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Shall I Marry This Man? (Inter-Racial)

I have to make a decision and my heart says

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take care on whatever decision you make.

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Bridget,

You are in my prayers and I hope that find peace in whatever decison you make.

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@lucabrasi u sef dey happi, abi?

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Dear Sister, i Believe you have been able to hear from good Nigerians who are home or Abroad, i think i will stick to the fact that you have to try and know what the young man is really up to, Is he trying to use you and get a stay over there or he is trying to get some opportunities he is not having right now without your marriage such as working and more of that, also you said he works PT is that not helping him at all.

Also i will like to know how long this young man have been in U.K.

When you met him did he act same way as he does right now,

Why not try and find out those sins he is telling you and see if they are things you can atleast consider him for.

Do you think there will be any future in your relationship with him.

Sista woman has let you known that its not all Nigerian guys are bad, and also some do come from good home and as well act like a good person who understand what it takes to be abroad in the midst of foreigners.

Also i want to ask the m'am who is saying a man was really lectured or brought up well in Italy a question, and my question is,

Do all your kids act in same way, and also do you ever consider anyone different from each other at all, pardon me if i sound harsh but i think you are perfectly and absolutely wrong i have friends out there and also know how they do behave although i can not trust them 100% but i want you to know that they are from good home and also were brought up in a normal human being way and they really stick to it.

Its not going to be fair for you to really tell anyone in here that its by the power of the Italian the young man has been nice, but i want you to know that if you really have a bad time or information about a Nigerian guy in the past never mean you should put all other guys in same act like he did or treated you.

Kindly please note that all man are not equal and there are much illiterate and also no matter what they will never adjust to be okay.

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@ poster

its possible he wants to marry you because of the visa issue comming up.

his family may be in on it with him.

you've said he cheated on you in the past,and he is secretive about his phones.

MY SIXTH SENSE IS TELLING ME YOU ARE JUST BEING USED TO GET A VISA AND YOU WILL BE TOSSED OFF RUTHLESSLY AT THE END OF THE DAY.

i really dont think he loves you.He just wants the citizenship.

let he him screw you if you want,but dont let him screw you over.

a word is enough for the wise.

the decision is yours, all we can do is to give our advise and opinion.

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Well now to emotional blackmail!!

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2)do not get stampeded into a situation where the guy or any guy will tell you that the wedding has to be done between so and so time,you are not the one looking for papers and at the end of the day its not your problem,so dont let emotional blackmail push you into a corner, you are not making a decision for just yourself but for 4 kids who need a father figure

3)go on the immigration website and educate yourself on the pro s and con s of getting married e.t.c because im sure you prolly dont know that much about it seeing as you have no need to.

3)whichever decision you decide to make,tell him straigh and dont try to sweeten the bitter pill,it will come back to haunt you, if you will not do it tell him straight,if you want to do it but have reservations tell him straight,if you dont care about any reservations and will do it tell him straight

african males and by xtension nigerians have had a bad rap about stuffs like these, getting married,getting papers and taking off thats why i and im sure others on here are laying it down as it is and also being a single mum isnt a joke at all

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@ sistawoman, he doesn't live with us now as we were living together but we were finding it too hard as i was becoming resentful having to pay all bills and still feeling put down by his complaints about my 'duties'cleaning etc. If we married we would be living together.

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Thankyou lucabrasi, your post does make enormous sense, the visa issue is my fear. The ultimate question is, Is he marrying me because he loves me or for his papers?

You have given me much to reflect upon.

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Bridget,

I would not rush into it.  If it does not feel right then slow down.  I just get the feeling that if his visa status was not as it was he would not be in such a rush.  To not want to do anything after the wedding is funny to me, it makes you wonder.  The fact that he has cheated before and is not living at home and wont be still after the wedding is smelling fishy.

Girl he maybe just using you to get his visa taken care of.  Please be careful.  Sometime you have to let something go and if it comes back then it was ment to be.

I wish you luck in what you decide.

