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Seriously, How Do I Solve This Problem?

My friends boyfriend call me on monday complaining about his girl dat he dont seem to understand his girl (My friend anymore), So as her closest friend and confidant he called me, becos he is planning on marrying her this December, infact, He had asked her to marry him and she refuse giving him any replies.

Yesterday, I confronted my friend about the issue i mean the guy is a nice guy and they dont seem to have any problems, the guy works in one of the major telecomms providers in our country and she works in a good bank. It took a long time getting an answer from her but when she repied, she said she dont seem to feel any love for him.

Let me give you a brief run down on their relationship, They met when she was in her finals in the university and he was doing his NYSC then and have been dating (Or so i thought) for four years now. I mean through when they had nothing to their present positions in life.

I asked her she could say a thing like this and how long she has falling out of love with him, She told me she gave marrying him a serious thought some few days before he "pop the big question" and she realised she had not love him all the while and that it had been a one sided affection (that's from the guy) all the way that she had not really weighted the consiquencies of her actions till now that she must have been carried way by the guys kind nature but she cant just fall in love with him and she feels it would mean doing him more wrong to marry him when the feeling is not there.

My dillema is that the guy has come to be a friend (Being my friends Boyfriend and all) and he is already down with my friends behaviour, i am afriad that telling him all this will only make matters worse. And on the other hand, maybe my friend dont understand what it means to fall in love and is confuse thinking one prince charming will come sweep her off her feet and rode her to a happily ever after.

I dont want to she the guy hurt and a dont want to see my friend cry a HAD I KNOWN, because they a good friends to me and my man and it is giving me serious concern. My Man said to ask the girl to tell her guy that though he will be hurt now, time will heal his wounds and he will be greatful later that she was truthful to him today. But i strongly believe that somehing is wrong cause if you see the two of them together all that will come to your mind is wedding bells.

Am suppose to see her this weekend and have a one on one talk with her over this issue (we have been talking ouver the phone), and am to have a talk with her man too this weekend. So Ladies and guys, brother and sisters, This is really serious i need your contribution to help me know how best to handle the matter at hand and save what i believe to be a very beautiful relationship and perfect couple. Let be candid, practical and factual please respond even if am off line i will get your message, Okay?

Thanx

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18 answers

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmn, simple advice u no wan listen. evry body is giving the best advice that can be very useful to u and ur friend or u want ur frnd to get herslf into false marriage so that she could always crie at you in her matrimonial home evry minute of her life.

the time will come that you will ignore her and leave her to her problem, when even your own husband will say he didnt want to see her in your house again that she is disturbing you. beside the best way to help ur frnd is to do whatever she do even if u've tried ur best in convincing her and she refuse to listen to you.

Afterall she was the one that introduce the guy to you, what if there is an intimate problem btw both which she can not disclose to any living soul.

God knows you tried ur best. leave the both to their fate and let them face their problems themselves. A WORD IS ENOUGH FOR THE WISE.

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Is quiet painful on my own part for the poor guy for not getting the message cos i believe the lady might have been telling him either directly or indirectly,for ur friend she has her own right to her feeling and is unfair keeping the guy waiting for that long,meaning she love her not the first time the relationship started and finally my advice for you is stay out and say less because is very bad to convince one to love a third party and worse loving out of pity cos the end is always in a mess.Note that your advice to her 2day goes along way in all her relationship with other guys that comes across her,so dont offer what looks likes persuading but advise with question and she will be giving the answers.

Take care and act wisely.

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@poster,

when you talk to your friend, let her know that real men are hard to find. The man you meet yesterday wearing the garment of perfection may well be hidding his short comings from the world. You can not know a man through his smiles.

After she gave you her reasons, tell her to arrange a meeting with the guy and tell the guy the truth. They have been friends for four years, it is tough, but she must open up. Since her silence would give the guy false hope and complicate his problem.

He would cry and beg. That is normal in heart breaks. My heart bled for the guy though. I can feel his pain. He is a man, let him take it.

The guy would naturally call you to beg her. Tell him, you have tried your best and you wouldn't want to be at the cross-road.

