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My Bf's Mum's Terminally Ill: How Do I Console Him?

My boyfriend's mum has cancer; and she's in her final stage.He just told me yesterday, All the while ,I thought it was something milder,but he never went into details with me till yesterday.I noticed before now that he seemed distracted and all, but I just though it was work and school pressure. Now I dont know how to console him cos he doesnt like to be pitied. Reason he dint tell me all this while.He's not been eating and sleeping well and I really really want to reach out to him;I just dont know how best I can without making him feel sober.

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cheer him up try to visit the mother from time to time;one has cancer does not mean one is dying soon,organise a prayer session for her if possible encourage your boyfriend to organise a prayer for her and you shall see a lot of changes.my own mum had cervical cancer and in my case never had a girlfriend so no opposite sex to stay by me and i am her only child what i first did was to post to all my facebook friends to pray for her which i let her knew and all who i meet i let them know seeking solutions i researched and came across the power of the mind in treating all diseases and after she has undergone all the radiation;chemotheraphy injections etc it came to a point that the doctors wanted to use radiation on her spine which could have caused paralysis but she refused being a medical person herself she believed it was just a back problem she had and not that the cancer as spread there as doctors predicted and when another test was done on her there was no cancer spread on her back and she is much better just battling with side effects of the treatment like swollen leg and swollen neck which god willing will go with time.so let him learn from my story never give up and resign to fate and never take all what the doctors say as final.let god decide that.keep me posted.god is indeed great.these situation has helped me a lot to know those who trully love and care for me and because of these cancer she moved from a danger zone in the north were she was working and down to south west where there is peace,god can use a disease to save you from death which could have gotten you untimely if not for the condition god put on your health.

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In that case, dapachez, I will not offer you pity. I SHALL, however, offer compassion and empathy, for I, too, have walked in your shoes. My thoughts are with you and yours, sir.

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@ poster i understand absolutely what your boyfriend is going through. We are in the same shoes,my mum has cancer also and the most harrowing day of my life was april 2nd 2010 when i broke the news to her(i dont wish this for anybody not even my enemies).when my mum goes through crisis i just cant help but weep. My gf knws i hate pity n all she does is send me text and prays with me. Please dont be overbearing and watch when you call so you dont meet him in a foul mood cos when we are helpless we could get irritated and act rash.GOD BLESS ALL MOTHERS AND I PRAY NONE OF YOU EXPERIENCE THIS AMEN

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This thread has received no posts in quite a while. I wonder how the fellow is doing. Indeed, it is very difficult to deal with the serious illness of a close family member.

Are there any words of comfort that we might offer?

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hi dear, i don't really understand how you mean by "console". is it dt u want to console him dt she'll die or what? Are you a christian? if u are, put Jesus in your shoes. Would he console ur bf or join faiths to do what he loves doing best[miarcles]? act fast, a littie faith can heal the world let alone a woman with cancer. i'm sorry if i sounded too spiritual, i just have to.

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U just need to be very close to him

u are not expected to talk much

just always be there to cheer him up.

do what he thinks he will like!

U can create time to go visit the mum

in the hospital with some gifts.

Ok?

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Hello dear, just want to pass this little advice to u.

Since ur boyfriend dosn't liked to be pitied, just creatify a way to stop him frm thinking about d worries of his mother. To follow this up, always cheer him up & show him dat best part of a woman u know a guy cannot reject.

Finally put everything in prayer.

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Poster, the situation is pathetic but its not above God, that is one aspect. Secondly, take the woman has if she is your own mother and do exactly to her what you would have done to your mother if you were in the shoes of your boyfriend.Be natural about it and don't do eye service pls. Whatever you do sld not be done becos u want ur boyfriend to notice what u do but a selfless care towards the woman. Who knows, miracle can as well happen and whatever you do is what would be mentioned.

All is well

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One thing that hasn't been brought up is that it is important to provide as much a sense of normalcy as is possible.  That way, the young man will be able to see his mother's illness and impending death as part of the whole scheme of things.  Now, of course, this does not mean to be discompassionate.  Far from it.  Rather, it allows those who are still living to keep on living.  True, such lives will be different, but they will happen, nonetheless.  And such lives can, indeed, be rich ones. 

While giving this man his space, it should be noted that he'll need to have things done for him in his day-to-day living.  Help out with those things so he can spend more quality time with his mother. 

The grief process can be exhausting, physically and emotionally.  Make sure this fellow gets the rest he needs.  He'll try to play "Superman", but unless he has a big, red "S" on his chest, he's just as human as the rest of us.

And, I agree--bhumeeus should meet the mother.  She'll want the reassurance that her son has people who are very special to him in his life. 

bhumeeus, you are a very special person.  By making this thread, you're showing that you're a compassionate, caring, concerned individual.   That will mean a great deal to your boyfriend and his mother. And, believe it or not, it will mean much to those who you encounter in the future, too.

