms, u just may not be ready to let someone in on sth, or u prolly tryin 2 protect d person cos of his/her reaction to such. The only thing we all are scared of in any rel. is to discover that the other person's cheatin. Well, once that issue is sorted out, no need 4 checking fones,e.t.c. I personally dislike any1 trying to monitor me or my moves or sth. I've had enough of that from my father and siblings.

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"Personal" to me is any email i have been using from my teenage years up to the present moment and it is not related in anyway to my work email.

It is wrong depending on the reason why she wants access to my personal email, is it for monitoring me or what? She can always have her own personal email if she likes. That's my reason for asking, what does she want to do with my email by having access to it? it's a very simple question.

Or is anything wrong if we both share one email address since privacy should not be an issue in our relationship and forget all these hassles about knowing each others password.

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And when you say "personal", what do you mean? I assume it's not work related so what is it?

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Seems you are confusing privacy with secrecy or does a wife have any valid reason for knowing the password to your personal email?

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You are still off point.

What makes you think some of the folks here posting are not married? Certainly they too have ways of dealing with this, yes?

boyfriend/girlfriend thing can be controlled as pe at least you have a valid excuse not to "share" or "divulge" everything.

But in a marriage, what is wrong in you sharing your business views with your wife? What is wrong in you sharing your "privacy" with your wife?

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nah i wasnt off point, i only gave the example of the boyfriend/galfriend to butress my point that u pple take this thing too far even at that early stage.

my point is, there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. secrets are bad, privacy essential.

funny thing is, just look at any old couple maybe like ur pop, and ask him mano il mano (warn him not to give u bull) if his wife was so much in his brain, pocket etc to that level, am sure he will educate you.

as for the difference between privacy and secrecy, experience will teach all u properly. besides in interacting with ur mother is there a line between privacy and secrecy? why is your mother not totally tuned into ur matter? at least am assuming u such a good child and dont keep secrets from her in ur mature age so whats the line between what she knows and doesnt know?

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This is a very interesting topic. There shouldn't be privacy between husband and wife. They are one.

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^^^^dont hide money from your partner, communicate with her and make her understand the value of saving rather than spending for spending sake.

if you hide money from her, she will have an extra excuse to spend it when she finds it!

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Where there is trust in any form of relationship, privacy isnt an issue. Thats why getting married to your friend is not negiatiable for a relationship to thrive.[i][/i]

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Little privacy is required. But it depends on the level openness you both have. For example not everybody can cope with some information. If you have a wife that thinks about how to spend money alone whenever she notice you just got paid etc you will like to hide little of that information fort he better of both of you and the kids. If you work involves meeting a lot of people plus meeting ladies, and your wife is a jealous type.

So I think this thing depends on individual situation. For me privacy is required , we have separate rooms. We rendezvous when we want in my room.

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COMPLETELY OFF TRACK.

lets recap what OP said: wifey went out, a msg came to her phone and he read it. simple as that!

nothing to do with spying or what not you went on about.

if the phone had rang, any person in a secure relationship would have picked up the call and tell whoever was on the line that their partner is not available right now and that they should call back later or leave a msg. it has nothing to do with spying on them, but rather doing something that you wold expect them to do if YOUR phone rang while you were away.

there IS something wrong if a spouse makes it a requirement that their phone should NEVER BE TOUCHED. this is not privacy, its paranoia.

btw whats wrong with your wifey taking business decisions?! she may not have started the biz but she sure aint dumb enough to make any suggestion/decision and vice versa (unless you married a dumb a$$) or do you actually think that only men build businesses in 9ja and that women dont have biz savvy?!

if wifey makes a smart business decision in regards to YOUR business then i suggest you follow it instead of automatically dismissing it. two smart heads are better than one.

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ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS!!!

The OP was not talking boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We talking husband and wife and well, if you don't know, there is a GULF of difference between the two.

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@topic. I don't suppose being morphs us into one and all that crap. Two people are distinctly different. You can revel in the things that you have in common and enjoy your individuality too. I digress. Privacy should not take a beating because you're married to someone. Talk! Do not go snooping around behind your partner's back. Ask him/her about stuff and treat hearsay as hearsay. Leave each other's phones alone. Nothing wrong in knowing each other's passwords but it should never be demanded. Etc.

