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What Would U Advice?

Right, I have been a frequent reader of the forums but have barely contributed; right now, im kind of in a fix and just need some genuine advice really.

I have been in a relationship with this guy for about 5 1/2 yrs now; he came to visit a few days ago; mistakenly left his facebook open and after browsing thru his messages, the only conclusion I could come to that he IS SCUM, basically, he had been chatting up females, saying he couldnt wait to see them, wished they were with him, misses them etc, blah blah blah. I'll give u an insight into the relationship; id be lying if i said the relationship was perfect. Yes, I had seen flirtatious messages and all that but each and every time he always begged, cried, 'babes, thats it, i'll change', and I always took him back, always. For the past year, I kind of moved away to study and generally, I figured maybe, just maybe he has changed. Whenever I spoke with him about these females n stuff, he always said that was the old him, hes grown now, he knows what he wants and its me., he also said i was the final stp for him, bla. In my mind n head we were gon end up together.

After seeing those messages, I just realised I genuinely couldnt keep decieving myself anymore,,he has pleaded, begged, called up all his family n friends to beg me, but i have just had enough. I just cant take it anymore. I have been very faithful to this guy, I dont have any 'spare or spares' as some women call it, just cuz its not my style and even if it was, im jus not smart enough to be playing guys,,,jus not my thing.

This whole break up incident happnd a few days ago and I have to say, am broken. For the past 5 yrs, I cannot remember the last time,( except we were arguing ) not being on the phone with this guy at least once a day. i feel sooooooo lonely, i dont know wat to do with my self half the time. Im not and have never been an outgoing person, I jus love to chill at home really,

FOr watever reason, I jus feel maybe I need to meet someone who will take this pain away. I do not know how thatll happen as i barely socalise. I do not know where to start. I do not want to go back with him but am sooo scared if I dont meet someone I might just go back. I have friends who have gone through similar things and I know the advice i'll give them if they were going thru the same thing but i guess the feelings different wen ur wearing the shoe.

Another question, are all men cheats? are men jus going to cheat on women no matter what?, are there men out there that will love u no matter what n be faithful?, i know these questions sound unreal but when everyone around me is telling me, just hold on to him, there r worse things out there; it wont get any better, I really dont know as he has been my first and only boyfriend,

Any advice will be welcome as long as its genuine and if uve gone thru something similar; ur experience will be well appreciated if shared,

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28 answers

you have just said my mind,ladies are their worst enemies... they advice someone to leave,but in reality they are sticking to their cheating bfs..

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@poster how old are you?? you need to get out and get busy!! i know exactly how you feel i just end up datin someone else but its not always the best option (or so they say) thats why its good to be close to family and friends and let a boyfriend be an adition, and not the other way round.

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@poster

just make sure u take ur time 2 take a stance.

cuz almost all of us have been guilty at one point in time of wat your man has done.

really want u to find out if it is u he loves.

at least one more chance that is if he deserves it wont kill.

leaving sumone "that truly" loves you for sumone that doesn't, is never a fair deal.

at the same time nobody deserves to be cheated upon, i would never support that at least now that i know otherwise.

pleaseeeeeeeeeee take your time before you make that final decision (one week is for mourning not for taken serious decisions)

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@poster

it is normal to feel the way you feel but the writing was on the wall . . . . . . you just decided to overlook it (also you were young and inexperienced in the dating game).

did you say that the guy wanted to marry you?! well, he had his cake and was having desert on the side,  . . . . .  what do you expect?!

this guy has cheated on you therefore he had no respect for you or the relationship you had. . . . . . . such man should be run away from as there is absolutely NO WAY to make him change. he will beg and say all the right stuff now to get you back but when the relationship gets back to cruise control mode, he will get right back to cheating mode.

get off your a$$ (sorry for my French), look at the mirror and be positive about yourself/life, go out and live life like nothing happened AND put yourself back on the market!why should other men be deprived of a good women like yourself?! the only one who should suffer is the he goat you were dating before.

*****just take it as an experience and LEARN from it! *******

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@ ik_moore2

I dont think its the case that ive 'outgrown him@ AT ALL, i just think i deserve someone thatll appreciate me more than he does, thats all, if all these didint come about, i can barely fault the guy and would have LOVED to spend the rest of my life with him without a second thought but it gets to that point where I dont feel he'll ever change adn if I decide to stick with him then I should put up and shut up; and I CANNOT do that. Every human has a threshold point, i jus think ive reached mine is all.