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The is the right time to show him how much you love him instead of talking about your cosmetics, hairdo and recharge cards

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well, i just feel you should use your discretion.

you should know when to talk and when to keep quiet, cause you can read his feeelings

show the brother some love in all aspect.

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i agree with Rekky,dont just over things,less,he gets irritated and lives you for sumtin soothing.Ya all know what im talking about.all the best.

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There is no need to pity him. There is no need to pity his mother, because that will kill her easily. So what is it then?

Two things:

1. Get Pastor Chris' ATMOSPHERE for MIRALCES dvds and play it for here morning noon and night. Let her get into that ATMOSPHERE. ANYTHING can happen! And I mean just anything!

2. You can go to Christ Embassy HQ, and find out how Pastor Chris can minister to her. I believe she does not have to die, cancer or no cancer. There is a solution for her.

Do not throw pity parties. It is time to act and be wise. Like I said she does not have to die when she has a chance to live.

God bless you.

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my dear if u really love ur boy friend tell him to take his mama to visit prophet T.B Josiah church in lag, God his waiting to meet her there

u can also log at www.synagoguechurch.com.

wishing all the best

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@topic

it is a very trying and tasking time for you. I believe you have gotten some useful advices from people that cares and feel for you. I lost my cousin sister last three days (tuesday 3rd march) to the killer sickness at Ibadan hospital. All you need to do to sustain your B/F is PRAYERS and AVALABILITY of yourself. Also try to calm him down whenever he is getting hot and pray for the dying mother. All is well, don't panic, God is in control.

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@ poster

My Sister it is well, just be urself and don't over do anything at all. Most people here have said it all. I'll like to add that above all u need to be very prayerful dat is always pray for him and his mum. God still does wonders u no, there is nothing beyond Him. Wat will be will be. keep us poster so we can no how thing are going.

HE cares.

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It shows how much you care.

Now make out time to see him as often as you could.

get him things he likes, and always show him the love

also don't forget to give him (sha**g) when eer u realised he is not happy to brush off the bad memories.

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@ Poster

3 things are good here

1. dt u understand his situation

2. dt u know he hate to be pity

3. dt u wont to be there for him

Hw i wish ur boyfriend could ve access to this site n read tru dis thread so dt he can be aware of ur sincere love to make this work in ur relationship n hw glad u would be to see him happy n in good mode again.

U dont do wat he hates lik piting him, show him ur care n also show care to his mother as much as possible lik pay her a visit alone (if possible) n do things dt u know ur guy love most i mean dt turns him on. Don't forget, u can only try to help him gain his happiness so if u tried all n nothing work don't be disappointed just give him a space (time) to recover.

Don't 4get, Cancer has no cure yet.

good luck.

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Thanx everybody, You've all been really kind

I think he's accepted the situation as it is, cos its been a while they've been at this.Actually,my boyfriend is a good blocker, When you see him in real time, he's so normal.Before I knew, I never suspected he was going through stuff like this,I just thought he was under work and school stress.Meaning sometimes we go have fun and stuff,only when we're alone maybe at home or something, he switches off- Just keeps quiet,or goes outside for a while.Now that I know,what do I do when he switches off? Leave him alone to dwell in his thoughts or what??I havent been in this kind of situation (a close friend loosing a loved one) and seriously, I dont know how bes to handle it.Especially when its a man in question.

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Just be there for him. No need for pity, its going to be a hard time but he will find his way himself. All you can do is keep loving him.

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Forget all these long 'tory,

Screw him more.

No long t'ing

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@anti-christ, we are used to ur kinda words. Words from hades!

Alusi!

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when a guy is sad and emotional, most times he need his space

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Please don't go and be doing belly dances when someone is mourning his mother's fate. Focus on him should be the point. Sex should not even be a big issue but if he wants it no big deal. Don't start lighting candles and trying to be romantic when he is dealing with such a devastating thing. Focus on hm and let him no that you are available if he needs a shoulder to cry on

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Give the bloke a good shag whenver his thinking about it.

Make it a bit romantic though, play his favourite song, give him a belly dance when you can.

Look its an age old saying:

"Men soon forget the loss of a father than the loss of a patrimony"

No be me talk am

Men would forget anything in the world immediately they get a turn on.

Its only women that find it hard to come out of their emotional feelings.

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See, girl, take away that thought of offering sex to a grieving guy like someone suggested you should do. It'll shoo him off faster than anything else. I lost my daddo late last year and very nearly lost my beau because I felt she didn't handle me well enough. Sex could be grating when someone is grieving.

