Dream to find the remedies for marriage problems? What tips are the best? How to prevent breaking up in your family? Find out everything you wanted to know about happy marriages here!
Alice Bowman is a popular US psychologist, journalist and blogger. Alice saved not only her own marriage, which cracked at the seams, but also helped thousands of couples to avoid divorce and get happiness. According to her pieces of advice we have created the article with the remedies for marriage problems.
If to talk about the marriage, you should work on it, work hard. Then something is successful, something - not. If you're going to persevere, you will constantly see something is improving. You will enjoy the best moment of the life with your spouse. This may be a new and improved sex life, more intimacy, confidence in the fact that you are loved, appreciated and understood.
And even if nothing will come of it, even if in the end you break up, nevertheless, it will be worth it. Your marriage project will teach you a lot of important lessons about yourself and will make you stronger and wiser.
Next, you will find our top remedies for happy marriage. Please note we are not family counselors. So if you have serious problems, sometimes you should contact the professional.
So it’s up to you - to take advantage of these tips or not. Alice had saved not only her own marriage, but also helped thousands of couples to avoid divorce and reach happiness.
Remedies for good marriage life:
Step 1: Find Yourself
It is easy to blame your husband for unhappy life. But the truth is that the person gives misery himself. It comes from within. You are responsible for your mood, happiness and well-being. Taking care of yourself is not the job of your husband. Taking care of yourself is your job. Your husband is here with you, to support you in this.
Use the following tips for getting happiness:
• ‘Nourish’ yourself. Fill yourself with the energy if you want to give something to your family and friends.
• Do whatever is necessary to maintain your health. Do not forget about charging. Relax. Get enough sleep. Eat right. Have regular sex life. Be engaged in your favorite hobby. Regularly allocate your own ‘private time’.
• Identify what you enjoy most, and often do it.
• Analyze your friendships. Be friends with someone who understands and supports you. Avoid destructive relationships based on sarcasm, indifference and rivalry. Create, if it’s necessary, a new relationship.
• Give up the guilt. It is impossible to be a good wife and mother, if you forget about yourself. You have to come first. Family is on the second place. The children are on the third. If you upset the balance, no one will be happy.
• Smile. You'll look happy and the surroundings like happy people. When you begin to like people, it will create your good mood.
• Laugh. Look the information above.
• Know how to cope with grief. It is not fatal. And it will not last forever. Once you can get rid of fear, you will feel more comfortable.
• Go further. Help others to feel good, and you too will feel yourself suddenly well.
• Look in the face of your fears. Fear of failure is worse than the failure itself. Have the courage to translate dreams into reality. The more confident you are, following your dream, the happier you become. The more you hide from your dreams, the sadder you become.
• Learn to express your views and ask for what you need.
• Do not stop to look for yourself, until you feel that you can be happy as a single, and as a married person. The belief that you are standing firmly on your feet, will provide you the necessary courage to meet challenges in a marriage and to deal with them.
• For more information, refer to the following books:
- Dan Millman, ‘The Way of the Peaceful Warrior’;
- Leo Babauta ‘Easier means more effective’;
- Martha Beck ‘As a North Star’;
- Wayne W. Dyer ‘To live for living’.
Step 2: Identify your problem
What's in your marriage works, and what not? Look into your future. Imagine a beautiful day in a beautiful marriage. What does your husband do? How do you communicate with each other? Imagine sex. Love. Happiness. All of this together.
Then make a plan that will lead you from point A (hating your own husband) to the point B (the perfect marriage).
Use the following tips:
• When you realize that you think about ‘getting rid’ of your husband, do not waste your moral strength, feeling guilty for thinking, imagination or emotions. Better spend it in order to find a solution.
• Split large problems into the small ones. Short but true steps to move towards the goal can certainly help you.
• Accept failure. You never know whether a solution will work until you try. If it does not work, learn a lesson and change course.
• Believe in your goals. Your brain will begin to invent all kinds of excuses why not to go to a family psychologist, to express your views, and so on. Do not pay attention to these excuses. If everything (in your relationship) is worse than ever, may the new strategy make it, at least, a little bit better? Begin to act. Try to do something.
• Believe in your future together. Without this faith, you cannot stubbornly go to your goal, when it will be very difficult. And it will be difficult for a lot of times.