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Poster

Just brave up, u will see another guy that will love you.

Remember life is full of up and down

But do let that pin you down

Stand up to ur feet

and move on.

It is well.

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But did they meet?  you are not sure but all u what now is to break up cos u believe there is one out there that deserved your love and not him,

I think u have outgrow him and his nolonger your level that what is happening within your sub-consious mind without u knowing,

mind u you could be right and at the same time wrong,  its your chioce and life, but think twice possibly thrice!!!!

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1. first thing first, 5 years is really too long for a relationship (except we are looking at marriage), comon wats d long term plan.

Seriously, in my head, we would end up together. For goodness sakes, this boy goes on n on about how he cant wait to put a ring on my finger,cant wait to dance his heart out and show me off on his weding day etc etc. If u jus met this dude and he was talking about me, seriously, U would be like wow!, he goes on n on about me so much that sometimes, im like, is this really me that someone loves like this?, before i saw these messages, he was saying to me, oh, cant wait to make u my wife, etc, as in i have been convinced I will end up with him.

at one point in every man's (80%of men) life we tend to cheat, comon wait a minute, for me yes i have cheated (note that is nothing any man should be proud off) in the past and the truth is i am done cheating now, not because of the love i have for my gf but because, i have had enough and i wanted too enjoy dis relationship at least for once and also my new found fear in God.[color=#000099][/color]

Wat can I say?, its really depressing to feel he is possibly the best out there, as much as I refuse to believe it. I just pray that I will get that which I deserve cuz I know I have been faithful, given him everything, mind, body n soul, it just hurts that its all been thrown in my face,

About me taking my time, its been exactly a week now, and i have to say, my thoughts are beginning to change slightly, before now i was like i need someone!, now, im like, u know wat?, i'll just chill take care of me, do me and try to know who I am as a person. Been with the guy since 18, so in all reality, i only know wat im like with him in my life.

Anyway, massive thanks u guys for ur advices, all well taken,

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babe only 1 advice, run for for your life,

if you stay youre gradually killing your self worth and b3fore you knw it, you dont have anything if he decides to leave,

if some1 doesn't change b4 marriage, don't deceive yourself he wont change after, it will only get worse,, it will hurt at first especially if its some1 u are used to, bt d truth is i dont think its worth it,

try not to be idle and dont look for a rebound, it will be worse, just enjoy the company of yourself, from there ull get beta,

whatever you do dont go back, just keep you head down and keep moving, stay strong,

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@poster i really feel ur pain.

but i want us to look at the issues critically

1. first thing first, 5 years is really too long for a relationship (except we are looking at marriage), comon wats d long term plan.

2. at one point in every man's (80%of men) life we tend to cheat, comon wait a minute, for me yes i have cheated (note that is nothing any man should be proud off) in the past and the truth is i am done cheating now, not because of the love i have for my gf but because, i have had enough and i wanted too enjoy dis relationship at least for once and also my new found fear in God.

3. see, i understand that you are hurt, but i would advice that you tread carefully. as you earlier said you never know what is outside but a cheating partner is never a good option.

4. sum guys after a while decide to turn a new leave (sum after they are caught, but sum of us that got lucky, after we have had enough) who becomes the lucky one, the lady that meets us in the good state.

back to your case i think you sud still take your time before totally committing to sumtin else.

forget what the guys here are saying (let who has never cheated in his life cast the first stone)

trust me men change, just that we never know when so i advice ladies that their prayers should be that let them meet the right guy after all is set and done.

sum ladies would say, my guy doesn't play games, excuse me.

do u know how many ladies in your guy's past life that have suffered? just count your stars that he is all yours now, we cant say the same for the former ones.

as you heal your hart and go all out, please tread carefully and take all the time in the world before you take any decision.

shalom

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Do you have a problem?

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5years and you still tolerating this dude's crap? Your one hell of a patient girl!

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@POSTER: Time heals all wounds… regardless of how you feel right now

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Seems b/f valued you but he is a natural born cheat.some men are like that and some women can take it and handle it.If you cannot just walkaway otherwise u'll find yourself losing your mind always wondering if he is with another woman but five years is a long time.In your case i dont think you can handle it so walk.

