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Should I Marry A Guy That Already Has A Child?

Hello Nairlanders.I met a guy who's everything I want(well you definately cannot find a perfect man).He's much older than me which is not a problem.But the chemistry is right.He seems like the one.

But, he has a child.I dont mind since he was never married to the mother.My people are screaming blue murder that i cant marry a man who already has a child.I have not the slightest qualms about it since the child is very young and sweet.And by the grace of God,i will learn to love the child like mine and when we start having our own children,there will be no difference.

I love my family and my parents especially and i love this guy and his child.Now im torn in between.My parents are damn against such liaisons and they want me to break up the engagement (i hid that detail from them when we were dating).

What should i do?Can they be right about their antagonism??Pls help

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31 answers

The first question that you should anwer yourself is "Do I love this guy?"

Dear, luv is unconditional & if u luv him u shd make your relatives discover the beauty in him that u saw. Pliz take your time and don't make a rush dcision. Follow ur heart and make a dcision u'l be proud of 50yrs down the line this kid cud be a blessing in disguise. Good luck

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well love can not be burried or be drowned no one can break the power of love , my friend do not lose hope continue with the gay and take is son as ur own son so ur popose will be justify

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Wow, i'm a new member and i was going through your post and find them so captivating and interesting, can i be a part of this meeting?

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wats the diffrence there is always an xtra space in our hearts wen we care enuf

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Possibly. It really depends on the person. Like, Lauryn Hill I would consider marrying, and she has a whole unit of kids.

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What about 10 children?

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Possibly. If I really loved her and thought that the feeling was mutual,  If her three children loved and respected me, 

It is about the person and their aura that matters.

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Would you marry a woman who has three children?

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I feel you and I respect your personal view, but that seems very close-minded of you to disregard any man who is a father. I think that is so wack.

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yes we av choices but some av it in limited qty

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Never romade

We haves choices.

If she really loves him, then go for it.

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merge dont say never until u see wat is behind d door cus u myt desire it

its not all d time dat our folks order are d best but in d bid to satisfy them we always we do their wish

ur happiness is d paramount issue here, he dat findeth not he dat is chosen talk d talk with God 4 he alone can help u find peace

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that just not for me.

I work hard to be me so I want the best I can get.

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Well his previous fiance died, and I'm sure that the man did not choose to be a widower.

Why let something like that hold you back from being with someone whom you Love? That dosn't make sense. And besides, children bring joy.

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I will never do that.

Leftovers

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if you're happy with him there is no need for you to listen to your parents,

but you know how it is when the whole thing goes sour, you have to run back to your parents and they scold you and al that. it's your choice really!!

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@ maiya suya and felix

plsss! hu still wills all thier belongings to one child in 2009!!!!!!!!?

How can a sane person in this day and age will everything to one child at the expense of favouritsm in the family?

i thoght all those sthings happened only in nigerian movies?

By the way nigerians are so lazy somtimes so ull just wake up one day and say to urself im getting the education, and the opportunity but do you know wat? i dont want my own, i want the remaider of my fathers empire! WAT THE HELL? that mentality right there is why there are so many disfunctional families in NAIJ!

@ POSTER if ure planning on ure children biological or not living off only wat thier father made are u sure you will be grooming men or boys? People want the best for thier children which is actually MORE than they've had so tell me how can they have that if they are taking the reminants of wat thier fathers built? well u might want to check your husbands view on this of course u have to have the same views on issues like this before marriage.

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hi

just go for what you want,don't compromise your love with any thing if you know that the guy is in love marry him have a child or not is not an issue just Ur love.your parents time has gone so.what matters is love,

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@ pOSTER

My dear lets take another look at the picture.

The man already has a child, no problem. But the question is not just about you loving the child, its also about the child loving you. Are you ready to keep up with the stress of mothering a step-child?? I have not been there but I have seen several homes with such cases and trust me dear, its ot a pretty site. Step-children always tend to believe that they are getting it bad, especially from their step-parent. Discipline/punishment is always gonna be an issue.

The Boy/Girl factor also comes into play. Inheritance is another factor, Next of kin issues always come up in the end. If its a boy, then you are in bigger poo than you can even start to imagine. When you start having your own kids, then you'll get to understand what is meant by "maternal Instincts", you wanting more for your own than for the other child.

The complications involved with dating single parents are just out of this world. I just hope your love is strong enough to weather the storm brewing ahead should you decide to follow your heart.