Thereafter, stay away from their wailing party. If in future your friend regretted her action, you can always console her and remind her of her error. And if she was right to quit, you would still be there to smile with her.

At 27, I believe she still have enough time to romance another man. I wishes her goodluck. And you too.

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al the posters have written good stuff?, nothing hurts like unrequitted love!!!, but the guy shud have had an inkling of whats about 2 happen, a relationship cant be one sided n go on 4 4yrs!!! without the fella knowing/sensing it!!, unless he refuses to notice the vital signs,

1. the lady shud find a way of letting the guy know that wedding bells are definetly not gonna ring 4 them anytime soon, either by telling the guy point blank that she aint ready 4 it yet,, or that she needs more time to pray about it, [op she is the praying type], its best she doesnt get married to the guy, cos if she doesnt like/love him now, then its probably going 2 get worse when they become man n wife, [sleeping/eating/bathing 2gether with someone u dont really like is sure gonna get repulsive after some time

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I still don’t understand how this story concerns you;

If she (your friend) said she doesn’t love the guy, then you are in no position to make her or to persuade her to change her mind. She has her reasons; and also, she would be the only one who would bear the pain if she eventually marries him and they encounter problems in future.

You won’t be there; so if she says she doesn’t love him, take it from her no matter how crazy it might seem to you, she knows why she made that statement.

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Also tell her that if she will not marry him there is no need wasting his time and resources. She should break free from him now so he can start nursing his wound i believe by two-three months he will be strongs again to look for his real wife. I do not blame her that much b'because marriage is a life time thing. If she doesnt love him just like she claimed please don't force her into accepting his proposal because if anything goes wrong after the marriage she might blame you for that.

Lastly just like you were told already, let HER break the news to him herself don't do that.

Best of luck.

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Also tell her that if she will marry him there is no need wasting his time and resources. She should break free from him now so he can start nursing his wound i believe by two-three months he will be strongs again to look for his real wife. I do not blame her that much b'cos marriage is a life time thing. If she doesnt love him just lyk she claimed please dont force her into accepting his proposal because if anything goes wrong after the marriage she might blame you for that.

Lastly just like you were told already, let HER break the news to him herself dont do that.

Best of luck.

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Hey tanx @D-reloaded and @olanajim

You guys really made sense, i tink i ll do as you have said jus place the matter as it is in public view before her and let her know she has to follow her conscience but she has to decide in time. Also, she needs to tell him herself no pretences. That it is her life but she doesnt have to live it at the expense of anyone else though i love her as a friend and sister all i can do is tell her while understanding with her. So she should know am there for her if she needs to talk.

Thanx all i think this will sell, i promise to keep you posted

TK, ciao

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Just because someone is "not getting any younger" doesnt mean they should be in an one sided relationship. We're not in Afghanistan or India, stop making it seem like it's by force

chucub, take olanjim's advice. I mean if after 4 years she actually thinks that way then I guess she really doesnt. I mean usually in the beginning of a relationship, we have our reservations but if they are there after that long then there really isnt any point in it getting to the marriage level. I'm sure she's been avoiding the talk so as not to hurt his feelings, I know what she's going through, the whole "instead of hurting his feelings, let me act like im happy with this situation", she has to realize that it's a terrible way to live, believe me I know as i went thru it a few years back and i don't intend on putting myself in that kind of situation again, neither should she so she's going to have to do tell him, it and it should definitely be sooner than later.

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It is hard to convince someone to love another. It is tough to expect her to marry him if she had no feeling for him. But, looking at this case, they have been in it for four years, I can tell you two things:

1. Your friend had found another man and she is hoping,if the man has not proposed to her, that he would sooner do.

2. Your friend had a new idea what it means to Love.It may be a delusion, and it may not.

On these two,she is unlikely to confide in you due to you closeness to the guy.

That said, while I agree with Aisha that you should stay out of it;the truth is that you can't extricate yourself now.You must exercise great caution in dealing with the issue.My most important advice to you is that YOU MUST NEVER BE A CARRIER OF BAD NEWS. Whatever your sentiment,find an excuse why you can't carry the news.Let her tell the guy herself. And,one more word, don't be in attendance during the period.

