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Why are so many African marriages breaking up abroad?.

Many marriages are breaking up because of finances and some men are killing their spouses and some women are sending men into bankruptcy in the west. I think pre-nuptial agreement is the way to g

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Proud? A lot of the issues are not a matter of being proud. If you want a wife, go get one and if you need a slave, go get one too but you don't expect to have both in the same person. Submission is not surrender.

What is being proud? What is the religious injunction about marriage?

I know a lot of naija men here that expect their wife to toil and expect them not to have any say in the house because they are the men? That doesnt make sense to me. If you don't want your wife to be "proud" and have a say in the say in the house ask her to sit her asz down in the house and make all the money.

When your forefathers had domineering influence in the house, they provided for their families and the wife kept the home. How many of these men can keep their wives at home? Somethings have to give. You don't expect your wife to bring half of the money in the house and still expect to be dictating everything and how things have to work.

Yes some women have their faults too but in most cases that I have seen it is the men that wanted to have the control like they are in their village.

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When a man or woman leave the way of God and start following the doctrine of men. If you dont listen to your husband and you become proud . You would end up the same.

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The response here are so funny.

I have lived here in the US for 12 years and I am married for 5. Most of my friends are married too.

A lot of us Nigerian men are so hypocritical, that is why most marriages are failing.

You want you wife to be sharing of the bills, both of you work 9-5 or work out of the house with kids and you expect your wife to still slave and do most of the work in the house. C'mon! These women are no superwoman, they are human like you. I know so many Nigerian Marriages that are on the brinks now because of the chauvinism.

You guys have to understand how the female friendly laws in the west came to be. Their society was similar to ours at one point in time until it got to the brink and the laws had to be made to protect women. Of course so many people abuse the laws but I think it generally it made their society for it. I talk to some of my childhood female friends in Nigeria, the stories I hear are too surreal. I don't rule it out that these people will not file for divorce if they have female friendly laws and supportive society like they have here.

Many women live in very abusive marriages in naija (emotionally or physically or both) and the women didnt have anywhere to go.

I don't support divorce in any way of form but I will support my sister or daughter if she is in that situation and needs to get out. It is better being single than being married and living in hell.

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I don't thik there could be a better answer.

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I have a friend whose wife of more than 20 years living in US threatened him with divorce. My friend hired a lawyer to throw her out of his life permanently. She tried to retract but the harm had been done. The system abroad encourages single parents and women are actively encouraged to divorce their husbands at the least provocation especially when they are at economic advantage - or they perceive that the venture could prove lucrative in terms of alimony and related settlement. Our women living abroad need more education of the right kind. Many behave like village girls who have just ben brought to Lagos and trying exceedingly hard to look funky so that nobody will know that they are fresh from the village - and you know they always overdo it with disastrous consequences.

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Marriages are really c.rap anyway. There is more than 90% probability that one partner is going to wake up one day and say hey I am not enjoying this anymore. Should I spend all the rest of my life in this mess ? It might be caused by one of a hundred possible reasons . Many go into adultery and eventually towards divorce. In Nigeria the extended family, church, friends are always at hand to prevent total collapse. Outside and abroad you don't have this and so the possibility that the divorce will occur is high. I have never seen a couple who have been married long enough and not once thought of a breakup - ask your parents. Most marriages are actually held together by children , without children no amount of intervention can save a marriage on the way out.

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Cause when some narrow-minded and foolish Nigerians

travel abroad they adopt the white people's way of thinking

and then they go and seek for a divorce.

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well if men and women werent doin silly poo like cheatin on their wives/husbands then maybe they wouldnt be getting divorces so much---and i dont think its just in the west like u put it, it could be anywhere! look at all those nigerian men cheating and messing around their wives IN nigeria, i think what you meant when u sed why are so many african marriages breaking up, u should have just put nigerian marriages b/c it seems like all nigerian couples are in a big fat mess.

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This is a powerful and nice thread, there are few reason why i think marriages abroad are falling apart,

1. Toughness of the couple realizing where they are, when you in rome, u behanve like rome, but that dont make u romans, what i mean is that, in abroad, nt easy for the man alone to cater for the family, one income might not be enuf, but the man wanna be a macho man, and carry all the buden alone, he is dying inside and he still remember the advice of the old grandma, that says " a real man dont cry" meanwhile, she is your wife, why dont u go to her and say, Hon, i ave tried alone, but it aint falling into place, tell her that the water don pass gari, dont suffer within for nothing, cos the man is made to process within, and after all teh processing, some men dont know how to come out again, and such men is lost forever, now he carried out his frustration on the woman fr what she never knew about, such men will have to get 2 jobs and cant stay home no more to see teh kids and the wife, and the wife wil start complaing and the man wikll get mad and one day the rope will snap.