I sincerely wish yo the best.

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@ poster, trust me, this is a very valid point being made. I certainly don't support such archaic attitude; nonetheless, those posters claiming that such things don't occur anymore in the Naija are simply dwelling in their collective delusion. As I understand, the child is a 5yrs old boy; therefore, if you end up having only female children for the man, there is slim possibility of such a scenario occuring - no be zay I dey wish o! The family of the man and perhaps that of the deceased mother could also be a determining factor.

If however, the man is as good as you say he is, then I'm sure he will be above such primitive mentalities. All the best!

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I'm sorry, how old are you? Where in Nigeria do you live or are you from? I'm just being curious o. Even my father (in his 60s) doesn't think like this. I don't know many people who do. I know this forum brings all different types of Nigerians together sha. I'm thankful for the kind of Nigerians I know.

Zesty, the guy you're seeing, what kind of Nigerian is he? Is he like the one Feelitx above mentioned? I'm sure he's not, but I'm just checking.

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Zesty,

is this child male or female? If the child is male,are you prepared to handle the trauma of your husband willing everything he owns to the child without you feeling some form of jealousy? I mean if he wills everything to this child and not your biological child? If the child is female, You can proceed.

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Exactly, there is no baby mama drama. If there was, I might sing a different tune.

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I think you should marry him.

A man with a child raising him on his own is far, far, far, far more stable then a single with no kids (in most cases).

Is he a good father?

I am sure he is or you would not have fallen in love with him.

Is he good to you?

I am sure he is or you would not have fallen in love with him.

Does he balance the two of you fairly?

I am sure he does or you would not have fallen in love with him.

Know that his child will always come first but that would be case if you were the mother or not. When you have children with him know that the children will always come first and if this is not the case then turn around and run. You dont want a man that would put a woman before his children.

Is he faithful?

Do you really love him?

Are you in love with him?

When you day dream about the future is he there?

Girl please follow your heart and marry him and make him and his son your own. Trust me the little guy will feel like your own. And your situation is different, because there is no "baby mama drama".

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How much older are we talking?

Since the fact that he had a child was never hidden from you and doesn't bother you one bit (you know that truthfully right?), then if I was you, I'd go ahead. I have to tell you that I'm probably only Nigerian by birth and don't believe in many "cultural" things Nigerians say (like the guy has bad luck because the mother of his child passed on). I mean, what the heck is that supposed to mean? Are these people Christians that are saying this? Sometimes, I think we read different BIbles or something.

Personally, my husband and I are thinking of adopting a child in the future. We're both Nigerians. I'm just saying that to explain to you the kind of mindset I/we have. I believe one can truly/unconditionally love a child that they didn't give birth to. Do you believe the same thing? Can you truly love that child? If you can't, in the best interest of the child, no, you shouldn't marry his/her dad.

If you were the one that had a child, I'm sure your parents would be singing a different tune. Abeg.

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She's late.She died a few years ago.he was supposed to marry but she died shortly after having the child.

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What does "the mother is late" mean?

Does that mean she has passed on?

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there is a thread opposite this here on NL. this is a funny world. do we start how to hide or kill babies thread too? kids are becoming a virus.

funmi where art thou?

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Yes. Marry the one you Love, and do not let anything hold you back from something great.

To me, I consider the child to be a blessing. Not a drawback.

Whatever you decide though, make sure that you pray on it and always follow your heart. Hopefully, everything will work out for you in the grandest way.

Best wishes!

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Thanks waterworks

The child is 5yrs old and the mother is late.some pple have even concluded that its his "bad luck" and that ishould stay away from him since he has such bad karma.

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Dear Zesty,

in a situation like this you have to be true to yourself.

you are all that matters. you know the kind of family you come from if u go ahead and marry him will it be a very big deal?

how old is the child? if its younger or still a toddler you are better off that child can grow up to call u mother.

and you have to think will i love this child unconditionally? it is extra responsibility. u will not start of as a typuical married couple if the child is living with him from day one there will alwys be someone else to share the attention with who is not biologically urs ther might be some jealousy. can u look past that?

the other woman will always be there. there will alwyas be room for her. at birthdays, graduations, christams dinners. can u handle her? , he might take his mothers advice over you sometimes are u mature enough to handle this? the love might not be shared equally between u and her will you feel inferior? will this inferiority affect your actions?

aside all of this if u know you can handle all of this then u follow your heart.

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