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Should I Just Move On?

ok, i never thought i would do this, but i just need a honest advice, My boyfriend and I have been having a lot of problems for the past few weeks, we have been dating for seven months,

he's been communicating with his ex since last year November and only told me in feb, He says he finds himself thinking of me more than he thinks of her, and he doesn't want to loose me, I know he cares about me because he shows it, but its so difficult because it hurts so much,

He said he wants to get married this year and is considering his ex, because am still young(20) and not ready, he last saw this girl six years ago, they never broke up, she was kinda of his first love, the girl's family just took her away to US because they didn't want her to be around him, they from different tribes, now she's 26 and she's planning to come see him and they would hang out, like he's gonna tour her round the city,

Now i know the best thing for me would be to move on, but i love this guy and its so difficult, and i wanna let go, but he's making it difficult, and doesn't wanna let go, I can't see myself being second best

we live in the same city (Singapore) and this girl lives in the US, He keeps saying he doesn't wanna just throw away what we have together, and i should give him time to fix it, like after she leaves,

Am thinking, whether he wants to see if it still works out between them, and if doesn't then he can have where to lean back on, but what if it works out, where does that leave me

Am confused right now, what do you think i should do, Pls no insults just honest opinions and advice. thanks,

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39 answers

@EMPEROH

she wants to see how far she can go with eating her cake and having it. Here is what i mean. She loves the other guy but not being so sure where it will lead to she still wants to hang on with the one that promises her a future. make no mistakes, she knows exactly what you feel for her.

I really really appreciate your comment too. but dont you think as in your lines above, the girl would be mean enough to be taking me for second option? the truth i must tell you however is that the love used to be as strong as not minding whatever she took me for so long she is mine at the end of the day. but then i only felt the level of attachment should be stronger as we started planning marriage. on the other hand however, i am scared of imagining my wife going out to see another man secretly after marriage. moreover, i have personally taken a vow that i will never divorce my wife no matter the occasion, not even on the ground of infidelity! GOd help me though. So emperoh do you get the issues? i really know that ultimately with time i can get her off my mind especially if i find someone new today that i am attracted too. my fear however is that if that doesnt happen, after some months if my girl returns, i really cannot tell what might happen. i really feel i may be inclined to accept her back though not before some shakara. i really like this girl. do you understand? i guess the confused person is just me. maybe i need to have my head clear or cleared so i can think straight. i hope time will help me move forward.

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Letustalk

I am really scared for you on this if you have not started the process of emotional disengagement.

Like someone said, this girl is not attracted to you. This two things might just be the situation;

1. She doesn't just know how to tell you she can't roll with you given the level of commitment and that she has already met some members of your family. . . . . . she is faint hearted to come out fully to say, 'It won't work'!

2. she wants to see how far she can go with eating her cake and having it. Here is what i mean. She loves the other guy but not being so sure where it will lead to she still wants to hang on with the one that promises her a future. make no mistakes, she knows exactly what you feel for her.

Here is what i think you should do; remain indifferent thats if you are finding it very difficult to disengage emotionally, but whenever she returns, pls stamp your feet down and issue the ultimatum, its either you or him; and where the situ doesn't favour you, pls and pls move AND NEVER LOOK BACK. I bet your parents can understand. Any woman meant for you will be for you. You will see her level of commitment.

but i am wont to think she is just confused and needs some direction. Hence, you need to give her the strong part of you. Whichever the case, call on God to guide you in making a decision. It shall be well

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Read through your post, and like I always say,every post made much sense,but here's my take on the issue: Let her be. No matter the psychological gymnastics you engage in to woo her she can never really really "love"you the way you want her to,save you are one of the guys that believe in that ole she'll grow to love me after we are married, which I personally feel is horses@#t.

