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Should I Call Off This Relationship? Please Help

My boyfriend and I have had series of issues because of the hurt he suffered from his ex girlfriend. We have gone over the issue over and over again and I have watched him feel very sad whenever he remembers his experience with her. He has never told me the cause of their break up as he says its not important that one day he will tell me. He claims to love me but still keeps pictures of this lady on his laptop. My pictures are there as well but I don't know why he hasn't deleted pictures he took four years ago!!!

I used to feel very jealous anytime he brought up her issue in a conversation but these days I am indifferent. He has been having some secret calls and I suspect they still communicate. He claims to love me and has even proposed marriage (No rings yet though) but I do not want to be anyone's second best. I have asked him to go back to her if he still loves her but he says its me he wants. He says she has moved on and is dating someone else. I am really confused as I am very pretty still get admired daily. I don't want to marry the wrong man? Somebody please advise me on what to do as I love this guy but am losing patience because of this ex insecurity!!!!!

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I had to bring back this thread. I dint listen to good advice and dump this guy rather I stayed on because of the euphoria of an engagement and marriage. Well we finally broke up in January this year. I caught him cheating on me few months to the actual wedding! He started earning a little more cash all thanks to me for helping him get a job and before I could come back from a foreign trip he had moved some girl into his apartment and even had others on the side. He has been begging that it is temptation and the devils fault but people I have tried for this man. I leave him to God. His people have begged me even his friends but I know he is not my husband. When I saw this post which was sometime last year, I was reduced to tears. I should have called it off then but I was silly enough to believe he will change. His ex doesnt want him back, smart girl has moved on and now am over him.

Dear Lord, may my own man find me Amen.

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@ poster, GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP NOW.

If a guy is not over a relationship in 4 months not to talk of 4 years, he will never be over it. Forget Orprah and all the Dr. Phil style shows,Men are not as emotional as women.

I wouldn't advisem you to get a back up guy. You wouldn't be doin yourself justice. Intimacy with the back up or not is not the issue. Your bobo is psychologically cheatin on you with the ex. you'd be doin it physically. 2 wrongs dont make a right.

Get out and move on.

If you are as pretty and as intelligent as u sound, then in no time, you'd be settled. What do u mean proposed. Did he say 'I'd like us to get married someday' or 'Will you marry me'? They are 2 different things you know. Sure you are smart enough to figure out the difference.

Wake up and smell the coffee girl- its time to hit the road.

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Hi, after digesting all the views or opinions so far, you should pray about it and take appropriate decision by following your mind

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The answer may lay somewhere deep within u,  An answer u might have ignored for your feelings,

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let him go!!!! he sounds like a very depressing person. you should want better for yourself forget that man. let his ex have that mess of a man.

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Congrats Shanice III, here's wishing you all the best in your journey into marriage.

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^^^^^^ unfortunately, many men go back to their ex's this is a one luck story.

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Omo, the time to run is now while you are still able to get back in the game /market.

Don't wait until it is too late.

Your bobo has too much baggage to carry into marriage.

Word to the wise,

D

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I know a guy who introduced his fccuk mate to his brother and other family members---- the girl got soo excited that he introduced her to his family. In the end, it was all fccuking---- hahaha!

Meeting a guy's family member doesn't mean jack poo.

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@ alakee I feel u big. My dear we went from him hating his ex to him not talking about her but secretly taking her phone calls. In all fairness to men like my mum says they love sometimes even more than us. He is with you now not her dont be like me and be insecure for too long love your man communicate it helps and if none works do what you need to do even if it seems silly it may work. With relationships no one has all the answers we talk to try to make things better. I feel free 2day and going 4ward I will worry less focus on the fact that he is with me! My dear avoid the ex drama if you can help it and as for seeing your family well he has to at some point all the best o and hope it works for you too!

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I HATE my EX with a passion as well---- would smack a Dam if I saw.

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Why can't people be mature and leave matters with their ex'es in a friendly matter. EX doesn't have to equal enemy.

I would be wary of a guy who has BEEF with ALL of his ex's means that nigga is crazy psycho.

