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Is There Something Wrong With Me?

There is a guy i dated for some time in the late nineties. We broke up on very good terms as we both understood why it needed to happen even though we were very much in love. There has been no contact over these years, now am married with a kid.

This guy called me a few days ago (got my number from a friend) just to say hi and i haven't been able to get him off my mind. That call simply sparked off a lot of things in me. We dated for about 1 year and there was no intimacy so i really don't know why am feeling this way.

My husband travels a lot and only comes home on weekends. Am thinking of discussing this with him, maybe he can help clear my head. Is this a good idea?  Any ideas on how to handle this?

i've never been unfaithful in my life and mere thinking of this guy this way makes me feel i am already,

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44 answers

back to thread.

@ Poster. Don't tell him. Honesty is not the best policy in this case.

anways, why are u fantasizing over sb u haven't seen in a decade? smtin must be lacking in ur marriage. Why do i get d feeling u'd go n start an illicit affair? Goodluck

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Who is messing around, i can't take an insult of that magnitude, no way, igi imu jina sori na, if na EGUN OR TAPA OR IGBIRA you Ekiti parapo wan compare yourself too i go know say you understand your level, but to try and put yourself on the same pedestal as Osun girls, can't happen in a million years, you wan fly before learning to walk, impossicant.

Oya come here FL Alagolo, i know you have been standing at attention behind me for the past 13 hours, i am in a generous mood tonight so take the rest of the night off and pass my handbag and gele to AYETTYMAMA and tell her to carry them and follow me to the bathroom, i need to top up my atike for WALESTAR'S impending visit, thanks for reminding me it is his night, i nearly double booked tumfulu instead tonight, lol.

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Fl Alagolo, una nefa commot? OK sorry i forgot i promised to give you $2 to buy gala.

Oya Ayettymama, bring my bag, put it on the table and go and get me water to drink, and next time i call you, say "yes ma" and don't look me in the eye, only Alagolo is allowed to meet my gaze cos she's been my loyal gbewudani for the past 17 years, lol.

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inno what ur problem is na

an ekiti girl has stolen ur bf she??

i apologise on her behalf

ur bf just wanted to go where the grass is greener

dont worry ur own is coming soon

pele

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What nonsense and radarada is this, you second rate Ekiti girls should thank your lucky stars my phone don't have a report to moderator button. What can fa? Trying to compare Ekiti to Osun, arifin and arrant nonsense of the highest order. Shior.

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loooooooooooool

hehehehehe

dont let us fight!!

there will be war

there will be bloodshed!

let trey stay here

i refuse to share!

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unno

get overly exited!!lol

there isnt enuff of us!

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Na wa! This your friends are jealous!

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well she stand to gain help/guidance/advice from the right source. . . . . . . . her partner!

why would you think that the hubby's spirit would be crushed if the wife told him that she "felt" awkward?!

we are talking real men here not insecure losers. . . . . . . .

my spirit would be uplifted if i knew that my wife would come to me for guidance/advice in such dilemma.

its not about working against each other but working together. what better way to do that than by telling your spouse about such matters?

having a "seemingly" great union is easy to do when everything is nice and sweet, the difficult part in marriage is the ability to turn to your spouse, work together and help each other when there is trouble.

any fool out there would know that people are only human, if wifey has feelings for another guy but come and talk to hubby about it then thats a step in the right direction.

its about being honest in your union. i am still wondering why it is such a big deal for people to understand that.

honesty/respect are very important and fundamental in marriages. . . . . . . not half/part of it but the whole thing.

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Folly, the temperature is nudging minus 5 and you dare step to me like this, you are sleeping in the garage tonight, not the one attached to your mansion oh, but that cold one without electricity or plumbing at the end of our 250ft drive, that will teach you to respect me your wife next time, lol.

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Busy_body

O ri e O fa ka Sibe.

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M.lady, sup, hope u've remembered to wrap up warm for the cold snap that is on its the way today, lol.

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^^^To those saying she should tell her husband, If this was not an issue Zimex felt could get out of hand, she should have found a way to tackle it rather bring it on NL.The fact that she did indicates she is not strong enough to withstand temptation, heck this ex hasn't even said anything, and she is already in such emotional quandry. Ya think the husband would not suss this out and start to feel inadequate?

So what does she stand to gain other than crushing hubby's spirit by saying " honey i feel you working away is depriving us of spending quality time together and my ex got in touch and i fear i'm about to stray"

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its about not telling your hubby about whats troubling you. if it wasnt such a big deal then she wouldnt have made this thread.

everything is worth saying to your spouse. . . . .  E V E R Y T H I N G. if people are not ready to live in transparency in their union then they shouldnt get married at the first place. is it not what you guys say on the altar: "FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE" right? not "for better but keep the worst hidden away as long as you can"

you women are hypocrites if you think that this is not something that the man you sleep with every night should know about. if i was the posters hubby, i would definitely want to know about this issue!

yes it may end up making you look suspicious(depending on what kind of caveman you are married to) but in the real world, your spouse wouldnt make a big deal about it but rather help you deal with it and give you his input telling you how he feels about this "problem" that concerns him as well.

your problems are his problems, your worries are his worries etc

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^^^

Don't count your chickens before they hatch, Its only a matter of time till the full moon shows up, and word on the horizon is that it is round the corner, lol.