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well there r some guys that can flirt around all yr long but at nite only settle for their wives, am not saying is good but some men look at it with the eye of killin boredom

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well, if u mean catch him in bed with anoda woman , no I ddnt. But do u need to see tht to know he is bein unfaithful? Only God knows how many of these girls he has slept with , I'm so far from him it's impossible to tell. Bur hey, wateva the case is, he is not my problem anymore

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@OP, Sweetheart i really feel your pain. I mean, five years? Wow, that's huge. But nonetheless, never let it weigh you down, he doesn't worth you, his loss not yours. I used to have a church friend, her story is quite similar with yours. You know, the long-term relationship thinking they would get married but they never did. The girl was so hurt to the extent of taking her life but all thanks to members of her church, she didn't. Now, as i am typing this reply, this lady is happily married with 2 lovely kids and they are all based abroad. While, the other guy who disappointed is yet to find his remaining part. Sory abt my long story, might be knda boring. Just to tell you that every disappointment's def. a blessing.

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5 years is not 5 months, i sympathise with you. Please try some out door activities like swimming, going out and most especially pray about it. The Lord is your strength. I believe it is always difficult to change people. I suggest you do a check on youself and see what you were not doing in your last relationship and try and spice up your life for good.

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5 solid years you endured, 5 solid years u've been patient, 5 solid years he didn't change. . . What makes you think he'll change now. . . Once a cheat is always a cheat.

Guys cheat alot, some have the decency to hide it, some flaunt it, some feel ashame abt it, some feel proud abt it. . .

There are nice guys out there, good things don't come easy but when they come they never get away. . .

Leaving him was the best decision, u know why? Cause you are a queen and deserve to be treated as such. . .

A relationship is meant to be enjoyed not endured. . . Just keep encouraging yourself. It'll hurt, you'll feel ur world is down. . . But u wake up one morning and realise your world was never down. In time dear everything will be fine. . . Time heals all ills.

Try create activities for yourself or try expressing ur feelings in words and write them down, it helped me. . . Smile often even when u feel like crying. . . Take strolls and see natures. . . Don't jump quickly to a new relationship. . . Take your time.

Your prince charming will come for you. . .

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I am so sorry for what you have experienced and been hurt so much! 5 years is a huge loss but you deserve so much better. You have to believe that you deserve to be treated like a queen. You deserve everything good in the relationship. Its his loss. Let him suffer and go with one of his other girls. Please take care and treasure yourself! Try to be strong and not go back cos you know exactly what he will do.

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guys flirt, or did u catch him red-handed?

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Absolutely! being inlove is gr8 but don't waste ur love on somebody who doesn't deserve it. Don't stay in rela/ship just to save face, stay cos both of u got something special going on.

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Tnk u guys so much, I KNOW I deserve better, and just pray that God knowing my heart, will bring to me wat I deserve and can handle. Thnks

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Take it from a man(Justwise)

Things will come around. It may take you longer than weeks. For some it is months and others a year or so. He will come around to beg like he always does but you've got to stand firm! No body deserves to be treated like that. 5 and half years is a long time so go through all the emotions. Please don't jump into any relationship soon.

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Don't worry, you will be ok with time, going back to him is just to let urself down. I went through such thing, it was hard for the first 2-3 weeks but trust me it was the best decision i ever made.

Don't make urself the second best and NO not all men cheat, some do yes but there are alot of decent men out there.

Don't settle for rubbish cos u can do better than that.

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Find something to engage your mind and cry if you feel like doing that. You made a rookie mistake which is thinking that those sort of behavior will change.

They never really do. The pain will lessen with time and things will come together with time.

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tnx guys, was watching the TV and ddnt even realise I was crying, it hurts so much, Ur right, and I know going back should nt be an option as he will not change, i know that, tx, will try n find a way out of this one,

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No one (guy or girl) deserves to be with someone who does not value her enough to be with only her. You don't need any guy to make you feel happy or loved.

If you keep going back, he will never change. If you turn your back totally, you're giving him the opportunity to change.

Go out, do things you've always wanted to do. Push yourself.

Guys can be horrible but the same goes for girls.

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