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^^^^^^^^ Interesting story--- hope things work out for you. FYI: just because a man marries you doesn't mean he will NOT cheat. Just shine your eyes very well.

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My dear im currently in a similar situation its just that he hates his ex. with passion.

however,he feels insecure that i mght turn out to be like his ex'es.what am confused of now is,if he loves me as much as he claims and he's immediate ex. wrong deeds has nothing to do with his behavours sometimes,how come he avoids talking about marriage and to make matters worse i dont know a single soul in his family & we've been together for almost two years .i have thought of secretly seeing sm1 else,but its against everything i stand for as a woman & above all am a christian.i dont encourage u to cheat or start seeing sm1 else even if u wont be intimate with him.dont do it.

someone pls advise,should i leave him?

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People I have done what my mum asked me not to do. I went to seek out this woman. If I am going to wear his ring I need to know for sure, if I knew I wont have posted on nairaland or asked all my girl friends for advice. I saw the lady at an eatery today I arranged this with my man's friend ( who she is still in contact with). I told my man to come pick me from work that my car was faulty. On our way home, I told him we should stop off to get food, well we ended up in the same eatery his friend and his ex was in. She died a million times when she saw us the look on her face was priceless! My man was confused, I went to his friend and said hello and asked to be introduced 2 his friend ( d ex). His friend played along, we all sat together. I enjoyed the way they wanted 2 jump out of their skins. Anyways I spared him the misery as I made excuses that we had 2 leave, poor soul he looked lost. I told him everything in the car, he kept saying he deserves it he has been cruel to me by keeping her for so long and he wants me in his life. After 4years relationship I finally know they broke up because she cheated and he had difficulties letting go as he really loved her. He said I changed all that bla bla bla anyways somehow now more than ever I feel free. Ah I feel free, make I talk am again I feel free, ah. My man shaking, begging me not to leave him am the one he wants after all the stress, nights of checking his messages haba abeg I feel free. We fixed introduction for end of the month but am not sleeping in his house for a while!!! I don wear my ring o jare I dey marry this man he's my soul mate, I dont know what 2mrw brings but like my mum says I will finally bury all insecurities and pray 4 d best! Na wah who said trusting some1 was easy?

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Are you sure he told her off whilst she was still on line, cos you need to be sure he truly talked to her and not a dead end

If so, then he did a good thing

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Okay many thanks people you have all been so so kind. Yesterday I gave him an ultimatum either me or the girl. He deleted her pictures immediately. While I was rejoicing that I finally had my man back guess who called his ex? This time he told her that he was with his wife and that he would appreciate if she stopped calling as it was straining our relationship. This morning I woke up to find an engagement ring under my pillow with my man Unclad on his knees lol he said I value you above all exes please marry me and join me in this journey called life. I cried was happpy but said I would think about it. I took the ring though but dint wear it but as soon as I get off work 2day am going to him to say yes. I have prayed and I do love him I was not even able to get a side gig cos am devoted to this man! Okay leemme finish work and go home!Thanks peoples best wishes in your relationships!

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call off the relationship with immediate effect, this guy will dump you when he settles with his ex, it has happened to a friend of mine before. call if off b4 it is too late.

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My dear, this is the voice of wisdom, so listen: If he is not into u then he is not met for u, It's hard to take action, that's why we need thick emotional skin when it comes to relationships. All the same, u can talk to him about it again, if u dont experience changes, QUIT THE RELATIONSHIP OR GET BURNT, THE CHOICE is up to u.

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OMG! Please turn and walk away and do not look back at this man that is using you. If you are not first in his heart, after God, then you are not the one for him, Trust me! I does not make him a bad person, it just makes that situation not good. You were meant to be happy, loved and completely fullfilled. Wait for that!

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Even married men can cheat even with their wedding rings on.

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Ring to me is just like anything.So ring or no ring he can still do what he wants to do.Ladies be wise.