• Be patient. To turn frog into a handsome prince (we talk about your husband), you need something more than just a peck on the cheek.
• Every day, while working on the project ‘perfect marriage’ you should wake up and say to yourself: ‘I chose the option to stay married. Today, I choose the option to be married’. Marriage is a choice. Your choice. You keep the situation under control.
• If you ever want to give up, dive into your imaginary world. Spend in your fantasy as much time as you need. And as a result it will no longer be a fantasy. As a result, it will become a reality.
Step 3: Tell your husband about everything
Tell your husband about your feelings. Explain that you want to do and why. If he resists - insist.
Use the following tips:
• Before you get down to business, imagine its consequences.
• Stay positive. Your brain will begin to come up with negative scenarios. Try to resist them with a more realistic and at the same time a more positive scenario.
READ ALSO: Can cheating help a relationship?
• If you worry that you may forget the needed words, write down what you want to say. Then either read aloud or ask your husband to read it.
• Talk to your husband about the fantasies of ‘getting rid of him’. Say something like, ‘I'm so mad at you that I wish you’d disappear’. Then you can talk about the anger and disappointment and move on to what you will do with all of that.
• Tell him your demands, if you really want to finish the project. Do not give empty promises.
• Do it when you are calm. All the time hold back the tone. If it’s possible - smile.
• Formulate why you feel unhappy. Try not to blame your husband. Suggest a plan for changes. Ask for help.
• Select one evening a week and call it ‘evening for problem-solving’. At this time you discuss one issue made by each of you. Think together and try to take the appropriate solution acceptable to both. These evenings are not needed all the time, but they are needed during the first period. Without them it is much easier to ignore the problem and to deceive yourself that they may disappear by themselves.
Step 4: Forget about the old grievances
Everyone enjoys accumulating grievances. If it was not so, none of us would be doing this. Each time we have a new argument, we are anxious to old wounds and say: ‘I am better than you. It's all your fault. You see? As you did 10 years ago! It’s again the same!’
But your husband may not be blamed. Partly there is your fault. And, more importantly, the memories of the old resentments interfere the improving of the marriage. If you get stuck in the past, you will never be able to create a better future.
It’s true that sometimes it’s hard to forgive someone. In fact, sometimes it’s very hard. But a lot of people have gone through it. That's how we let go our grievances. Hopefully, this will help you.
• Remind yourself that there is also your fault. Your husband is not perfect, but you too. When you look at yourself as a person worthy of forgiveness, it will be easier to see the same thing in your husband.
• Think about everything that's ever pissed you off. Write. Describe them to her husband in details. Ask him to say ‘I am the one to blame’.
• Think about it.
• Be patient. It takes time to see who your husband is now, and forget who he was yesterday.
• Note everything that he is doing well - so you can remind yourself how much he has changed for the better.
• Remember why you fell in love. If you just cannot remember, think a little longer, until you remember.
• Write and exchange your love letters.
Step 5: Have sex
If you do not want to have sex with your husband, it means that something is not right. You may have a health problem, which makes sex painful. Consult your doctor. However, once you read this section of the article, we can guess that you do not want sex, because:
1) you are indifferent to your husband;
2) you cannot stand your husband. You need to do something with this.
Work on your marriage. You do not want to have sex with a man, whose presence you cannot stand at all. Talk to him about what is going on. Then set the date for the resumption of your sex lives. And when that day comes:
• Do your best to feel sexy on this day. Make waxing in the bikini area. Buy beautiful lingerie. Buy a little sexy dress and shoes. Shoes’ purchase is required.
• Continue to work on your marriage.
• Learn to relax. Tension is another form of sexual concern. If you feel like corked bottle of champagne and almost ready to explode, to you need to find out why it happens. Our answer is - you just need some sexual release.
• Have sex regularly. The more you are associated with your husband with sexual relations, the more sexually attractive he will become for you. As soon as you resume sexual life, do everything possible to keep it vibrant.
• Continue your education. We recommend you to find the books on this issue.
Also remember that the attraction is like fire. We must constantly add fuel to support it. In the case of fuel for attractiveness, it is an experiment. You have already got used to your husband. The thrill and novelty have disappeared. But it is possible to recreate the thrill by experiment in the bedroom (and outside the bedroom, too!). Try new positions. Try new underwear. Try the new places. Discover the world of sex toys, role-playing games and eroticism. Share your sexual fantasies with one another. Aim for a new one.
