«Home

Should I Still Go On With The Marriage Plan Or End It?

Happy New Year members.

Please help with this dilema.

Engaged to a lady to be married on the 2nd of May 09

You both live in Lagos - Maryland and Satellite Town.

She visits once a month (arrives 8pm sunday and leaves next day 6:30 am to work).

Complains the distance is too far.

Then you moved in December, she didn't come to see the place, didn't help in the moving.

You both saw only once in the month of december cos you attended a party together.

You travelled for xmas and has returned since Jan 11th.

She's not bothered to come to the house that is presumed to be for both of you.

She works Mondays through Friday and for the records, NO SEX involved.

The relationship is 1yr and 3 months old.

Will you still go on with the marriage plan or end it?

Pastor Bimbo when she was alive says, "A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage"

Before I forget, I moved to an estate near Diamond Estate by Igando/Isheri Road. About 30 seconds  or 1 min drive from Isheri round about at Idimu. I felt this will close up the gap between satellite town and maryland.

Ladies if its ur brother - Guys if you are the one. What will you do?

Avatar
Newbie
32 answers

i think you made the right decision

there's no point going ahead if your needs in this relationship are not being met

i'm a little concerned that she was trying not to show her emotions in front of you

how do u build intimacy then

i realise some ppl are different but she can always find another way to express it so at least you know she's with you on the smae level.

just leave it as it is

the ball is in her court

if she wants u back, let her work for it

else ur future lies with someone else

by the way even prophecies need to be tested

0
Avatar
Newbie

@Poster,

Honestly, I dont think talking to her will change anything. From the way u write, u seems to like her a lot, even if she's had done something wrong to u, will u act the way shes is right now, considering how close it is to ur wedlock? Comon, a girl that is abt to get married and is serious abt it, will b in ur house almost all the time planning the occasion. Believe it or not, wedding days are the most important days of ladies; lives. I have 2 elder sis and they are both married, I know their state of minds 6 months to the dates. I dont think i hv seen them happier. If uu want to know, ask ur girl what she has been doing in preparing for the wedding and u might b surprised the answer will be nothing. Talk all u want, I dont think shes ready. Now dont get me wrong, not that she doesnt like u, it may just b shes not ready. Its left for u to find out which. Good luck, bro.

0
Avatar
Newbie

What u have to do is to sit her down since u are not comfortable with her behaviour,then talk some sense into her.i believe with dat she will change.

0
Avatar
Newbie

LISTEN IF U HAVE EAR!

YOU MAY WISH TO DELAY SO YOU COULD GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER,

DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKEN OF QUITING BECAUSE YOU'RE BEEN OVER EMOTIONAL

THINK BEFORE YOU ACT!

0
Avatar
Newbie

Thanks all for the heart-felt responses so far. The celibacy was her initiative & I consented to it. We needed to build our relationship/marriage right. I'm one guy dat's been there done that & hav told her all abt it. We smooch, kiss, there's public display of affection when the opportunity presents itself. I also kno she's a time bomb waitin to explode sexually but I don wanna take advantage of her weakness there. Funny enof, the relationship looks so good from the outside but on the inside, a lot is wrong. Someone did make a good point, "maybe she's ignorant on how to handle a relationship". Midway into the relationship when I wanted out due to her nonchalant behaviours as regards the us; this was before we got engaged, she admitted her ignorance on how to handle a relationship & pleaded I giv her time to learn. I advised her to talk to her married colleague at her work place. She agreed to but did she? I can't say. I worry about that cos a woman doesn't need to be tutored on that. Its a natural instinct.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Is better u sit her down talk some sense into her because mst girls do behave anyhow.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Jeez!, I've almost concluded that your beau is having a little TRYST on the side until I learnt she's a virgin. Boy!, and you want to dump her, because she doesn't show affection?! Why don't you, as you're on it, find out if she knows what affection is or how to show one for that matter. Does your ABSTINENCE inclde BONDING gestures like kisses and cuddles? Do you guys hold hands in public or you DAMMED YOUR EMOTIONS IN THE TURPOR OF ABSTINENCE?

Who made the CELIB8 rules?

See,guy, to each, his own. But I won't do a lotta things the way you're doing them. That woman, even if she denies it, is ONE SEETHING VOLCANO WAITING TO ERUPT,YOu must find a creative way of releasing this PENT UP ENERGY if you persist in staying celib8.Methinks this relationship is one HELL OF A BORING SPECTACLE. But you can wake her up. ITZ IN UR HANDS.She deserves a SECOND CHANCE

0
Avatar
Newbie

Is she a virgin? Yes she is and despite her travail in life she held tight to it. I respect her for that. However, my love for her wasn't based on the fact that she is untapped. I didn't get to know about it till 2months into the affair. Before I knew about her V state, normally I'd try to initiate sex whenever she comes around but she'd say NO! & I'd respect that. She was wary of telling me cos I once told her in one of our dates I didn't intend marrying a virgin. My point; my love happened so fast, wasn't 4her V. Never hav I felt such a surge of emotion in such a record time. It was the moment I saw her & it has never seized to grow stronger even with her funny demeanour. She swore she wasn't seeing any body. Said she didn't need to cos she believed in us. <ALL THAT MIGHT JUST BE STORY sha>. Funny enof, my aunty got a prophecy from her church she's the one for me. She's been told similar thing too. Also, in my bid to seek God's face concernin us, I was given d same prophecy. Does this prophecy thing work?