2. The ladies wanna be a roman cos they are now in rome, forgeting that they are african, and no matter how much u try to coil your tongue to talk, no matter how much u cream ur sin to look white, u will never be one, so now when the husband is wrong, they talk to him anyhow, and threaten the husband with a phone call to the police, and a man that knows what is good for him, will mark that day as the doom of such marriage

3. The woman wanna enjoy both the good of african culture and that of western world, she wants the man to cater for all in da house and at same time for the man to wash the dishes and clean the house, i dont think that is fair, you wanna be a westerner, that is kool, then, the bill in da house, shuld be 50;50 split, and she wanna be an african, make food for your man and clean up, then, the man take care of the bill, that being said, i am not saying that men shuldnt help in da house oh, haba, help ur wife, make her feel good and appreciated.

4. Western culture has made marriage terrible, cos most kids cant touch the kids and the kids knows it, so that gives the man so much challenges and can ruin the home

5. The family is too busy all in da name of making money to take care of the household, and they dont send time no more, and the man start looking outside and likewise the man, so home is gone to the dogs

6. Most kids are raised by baby sitters and home is wrecked

7. Extended family back home in nigeria think money grows on apple tree and putting too much pressure on the married couple is a surety to kill the home

well, what do i know, i am just Rhino

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Hmm. . .That's why our parents will always say 'Olorun a se yin no ore arayin pepe o' -Make God make u both friends for a v.long time.

Marriage should be based on mutual understanding.It is an institution on its own.

The reason most marriages break is due to the facts that

-They didnt get to know each other well,Some people just rush to the alter when the love is intoxicating them like palm-wine.

-Some couples are old when talking about age but aint matured at heart.

-Most marriages becomes disastrous when child-bearing comes into the picture. For Nigerians who do not believe in sending their Children back home for solid upbrining,this really affects them.Because,for example,husband and wife are both working on a full-time basis. By the time they get back home form work,they will be so tired. Children needs Parents attention,Father needs wife's attention but aint getting none. From this stage,wahala erupts and leads to something else.

-Most marriages that breaks are also due to the fact that some got married because A and B are married without knowing what A and B went through or are going through'

-Lack of communication is also a factor.

For a marriage to also be firm,the foundation should be based on spiritual belief. Imagine a believer and an unbeliever getting married. The believer tries all he/she could do try win this soul for God but all to no avail,dont u think that this unbeliever will one day do something silly.

Seriously yeah,any marriage that is not ordained from heaven tends to go down the rough lane

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she no sabi say the guy go dey use am as boxing sparring partner before them marry? biko spare me tales by moonlight

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simple! bicos they got married abroad that's why?

And for the people back home, i can only say, whoever divorce his wife or husband, may thunder fire am!! sungo strike am!! they are all copy cat.

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well this topic intrest me so i had to add a few words, many africans travell abroad with an african mind, thoughts and expectations, they want to be incharge, in control, the man of the house, they sometimes want to africanize the women forgetting she's from another race and would need a lot of time to adjust, i wouldn't want to say much, but one thing a man should know is that, what makes a man a real man, is not how strong or how in control you are, but how able you are to manage your relationship with your wife, a woman is like an egg, no matter what they are meant to be broken and and th same time taken with care, come heaven and earth a woman can never be a man. so we men should understand one fact, the day you got married, that day you have given half of your freedom to her to control, marraige is about team work.

hey if your woman is cheating on you, common! we always look younger the older we become, but for a woman no matter what someone will definetely know the hole has been tampered with,somy advice is when you get married,do it as much as ou can, make it a dialy routine, but be protective, don't go about having childen you can't keep,show the woman that despite your age, your rod is still as active as ever and even though she leaves you for another, somewhere somehow another woman will want the same service. okay men: be a man, take good care of your woman and give her all the respect she desires,

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so many african marraige are breaking down abroad because a lot of Nigerian men wont leave their traditional way and get with the system. Number one, the system favors women more than men generally and some men don't know how to deal with that. Some still see marriage the way their father saw it years ago in Nigeria. guys! the rule has changed.

