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Why Love Doesn't Last In Relationships?

hi my fellow Nigerians why is it that love doesn't last in most relationships?especially marriage.with the little i know or have seen,i've come to realise that in most relationships, Love at the early stage is really strong but as time goes,the love begins to depreciate.especially with couples.when they start getting older no more "sweetheart" "honey" "angel"e.t.c. u know what i mean

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43 answers

me 2 cents.

Women call love something utterly different from what men call it. What often dissipates love in a relationship is when neither party is willing to compromise when issues come up. When both have different definitions of love, neither knows what the other actually wants.

Love is a culmination of compatibility, trust and every other (you name). Love in itself doesn't exist; it's just a word used to describe a feeling elicted by certain qualities. Compatiblity, trust, intimacy, even sex, understanding all require compromise. When one of these qualities is lacking, love still exists, but is incomplete. However, one of these qualities alone cannot define love.

Falling in love (in psychology terms) is a simple temporary collapse (or extension) of the minds 'ego' bounderies. It is a phase where couples may (or not but mostly) experience bloom and ecstasy. This duration varies for different couples. When these mind extensions replace themselves, couples are said to have changed. When "falling in love" is mistaken for love in itself, the relationship dies soon.

Falling in love is but an illusion.

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Well i feel Love doesnt last in relationships cos theres usually little or no communication between the 2 parties. Love is all about compatibility and understanding each other very well. People usually confuse love and lust and its so wrong.

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I think Hotstepper had said it all. Men or Guys are after sex and once have it with you, you'r finish

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most people dont regard their spouse is a friend.d minute u can accept him or her as yr friend then u have a better respect and regard 4 each other

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@ akniy

you've said it all.

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hotstepper,

i think i will like 2 know u more.

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shine,

i think u got me wrong. a foolish person says he learns from experience, while a wise person says he learns from other peoples experience. Rhea's post was more of a research that was conducted. take a glimse look at most relationships or even divorce aound you.

simply stated, each of these elements once they are missing, that r/ship will hit the rocks and sink like "the titanic".therefore

most of our r/ships because we did not provide for ourselves concrete foundation. its not been choosy, but u gaz ask what du u want from this thing(r/ship).

if u go in 4 s*x, wat happens if there is no more sex. if u go in 4 cash, wat happens if the cash dries and turn red like the red sea,

wat du u want from the r/ship u r going into, infatuation kills fast. be ur self.

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I don't agree with you guys sha. Although Compatibility is important but Love is also very important.

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@Seun:

F-i-n-a-l-l-y am agreeing with Seun 4d 1st tym.

Love grows and Love dies too(if that culd b called LOVE rlly) cos i have seen some couples getting married 'accidentally' i.e when 'love' was rlly not d basic consideration and i hv also seen couples who professed all d Love in d world and getting married later only to go 4 each other's jugular too soon.

So,COMPATIBILITY is d key word ! Its more tangible and predictable than whateva u pple call love

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what wonderful contributions.but i heard a saying that true love never dies if people get married on d basis of true love will there be problems or does true love not exist at all?

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OOps!! did i Say dreamland??, i meant nightmare land

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thats gonna happen in dreamland

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rhodalynnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

she is backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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i aint on your back girl. just before you say some stuff you gott@ think with both parties. sex is overrated kapish. thats my own.

@ashala

true talk son. tell them. make them carry their ear hear am.

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Let me tell all of you wot u dnt know.Love is different from Infactuation.And Infactuation is what 95% of people feel these days which they misinterprete to be love.When a girl sees a handsome guy with affluence,she thinks she has fallen in love with him,but wait till they get married and she starts seeing his bad habits,she will then realize that shes no longer in love.What she failed to realize is that she was only infatuated to his good looks and money then.You know that you are in love with someone when after seeing his bad side and habits you still decide to stick to him.So all of you who think you are in love with your partners should rather be on a sober reflection today.Think hard - is it LOVE or INFACTUATION?

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Since this is an open forum, I would love to read more perspectives other have to share - especially from the personal experience of others and what they've learned, why their love didn't last. Minimizing any shared thoughts by referring to them as an 'addendums' to one post (which was copied from the internet) doesn't encourage people to share.

I hope more people keep building on this - I know a lot of heartbroken and frustrated people who would love to read what anyone has to say.

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Pls get off ma back, i can preach wataeva i wanna, so far as it is related to the thread at hand. it is ur duty to either take it or leave it, i have a right to ma opinion dont i?

and pls read thru again, i didn't say a r/ship must be based on sex, and i mentioned sexual harmony. sex is proly responsible for 85-90% of breakup like u said abi? try doing it right. wat i said is people don't pay enuf attension to it especially after marriage,it goes somehr to the background. am not talking of randy adolescents dat are counting names on their list. Most people who have great sexual compatibility are best friends, they can't help but be friends cos they will be miserable wen they are fighting with each other.

And if a guys next move after 2 weeks is trying to get in-between a dogs leg and bang, the day lights out of you is the best u can think of, then am sure we are operating on different frequencies.

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Rhea has said it all. any other input happens to an addendum.'he who has hears let him hear. and he who has eyes to read pls do' and act accordingly.