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@sandra ur story is funny & sweet at the same time, i guess its cos of his job & pple look up to him but at the same time nothing wrong in calling him baby jare, keep apologising ok he ll come around

@poster, just talk to him like uve been advised, if u feel there's nothing to hold on to after the talk then DUMP him x

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Abeg call it off.It is obvious you don't trust this guy,and there is absolutely no point staying in relationship where your partner cannot be trusted.

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Like I said before… We all know the saying "Actions Speak Louder Then Words" and in a mans world this is so true.

Ladies, you don't want a man to "settle" for you; your partner should see you as his first choice or something is wrong.

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girl, dnt let dat bother u much , just tell him, u dnt like it and tell him to chose between u or the chick, u cant continue like dis, the earlier u know ur status in his life, the better for u, dnt let dat bother u

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@ sadraa, girl much as I agree with you, why should you call ASSISTANT PASTOR wey never put ring for your hand BABY outside? His office demands more from him as he is not just an ordinary person but a man of God wey PEOPLE they look up to. I think he expects you to show more decorum for him anytime you guys are out. I think you really hurt him so all those your bragging ,girl put am for basket and show some remorse. Appologise to your man, the real 'men' are scarce trust me. Dont mind all these things parading themselves as men oh, dem no be am.

@cyblez I totally agree that you can delete from computer but what about the heart and mind? Be that as it may, the deleting has to start from somewhere so girl start from the computer later face the mind. Besides I read somewhere that Men believe more in what they see while women what they hear? is that right?

@Shanice 111, I dont know what to tell you cos you are the one wearing the shoes so you know were its pinching you. It can be painful when the one you love pines away for someone else as if you by their side is not a human being. In this case I will say take your stand but pls dont cheat cos you will still be at the losing end, are we not always at the losing end any way. But like I always say, I refuse to live my life with another persons dream cos that dream might never come so I dream myself and live.

Madlady where are you? Long time.

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Shanice111: i think the best thing u can do now is to know how important u r to him. no second fiddle. tell him hw u feel and give him a definite stand. what do u really want yourself. The best advise is the one u give your self.

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Dnt call it off.

Lyk d 1st reply, an ultimatum will do the work

Sit him down and talk sense into his brain

Let him tell u d reason why dey broke and

also query him about the secret call.

Dnt 4get, its ur life and once u r married,

its final. So it berra 2 av a break relationship

than a marriage of Mr n Mrs Bill

SHALOM

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It hurts when someone we loves doesn't love us back, this guys' heart belongs to someone else, he is using you to overcome his heartbreak and i bet you once the girl comes back he will rush back into her arms bcs thats where his hrt belong. IF this guy really loves you enough as he claimed , your being into his life would have allays  his pains,and make him to forget his Ex, but it doesn't. Remember that most pple rush into another relationship immediately they broke up just to heal their wounds.

For me, don't delete the pics of his EX, it is not the solution, bcs if u delete her pics from his Laptop, will you also delete her from his heart & Mind?. Please sit him down , Tell him that you need  a break in the relationship, make sure you tell him d reason for the break, during this period tell  him to go and think and conclude on  whom he wants, if he calls you back give him your conditions. [/color]

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You certainly deserve better but be classy about it.

Resorting to harsh ultimatums, cheating or the silent treatment doesn't show that you are mature and a lady he should be fighting to be with in the first place. E go hard oh, but it's doable and it's your heart at stake here so take am easy.

Have a talk with the guy and tell him you are leaving him now because you know he still has feelings for his ex. However, if he decides he's truly gotten over her, he has a window of time in which he can come back but there will have to be changes (including ceasing all communication with this girl and deleting any pictures, letters, etc that remind him of her). If he's yours, oh, he'll come back. If he's not, cry, sigh, move on. You're young, sexy, classy and fabulous and there's a guy out there just for YOU.

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are u in PH for real?

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& by the way, he isnt d only dude on earth.  You deserve a better treatment girl.     If he isnt ready to behave striaght, act like u no longer give a hoot, & see his response. From there u make ur decision. @ na2day, i no fit go through wetin she dey go through. A fight would be uncalled for.