The rule states you have to help your way in some ways not just sitting your fat Bottom watching TV while you expect your wife to labor away in the kitchen.

The worst part of this is guys that go to Nigeria to bring a wife to the west thinking they can still control them when they bring them here. It just doesnt happen again. There is a guy that I know that anytime he and his wife has a problem, he would threaten the wife that he would chase her outta of the house. Of course it didnt take time for the wife to know he couldnt do that and one heated situation one day the wife called 911 and he was bounced off the house. You have to be really close to the family to know what kind of verbal/emotional abuse the woman has been going through. Ordinarily people would say, "he brought her to the US, see how she treats him now". Not know the woman had no other choice but to do that.

I know someone that insisted his wife has to cook for him in the morning when the wife resumes work at like 6am and she had to leave home at around 5:15am to get to work. How unrealistic can that get. For her to get out of the house by she had to wake up like around 4am to get the kids ready while the father is sleeping away. What stops the hubby from preparing himself breakfast? for someone to wake up at around 4am, what time do u expect her to sleep to have enough rest? Of course, they started having trouble and the wife had to call police one day when it became too much for her - The people in Nigeria didnt understand too - Dont know how things work here.

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There are definately valid points to so many of the responses. Men need to know their place in the home and their responsibilities. Women need to know their place in the family and responsibilities. They are really well spelled out in the Bible. God also says that when this balance is changed, then the family will disintegrate. This is what we are seeing. People are sooooo "enlightened" and "modern" that they have forgotten what their roles are in the family to make it strong and work well. btw - I am an American woman married to a wonderful naija man, and we both know what is expected of us to make a very happy home.

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if na so the men bad, make una go dey marry ebo.

and make sure say u come show ya face in 10yrs' time make we see where you don carry life reach

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Abeg bros which society? the one wey women don yansh around with old men when them dey school just for books and weave on? abi the one wey the woman go face ridicule because she no get bon boy?

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Are they not same African men who are being dumped overseas?? Poor African women! They always hope these men will change but still they won't. They have no other choice than to go and find a better life!

Wetin you wan spoil wey nor already spoil for that society? Abeg jo.

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if that's the way they are treated, why do so many of you still crave the African man?

make una just keep una lifestyle for where una dey no come spoil our society to become like una own wey women dey yansh around sake of say dem no get man for house.

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not nearly as much as those abroad

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Hello Cocoa my sister.

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Sounds like your just blaming the woman.

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Don't be fooled; some marriages of certain contemporaries have been hitting the rocks in naija as far back as 1999;these are people in late20's-early 30's!No be for only Yankee or Jand!Make una look ya backyard wella!

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Whether you want to admit it or not, there has to be a head for any family/relationship to work.

Funny enough, family women with kids where I come from are looked on with much more respect than women here in the West. My people say, "Adi abuo gba izu, nwanyi bulu onye ato". Whatever part of Africa you're from where women are disrespected, not from my own part.

Women aren't treated with anymore decency out here unless if jumping from relationship to relationship is your definiton of decency and freedom.

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Why are you so surprised that the rate of divorce is high? Finally women can make use of those rights that she has been denied of in Africa. She is now in the position to decide if she wants to stay in a shitty marriage or not. And talking about African values, morals and so on. I see nothing like that in Africa. I only see a continent where women are treated as inferior entities at the man's avantage. Hypocrisy suits better.

Who knows the reason why only the men are complaining about this westernization? Oh! maybe because they aren't seen as the heads anymore but just as individuals whom women also are.

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to you, your surroundings and your those you know is the perfect representation of the African society

ya daftie

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is loverboy from a background of wife beating men and rapists?

it's not something that happens in my family

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I think i should replace that with Africa, and when i say okay i know what i mean, just like saying molest is okay in nigeria but that will be pushing it

donzman, it's all in the numbers man/percentages/statistics. . . .

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@Loverbwoy

Infidelity and wife beating are NOT okay in Nigeria so I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not sure I've seen a man who beats his wife and people still pay him respect. Even at that, in the West we still have women sticking with men who beat them and cheat on them so stop acting like it's only in Nigeria where women stick with men who treat them like poo!

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moral values?

infidelity, wife beating are okay in Nigeria but divorce is not

If women are not so repressed in Nigeria, I think divorce rate will be in the region of 30-40% considering we are more likely to sort out things through dialogue (religion and other family member),

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I agree. Very high divorce rate among Africans abroad. I believe it's around 50% or so. Which is about the same rate as marriages in the US in general.