Step 6: Learn to be romantic
Arrange a date. Touch each other. Hug each other. Say ‘I love you’ and express your feelings in action. Please use the following tips:
• Remember the early days of your relationship. What did he do then? And what is he no longer doing now? Think about the husbands’ friends, especially those who are romantic by nature. Do they show romance toward their wives? Think about romantic men of the movies and books. How do they take care of the women?
• Reflect all this in the guide ‘How to get romance back’.
• Show this guide to your husband. Ask him to read it.
• Whenever your husband will make something from this guide, award him with sex.
• Behave more romantic too. Look at him. We mean - really look at him. Have you seen how he looks like recently? Pay attention to his new haircut. Notice how he looks in a particular suit. Tell him the compliments, touch him, smile, tell him ‘Thank you’.
Step 7: Learn to speak out loud... but not too loud
Stop requiring him to read your thoughts. He does not have psychic abilities. He has never had and never will. Please use the following tips:
• It is better to deal with the problems sooner rather than later. If you're going to leave them for later, solving them will become more difficult - it's like trying to scrape leftover food from the dishes, which stays per week in the sink.
• Do not expect that things will get better by themselves. You're not waiting to win the lottery without buying a ticket.
• Before you start arguing with your husband, calm down. Go to a long jog or a walk. Call a friend and tell her everything about it.
• Then calmly start the discussion. Tell your husband what you feel and why you feel this way. Discuss how to avoid a similar situation in the future. How do you want him to change his behavior? For example, not to talk to you in a raised voice, not to make fun of you in the presence of your friends, or to pay more attention to children.
• One person speaks at a time. If necessary, a coin will decide, who speaks first. While one speaks, the other listens. If you want, you can make notes. Repeat to your husband, what he has just said. This will force you to listen carefully.
• Focus on solving problems, rather than on just blaming your husband.
• As soon as you feel that stress is increasing, remind yourself that your goal is to win. This is not a chess game. Your goal is to come to a common understanding.
• If the tension continues to rise, repeat yourself the following phrase again and again: ‘Accept defeat. Give the victory’. And so you do. You will become stronger. But you would not believe us until you try and do not feel it yourself.
• And if you lose your passion, you begin to overwhelm your husband with the swear words, forgive yourself for that. The ability to transfer the information to others is acquired in practice. It's like playing a musical instrument, or to engage in sports - you need to train constantly. Go on and you will succeed.
Step 8: Feel the understanding
Set out the goal to know your husband better than anyone else, and let him in turn, know you. Please use the following tips:
• If he does not want to talk about the meaning of life, fine. After all, you're not married to Yoda. Your husband is a person. Appreciate it.
• Instead of the meaning of life find out what worries him most. What are his hobbies? What does he love most? How does he imagine a perfect day? What are his favorite books and movies? What's his favorite food? What kind of life dream does he have? Answers to these questions will help your relationship.
• Do not look into each other's eyes. It will be easier to talk about your feelings, if you do not look at him. Talk in your car. It is much less intimidating for him than talking face to face.
Step 9: Write a solemn speech devoted to your husband
Looking back to the darkest days of your marriage, you can clearly understand that your ‘fantasy break up’ helped to save your marriage. It can help you realize that your marriage has had great difficulty. Fantasy on the theme of the breaking up can help you make a solemn speech. A solemn speech can help you realize that your husband is not bad at all 100%. It helps to remember what you appreciate in your husband.
• Work on it a little every day.
• Try to notice what he is doing right. For example, he makes you coffee every morning. Reflect this in a solemn speech.
• Think about what may excite other people in your husband. What good things could they say about him?
• Finish the sentence: ‘If someone really knew my husband, he would then know that he...’
• Think about how much time you know this man. When did you laugh with him? When did he make you cry with happiness? When did he surprise you? When did he do something uncharacteristic to his character? Reflect this in your solemn speech.
Step 10: Repeat your attempts, if it’s necessary
You will be tempted to quit. You can lose the desire to work on the marriage. You will cry out to the sky: ‘Does it have to be so complicated?’ Yes, it is. Marriage cannot be cured completely. This is the project of a lifetime. Deal with it.