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Where Did I Go Wrong With My Boyfriend In This Situation?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We’ve had our ups and downs which involved him cheating and me finding out, but we worked things out. Things have been going well until he suddenly began to distance himself from me. The communication began sliding down. I’ll call him, he’s busy and all that without even seeing for about 2-3 months, even when I needed help, just wanted to see his reaction, he failed me. All these happened for 2-3 months. After, he began calling me, of cause I didn’t want to see him but we finally met and he broke down, crying that he knows he had failed me, I should pray to God to forgive him for me and I should, that I’m the only woman that has stood by him and loved him. I forgave him after a while but still didn’t find answer as to why he could distance himself for that long without any reasonable reason to someone he claimed he loved. His reply to that was Sorry and it would never happen again.

Though things were going much better than ever, I decided to see if I could find answers through his face book in which I suspected a particular lady that they could be more than friends. She is an actress though not popular and they’ve been friends for so long

So I opened an account with a different name and set the profile picture with my boyfriend and I and before 5 mins, that particular lady and her friend had asked me for a friend request. She then changed her pic to one which she and my bf had taken at an event, also during that period when he distanced himself and acting strange, also added new pics of just him. Under one of them she wrote “Me and my baby”. Other people made comments such as “cute couple” and all that love words. Of cause I was crushed, and then called my bf immediately, he didn’t pick up. Next day, he called me and started yelling at me, that "I disrespected him, by putting the pic without his permission, called me all names and told me “it was over” to leave him alone, I've killed all the feelings he had for me, he loved me so much and im doing all these. All these he did through the phone. I sent him messages, was that why he treated me the way he did during that period, and why he would be so mad to that extent just because of a pic except he had something with the lady which he denied?

Guys, how would you react to your lady if she does something like this? Would you be angry or sorry? Where did I go wrong in this situation?

Ladies, what would you do in this situation?

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207 answers

The bleeping ba$tärd is just being defensive...free dat guy he wil continue to snitch u

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why wasting nl bandwith for goodness sake?

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@Diva, dis story is a sad one n d guy is just plain pathetic bt U̶̲̥̅̊ need to stop doing this  urself! Wen I started readg dis post, I could feel ur pain bt after a whilt it bcam annoyg cz some "nt so gud posts" were makg U̶̲̥̅̊ talk crazy, he already cheated n U̶̲̥̅̊ saw d signs babe bt I gues U̶̲̥̅̊ were too in love to do somethg abt it, U̶̲̥̅̊ shouldn't av taken sorry as an answer wen U̶̲̥̅̊ asked him abt d initial distance. U̶̲̥̅̊ don't expect a relationship 2 move forward wen U̶̲̥̅̊ dnt discuss issues properly. As for d fake acct, U̶̲̥̅̊ went 2 far bt den, its d silly guy's fault cz he pushed U̶̲̥̅̊ 2 dat level bt den again, its ur fault 4 allowg him. I jst want 2 tell U̶̲̥̅̊ dat u shd stop tryg 2 make sense of wat he did cz he is a loser n U̶̲̥̅̊ deserve better than dat n d last thg U̶̲̥̅̊ need nw is a guy makg u think unnecessarily, jst see dis as a blessing 4rm God(U̶̲̥̅̊ kud av bn married 2 him wc wud av bn worse), see this as gud riddance to bad rubbish n enjoy ur life, its part of d growg process! He taught U̶̲̥̅̊ sumthgs U̶̲̥̅̊ wnt ignore in ur future relationships. Takcre

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@diva stay physicaly in and emotionaly out of d r/ship.u need 2 harden your heart a bit so u could tolerate any poo from dis our testestreone brodas.tak hart luv,belive u me is one of dose stages of life.

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@diva1,

It's so sad u had to go thru these.I asked in one thread i posted if i could exchange u for my girlfriend and that cos u seem to have a very good heart.Listen,ur boyfriend is a real jackass! You did absolutely nothing wrong.Just move on cos u truly deserve something better.

