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Who Do I Settle For? I Need Help , Time Is Running Out.

I have read a lot on NL and felt its a place to to get a little help. i am 26 female doctor currently in the US on a graduate program. Before comming to the States , I had boyfriend who incidently wanted to marry me  before leaving , but because i was bent on furthering my career, i had to go. Although he is nice, good looking , had a good job in the bank, he is older than me by 15yrs.

Before that guy , I had a boyfriend in the university that was in medical school with me, we broke up  but still kept in touch even after he left for the states for the same program  which i am now. Though not in the same city. some where northeast USA. He loves me ( But i dont think he is the way i do for him), and had done so much for me too, like helping with admission process and all the info needed to come in.

Then, here comes the third guy whom i never in my wildest dream will ever meet. He is nice, good looking and very caring. infact he can go extra lenght to do anything for me. This guy in question is married and currrently seperating from his wife for reasons thats medically related on the wife not able to concieve. The pressure has been on him by his parents, that i never believed him until one day he got a call from home while having dinner in a resturant. He was so terified that for once i knew the situation was getting serious.

Let me say that my boyfriend in North east has finally finished the program and has move down to metro Atlanta and decided to move in with me instead of staying with his relation. The situation was such that i couldnt say no to his moving in because of the relationship i have with him. But considering that the guy i met here  is thinking of settling down and have what i actually needed, I am in a confused state. To prove to me how serious he was he called my snr sister about it and want me to give a go ahead to conclude things back home.

I am loosing him cos he cant stand the fact that i have a man at home with me. I do love and care for him but my northeasterner is on me too. I dont know what to do. He is getting tired of waiting and dont want to hurt him either. he has not done any wrong to me and the guy i have at home dont wanna see it happen either. 

What do i do?. I want to get married , settle, file for my papers and live a good life with someone that will love me unconditionally. I doubt if after knowing that i am still seeing the third guy, he will marry me. i know this because he is already making me scared, threat, almost beating me few weeks ago. If he gets on his feet, will he dump me?

Please help.

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19 answers

I smell something here,a guy sometime ago said something about him getting to meet a lady in america through a friend,and the lady he wanted to marry cant give him a child,hence d dissolution,and his parents back home are really disturbing him to get married soon.The same guy said he met a girl in US,and the lady has got a bf in medical school,and has another bf too.And so so many things that really matches what d poster just described. Are we sure the poster is not the person the guy was talking about? If he's d one,just marry yourselves ok,cos both of u really needed advice and i think its better that way

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@TBaby

At the risk of name-calling, are u not being selfish, self-absorbed and self-centered. If u're really truthful with urself, seems u're only out to gain something from ur situation. Obviously the man is one of ur patients. Are u telling me, it's no longer safe to have female doctors? What, How, where and even when did u prove that he is 'ok'. Kai, Im seriously restraining myself from using derogatory words on u. For crying out loud, u are only 26 at least that was the age u gave why the desperation?

In the first place, why did u agree to date someone 15 years older than u are. I think you are battling with insecurity and low-self esteem. seems you are attracted to father-figure (i.e men who can play the role of father in your life. Watch ursef. Seems u're the one with the problem, not any of them.  Like someone earlier advised, what goes around. Joy to the Wise I refuse to be a fool cos *I think thatz what u wanna willingly be*

Let it be said that Ashaby has spoken her piece!

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Good luck and I hope you do the right thing for everyone involved.

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baby,

It seems you are bit greedy cos you believe that you can have it both ways by keeping two men and using them interchangeably? you are leaving with a guy who has got no baggage like the other guy who is married and you are loosing sleep over him. I think it's an  infatuation for the married guy. Maybe you can go sleep with him and calm your nerves. First of all he is married and trying to get a divorce from his wife. do you know how long it will take? do you really know if he is the problem not his wife? Since its a fertility problem as you said, can he show you any medical evidence to back up his claim that he is medically potent? Why do some women want to believe they can always change a guy. What if he's telling about his divorce in order to sleep with you if he hasn't done so. What is it about  women that most of them cant seem  to push the right buttons whenever a stranger-man- stammers " I love you" I am having the same problem with my sister who is not asking the right questions to her bf.

My best friend got married in 1987 and his wife will deliver for the first time twins by next week. No kid for the past 22yrs even though they adopted a kid less than 3yrs ago. So get it in your head that you are not looking for a boyfriend who will go to your high school prom with you but a man who is going to stick by you all through.