When a woman's heart is set on another,it takes the grace of God to make her love another, women, so so complex,you can NEVER be as good as the other guy, fine she likes you in a way,but her heart is not yours. You said your feelings for her is on the decline why suffer yourself by resurrecting past feeling for her. He treats her like dirt, but you've heard the saying, "why do good girls love bad guys", let her go for both your sakes, don't tempt her to doing something foolish such as cheating on you later on,let her go.

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@NGELOV3

You know you are making sense to me. Pls let me know the details of the second option as i cant log into yahoo site due to restrictions. pls just hit me details now.

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The basic fact is that she doesn't feel as attracted to you, as she is to the other guy. And whether you wanna hear it or not, she is not into you! Majority of the girls don't know how to call off a relationship. They feel alot of pity for the guys involved - even the guys they may not love so much.

Now, they are two options:

Option 1 - Leave and forget about her completely. I mean, dissolve the relationship so you don't end up in divorce later.

Option 2 - If you still love her and can't afford to lose her yet, then you have to play the game with her. You have to establish basically an attraction to you from her (that is if there was never one before). To make her become attracted to you again is nothing magical. It's just a little understanding of how the psychology of love works. Trust me, she'll be under your willing cage in no time.

Hit me up for a chat (follow my profile), okay? Cheers!

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thanks to all who have commented.

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heart trouble or u know understand

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"o boy u beta move on or she go put u 4 trouble u re not in her plan"

Trouble? How abeg

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@AIRMASHA

well you wont be wrong to say she is probably playing on me, but hold it. i knw love is fast declining and if i find someone today, it will help me forget her, but do you think i will be sick to accept her if she returns after say 3months and quite seemingly genuinely?

@biola44

how do you mean my happiness, cos i dont think i have been more happy with her leaving. besides she is not messing around. she's just stuck to this guy who i know is not faithful to her. dont you think if she learns her lesson after some time she will become remorseful enough and better refined to maturely handle a relationship? cos i feel immaturity is contributing to all this. i really dont understand why a lady will have the prospects before her and choose another thing rather.

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o boy u beta move on or she go put u 4 trouble u re not in her plan

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why i you asking such a question cant u see she is playing with u.

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"It clearly means she prefers the other guy. Don't put your life on hold and wait for her to get filled wit fooling around, could be dangerous! You are just her plan B and it aint right"[/color][color=#990000][/color][color=#990000][color=#990000][/color]

You have a point. I dont know what to do whether to just forget about her cos that has been a problem, although of late i think my love has started declining. however, she is the first girl that will be approved of by my parents and that is one of the reasons why i dont want to lose her cos for previous relationships, it was war, and incommunicado for some time with my parents. i dont want to go through that again. my mother kind of just likes this girl eventhough she hasnt seen her. they have talked on phone and she said she like her. so folks, i dont really know again!

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", You shouldnt give her ultimatums,just try and make her see that she needs to limit her friendship with this guy,not neccessarily end it, "

And atreus come to think of it. why do you talk of limiting the friendship and not necessarily ending it. For God's sake this is someone i want to settle with for life. i dont think it is proper to even have the guy around. if she may be in love with him which i dont consider impossible, i really think it will be a risk for the guy to still be sticking around. i have told her to take her stand and just bar the guy out, but she is a shy type and you cant always tell what is on her mind till she does it. i dont really know cos the whole thing has made me go through a lot.

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It clearly means she prefers the other guy. Don't put ur life on hold and wait for her to get filled wit fooling around, could be dangerous! You are just her plan B and it aint right

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Well atreus,

the last time she came, i told her to give me time to really think things over. i decided personally that i was going to watch events until next year. although even my parents asked me to give her some time if i love her, but they have started getting stunned at the time lapse. i just told them to leave me to take my decisions. so i want to watch and see how she goes with the guy. i am convinced beyond doubt that the guy cant marry her cos she said she had caught him before with a lady but he explained that he was already disengaging from that relationship, but my poor girl doesnt have her two eyes open to see this man is not meant for her. i really get confused why a girl will prefer to cling to some other guy when there is this one who loves her and is ready to settle with her. as a matter of fact, i am religious and cool headed and all that. i just dont seem to understand. a close friend has tried to so discourage me about the relationship saying she was not trust worthy, but i dont know whether to say i made a mistake falling in love with her in the first place cos only recently did her thoughts start fading gradually, and i am relieved much by that as i am always deeply in love whenever i am.