Agabaibu the bone of my bone, my dearest lover, i saw the "thread you opened in Nairaland section extoling the virtues of Naija women" you do well, i no blame una wit ur nkita looking head, i blame the cold from the minus 20 degree weather for freezing your brain into hibernation, lol.

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Total agree!!!!!!!!!!!

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Exactly Uju, why make a mountain outta a molehill, why fix something that ain't broke?

Zimex

From your post, it is clear your ex was "the one that got away", if the strong reason you had to part way is still a "barrier", implore with your ex to quit contacting you out of respect, that you have moved on now and then delete his number from your phone, if the "barrier" is still there, thats a good thing, as that should act as a constant reminder that having anything to do with him is a no-no.

THE ONLY PROBLEM YOUR POST HAS HIGHLIGHTED SO FAR IS THAT YOUR husband works away from home and you only get to see him at the weekend, so their is no need telling him about your ex, because he will only translate it to "my wife is giving me an ultimatum that she will stray if i don't find another job that will not keep me away from home". Not a nice thing to offload on him.

So why not take the initiative instead and find ways to meet in the middle, tell him your concerns, that you are feeling isolated and neglected, that you need to keep the union fresh and alive, find time to visit each other, have some brainstorming session with him to find ways to work on the issue, discuss the possibilities of relocating to where he is based, make the most of skype, etc . . .

If you both can't create the spare time needed to see each other as much as you would like, try to endure and find some hobbies to indulge in to wile away your time, because i am sure this situation of working away from home is temporary.

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I say you will get over it, and no there is nothing wrong with you. Sometimes going down memory lane would do that to you.

Just don't do anything dumb since your husband travels a lot.

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^^^ She's not being dishonest if you ask me! Somethings are just not worth saying. She'll end up making a mountain out of a molehill! She really dosent need that in aher life. I say it's a phase, that will most definitely pass within a short time. I think shd just let it go. If he starts stalking and calling and all that, she can then tell him!

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man, why do you think that you should only be honest to your spouse when there is trouble in your union?!

married people should be honest from day one and thats what she should be doing: let her husband know whats happening.

dont be afraid to let the person you are sharing your life with know who you truly are. be confident about your damn self instead of trying to sneek things in this relationship that your partner will eventually know.

this is definitely NOT an important discussion because its no big deal. just a discussion between 2 adults to let hubby know whats going on with wifey.

also i would stand by any person out there when i say that i rather learn about this phone call from my wife than she trying to hide it and that i eventually finds it out.

building a relationship on sh-it, you will only get sh-it out of it.

PS: where did you read that the wifey is trying to leave her husband?! hold on to your horses bro!

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@MRbrownJAY

You are not being realistic, are u? If this man is not stalking her, her marriage is not in trouble water then suddenly, she called her husband for an important discusion, telling the poor man abt a call from an ex and her feelings after the call.

She is basically saying to her husband: i think i got feeling for my ex and i'm thinking of leaving u cos u are always away walking and u got no time for me.

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very simple, since they are ONE as a couple she should just sit down on a beautiful sunday afternoon and let it out as simply as she put it on this thread. she would have already told her husband about the phone call anyway since there were nothing about it.

here is how it should come out:

WIFEY: honey,remember that phone call i told you about? the strange thing is that i have had some weird feelings since that day. just thinking all day about that guy etc.

HUSBAND: what kind of feelings are we talking about here?!

W: dont really know, i cant put my mind into it but nothing sexual or anything like that just that i have been remembering him and what we had.

H: wasnt he your first long relationship? is this something that i should be worried about, honey?

W: come on sweetheart, i do love you unconditionally, i would never cheat or remotely think of cheating and you are my world but maybe the fact that you are away so often makes me feel lonely and i have all this free time to think about silly stuff like that. this phone call brought some kind of spark in me as i am alone doing absolutely nothing all day long.

H: are you saying that my being away is the problem? maybe you are just reminiscing about the fun you had during this period in your life and now you kinda miss it being home alone all day?

W: not at all but maybe we have to find something for me to do during the week. something to occupy my mind.

H: yeah probably, i will openly say that i am not really comfortable with you having contacts with this guy again but always remember that i trust you 150%. i appreciate your honesty and the fact that you turn to me about finding guidance/solution in this matter. . . . . . . . thats what trusting married couples do.

i am also open about us doing more together, maybe i should take more time off work to be with you during weekdays as well.

W: that will be great as i am bored out of my mind.

ET VOILA, problem solved in an adult manner. . . . . .  the wifey knows how the husband feels about it and the husband knows whats going on and trust his wife fully.

ps: its also safe to say that if the poster is still in love with that guy then its a different ball game completely!

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@ MRbrownJAY

Can u explain to me how this woman will start this conversation with the husband?