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If ur story is fair, and he behaved like that, then it's unfair but then let go of him, he is not yours, a better man is on his way, i've seen him, take heart.

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My sister, u never went wrong, but obviously, u r hurtin, u have every right to, u guy has gone off wit anoda woman and no matta how painful it is, u have to let go, am in a similar situation, my gurl has gone off wit anoda man too, and am trying to forget her while hurting as hell, he may come bak, wen his fling with his actress collapses, but once anoda actress comes, he'l be off again, move on, its difficult, but then wats easy in this life, d same advice am givin is the same am still struggling to implement in my own life, be brave

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I never really wanted to comment on the subject matter but I must break my resolve.

sistawoman

You are Wonderful.

@Poster

Get on with your Life,Open the doors of your Heart and permanently chase the NitWit out.

One day,True Love will come your way and you will look back and from the bottom of your Heart you will say I AM BLESSED.

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well you've got to belive in God and hope for the best ok.

But wait a bit can it be that your boyfriend is seeing another lady?, well do you know there is a program that can alow you to actually have an access into your boyfriend mobile phone . Note the phone must have bluetooth. And you can actually hacked into his mobile, make calls, send sms, read message, and sniffs into his privacy and i tell you you, you have an un parallel control over his mobile.

well if you want this programe you can a s well contact me through this number 08066920770, and we'll definitelly explain the detail to you

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He's still being sorry, but i didn't pay much attention. So after some days, I asked him about the money, I loaned him and he said he was sorry he doesn't have it and I should not be mad, then Next day, I texted him about us seeing that I wanted to talk to him in person and he said, Ok, he would come. I texted him about what time he was available and he then replied that he was somewhere else, that he had an appointment, he was sorry, that he will let me know.

I'm mad, that he didn't tell me earlier on and now the money issue is coming back to my head. I don't know if i should bring up the money issue again, then move on or what?

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@Diva1

am glad you are moving on girl and i wish you the best of luck

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this thread never still end

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diva1,u've done nuffin wrong okay?i know ow painful it wil b 4 u 2 accept dys bt ,free d guy 4 now.i bliv wat wil b wil surely b show him u can b without him he doesn't worth u dear.

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u have gotten more than enough advices what are u still replying and posting here for?

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Sister, he isn't serious about you.Cut him off.You didn't do nothing wrong.He wants to have you and have what's outside.Dont quarrel.Just give him a lot of space while breaking up with him silently (cant believe i said that, lol)

Gradually put him into the "friends" cabinet and discontinue all intimacy even if it means you have to scream at the top of your lungs to alert everyone.He'll get the message and do all he can to "earn" you back as a "trophy".Dont give in.He's worthless.(Cant believe i said that again, lol)

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@Sistawoman,

Thanks a lot for your advice. It was really deep and touching. I hope to use this to help myself heal faster. You are really a wonderful person.

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Did he or is he thinking about that too? Isn;t meant to be a two way thing? What about him also trying to make it workif he is interested despite the fact i apologised?

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I feel that your 3year old relationship is too long to let go cause of such a trivial issue. you stated in your post that he has cheated on you before and you guys worked it out. i will suggest that you also work this out.

all those girls telling you to move on will run head over heels at your guy if he smiles at them, believe me.

so if you feel that the guy is yours then go get him.

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diva, one of the most respected and experienced women on here

has given u deep n candid advice

the ball is in ur court

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sistawoman

those words of advice are very deep!

you are a wonderful person and i hope

diva1 can learn a thing or two from you

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My dear sista,

You will never get the closure you need from him. At this point he NEEDS to feel like the victim to make what he is doing to you seem right. He NEEDS to feel like the victim so that he can continue the r/s with the other woman.

You did nothing wrong, this was not about you. This falls squarely on his shoulders. This was all about him.

I am so happy that you found out what type of husband he will make in the future. You can count your lucky stars that you found out now and not after marriage or after he gave you an STD or had a baby outside. I am happy that you know now before he brought home another woman to introduce to you as your Jr.