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i went out wiv someone for 5yrs shoulda gotten married bt we jst broke up bt i guess it wasnt meant to be love is present sometimes your priorities overshadow it be it school or work! emotionally im tryna get over it but the STRESS Is over and nw i can brace single life again, that means i can scope dudes

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what are u talking about? I have fallen in love and in love now for over how long now andhaven't have sex, so plz, talk for yourself, as far as am concerned, sex breaks up relationship. if u love me, u won't think of sleeping with me period and I SHALL NEVA GIVE NAY MAN WHOSE NOT MA HUSBAND MY BODY if not lemme be single for da rest of ma life

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The bible says,if the foundation is faulty,what will the righteous do.Relationships without the author for guidelines cant last.the author is christ. no matter the initial gra gra

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Just to add my 2 cents,

Part of the reason I think love doesn't last is CHANGE. People change with time, sometimes

intentionally and sometimes they are forced to change by events around them. The change

could be for the better or for the worse. It takes more than love (hollywood definition) to

sustain a relationship. If the love was based on looks, there is always someone out there

better looking than your partner. And of course, looks do change too. Those with lasting

marriages didn't get there by calling each other honey every minute or for the simple fact

that neither partner ever strayed. Love needs care, loyalty, forgiveness, humility, hardwork,

endurance, common sense, sex, etc. to keep it together.

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@Zarah, i love your response. Seun too, very precise

4 some people its the intimacy that they built up b/4 their marrige that keeps it going. People that say sex breaks up relationships are delusional if u ask me. I feel sex is really important (and not over-rated, sorry its not everybody that will enjoy sex very much and its unfortunate that those that don't enjoy it so much think everybody else does not) but that alone can't sustain a relationship though

My own verdict is that love is fickle. Close friendship is the only thing that can sustain a relationship for a life time. Friendships usually last. Love is 4 the mind of the teenage girl that is dreaming of magical nights and hapily ever afters and all that bullshit.

In reality, u guyz should be the best of friends with spicing up here and there. Things will get monotonous after a while, which u cant help, but friendship and sweet memories of u two from the start of ur relationship together goes a long way.

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@zarah

u don preach everything u wann@. but let me ask you something, when something is responsible for 85-90% of break ups, is dat thing really good?

you here saying sex is underated, underated ke, open your eyes and stop viewing it from one angel. sex is overrated and i will keep on saying it.

out of all the realtionships going on, only few survive cuzz of sex others are destroyed cuzz of it. where im at, if it aint sex, he wont go out with you. the only thing this morons think of is sex, sex and sex, like they are dog or something.

what is a guys next move after dating you for more than a week or 2, isnt it to trynn@ get in between doz legs and bang the daylight out of you.

sex is so damn overrated and dat is my own. that one or two r/ships survive upon sex doesnt make it mandatory in every r/ships. i am a guy and i know what im saying. all my males friends have had not less dan 10 girlfriends in a period of 1 year. all they do is sex and sex and sex and if the sex aint good, they break up with you.

sex is overrated. kapish.

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Love is like a flower, It must been attended to. Watered, trimmed for it to flourish. In rainny season water is not needed, but trimming, while in dry season you need water and trmming.

It then implies that at every season or day of your love life there is a particular ingredient that is needed to flouish it. You should not use one way to nourish you love.

Love does not last only for those that got hooked because of lust for each. In relationship you have to understand each other, know what turns your spouse on & what turn him/her off. No head/tail relationship.

If your wife is making dinner, you can be do better by entering the kitchen to steal a piece of meat, just for her to call you naughty man, and you end up giving her a kiss, and walk back to watch your sports journal or listen to the news. Just be part of what your spouse does. It is no a woman's work or men's work. Just do something. Don't leave her alone.

Make dinner atimes. Let your wife watch you. It is all these sharing that make relationship last. If you play boss. Your relationship will end soon.

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Seun you have a great way of looking at r/ships for someone ur age. u impressed me tremendously, with this one.

why do most people think that love dies wen sex is involved? love and sex both have there individual relevances o! have u ever stopped to think that there are sexually based r/ships dat are stronger than most of our marriages these days.

girl's seem to think that once a man has been there and done that, dats it he is out. am sorry to say dat is the greatest bull, although i would say depending on how much in harmony you guys are wt each other, a man will have sex and stay.

yes there are sexcapades that are worth nothing, they start and finish as sex, and dats it. but there are times you wan chop clean mouth, and end up hooked. abi u neva hear man wey carry ashewo for road one night, and ends up marrying her, me thinks most gre8 r/ships, lasting marriages are based (not solely) but mostly on sexual compatibility.

I have a friend whose husband tells me dat everytime he sleeps wt her is like he's never had sex wt her be4, and to think they courted all through university (sex involved) and have been married now for 4 yrs, sounds incredible. but true. they still have sex at least 3x daily.

love in r/ship dies, and only god know's why.

my solution is simple 'old fishermen never die, their rods just go limp' if love dies? move on damn it. life is too short to waste brooding.

and for those who say sex is overated, i say u dont know nothing man. as a matter of fact it is grossly underated.

