Codependent relationship, what are the sings of it? Pass the test if you are codependent! It is very important for building successful relationships. Find the test here right now!
Codependent people are completely absorbed in the task of salvation of a loved one. In fact, co-dependency is a rejection of themselves, their desires, interests, and feelings. But they do not notice it, losing the importance of self-interest.
Codependent behavior is not formed in a marriage with a dependent person, but much earlier - in the parental home. Codependency differs with the sense of self-doubt. The desire to love and to increase the sense of value is realized by manifestation of the ‘care’ of others. They have confidence that another person will not love them just for who they are, they believe that love should be deserved.
Codependent people do not know how to define their own boundaries, which ends their ‘I’ and the other person begins. Problems, feelings, desires - they have everything in common, both with partner.
The main features of codependent behavior is the desire to ‘save’ nearest and dearest; hyperresponsability (taking responsibility for the problems of another person); lives in constant suffering, pain and fear (as a consequence of ‘freezing’ of feelings - so a person finds it difficult to answer the question: ‘How do you feel now?’); all the attention and interests are focused outside himself, but to a loved one.
Dependent people, on the contrary, are characterized by a reduced sense of responsibility. Their existence is possible only in alliance with the codependent person who takes responsibility for solving their problems.
For the state of codependency is typical:
- delusion, denial, self-deception;
- compulsive actions;
- ‘frozen’ feeling;
- low self-esteem, self-hatred, guilt;
- repressed anger, uncontrolled aggression;
- pressure and control over another person, obsessive care;
- focus on others, ignoring own needs, psychosomatic diseases;
- communicative problems, problems in intimate life, isolation, depressive behavior, suicidal thoughts.
Three typical roles of codependent people (Cartman’s triangle) can be distinguished as:
- the role of ‘savior’;
- role of the ‘pursuer’;
- the role of ‘victim’.
How is codependency developing? After all, there is nothing like: today you are fine and tomorrow morning you wake up and bang ... you are codependent. Even if all the questions with a predisposition are included, it is still not all that fast. Darlene Lancer, family therapist and specialist in codependency names 3 stages of its development.
1. Formation of attachment to dependent. The offer and provision of grant aid, support, gifts and other concessions.
2. Constant attempts to be liked (to be ‘good’, ‘good’ person who is trustworthy).
3. Concerns about the behavior of a dependent, as well as what is happening in his life, how he behaves, why it is happening.
4. Rationalization of dependent behavior (there are explanations why he is dependent, and that he had had no other choice not to be dependent)
5. Doubt in what you see. (Even if the person is drunk, clearly went for one more bottle or dose, or to casino, codependent refuses to believe it and drives away the idea of what is going on in deed. Give an explanation as, ‘it really is ...’)
6. Denial of dependence ( ‘in fact he is not an alcoholic, sometimes he just drinks every day, 7 days a week one bottle of vodka, but not more! This is only for stress relief’. ‘In fact, he is not dependent on computer games, he just does what he likes, relaxes after work!’)
7. Forget about own activity. (To stay at home not to let her husband get drunk)
8. Reduction of social contacts (interacts with others who understand the dependent partner, how poor and unlucky he is and maintain the conversation on this subject)
9. Own mood depends on the behavior of the partner and his mood.
1. Denying and minimizing the painful aspects (yes he stole the money, but there was still little, yes, he was lying under that fence, but the fence was good and the mud was not around)
2. Covering up (if a person is engaged in saying that he is not guilty, he hasn’t done it and another white lie)
3. Anxiety, guilt, self-blame (I'm doing a little or something wrong, if he continues to behave so)
4. Reduced self-assessment
5. Isolation from friends and acquaintances
6. Continuous monitoring of dependent person
7. Allegations, manipulation (‘I'll kill myself if you keep ...’, ‘You ruined my whole life’)
8. Anger and confusion (after everything is ‘done properly’, behavior is changed, conditions have been created, everything was bought, sold, experts, psychics and magicians were involved, but he is still not behaving correctly)
9. Understanding that the present cannot be controlled and life according to to the whims of a dependent.
10. Constant mood swings because of nothing.
11. Removing the responsibility of a dependent (it is not his fault that he was drinking, using drugs)
12. The appearance of ‘family secrets’ (no one should talk outside the family that something is happening)
13. The appearance of dependence (wives of alcoholics can start drinking too, having some of the considerations ‘than he gets less’ or ‘so he does not leave the house’; part of couples face the development of the food addiction)
1. Constantly depressed mood.
2. The development of dependence.
3. The feeling of emptiness and indifference.
5. Appearance of stress-related diseases (hypertension, gastric ulcer, etc.)
6. Gain control attempts, even including violence (all sorts of psychotropic can be poured in vodka, different criminals may be invited ‘to punish’ partner).