So, how do you handle the mess?

Very simple. Tell the guy to give you time extention. That way, you would have enough time to strategize. Also it would allow you to know more.

Next, have a heart to heart talk with your friend this weekend. Don't talk to her with the intetion of admonishing her. It is useless. I once had a similar issue with a lady everyone had though I would marry. I told my friends that I have my reasons. But their attempt at crucifying me of how good the lady was actually made me hate the lady! I started seeing the lady as desperate. I simply nailed the coffin on the affair. Not even my mum could change my mind!

The lesson? Always listen to the other sides before mediating in a cracking relationship. Your friend may have a good reason for turning the guy down. Like my case, my primary reason was that very sound. I don't need to know a lady for years before I know her stuff. By the way we all define "kind" differently.

Talk to her and hear her out without advising her. Let her pour out her heart and tell her you would give your opinion later.

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Tanx for your concern but

@Gbemyte; She is going to be 27 this year (A year older than me)

and even she knows she is not getting younger. And am not thinking of telling the Guy myself i mean thats her responsiblitity so she should bear her cross, but am worried that she is getting cold feet over the proposal or just dont know.

I just need you guy to tell me how am going to be talking to her i mean which way to express the gtavity of whats on ground to her if she doesnt already know and her parents expectation and how wrong it was to have lead the guy on for four (4) good years i mean that is mean (cruel). I want to talk to her without getting angry, cause she is down to earth kind of person and she is acting weird right now

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pls stay from them i mean dont come in btw them,u can advice but dont help her by telling her guy,she shud tell him herself.she shud tell the guy b4 it is too late.how old is she did she ve somebody else in her life? she shud knw that she is not getting younger

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we have friends, I have friends and I have a friend  I love to death but Sister when it comes to issues like this, i have to give my friend room to be her own person. If she doesnt want to be with her boyfriend anymore then she should be the one to tell him not you. I love my girl tire but I cant dump hr boyfriend for her, next thing she will be asking me to help her F, k him.

we are just worried about you and we hope this ont explode in your face Thats all

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@ Topic,

First of all, I think you should make her know that the guy is really in-love with her and would love to make her his wife.

Secondly, if she still doesn’t feel the guy or say she has lost all love for him….then, u can’t force love. You have done your part and just wish both of them well. Also and let them part now so the guy can start looking elsewhere for his wifey and stop spending on someone that loves him not.

Then again, u asked for an advice and I’ll say listen to wat aisha, omo ibo, and almomdjoy has said. Do not make entirely ur business. I mean carry other pple’s wahala while dragging urs on the floor.

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@ omo ibo, @ aisha2 and @almomdjoy

Dont you people have friends, geninue ones that are there for you when the going was tough, well this girl is one of them for me, i mean she housed me when we were in school and when my folks were down cash wise and couldnt suppor me at a time and this is one guy who we have accept as a member of the family moreover i have my own man who i happen to love and Her guy (my friends guy) happens to have helped out when we had our own problems, so there is no issue of me stealing him.

Goshhhhh!!! you all really need to treat your friends better sometimes, even if it means sticking out ypur neck to a certain level for them. I want to be able to help now cause she would do the same for me, that's all.

Well can someone nice tell me what to say to her cause i think the problem likes with her and all she needs is someone to trust who will give a sincere listening ear and willing to help. BUT FIRST I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO CONVINCE HER THAT AM THAT PERSON.

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grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, why do u feel the urge/need to talk to ur friend and her man?

u can spend sometime making ur own relationship better that what it is at the moment. o girl, mind ur own bizniss

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If she feels that ay, she should tell him herself never get in between them , tomorrow now she ill deny and accuse you of trying to snatch her boyfriend. No just bring that cry come Nairaland. Seriously, its ok to be there for your friends oh but let her make her own decisions and take responsibility for them. Do not get between them oh, if she ants to break up she is a big girl and can do it herself.

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