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I hate it when people use that word,it sounds sooooo. . . somehow!

Anyway,i think that love lasts in some relationships and it doesnt in some.The first thing you should do before getting into a relationship is to be very good friends with the person.If that happens,you'll hardly fall out of love with that person.

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Start sexing each other till kingdom come and know thats what its all about .damn

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The text below was culled from the internet. It makes quite an interesting read and could serve as a guide for those about to settle down.

A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the

prospects of long-term marital success.  When it comes to making the decision

about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake.

Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50percent, it appears that many

are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr, /Ms.Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting

married,they'll say:

"We're in love."

I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a

life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not

politically correct, there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result

of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will

come.

Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love

alone. You need a lot more.

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about

finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:

Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for

20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do

with each

other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share

something deeper and more meaningful.

You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage.

You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out

there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want

out of life bottom line-and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:

Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.

Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The

basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get

"punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you

feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself

on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to

marry.

QUESTION #3:

Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you

test?

Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular

basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always

striving to be good and do the right thing." So ask about your significant other: What

do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a

materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:

People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are

dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will

put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that

before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:

How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the

ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they

wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following:

How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a

waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc?

How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and

appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them

everything, you cannot you --who can't do nearly as much for them!

Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot

be someone who loves others.

You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly

will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:

Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're

married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention

of trying to "improve" them after they're married.

As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to

change after marriage , for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the

way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The

key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart.

It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure

to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on

your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't

do your homework.

Another perspective,

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a

distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize

your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere

relationships.

Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention.

Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going

downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or

appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and

truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in

the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes

open, and after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let

lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low

self-esteem make you blind to warning signs.

Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change

someone or that what you see as faults isn't really that important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws,

vulnerabilities, pet-peeves and differences will become more obvious.

If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve,

you've got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother

you.

You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs,

values, dreams, weaknesses and strengths.

You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share

a life together.

Neither one of you is perfect, but are you perfect for each other?

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,

compare and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past

mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make

someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life" you

won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or

responsible for your pain.

Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness and selfishness are not the

ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.

Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a

relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a

note)

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as

resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty and pain WILL replace the

passion.

" In order to move forward, you sometimes have to take a  step back"

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Why love doesn't last in relationships? We human beings like deceiving ourselves a lot. Agreed, there's LOVE but it's LUST that bring people together. You lust for someone and you wish/desire to get to know the people better. You act the good boy or girl etc just to warm yourself into the person's heart. Thereafter, you start holding hands, kiss, being naughty and finally you bang each other. After this process you chill out a bit but when you realise that that person is worth keeping for life, you then move to the next level - monopoly.You keep professing unshaking love etc. Eventually you get married. you make love almost everyday - in the kitchen, the toilet, the sitting room. If you are lucky, she gets pregnant. That's another level. Sex reduces. You have to do it with care so that you don't kill the foetus in a sex frenzy. She finally gives birth. That's a new level. Taking care of the baby starts sapping all the energy from you and your wife to the extent when you have time for sex, you would prefer to sleep instead! You see, things are beginning to change. But mind you, this the period when the foundation of most marriages develop everlasting cracks, Marriage is not the same as boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Marriage is not co-habiting. Marriage is not single-parenting. Marriage is not a bed of roses.

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I disagree. Love is a temporal emotion - that is, it is something you feel now. That you are in love with me now doesn't mean you'll be in love with me tommorrow morning or in ten years time. That is why people should use their sense when getting married instead of depending on an emotion. Compatibility is what matters!

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because their eyes keep wondering about and can't be satisfied with one partner.

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It seems not to last because its not even love at all!!!!!

To me, love means to DESIRE the eventual happiness and joy for a person. Now, good wishes ARE NOT ENOUGH! You MUST be able to make these desires for their joy and happiness a REALITY FOR THEM! that's when the love equation is complete!

Desire their happiness + make these desires reality = LOVE!

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It is true that the feeling of "in love" or "falling in love" comes and goes, sometimes very quickly. In my experience, the only reason that real love dies is because no one tends to it. Or one may tend to it, but the other becomes indifferent. Love matures and takes different forms over a lifetime. It is up to us to recognize love in whatever form it takes at that moment.

For instance, a wife that helps her husband during cancer treatments will feel love differently from the man that just married his sweetheart. Both are love, only in different forms. It is up to both people in a relationship to recognize, appreciate and tend to their love.

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my hottie has spoken so y'all should listen.

true talk. they want sex, sex and sex. what the hell is sex sef? damn, sex is so overrated.

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cuz wat most people think of is SEX so why should love last while in their minds, they r going in it for sex and come out and look for another victim

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Ok this is wat i feel bout why love doesn't last i would say when one falls in love an atom of lust is present which fades after they have made love 2 each other.But if d lust is no mose there d love is not there.

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my dad doesnt know what sweetheart and all dat stuff means but they still got love for each other.

i can only think of love in marriage. outside marriage, it is mere infatuation cuzz love is pain to me. if you havent felt pain, den you havent loved yet.

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Not for my mum and dad. It's still strong for them

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