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You asked whether she can ever be faithful to you? Do you have any proof that she was ever unfaithful to you? Maybe she doesnt feel comfortable cutting out someone who's always been there for her long before you came around. You shouldnt give her ultimatums,just try and make her see that she needs to limit her friendship with this guy,not neccessarily end it. If both of you do get married,YOU should be her best friend,not some other guy. Third parties can be very dangerous in any r/ship.

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A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage.Let go of the guy completely,cos u dont want to settle for a substitute.U said u have left him,good.But what u need to work on is how to forget him completely,cos love makes any human vulnerable,by so i mean that if u ever have loved a person,even though u break up with him/her,at times u find urself thinkin about the person,mostly in ur quiet moments.And if u come up here to tell us that u have forgotten him so soon,that will be the greatest of all lies

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It's great to hear you say that. Hopefully you're not just saying what we want to hear. Truly, you must believe that you are not worth so little, but instead much more.

There will be better guys out there and you will NOT end up lonely if it is your heart's desire to find someone to love who loves you too.

That guy needs to learn his lesson, with every woman who lets him get away with this, his behaviour will worsen, just stand your ground, dust your shoulders, he needs to learn the hard way what he has missed. If he doesn't contact you in a day, week, month or year, know that it doesn't mean that you were not worth it, nor does it mean he's happier without you. It can mean a million things, just know that you being without him, has made you available, you can now attain your best.

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Thanks Topup. . .But even if he comes back i don't consider taking him back. Because i always wanted to move on. . but never got the courage to do so. . . but now I've got the courage. . . am glad i did. . .because i was never happy with him. . .he's done a lot of things to hurt me . . .and i kept tolerating him because i was in love,

Now that i can see more clearly. . .i realize he wasn't worth all the love i gave 2 him. . .I know it won't work out between both of them. . .because he's here and she's in US. .that's like a totally different continent. . . and he's not the distant kinda of person. . .so he's definitely going to cheat on her. I also know he would be back by the time she leaves. . .but then it would be too late.

I've already decided to move on. . .let go of past hurts and just have fun with friends and family. . .at least those who i know care about me so much. . .and they really making it easy for me. . .because ever since i broke up with him. . .i haven't missed him and i find myself growing stronger each passing day. . .I kinda of hold no grudges against him. . .because i know everything happens for a reason and he was never the one for me. . .He only walked out to give a better guy a chance. . .so am all cool.

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This is one of those situations that we'll try to make black and white when it truly is every colour of the rainbow.

I normally would say 'move on' for the fact that he is obviously using you as his back up plan.

But after reading a few influential articles (written by men), I realised that men can make a lot of silly mistakes, they are human, we are all human. Sometimes you don't see what's best for you, even when it's right in front of you.

He might just be curious, and when he agrees to meet her (and you left) - he may decide to miss the meeting and come and seek you (but it'll be too late).

He might be curious and just making sure he feels nothing for her before he plans to commit wholly to you.

Okay, my mind is changing whilst I'm discussing this, and I have come to the conclusion that you should move on.

Reasons being;

- If he comes back to you, you will always be second choice or there was hesitation which does nothing for your trust and confidence in him in future if you two are to get married;

- What's to stop him doing this when you two are married, he could consider a divorce or a second wife, but maybe changes his mind, but the problem still lies with the fact that he considered it;

- He's warned you that he's considering his ex for marriage, which is a HUGE alarm, that he does not value his current relationship, it seems to me that he is more emotionally attached to his ex, if he cheats on you - he'll always have the excuse of "She must have known, it's obvious I wasn't going to stay. I mean who tells their current girlfriend that they are meeting an ex and considering her for marriage, and she stays with the guy." e.t.c. .