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to cut the long story short,from what i  understand of your account,i think your main concern is the immigration issues, and the guy using you to get his papers,the other reasons you are giving are just smoke screens to cover your main concerns,you know that yourself and you have a crisis of conscience thats why you are on here asking for advice.

as for what to do,im sure you know the guy had all these qualities before you hooked up with him,decided not to use any protection and then have a baby with him,i cant tell you personally to either marry him or not but all i can say is that even if you dont want to marry him because of the fear of divorce,ask yourself if you love him enough as an individual to help him out with his papers or not??

also being an average caucasian britsh woman,one thing you should bear in mind that you gys are coming from completely diffrent cultures,while you might have a problem with your husband/partner being the head of the house or having the upper hand sort of in the relationship,the fact is that is the wasy it is africa generally and remember the guy has spent the better part of his like in a society where patriachy was the norm,

your heart wants to go with the guy cause you love him,but your head is springing up all the hidden prejudice and stereotypes about african/nigerian guys and how they use and dump women after sorting out their papers, especially cause his behaviour isnt re assuring you

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I like the sound of your introductory sentence. My advice: Follow your head. You can change someone's physical appearance after marriage but definitely not their character.

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@sistawoman He said he wasn't ready, couldn't decide whether he was a bachelor or ready to be a family man (remember at this point he was cheating mmm!). I used to get all the time "i'm not ready yet, remember I'm just a student, I'm a bachelor, single life etc" , the next breath he was ready, wanted a family etc, etc. Basically he wants it all but has realised that it aint gonna happen.

Now I know he is serious about marriage but his behaviour has made me wonder now whether I'm ready. Guess its Karma if you believe in all that. I would be much happier getting married next year and spending the year planing something nice to remember forever, rather than rushing in and doing things all wrong.

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well if you are suspecting already and as you said that he has cheated on you umm. well people we are different if it were me i will kick him out even if he swears with his balls that it will never happen again, why did it happen at first?/ he is younger than you he is inmature what do you expect,, be his mama

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Why did he stop the wedding the first time?

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To Stephen P, no I always intended to marry it is just recent events and the pressure exerted around his visa issues that are worrying me and the fact that 'celebrating' the day by at least doing a little of something special doesn't seem to interest him.

Thanks everybody for your thoughts.

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You Shall not Marry this MAn.

Well, if you are here asking us questions

i guess the whole thing is already burst.

You cnt make demands on a guy now after you've accepted it before!

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First, guys if you are going to write a lot in your post, please use paragraphs when you write. It makes your post look a whole lot more presentable, easier to follow and it does not hurt the eyes as much as this one does.

Back to the topic, I don't get it, you didn't know whether or not you were going to marry him but you went on to have his baby? That to me, was a mistake unless of course you are looking to getting money for child support and stuff like that. Also, if you don't trust him well enough and you think he is trying to play you just for a visa, I suggest you follow your head and cancel the wedding and talk to him about your fears before you start saying "if I had known. . . " because by then it will be too late.

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Thanks i most certianly will.

I am not sure if mine was trained by someone else when i got him but i did not have to train him to be romantic he was just that way and i am sure to tell him how much everything he does to me/for me is appreciated. When they see how much you love it and how you just melt like butter when they do it and if they love you they will repeat the behavior to get the same result. He also has not lived in Nigeria for 22 years, 18 years in Itly and 4 years here in the states.

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That's cos you guys are only "romantic" to foreigners, Oyato

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Thanks sistawoman for help clarifying that not all Nigerian men are cheats and swindlers. . .

Some of us have hearts and true intentions.

Thank you jare!

That is soo cool. .give your husband a pat on the back 4 me, he's a 'correct' guy.

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like Kadijen said, follow ur heart, nothing anyone will say here will make u more happy than ur decision. NO one can make u as happy as u want to b, only u can, wish u all the best with ur heart decision and hope to see u smiling,

Take care and give ur kid a kiss for me,

Cjay

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Men like women who are confident of themselves, intelligent and wise they are attracted to them the more

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I can completely understand how you feel about his Visa status. I would not want to be in your shoes tring to decide what to do. The problems you are having with this man I am sure is because of his age. He has not partied and sowed enough wild oats to have it out of his system.

My husband is 9 years my Sr. and I know that is why he is so mature. Why did he call off the wedding the first time?

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@ Poster,

You have 5 kids, uneasy abt your current relationship, Just forget marriage and focus on your kids. They are too many to add another stress.

Stay the way you are maybe date but marriage, no need.

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I am 33 with now 5 children. 3 of my own 10 boy 8 girl 6 boy, 2 of his 16 girl and 12 boy.