He is angry because the gig is up. He is angry because you caught him. He is angry because despite his best efforts to keep the two worlds apart they still collided.

Take note people: Everything done in the dark will come to light. Just like the sun circles the earth so must it do for you.

I know you want your questions answered. I know you want to know how/why can a person who you have been there for so much could ever turn their backs on you. I know you feel like you're a great catch, a wonderful women, will be a fab. wife and mother but he traded that in.

Just know that karma is a Dam and she will bite him in the Bottom.

Dont fret because you gave 60% to the relationship then him. Just know that with every failed relationship you clearly define what type of man you want and what you will not tolerate.

People are put in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime:

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

it is usually to meet a need

you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty,

to provide you with guidance and support,

to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part

or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something

to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met,

our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered

and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON,

it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;

those things you must build upon

in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson,

love the person/people (anyway);

and put what you have learned to use in all

other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

~Author Unknown

Please read and re-read this poem it is very very true.

He maybe the one that God sent to you to prepare you for the one that is meant for you.

W/O all the hurt that I have experience in life with regards to men not meeting my expectations, not loving me how I needed to be loved and breaking my heart; I would not appreciate the love that I have with and for my husband. I would not value what we have and I would have never known what true love feels, tastes, looks and acts like.

Take a man break. Focus on you, only you. Find yourself, your voice. Make a list of negotiables and non-negotiables and share that list with your next bf.

I am sorry that he did this to you. But know this for certain:

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!

If you have anything that belongs to him pack them send him on final text message letting him know the time and date they will be available for pick up. Let him know in that final text message that he should not contact you any further and if he is not able to pick up his items at the designated time and place that they will be put in the trash, send him this information via email as well, then block his email address, block his FB page. Delete his number from your phone, pack his things, clean your house then clean your mind.

Cut all contact. Send his calls str8 to voicemail.

Cry girl, let it out. 3 years is a long time to be with someone. Play the sad music, send your friends away, pull out your diary and get it all out and forgive him. Then close that chapter in your life and move on.

When he comes begging let him know that his wares can no longer be sold in your shop.

There will be a day that will come that you will not think about him at all. At that point you will know you're healed and ready for a new r/s. Dont rebound that is unfair to you and the other person. Heal completely and wholly. Look at this r/s and be completely honest about your faults as well; this is hard and can only be done with some distance; work on those things or acknowledge those faults and accept them.

If someone cant treat you right, love you back and see your worth LET IT GO.

You are clearly hurting and that is expected, dont wallow in it, use it to fuel your healing.

I wish you the best as you move past him and on to the one God has designed for you.

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You are right but it's just like some1 dropping up something by mistake and you picking it up to return it, only for someelse to just see you picking it up and accuse u as a thief for stealing and you had no chance of expressing yourself. Even if u decide to ignore and move on, deep down in ur heart, it's like unfinished business, if u know wat I mean.

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I did accept his errors to take him back doesn't mean I didn't want to know what happened during that period. It's possible for him to apologise to me and still be doing his thing, afterall when he cheated, he was still loving but I had to find out an it came like a shock to me.

Have u asked me why it's this particular lady amongst all the others I had to find out, cos I know my instincts and she made me even made me suspect more.

And if you think I went far, what is so difficult that even if he was so mad to this extent, he couldn't talk to me, calmly or something.

I personally don't think I did wrong or he should be very offended and mad to this extent. My crime here was just putting a PICTURE OF US with a fake name and perhaps the lady saw it and told him.

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@Ulua and PeeJee

Thanks and I also agree not because of only all he had done, but also the way he is handling the situation, however, I still feel the right thing is to talk and say my mind out in peace then move on, else, i would be moving on with questions and confusion and that could take forever to heal.

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I really understand where you are coming from, Cos I know until I say everything and talk to him, it wouldn't be easy to start moving on. It's best to talk but I on't understand where you say bad choices. What bad choices did I make in this situation?

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Ulua is right u guys are not meant for each other. Just move on and put ur next relationship in prayers good luck.