1,Do not pity him. Nothing can be more depressing

2,Don't be moody because he is. And don't depend on him for ur "high".He'll look unto you for upliftment and it won't be good if ur down urself

3, Never initiate sex at all. If he feels up to it, fine. But don't initiate it. It trivialises the situ he's in and he'll resent the lack of respect for the mum that ur urge depicts

The rest are standard, lots of warmth and affection and, why not, prayers!

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Don't pity him then. Being sympathetic does not mean you pity him. You just have to be a rock for him. Watching his mother die is not going to be easy and he will need to know that he has someone that can be his strength

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well.despite the fact that, he did not tell you all this while, it is your right to go and see the woman,for she is it the mother of your boyfriend. try to go and see her.

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Your boyfriend needs you to be calm. Take all his outbursts, don't fight with him, be there when he needs you, call to ask if he's okay anytime he sounds a bit off. Don't pity him too much.

He still wants to be treated like a man, not a baby.

He will have to go through the five stages of grief so try and identify them.

1. Denial and isolation ( I don't think he's in denial but you have to understand that he'll need to be left alone sometimes)

2. Anger (when this one comes, just take it - he'll get angry and say stuff he does not mean but take it and just don't give him a hard time about it)

3. Bargaining (this is when he'll be hoping to give up stuff just to have his mum live. You probably won't know about this anyway but if you do, just be there for him)

4. Depression (now this is when you have to be in his face consoling him. He will need you more than ever at this stage)

5. Acceptance (as for this one, you need to stop reminding him about this because you will just be over-doing it. Learn to know when to leave it alone)

I hope this helps. . . It's a tough thing to have a loved one go through these stages. I know.

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I'm very sorry to learn of your boyfriend's situation.

And, this is also, I'm sure, a very painfully difficult time for you, as well. Your boyfriend is in a very delicate position right now. He knows that he's about to lose somebody about whom he cares and who cares about him. Let him go through his grieving process, but be there for him as well. Don't smother him, but allow him space. He might "lash out" at you or others around him. That's fine. He might withdraw, which is also OK as long as he knows that he has somebody to be there for him. Also, please don't rush him. It often takes at least a full year to grieve a loss of this magnitude, so be prepared to give him time to deal with his feelings.

Clearly, this challenging time will also test you as well. Brace yourself for what could be a very difficult circumstance.

Please remember this: He'll never get over losing his mother, but he will get used to it as time passes.

May I ask that you keep us posted? That way, we might be able to offer words of support during this rough time. Is your boyfriend on nairaland.com?

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maybe u'll take care of the casket

that should take some financial pressure off the mounting pressures

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best way is to show that you are there for him and give him space when needed. Also, be careful what you say if his grieving seems like it's forever.

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dont act as if u pity him, dont look at him with pity in ur eyes. just be there for him cook for him as much as you can take out one day but plenty food and just cook all hes favourite dishes.

be loving and caring even if hes irritable be understanding.

send texts, call offer to pray with him when hes feeling very very down.

ask abt hes mom sumtimes but not too mich it will be as if ure forcing yourself to do it.

at times like this people forget religion they are angry with God help him to understand that God is all hes got.

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Hmmm, ok.Thanks for the advise

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always pray for him and show you care in anyway you can

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@Tranngirls, you made real sense in ur thread. Thot u'll teach her how to suck and suck her boyfriend's manliness, til he forgets his mamma!

Anyways,

@Poster, jus show him de love dat he truly deserves. You can do it without our lectures!

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honestly, if he doesnt like to be pitied then do not pity him or try to give consolation when he isnt asking 4 it. his mum is dying and there is nothing he can do, dats d reason why he is moody,regardless of ur efforts the facts still remains d woman is going 2 die.

so maintain d relationship d way it is, ask of her whenever u guys talk. make out time to go see her wit him or on ur own (if thats possible).

make alot of sexual advances towards him, give him that gift man can never refuse (BJ), dont think im vulgar, truth is all of that would distract him cos honestly thats what he needs. Distraction!

my very humble contribution

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Send him a text and let him know you'll be there to support him in anyway u can

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Thank you guys, problem is that we see just about 2ce or 3ce a week,cos of work, but we talk all the time on the fone.I try to call him,but i dont want to overdo it, and still i dont thinkam reaching out enuf.

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This is a trying moment for your boyfriend, and it offers the opportunity for you to show him that you truly care.Always cheer him up. Make sure you avoid anything that may try to irritate or offend him. Initiate discussions that will take his mind off too much thinking. With that, you'll greatly help him get over the worries about his mother's ill-health.

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Just offer yourself to him, dont talk too much just be there cheer him up by doing the things he likes ( this is the time to use your womanly ways to cheer him up ok). And talk to him what he wants to do k in a soft way.

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