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@ Poster, i dont think u would love 2 b with d wrong person 4 life. II think for starters, see urself as d madam, n as being d madam, u have a right to do anyth with respect to your r/ship. so madam confirm ur capacity now, delete d pictures n her number on his phone. What ever happens thereafter wld give u a clearer picture of where u stand.

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Trust me, it wont take long before he realizes he could take his ex-back.

But gurl, free the guy and move on,life is too short jor

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Many thanks for all the replies I really do appreciate as my heart was burdened. I have thought very seriously about the spare thing as I actually do have someone else who is so eager to call me his. I have never cheated on anyone in my life and I don't want to God willing. I have met his family he has met mine thats the hope I have in this relationship but I would get a back up, I wont be intimate with the person but it has become necessary!!!

Well if u feel like he's treating u as 2nd best and u don't like it then y contemplate of doing same to someone else. In my opinion that is not fair.

U really need to try and learn to feel secure in ur relationship. It may take sometime for some people to be completely healed of their former relationship. So u might need to give him some time and also discuss the issue with him. Communicating with him might just be the only magic u need to turn things around because he may never know how u feel regarding the whole issue unless u let him know. Goodluck.

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much have been said, my sincere advice is,tell him what u want (to delete d ex pics and stop answer her) and state d consequence of his action. by doing this u will know what to do next. DONT DOUBLE DATE, U MIGHT END UP LOSING BOTH. believe on God for d best,

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He is not over his ex

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If you are having this much stress b4 marriage, then I would say yes. You dont need to patch any relationship. Face it squarely. If he cant change now, he would never change after marriage. If he still puts her pictures in his laptop, have secret conversations with her and talks about her, he is mos def not over her and is just using you to fill a void. most likely se.x. He is still in love with her and is still trying to get her back. Move on girl. You dont need this.

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Sure they might be over, but he ain't completely over it yet. Believe moi. It might take him a while to get over her. Dude must have had some strong emotional connection to her or something.

People don't like ultimatums, but like someone advised you an ultimatum might be in order. No need to force him to choose you.

Give him the "we need to talk" speech. Let him know where you stand, and if things cannot change you should move on.

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gurl, jos run, 4get d gjavascript:void(0);uy, he dosent deserve a faithful partner like u,

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as the days go by ,does he talk less about his ex?if yes then there is a tendency of getting him over her.does he show that he really loves you?

do you have the patience to stand the ex's drama when ever it starts?if the answers to all the above questions are yes then I think you guys can work things out and time will heal his pains.

if no the other hand the answers to the above questions are then think you should move on cos personally i wouldnt advice you to be your future husbands 2nd best.

dont expect to meet prince charming when you move on,everyman has his plus and minus.good luck

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i agree wit the tots of many on this topic.i hv a similiar experience wit my ex.i cldnt love another for a long time.i made up my mind one day to completely forget abt her and love  someone else.i did and that was hw i was able to let go of her.today am happily married to someone beautiful in form and heart.so until your boyfriend decide to completely let go of his ex, he wldnt love you completely.word.

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If you love him, do all you can to hold him.

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most guys want to always eat their cake nd av it at once. its very possible he loves u nd is still communicatn with his ex.

please give him some more time.if he doesn't change. walk away.

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its always like that, just have to take it easy.

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avoid him for like a week or two,i mean total avoidance no calls bar his line,then closely monitor his reactions if u are still confused then serve him with the ultimatum and be prepared for the worst.after this u will not need a second person to tell u what to do.best of lucks!

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hummmmmmm 2nd best isnt a good position ohhh, especially when it has to do with an ex in relationships, i bet being used to while away time with positive hopes as to ones ex isnt fair, its high time you guys had a conversation in your relationship, seriously you guys need to talk.

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@ poster

you claim to be very pretty. Can you kindly post a picture? Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

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Be wise, he's just using u to while away time. He still loves his ex and may definitely go back. I had similar issues of which d guy now blame me am the cause of his not marrying is ex. D lady later got married while we both parted. Use ur brain and not ur emotions.

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