Yes I am married to a Nigerian man and he is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. The relationship will not get any better then what it is, he will not change just because you marry. I am sorry that you are having these problems with him. But if he is no good with money please be careful. I went thru that with my first husband and we had so many fights because he would take the bill money and do other things. Both my current husband and I work and he controls the finances. We have a joint account and a seperate accounts. I get an allowance every week and I do as I want with my extra money. I love that I dont have to worry about the mortage being paid or the water or gas or elec. I love that I dont have to worry about how to pay the plumber or day care or gas or insurance. My husband takes care of all of these things and I just maintain a home for him.

When he comes home the house is peaceful and all is well in my home. He loves to be there and cant image being anywhere else. He has never cheated on me, that I know of, he has never disrespected me, he is always gentle loving and caring when it comes to me, he puts my needs before his as I do him. He is so romantic (so many have said that Nigerian men are not), he means the world to me and he is my King as I am his Queen. When he looks at me and tells me I am beautiful or I love you i feel it in my soul and know that this is real. You know girl when it is real you just have to search to see if that is what you feel with your future husband. If you dont feel it, really feel it then dont force it. Either it is there or it is not. Dont make him your husband if you really dont feel it, if you really cant take him as he is today with no changes.

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Hi sistawoman, his commitment. How old are your kids Sistawoman? Are you married to a nigerian?

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I'm not married and have no children but I know how does it feel to be the child of a divorced parent and with different parents and different brothers and sisters.

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And how many children do you have?

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u wuld hav missed it. bt nw u still collect d floggin, dat culd b it.k.

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I know for a fact that if you love someone so much, its so difficult to let the person go and because of this, you really have to make the wises decision before its too late.

I think I am feeling your pressure after reading your post and if I were in your shoes, I really can't breathe right now. Anyways, the milk has been spilt so if I were in your case,  this is what I'll do:-

Since you both have a son together, maybe you could advise and pursue him to stop smoking pot because it won’t be healthy for the baby. It wont be easy but I think if you take one step at a time – like maybe to decrease the amount of smoke per week and try to cut down slowly by slowly (considering to the fact that you really love him and if he really loves you in return), both of you will be able to conquer it. Tell him that he is doing it for the baby (that is if he is ought to be a responsible father).

Yes, I know what you mean but I don’t think that is a good excuse because of cultural differences. There’s one real life true love story I seen on TV the other day. To cut short, an American man whom could not speak in Arab at all fell in love with an Egyptian lady whom could not speak in English at all during the war time. Both speak to each other with their own native language yet somehow both understand each other. After they got married, the guy went for Arabic class and the girl went for English class. They have been married together for years now so no matter how far the culture differences is, if its true love and its made to be, nothing can go against it. I have a Naija bf and we also have our cultural differences but we learn to follow each other’s culture so its not biggy.

You have married your ex husband before so if you marry again and it does not work, why is this time so difficult?

The thing is that if you really love him like what you have said, you should be able to trust him and to forgive all his sins in the past and move forward. That’s the reason why these days marriage in people falls apart because there is no trust and forgiveness and understanding between the two and as they always say, it takes two hands to clap.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. A couple must be able to be honest with each other you know?

My dear. No one’s perfect in this world but if it is really bothering you, just speak freely with him. Maybe he is not aware of his bad side cause no one told him?

If you have to wait, then just do it. Don’t rush yourself and in the end you will pressurize yourself.

Have you ever heard of the saying that if he is meant to be yours, than he shall be yours? Whether if he ends up somewhere else or not, if he is meant to be yours, he will be eventually. You never know, you might go and visit him in his country or maybe he got a job in your country. . . . Anything can happen.

I think what’s more important is your son.  Think about him first before any other thing.

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@poster tell us d main reason u love him. his magic stick i guess! u seem to knw wht to do but u love sometin he produces, u dnt want to loose dat. its up to u anyway.

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@ Poster

Get yourself a box of  tissues, all this will end in tears.

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Without going into the moralizing minefield and making the best of a already damaged situation.

IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE for him to be secretive - IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE for him smoking pot WHEN HE IS A FATHER who should know better.

BUT if he is unable to modify his behavior - which this all comes down to then you are faced with either putting up and shutting up or getting the hell out and away from him

Thats my gut reaction - hope you can think about making some gut feelings work for you too because when you think about it just on the very little you've told us this isn't good is it.

Send me a PM here if you really need some methods for making the separation easier to deal with in your mind because thats the hardest bit your going to deal with the emotions of who you thought was a nice and hopefully loving husband being separate from the guy you now see.

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