Lastly, where is the self-worth. I commend you on being very level headed, but where is the input from your mind that reminds you that you wouldn't do this to him (list reasons)?? Why do you sell yourself short, is a relationship not 50:50?? Does he make all the decisions now??

Please, do what's best for you. If he values you, he'll come after you with full force and won't have such extreme doubts in his head.

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was that for me?? lol. good to know u feel better now

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Topic/Poster

Dont move on ok, get a sofa and lie down there like a log of wood!

I dont know why some people can use thier common senses!!!!

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RUN!!!!RUN AS FAST AS YOUR LEGS WILL CARRY YOU. Honey, if a man says I am contemplating someone else, he is contemplating someone else. Don't even try to sift through the comment with a fine tooth comb, it is what it is at this point. You will survive, we pay too much attention to how difficult a process will be instead of its worth at the end. You are young and you will find a wonderful guy soon (or he will find you). Don't let any body use you as their reserve because if it doesn't work out with his ex and he marries you, there will be some other person down the line that he will cheat on you with because he knows you will always stick around.

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@Poster,

One statement, move on.

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Should I Just Move On?

yes but with open brain

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Dear, what next, everybody in this thread is saying the same thing.

I think it is very obvious.

If you don't want to pick the pieces of your heart

MOVE ON!!!

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move on, but not with speed.

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Girl, he's taking advantage of you. he is a tortoise and he is using you. He prefers his ex but he dosent know if things will turn out well so he is keeping you around. if it turns out well for them you are a goner, if not he will come back. You are second best, a last resort to him, Run for your dear heart.

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Moving on is NOT the best option she has, it is the ONLY option she has

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My dear, you just have to move on. I know it might be difficult for you to do that, but believe me, its the best option you've got. It makes no sense for one to water a dead plant. . .a sensible person would plant a new one instead. So my advice to you is that you look for someone else who would love you and you alone.

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Move on sweetie

You are just the back up plan. He wants to be sure that he is not left w/o a wife.

NEVER, EVER let a man make you second best.

Only give your heart to the one that gives thier whole heart to you.

You're so young, you have lifetime ahead of you.

Just sit still and wait, your man is coming girl and it aint him.

When you really love someone you can never cheat on them or keep them waiting in the wings.

Trust me.

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look my dear that's men 4 u, pls. do not be in a confused state.

refuse to be his second best, need to dust yourself and move on.

and who knows your worth might just b around d corner

cheers.

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U are funny oh! He told you that he wants to get married (NOT TO YOU) this year & u're stil talking 'bout love?! *Tssew*

The guy culdn't even lie to kip u on 'pending' & . . .

I'm speechless (I actually feel like insulting u sha). . .

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move on

He is just keeping you around as a continjency plan. If he sees his ex and she looks good then he'll break up with you if she looks like she has had 10 kids he would blow her off then come back to you. Yes you love him and it's hard but do your self a favor and move on

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my baby i want you to move on with your life, you are too young to be use as a spare tyre, infant the man does not deserve you ok. you have a great future so move on with your life.

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You should move on. Th fact that he has actually told you he wants get married is enough reason. If he's going to marry you, he won't be telling you that, he'll ask you to marry him.

Besides that, I think that at 20 you're not under pressure and regardless of how badly you love a person, if he's thinking long without you, then you're wasting time.

Just leave him before he leaves you.

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how do u deal with a leaking tap? do u wait till it leaks and floods the entire house with water of u fix it the moment u detect it? dearie, the guy is cheating on u and cheating on the girl as well. he is 2-timing, plain & simple. sometimes, its best when u love with ur brain & not with ur heart. in this case use ur head. its obvious he loves his other girl and has told u so. i suggest u move on and leave him to sort himself out. u might just save urself a nasty heart trouble

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