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@ Poster,

I've read thru this whole post and i really feel for you, but i think its time for you to move on ok, stop asking questions, stop replying posts cause u'll just be opening up old wounds, simply move on, and the best you can do for your self is to forgive him, cause thats when the healing starts, if you can stay away from his FB profile, good, cause u might see updates that will hurt you. ,

And its up to u to take him back if he comes begging and if he dosnt, u just take it like that.

so get up and get goingggggggggggg

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@Poster,

My response might hurt u, but it is the fact. Am reacting based on ur story and not as a man. U told us dat after u guys met, he appologisesd to u. This means accepting his errors and also asked to pray 4 him dat God will 4giv him.

Secondly, u said dat 4rm den, things became better or normal again. I think u should have be more contented at dat but u went ahead to dig out some other things. What do u want to kw what u r not supposed to kw. There r some facts that if u come to kw as a woman instead of solving ur problems, it will multiply it.

Lastly, do u mean to tell me that u ve never flirted online. U may not meet the person live, but flirt wt him online.

So went rather far. Its not wise. He has now shown d man that is in him. If u still love him, go and appologise. I beliv u offended him IMHO

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Let that boy mature and find a more stable lifestyle.  For now, that's the most important help you can render him.  He is going through a phase that has absolutely nothing to do with you, so don't blame yourself for his behavior towards you. It just so happens as fate would have it that you are the one getting hurt deeply in this mayhem. Advice you to move on with your beautiful life. There is more on his plate right now than trying to work out your broken relationship.

Remember that infamous quote:  If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was yours to begin with.

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diva

i think one thing to hold on to in dis ordeal is to now dat yu av made some serios mistakes dat yu wld neva make in any relationship again(weder dis one or anyone to come). also its a gud thing dat yu know dis and also know dat you need to heal not from dis relationship but from bad choices yu av made. understanding yurself more will help yu find peace.

i think you shld wait for a while and intrest yurself in things yu ve always wanted to do like some1 sugested(waiting time depends on you)

after which yu are satisfied with yur level of strength yu can now make yur way to him irrespective of weda he wants to see yu or not gather all yu can from him with an open mind and say yur piece(wiaeva it leads shldnt be a bother-yu re on a hunt of emancipation becos i tell yu if yu dnt do dis, yu will be tied to him for a long time to come and it will affect yur oda ones wen yu decide to allow some1 into yur life again-its a sunconscious thing).

i think i beliv dat yu ll do well really-i can feel it alredy. just take yur time. and i must commend you too at the same time for being civil, shows the level of maturity yu hav-its a virtue yu dnt find in most women(kip it)

and as for most oda women on NL with the send him off attitude- yu shld lern summin from dis gal, yu shld lern summin from dis ordeal cos most of yu are now cynical not becos of men but becos of the bad choices, the things yu took for granted with them. in the end the bulk of the fault lies with you.

neva take anytin with levity just like yu shldnt take GOD for granted neve bbe careless with yurslef in a relationship-dats was the problem of diva's relationship she was carreless toa point dat it became a problem

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Thanks, I believe the end is God to take control. I can only start by believing myself to heal.

@Bluespice

Thanks, I believe like you said, he felt I was and would always be there for him.

@Big_bumper

Thanks a lot, like you said what stops us from moving on is fear of the unknown which I wouldn't lie, i feel the same way. But I believe no matter how hard it is to have faith, that God would see me through at the end.

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Bluespice, although you're right to be very conscious and critical of Diva1's behavior, I don't blame her for acting the way she did, because love has a funny way of toying with our minds. The silly chemicals that circulate through our body when we feel deeply about another sort of makes it difficult to employ a rational approach to seeing that this relationship is a complete disaster to her.