0
Avatar
Newbie

There are many reasons one can suspect for her present attitude. But I would advice you not to jump into any premature conclusions until you solve the puzzle. First you can start by talking to her. Communication is very essential in every relationship. It brings both parties closer. Tell her how you feel about her and your plans for her. You said something like you're getting married in May. Talk about your unborn kids, your future and watch her reaction. If she changes, then you know you're making progress. If she doesn't, then you can seek advice from a professional; (like a marriage counsellor). It is also advisable to keep close tabs on her because she might be seeing someone else.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Bro,whats the problem?

If everything is ok,she'll switch off,you back out,she come s running with

tears streaming down her cheek.

Marriage is not by force o.

I used to think u need much more than love to sustain a marriage.

You need compatibility which I can tell if u relationship have at the moment.

She's a celibate to u,are you sure she aint doing it with someone else?

If a woman is not as enthusiatic as u are in a marriage union,it not worth it.

There are things you dont know about ur girl,u are simply rushing her into marriage.

Dont back off completely,u may need tosuspend the marriage,re evaluate everything,

its ur choice to be haapy in marriage

dont short change ursef.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Been out of town & out of internet connection. She came as promised and I made good my plans. We had a long talk & I re-affirmed my dissatisfaction on her mode of handling the relationship. I touched on so many areas that she is lacking. As usual she went on the defence. Finally, I told her I'm calling off the engagement since it didn't seem to me she wants it as much as I do and she is not ready to be committed to it. Initially she tot I was bluffing, but when it dawned on her I was serious her mood changed and tears filled her eyes. Did I tell u guys? My baby is so proud. She held back so hard to cry but no sooner she stepped outta my apartment than she started to wail. Today she's a bit repentant at least she tries to call or sms but nothing much has changed. I'm trying to start something new now and she is aware of that. She's begging I shouldn't leave her that we are meant to be together. I love her so much still but don't want to end up in an unhappy union. Pls my people what ya'll advice I do?

0
Avatar
Newbie

I don't see anything wrong with it. I am proud of you guys. The fact that she is not coming aound might be a good thing. I don't think it would have been easy to save it for "THE DAY" if she was always around and she might feel that same way. Ask her if that is her reasoning. It seems you guys are on the right path

0
Avatar
Newbie

@poster

you cant get the best advice from here

you may get sound advice though

and for what its worth here is one

the question in the exact manner you posed to us

ask her, thats the only way you will know

0
Avatar
Newbie

@Magz darling, If you know the entire story, you'll conclude she doesn't know what she's wants.

Anyway, I have broken the news at last and now guess what; the table has turned. I'll let you guys into the details on a later date as work load is too much today.

Thanks for all your contributions so far.

0
Avatar
Newbie

@Poster

Abstaining from sexual intercourse during the periods of her numerous visitations to your place as indicated on the post spoke volume about the relationship. Do you want us to believe that during the period of one year and few months both of you had embraced celibacy outside the relationship?

I do not know who initiated the code of not defying the bed before the marriage but experience tells me that the introduction of this dimension into a serious undertaking such as love matters is a show stopper. I will indulge you not to make hasty and irrational decision yet.

Trust me on this tune because my people say:

Egwu akwa nwoke na nwanyi kama mgbe ha wu okorobia na agbobia

0
Avatar
Newbie

i think i like you for seeking counsel and being calm.

wish you luck

0
Avatar
Newbie

She hit the nail on the head.

Talk to God about the situation, then talk to your woman. Then talk to God some more and (maybe) follow your heart.

0
Avatar
Newbie

@topic

Before you break off this very very very very very one sided relationship,try to be unavailable (calls visits gifts etc) and pretend you are no longer interested in her.If she still doesn't respond,then leave .If she loves you she will try to change!!!!

0
Avatar
Newbie

Don't be silly man, don't just breakup like that.

I feel your 'pain' in all this cuz i've been in a similar situation though i didn't engage her even, so ur 'pain' must be more.

As many have written, talk with her about your concerns. Ask her what the reason behind her behaviors are(distance/work/you e.t.c, and i repeat ASK her not BEG her!),

, if she doesn't give you any reasonable reason: let her know it's affecting the relationship and it's pushing you away emotionally. Then ask her if she wants the relationship to go on or if she wants it off? let her know it's better to breakup now than going on to have a horrible married life, so she should make a decision to be serious or walk.

NOTE: Don't come across as angry all through the conversation, act as if you're cool with whatever decision she takes, but don't act like you DONT CARE ANYMORE.