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people people people!!!!!!

you are all missing the important point here. . . . . . . . . . whats the point of being married to someone you love and cherish, living in bliss with someone if you cant even tell them who you truly are and being open like that.

this person should know you better than yourself but how can they if they are living with a "stranger"?!

this is why so many marriages fail, when partners are not 150% open with each other and cant even show their real self. how do you expect someone to treat you right if you never show them the REAL you?! its beyond me.

many people out there marry for the wrong reasons but if a person marry for the right reasons then there is absolutely NOTHING that that person couldnt tell their spouse.

these are the foundations of long lasting great marriages. . . . . . . . . . to know and accept your spouse IN and OUT.

you can pretend to be someone you are not for a while but you cant pretend forever.

BE YOURSELF, if someone decides that they dont want to be with the real you then accept it and move on to better pastures instead of living a lie that is bound to fail in the near future.

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Let go of the past or else it might come back to hunt you, let him go, since you're married, I know it's hard but you're got to let him go .

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I agree with the people telling her not to say anything to her hubby. As far as I'm concerned, it's not an issue. I think you are making a big deal out of the whole thing. So you still have fond feelings about the guy . . You mind is magnifying it into something that it's not. I bet if you see him again you'll remember why you broke up with him in the first place!

I'm sure your family means the world to you so I'll suggest, for their sake, you delete that guy from your memory.

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@poster Its your imagination at work. Our mind has a way of playing tricks u know;but that's why God gave us our brain to think,so that we can make the right decisions. If u don't want to be selfish with your final decision,then you know what to do. Be happy!

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Pray for God's Grace to overcome temptation over your body and boldness to be able to talk to the guy not to call u again. Don't bother to tell your husband he might not understand.

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i sincerely hope not all men think this way!

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@ Poster . . . . . aint nothin wrong with ya, just that your hubby is away a lot and you want to fill the void. The other guy aint the solution you need, perish the thought right NOW!

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feelings always awaken when ur ex calls

just cos ur wonderin what woulve been coulda been a shoulda been

but its normal and harmless

dont think too much into it, certainly dont discuss it with your husband

if its really bad just tell the guy not to call again

get on with life lady!

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there are ways sir,

all it takes is maturity.

the problem with we guys is the fact that we choose to live in denial.

most of us at our work places, have one person or the other we might be attracted to or something,

but based on the fact that we have commitements, or are married, we stay away.

does that also say the women dont have the same feelings?

being attraced to someone or an else should not be considered a sin, but rather can be talked about.

and if you did read my post, it meant she should tell him if its absolutely necessary.

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Please can u tell me how she will start this discusion with the husband? I really want to know

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though am not married but i will soon be married and hence I think i can give an advice

u can tell ur husband that the guy is calling u but u dont need to tell him u are having some feelings for the guy

Also, u av to remember that there was a reason u guys had to break up, if u broke up with him and got married afterwards, i do not see any reason why u shud even be aving feelings for him, u never had a serious affair with him before,

my advice

tell ur husband, pray about it, be frank enough to tell the guy not to call u again or bar his call, think about ur marriage, ur husband, ur kid and above all what God says about marriage, the guy is not worth the stress of loosing ur marriage, avoid seeing him as much as you can

love yah

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what happens if this feeling gest to strong for her to control.

is it not better to get it out in the opne and have a solution knowing u did not cheat!

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Never tell your husband, it will give him negative thoughts and make him feel that you don't love him. With time, you will forget this feeling and move on.

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well sometimes old memories have a way of making us feel vulnerable.

that said, there would be no harm done, unless u act on this feeling.

this leaves the ball in your court.

you could dicuss this with your husband, but i dont see it as a good idea!

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I agree with you 100% and she does sound like a very honest and good person,

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@ Poster, I appreciate your sincerity so much but I think there's nothing to it.

You know ur husband beta than anyone of us so I would assume that you know his views on issues like that. I do not think there's any need to tell ur husband coz he might start thinking u were even toying with the idea of being unfaithfull.

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Don't tell ur husband, that will send wrong message to him, u will get over the feeling with time. Ur marriage is more important now.

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@poster

there is absolutely nothing wrong with you but its the feeling that this call brought to you that may be a lil strange.

if you married your "husband out of love and him being the right ONE" then you have nothing to worry about.

it must just be a "what if?" kinda thing.

just be honest and communicate with your husband about what is happening and let you guys deal with it as married adults do. trying to sweep it under the rug while its clearly a concern to you is not the way to go about it.

remember honesty in a marriage goes a LONG way!

any open minded man would rather that their spouse come to them for guidance in these kind of matter than trying to sneak it along, like it aint there.

also remember that cheating (as Doggyall failed to state) is much more than just sleeping with someone in your husband's back.

put boundaries in this "fantasy" thingy. . . . . . if you fantasize about these loving feelings or having sexual relationship with that other guy then you need to look at yourself and fix whatever is lacking.

there is nothing wrong with looking at a guy on the street and thinking he is cute or sexy but there is something wrong if you start to think/fantasize about another man while being rammed by your husband.

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No, untill you sleep with the guy. Enjoy!

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U kidding me? 99.9% of men will think like that, even if he doesn't see it that way, his mates will read meaning into it.

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