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Poster what more do u want to hear?

look the more u reply to this topic the more depressed and desperate u sound

move on!

its hard to do but u can start by not bringing up the relationship or lack of when he comes to give u ur money

he's right now a person u know giving u back money he owes

the sooner u get it that he cheated twice an has broken up with u,

the sooner u'll start healing

quit trying to get into his head

its a very toxic approach to ur break-up

im no genius at relationship matters but

this is really a very open-shut case

he cheated u found out,

came back begging u accepted

went mute for 3 months with no explanation

came back begging u accepted again

now u did something minute say breach of privacy

he flares up n breaks up

gurl move on!

he never had ur interest at heart

knew u would always be there no matter what

time u shook things up

do that thing u always wanted to do

cut ur hair, dye it

go on a vacation

anything to get ur mind off this situation

3 years would hurt like a motherfcuker but u will out grow the pain

the longer u sit n brood the longer it will take for u to heal

my 2 fils

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at poster,

he should not have acted like that. he is not worth ur time. he should of talked to you bout how he was feeling. he can't have it all

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@all are we trying to help this sista or we wanna confuse her d more. Some posts are begining to refresh this wound.

@diva pls take some time and find something you love doing. Don't try and think why he did all this to you, believe me it's a waste of your mental capabilities. Focus on more constructive habits instead of crying ova spilt milk. And also don't make the mistake of hating him, you'll just be giving him too much power over you. Find your answers, forgive then move to the next level. God will always watch over you.

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I don't understand why you continue giving this rascal the benefit of the doubt.

If these dumb Bottom cheaters would actually stop to think about what they would lose for the sake of a silly Bottom fling or a quick fork with a meaningless jump off, then maybe they would stop just short of doing it. But a lot of them are selfish punks who usually fail to take into consideration other people's feelings before acting like brutes. They don't consult their faculty to think of the grave damage and hurt caused by their quick nutt to boost their flagging ego.

Diva, since it seems you want this Naughty Person by any means necessary, why don't you go ahead and camp out at his home until he gives you the attention you're seeking.

LOL

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@Big_bumper

Yes you are right and I still have so many unanswered questions, which I think clarifying will make me move on faster. I agree with everything you've said.

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I've always been so patient and this is where it le me to. Whether I bring up the money issue now or till eternity, he isn't communicating with me. I had wanted to talk first and when everything is settled, to bring out the issue but it doesn't look like he wants 2 hear from me and yes if this is the only way i can assure myself to communicate n talk to him n get my money at the same time, then it's good for me.

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I don't think it is right to bring up the issue of money you loan him at this time. But if that is the only way you can bring him out to talk, then it is ok. To be honest with you, I am at lost with the increasing complexity of the matter. And it may end in break up, if you are not careful. As a rule, I recommend you apply Occham Razor theory in addressing your situation.

Try seperate "loan" from "reconciliation." If you need your money that bad, please don't mix money with love when you are in crisis.

There are difference type of men, it make no sense to generalise how they will react in a peculiar circumstance. That was why I keep saying that "you know him better."

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I agree with you. I know I put in most effort maybe 80-20%.

@Olanajim

what does that mean?

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The free will God gave you does not make you a 'must-marry' to any man. Both of you must make it work. Anything short of this is bondage.

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Neither, it was the girl herself I found out from, when I confronted him, he then told me with his mouth what had happened.

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Sorry for the 1001 questions, when he cheated initially, was it a one night stand or what? Was it you that caught him in the act or did he confess out of the blue? The answer don't really matter anyway, i am just trying to work a few things round in my head.

She lent him some money when he was broke.

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Is the money you are talking about, your own or his own?

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No he hasn't except yesterday when I texted about the money,

@agaba123

He wants you to call him first before showing up, though I have shown up just like that twice or thrice.

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The book was published in US. So you can get it. Try google it out and see if you can get a free copy.

Hmmm, I don't know you guy, I am not a miracle man. I can only know if I know his character traits which were not available. Let him tell you when he is coming. But first evaluate yourself before anything.

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he doesn't want anybody to just show up at his house . . .lol

The guy na player.

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Before I say anything, after the facebook episode where he lashed out at you and told you it was over, has he been in touch civilly since then?

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