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as usual, they have  come again with the usual bollocks, and am sure a cursory examination will reveal singles and unhappy spouses spouting the tripe

if u cannot understand the difference between privacy and secrecy then too bad, dont worry such stuff is best learnt practically.

the simple truth is that all of you simply have that need/urge to monitor your spouses in the name of openness!!

this is similar to the other thread where someone was asking if his girlfriend should know all his passwords, bank details etc. well i wonder what kinda "happy" marriage u gonna have when your spouse always wonders aloud why u give your mother and siblings or friends any kobo

to make it all simple you pple should just keep a single fone so anyone can call any of u on the same fone, or just bug ur fones so the other person can always listen in on your convos.

i remember a guy who used my pc to check his mail once and i was wondering what he was doing for 15 mins, till i saw he was checking his girlfriend's mail, his mails, his girlfriends siblings mail!!!!!! asked how he knew the password, miss girfriend provided them all!! it was so irritating,

if u feel a need or urge to know who your spouse is talking to or what they talking about, then sorry to say u have serious insecurity issues, makes u smile when u remember all those "trust" bollocks u hear pple spout

there is what is known as a private space, every individual has to have it else the relationship will suffer in the long run. its NOT THE SAME AS KEEPING SECRETS, BESIDES IF ARE YOU SAYING I CANNOT EXERCISE MY JUDGMENT TO DECIDE IF TO TELL MY SPOUSE SOMETHING OR TO REFRAIN?

two becomes one, yeah right, y\i guess your wife will be taking the decisions to run your businesses too shey, and decide ur investments too abi? lol. u will soon learn firsthand

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In my marriage, no room for such privacy. We know each other's passwords and would not hesitate to answer each other's phones but hardly do so. If I'm really bored though, I might scroll through his calls and texts. Only passwords we don't exchange is work passwords and that's a given anyway because neither has any business with the other's work email.

When it comes to issues like this, a lot depends on the nature of the relationship prior to marriage. Folks kinda build on what existed premarital when they do get married so you set the tone while still courting.

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Is the privacy thing only on the context of phone, text messages and mails, What about those withdrawals given to mama and younger brothers without telling hussy.

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If you guys are ok with your level of privacy, than it is ok. Everyone is different

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In marriage there should be some privacy and not secret

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dis type of privacy respect is rubish

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There is no need for privacy as such, but there is a need for trust.

Let me explain: While it is ok to have full access to your partner's phone, text messages, email, etc, it won't be appropriate to be continuously checking up on your partner, monitoring all their emails and communications. That will signify a lack of trust.

Free access should be encouraged, but that should not turn into an act of policing the other person.

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I believe a level of privacy is needed and this does not mean u av something to hide.

When a lady or man starts to make it obvious that she/he can at anytime check the spouse's

fone or other things, then it shows insecurity. If you are sure of your spouse, you do not need

to check.

My 2 kobo!

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No matter what privacy should still be respected provided your hands are clean and the other party is not trying to monitor you.

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the privacy and openness should be on the same level

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No privacy will take a higher percentage BUT there should be in some areas e.g. Answering calls (especially for business class) should be privatized BUT this will only be achieved if there is ABSOLUTE trust in the union.

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some level of privacy is required

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When u start having 'privacy' in marriage,you are courting trouble. Openess is the key

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@ Spyker, its cos ur not married dats why u r saying such.

When u get married, u wont even know when u start giving up those so called privacy stuff.

When u realise it n try to stop it, it will be like u have something to hide.

Just let it go, its not worth any aggravation.

Also, there should be absolute trust in a marriage.

Not like u will go out of ur way to spy on ur partner but that when such things come up like the example in the original post, u wont mind.

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I'm not married but if you ask me, a little privacy is required.

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Transparency is the best in Marriage.

I don't believe that their should be any secret at all.

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here is the result of the research I conducted:

if you dont pay any attention to your partner and whatever private details she got, someone else will.

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Here's is the result of the research i conducted

if u want PEACE in your marriage DO'NT pay too much attention to private details.

Else you will be the one KILLING urself by urself!

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