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You want to be with a man who left his wife? Just b'cos she didn't give birth. Someday he may be leaving you for some reason too.

I've seen marriages of 15 yrs before the first child came. Thats what marriage is about, thick and thin. Look before you leap.

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seriously, as a doctor, how do u have time for three men?

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lady u re BIG PLAYER

sleeping with anybody dat comes ur way and u re talking of dumping u. u dont know wat u want for urself

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I will like to reply to the contributions so far. Life is not perfect and thats why I am stil giving the married one a chance. I am in the medical feild and i know when lab test comes back good or bad. The wife have done several surgeries and age was not her side either. Infact the test confirmed that he was okay. I proved it my self and i dont need to explain here.

There is mutual agreement between them and they have to go their ways.

I dont know how long i have to live under such condition. thanks for all the contributions so far.

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@TBaby12,

1. If your so called married guy could leave his wife of many years on grounds of "not being able to conceive" ignoring the "for better for worse" oath, then I wonder if he is the guy that will stick with a woman if she has a problem that can only be solved divinely. Ask yourself thi question and answer honestly. If you marry this guy and you end up no t being able to conceive or some form of medical condition (I forbid that for you), WILL HE STICK BY YOU TILL THE END?

I guess you know the answer. So, to me, he is out of the way.

2. The naija guy is an ok guy, nice, good looking etcetera etcetera but he is in Naija, no matter how much you love or want him, the distance between you guys is the obstacle and gap which the Northeasterner is gladly filling. I am even so sure if you marry the naija guy, this northeasterner will still be able to melt you down anyday anytime (you know what I mean) cos he knows you wella.

So, I think out goes the naija guys.

3. We have on candidate left. You can do many things,

i. Count your losses and move on

ii. Discard all of them in the name of fairness and start all over again

iii. Use the elimination criteria above or

iv. Pray and Fast for 3 days and seek God's guidance.

I wish you well.

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I dont understand what's confusing abt this. . .

you are obviously more inclined to a married man, the fact that he is STILL married is reason enough to 'MIND THE GAP'.

You shouldnt even be emotionally involved in the first place, remember whatever goes around comes around.

Man wey wan beat person? dem dey consider that one? and u neva enter him house o! Marry him and you may have saved him gym fees. . . because y pay for a gym wen you've got an 'object' of practice live in?

As per getting paper, financial security etc. . . there's nothing more liberating than knowing you can stand alone, you dont need anyone to provide for you, and there's alot more ways to getting ur papers.

But I guess Laziness makes us choose the easiest option that would be detrimental in the long run.

My Advice: Break free of 'em all, work on urself first. You'll find how easy it all becomes!

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Why the many criss cross? Please free yourself from these men so that you can see clearly to make a good choice and stop living a complicated life. Remember a lady should live her with dignity and honour.

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This story seems very familia, anywaz~ @ Poster, Let's get this straight, one guy is 15yrs older than you (lol) the other guy is divorcing his wife cos she can't conceive ( so if you can't conceive he'll drop you too) and the last guy is living off you and beating or about to beat you. hmmmmmmmm.

Okay, i'll get back to you when i try and figure out whats confusing you!

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Be honest. This is your basket of problems:

1. you want to marry for papers

2. you want to settle in the US

3. you really don't care about any of these men, rather you are looking for who can provide most of your selfish needs

You sound like a very manipulating person ~~~ that is the REAL problem.

On your bike. . .

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"almost physical" sorry , Almost can lead to definite so please be careful

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Did they wed in the church?

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@ Okra soup,

The one i met in the states has all i need in life. althoug not my tribe unlike the rest. But the loving one is having a tight grip on me. and almost becoming physicall. i have to call from the bathroom if i want to reach the Atlantan or when he is not around.

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@ Igwe.

I dont want to close his chapter because he and his wife has agreed to divorce and its proceeding  the normal way. its going to be final next month. Its not his fault if it didnt work out. I think he still deserve to be treated as a person.

I dont know if he will still believe me and trust  me after i have made him go through those period. Its had to find a man living with someone you want to have a serious relationship with.

I love him but i dont know what to do to get the Northeasterner out. i have to settle down. The Atlantan has all i needed and very caring like i said in my thread.

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if the divorcé  wedded the divorced wife in a christian way, i'd advice you close his own chapter asap.

brb

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@Tbaby12

I wish you the best.

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