If she give you a reasonable and genuine reason, ask her(seek her opinion to let her feel her importance even if you know what to do) how she thinks it can be resolved. And try to reach a point of agreement.

The truth is that many women/girls of nowadays don't know what SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS are all about. Many don't understand serious relationships are all about HARDWORK in all areas of it, and only flings and dates come easy.

Too much fantasy lies about relationships from the media have damaged the mind of many on relationship-responsibility in the REAL world. ( my personal opinion)

0
Avatar
Newbie

I'm breaking the news to her today. She called to tell me she'd be coming to the house. I'll let u guys into what went down. Ha ha, today is the Hang man's day. Its painful though cos I still love her silly. I just hope I'd be able to do it.

0
Avatar
Newbie

My woman has issues I must admit. There are other areas I wouldn't want to touch here. Even though I'm leaving her, I don't hate her. I love her still and wont want to tarnish her image. I can live with her other bad sides cos that's what love that is true will do, but I can't live with her lack of commitment and selfishness. I thought they will change with time but with 1yr plus gone and no changes even after my total submission and commitment, the changes will never happen. So I think what I intend doing is what is best for me (and her maybe).

0
Avatar
Newbie

Thanks all for the wonderful responses so far.

Now I know I won't be labeled unreasonable if I call off the engagement as it is what I intend doing. There has never been an atom of commitment to this relationship from her. She never calls me. In the 1 yr plus of this affair, I can number the times she called me. She only flashes or sends pls call me. We are not kids here. I'm in my mid 30's and she's in her late 20's. I have to bring this in so y'all will get the picture clearer. Did I forget to mention that, I saw her again on Dec 25th because I went to pick herself & her siblings up on my way home for xmas as she's from Delta state & I'm from the east.

Her family gave their blessings and all have love for me. But they are not the one I'm getting married to, its their daughter. If she's no more feeling it, there's no need wasting my precious time. Have we talked about it? Yes! When I noticed this changes the first time, I brought it up and she went on the defence. Is she afraid we'd have sex? No! She lived with me for the 2 months 3rd mainland bridge was on repairs and goes home on fridays to come back sunday night. I think she was just using me. People what do you think?

0
Avatar
Newbie

i think dere's more to it than meets d surface, if she's a workaholic and u met her dt way, den u shldn't complain now coz dtz how she has alwaz been, u say she doesn't visit u often, how often do u visit her? maybe u guyz shld hold d marriage stuff 4 now and solidify your relationship first,

0
Avatar
Newbie

errr, weird, very its not about the sex. do you love each other at all?. its not gonna get easier when you get married, if you continue without airing you views, well its up to you then but this ain't a reflection of a very good relationship.

0
Avatar
Newbie

apart from the visits

do you talk on the phone during the month cos if u talk enuf via the phone

does she work long hours and is her job very demanding

altho i am concerned abt the once a month visit

lets not jump to conclusions

please talk to her cos we dont know how ur relationship started or her personality

if she's going to be ur wife you need to discuss whether this a big issue or just a phase

0
Avatar
Newbie

He doesn't want to have sex before marriage, let him be. That's not even the real issue.

The real issue is that there seems to be a lack of communication between the two of them. Communication is key to any relationship so it's my opinion that you should hold off on the marriage. Obviously, I think you should talk to people that actually know you and not us strangers on here. I personally can't imagine my fiance not being there when I was moving (my husband and I moved several times before we got engaged or married and we always helped each other). Do you both talk during the week? Have you talked about her reasons for not coming over? Do you go over to her house? When do you guys talk?

This just seems odd to me.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Jiokeh,

Don't rush into marriage, especially when your relationship is hanging on a thin string.

Here goes my perception of your story---

1. Your woman is not as invested in this relationship as you are

2. Distance was the issue, so you moved, but she's still distant?? (clearly that wasn't the issue in the first place)

In an art shell, she's distant and clearly showing no interest in this so called 'relationship'---

She has EMOTIONALLY DETACHED herself from you and this 'relationship'; hence, the lack of effort in keeping this relationship going---

You need to have a serious talk with your woman, if she's running from you now, having her hand in marriage is not going to keep her with you in the long run. Good luck.

0
Avatar
Newbie

She definitely isn't feeling you bro.

If things don't improve soon, u'd better move on.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Good to know the replies so far thinks its weired. I have plan on calling it off but I just think it will be right to seek varied opinion so it won't seem like I was unreasonable. I'm just worried about her family's reaction cos they all love me and has been a great support so far. But like spiked said, a brother's got to do what a broda got to do.

0
Avatar
Newbie

Ohh bro! Point noted.

@Spiked: We chose to go into marriage with the bed undified. There will be loads of sex after but till then, we have to hold body.

0
Avatar
Newbie

You guys sure have some talking to do. What kind of relationship is that ?

0
Avatar
Newbie

The guy says he doesn't want to have sex before he gets married, please respect his choice.

0
Avatar
Newbie
Your answer
Add image

By posting your answer, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.