In most of these cases Finance and infidelity are usually involved. I guess we just have to remember where we are from, where we have been, and stick to our moral values.

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who cares where she from she(@free)is too petty rite?, damn.

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the answer is not far fetch. breakup is the other of the day. our women seen to 4get our values,even xtain values. no time,just work,work,lookin 4 money and 4getin values. i put the large blame on women. God help us.

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its like a culture there,a nigerian will simply blend.remb.nigerians aint original they tend to copy both good and bad.if they were in their mother land no matter the circumstance majority of em will endure rather than jumpin into a divorce.

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where is Free from?

definitely not a Nigerian

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free if its not worth your while then dont say nothing.How many fleas got in.

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Hmmm, True talk. Most of dis women r influenced by their friends

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Interesting topic,good contrbutions and a bad attitude from the naija women(well not all women)

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Should a man be worshipped when he brings you abroad just to satisfy his own selfish needs. Women no dey abroad? Why should a man return home just for the sole purpose of marrying someone who will be subservient.

What happens when a woman brings a man abroad and he ends up ordering her around instead of working his head out to pay the bills and give the woman and children a good life.

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For the man and the woman - the rules change!

Isn't it fair that the woman who shares your responsibility as breadwinner should enjoy similar equality in respect and affection. Anyway for 9ja we get customary or traditional law, this is non-existent in the western world. The soil in which you sow determines the harvest.

As long as there's mutual love and respect, your relationship/marriage will survive anywhere. Otherwise be ready to dance to the music when the location changes.

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It is not good to let such favours turn bad, how can a woman decide to turn away from her responsibilities in the first place? things happen oh, over here u need to see how they control their husbands,. even call police for them to deport them.

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@boladonas

i agree with you,the western culture make them feel equal to their husband as though they paid the bride price.

HERE IS AN EXPERIENCE A FRIEND'S UNCLE HAD WITH HIS WIFE.

The man got married to a lady here in naija,took her to the states,they've being living together for years and the lady go a good job(not better than his hubby's)suddenly she lost respect and regard for her husband.The husband took it upon himself to spend time with his kids,because their mama was always working,she no longer do no domestic work.the husband was the home maker and the money earner.as an African man,he reported her to her family members back home including her parents.they cautioned their daughter but she turned deaf ears.they even tried to make her come home so they can talk to her,but she remain adamant.a village girl who was called to enjoy now wants to take the bowl from her husband.

But here is the good news, The man was now able to lure her after lots of begging to visit naija for a ceremony.she inclined.so they came to naija,not know that the husband has organized a meeting with her family.when the meeting was going on,the man went in sneaked into his wife's bedroom,took away all her travelling documents.

When the meeting was going on she denied all what the husband said about her and told the elders that it was not true.even before the husband.imagine the fury in the husband when he heard her deny all allegations.

Funny enough she got upset and said she was no longer interested in the marriage and that she wants a divorce.She said she will be travelling the next day back to the States.

when she went in the next morning wanting to get her documents (passport and tickets)it was not there.

she knew the man took it.she asked for it from him and he declined.he asked her,"where do u think u are going to?who took u to the America that is making you misbehave?oya travel now?madam Americana"  she begged for her documents back,her family members also turn deaf ears when they heard about it.

The husband told her he will be leaving and he wants her to start processing the divorce papers.he left for the States leaving her here in Nigeria.

After some time he knew how much he loved the lady,she kept calling him begging him no to leave her that she was sorry.she persisted.But as they say true love never ask why.he came back with her documents and went back with her.

People,do u know what this woman did,she resigned from her job and became a full time house wife.

she for no do am now,if not na naija she go meet her sorry as.

This no be friction, na real oh.

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ask me! and i will tell you that most are for wrong reasons of marrying :p

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They learn all the bad things abroad!

British diplomacy

American frankness

Latino's equality

French women worship

and apply it in their homes

y will it not break and collapse

Half of d nonsense they do abroad, they cant try it here

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its just so sad,knowing that some of our own out there kill our cultural heritage in regards to marraige,but the ladies play a major role in marraige wrecks abroad,because the are easily influenced by the western culture.

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I remember saying the same thing Donzman just said on another thread and I was called old fashioned. I believe that most of us Nigerian men go home to get married hoping to marry that Nigerian girl with that same up bringing and cultural back ground as our moms. Sadly when the girl gets here of cause she wants to get Americanized too and guess what trouble.

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