Here on these parameters, those who consider themselves as codependent can estimate the degree of disorder themselves. Codependent is the one who allows the other person's behavior to influence on her own. Codependency is obsessed with control of dependent behavior (for example alcoholic) person.
Codependent behavior - a kind of adaptation, the aim of which is to meet his needs through the care of the one who, for any reasons, is not able to take care of himself. As the savior role progresses, codependent forgets about his own needs and concerns. As a result, even if there is a physical break with the dependent person, the virus of codependency is transferred on the future relations.
Codependent behavior manifests itself in too much care, taking full responsibility for the financial and emotional well-being of another person, in a lie and the concealment of negative consequences of the behavior of a dependent in order to continue to be in a relationship with him. In the long term connections, the rescuers are fully responsible for their partners, and their own physical and mental health breaks. It is also believed that ‘helping fans’ have serious problems with self-control.
So you are codependent if:
- You feel yourself depending on the people; you have a sense of being trapped in degrading you and full of control relationships.
- See the meaning of your life in the relationship with your partner; you focus all your attention on what he does.
- You use the relationship as some people use alcohol or drugs, thus becoming dependent on the other person and think that you cannot exist and function independently of him or her.
- If you tend to perceive other people's problems as your own, it means that you are not able to determine your own psychological borders. Do not know where your borders end and the boundaries of other people begin.
- You have low self-esteem, and therefore there is the need for constant obsession with the approval and support of others, to feel that everything goes well;
- Always try to make a good impression on others. If you often try to please other people, not trusting your own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs.
- Listen to the opinions of others and do not protect your own views and opinions.
- Try to be necessary to other people. If you do everything, literally, what you think only you can do for other people, but actually other people might well do it for themselves.
- You play the role of martyr. Suffering, however, you do it honorably. You ready to accept the situation, which is unbearable for you, because you think that your duty is to do so.
- You are sure that you can control other people and are constantly trying to do it, without admitting it to yourself that it never works great.
- If you do not understand what's going on with your feelings, or do not trust them, you show them only when you think you can afford it.
- If you are gullible and often get into a situation where other people fool you or just do not justify your expectations.
Please read the following statements and put in front of each one a number that reflects your perception of this statement. You should not think about the answers to the proposed judgments for a long time. Choose the answer that matches your opinion most closely.
Strongly disagree - 1 point
Moderately agree - 2 points
Slightly disagree - 3 points
Slightly agree - 4 points
Moderately agree - 5 points
Strongly agree - 6 points
- I find it difficult to make decisions.
- I find it hard to say ‘no’.
- I find it hard to accept compliments as something deserved.
- Sometimes I almost get bored if there are no problems on nothing to focus on.
- I usually do not do for others what they can do for themselves.
- If I make something nice for myself, I feel a sense of guilt.
- I do not worry too much.
- I tell myself that everything will become better when my close surrounding changes, stops doing things that they do now.
- It seems that in my relationship, I always do everything for others, but they rarely do something for me.
- Sometimes I focus on the other person so much that I forget about other relationships and something I should have to answer for.
- It seems that I often find myself involved in a relationship that hurt me.
- I hide my true feelings from others.
- When someone hurts me, I hide it inside for a long time, and then one day I can explode.
- To avoid conflicts, I can go very far.
- I often have fear or a sense of impending disaster.
- I often put the needs of others above my own.
For getting the amount of points, invert the value of points for questions 5 and 7 (for example, if there was 1 point, then replace it with 6 points, 2 - 5 points, 3 - 4 points, 6 - 1 point, 5 - 2 points and 4 - 3 points), and then sum all the questions up.
Amounts of points:
- 16-32 - norm
- 33-60 - moderate codependency,
- 61-96 - severe codependency.
If a person prone to codependency is in a relationship with a dependent person (no matter it is alcoholism, drug addiction, video games addiction and others), there appears codependency disease. Without treatment, codependency progresses and deprives a person of the possibility to build a normal relationship with other people. Even if a codependent person manages to break this relationship, then he has to live alone, or, as a rule, build a new relationship with a dependent.
Independent exit from codependency
Refusal of participation in codependent relationships may be very difficult. Relatives of the dependent people sometimes feel that they are required to give up a loved one. In fact, it is understood that it is necessary for them to go back to themselves. It is important to take into account (only taken into account) the feelings of a loved one in the actions and support him, but it is necessary to define the areas of responsibility clearly (not to do for him what he can do himself, not to think for him, not to dream for him). Do not allow others to use your feelings, and your love.
Codependent people also need the help of a psychologist. It is difficult to realize and accept the fact that you need to start helping yourself. And just so you can learn how to build warm and close relationships without sacrificing your own interests. It is not easy, but it is certainly worth it. Be honest, tell yourself the truth – do you want to become happy? Start moving forward your new future and you will see the differences.